- Brad Sherwood: [about party phone lines] It was a precursor to Internet chat rooms. I personally call it "loser phone".
- Joel Stein: [about "Cocktail"] You spend six or seven minutes per drink? Just give me my beer and shut up.
- Michael Ian Black: [about Micro Machines] Eddie Murphy used to sing a song about putting things up your butt, and I always imagined that this was what he was talking about. If you've ever tried, they fit perfectly up your rectum.
- Mo Rocca: [about tanning beds] I'd wear goggles to cover my eyes and a tiny little cap for my wiener.