The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Atari Sports (2012)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : If I'm gonna play some sports games, I've gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fuckin' sports games. Look at these titles. Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this Madden shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dimeback, Nickelback! Simple, ordinary, unembellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word! It's motherfucking, goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck fuck fucking FOOTBALL!... And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Have you ever seen a baseball game where the catcher goes after the ball? By the time he gets it, the runner had already gone to first base, had a cup of coffee, and watched the whole Godfather trilogy.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What is that sound supposed to be? Is that the sound of the bat cutting through space and time?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What is this? Geodude fighting Mr. Game & Watch in the middle of a baseball field?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I don't know anything about sports! I'm a fucking nerd!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Why is the batter naked? I'm not trying to be funny. He is naked. You can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants. The batter is naked, and they gave him a dick. Maybe it's a knee, but where's the other knee? It's a dick. The batter is naked. Concluded.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What the hell, man? It's like the characters from Pong went to play golf! Oh, God, it's killing me! It's like you're a square pushing a smaller square towards another square! I don't even know what to say about this game! Just look at it!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Football! Don't even get me started! And I'm not talking about the kind of game where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they actually slam into each other like a bunch of barbarians! What I don't understand is why everything always has to be bowl. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know what the Super Bowl is; it's the most anticipated football game of the season, and with so much testone and high energy going around, why is the half-time show always some pussy pop group? Get Metallica up there or something! It doesn't make any sense!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : International Soccer! Have 45 minutes to spare? Then I wouldn't recommend it.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : They punch each other so hard, the sounds of their impacts resonate like a cannon blast!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I guess I gotta go downstairs to home plate.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Sports games have been around since video games first existed. How do I ignore it? I can't.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What is this? Purple Men Can't Jump?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The player looks like the letter G that's been stepped on or something.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Even though I know nothing about sports, I can tell you one thing... There's only one pitcher in baseball! What the hell is going on here? They eat the other players, just like how Pac Man eats the ghosts.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Super Challenge Baseball is slightly advanced. By slightly, I mean it's like a bunch of restroom signs got loose and started playing a game of baseball.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I love that you're dribbling a square ball. That's right, this was before circles were invented.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Why is it surrounded by blue? It looks like water, like it's on an island. Yeah, it's Football Island. In other words, Hell!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This person golfing looks like Mimal the Elf. Now I have to explain: if you look on the United States map, Mimal is an acronym for Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana. Spells "Mimal" and looks like an elf, with Minnesota being the hat, Louisiana being the foot. And that's Mimal playing golf. But am I talking about video games here, or U.S. geography?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Look at all the baseball games! I don't know where to begin! Major League, all-stars, always named after athletes, sequels... What the hell is different this time? It's baseball!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : All the football games, it's Madden, Madden, Madden! Madden '91, Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003! Who the fuck is John Madden anyway? He doesn't even look like a fucking athlete!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Grand Pricks. Yeah, I know it's Prix, but it looks like Pricks. It's a bunch of kazoos driving through a cabbage patch. It's a fun game. But try out Math Grand Prix! You can't make your car move until you answer a math question! You wouldn't wish this game on your worst enemies.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What's with your legs? They're multi-jointed! It looks like a Combo! Yeah, you know, those little pretzel bites with cheese in the middle? Yeah, I know, I'm stretching it.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : That is the sound of all-encompassing negativity.