Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Pearl Harbor (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Michael Bay

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing that we'll never forget and we'll hold deep within our hear... Okay, you know the punchline: it's Pearl Harbor, the movie, not the actual event. Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor, well, then so can I!

• Nostalgia Critic : But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack led by God on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako!

• Nostalgia Critic : [addressing Michael Bay]  You know, Dick, 'cause that's what you are, a fucking dick... When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says, "Ooh, America's hurt," but it's very clear... that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things. You can lie about history. You can exaggerate. You can glorify. You can demonize. You can distort the facts. You can make up the truth! Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you *fucking love America*! I'm sorry, I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who have lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people because they weren't really there so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, and you have to show these real people, you have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this isn't "Transformers", okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not "The Rock"! It's not Sean Connery saying "Winners fuck the prom queen." No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things: One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A *BIIIIIITCH*!

  [after screaming like that, the Critic takes a minute to calm down and catch his breath] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't be the only one who sees this... and thank God, I wasn't.

• Admiral Kimmel : You analysts got it all figured out, don't you? The smart enemy hits you exactly where you think you're safe.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships that have no markings on it that would identify it as a map. Not, of course, forgetting RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA!

  [Godzilla is heard roaring, then appears in the aforementioned hot tub full of toy battleships, while various people are heard shouting, "OOH, RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA!"] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Wait a fuck!

• Evelyn : He volunteered to go to England.

  Danny : Volunteered? He told me he'd been assigned. He was always trying to protect me.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, that is so like him to protect his buddy. God, I feel like you two have shared so much in the... two, maybe three scenes you had together? You know, the ones that never went over five fucking minutes? Oh, and speaking of which, did protecting you also include playing chicken with expensive aircrafts? Putting your life and professional career in danger? Well, at least it was worth it to 86 his girlfriend and leave her nether regions colder than a snowman's rectal thermometer. You know, I gotta admit from an outsider looking in, I think it's pretty obvious that dear old Affleck is a dear old AFF-HOLE! How close are those planes again?

• Michael Bay : Give not into character. Give not into story. For that leads to art. Give instead unto porn, for porn is everlasting and shall never diminish from the earth. And always remember, if you're gonna suck, suck all the way.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know those crappy after school specials that want to talk to you about drugs but clearly have no idea what they're talking about? That's sort of like Michael Bay and history. If you wanna tell a horrible love story, fine, but leave our dead soldiers out of it. Because in the end, it doesn't work as good fiction, and it doesn't work as good history. And honestly, it's just strange that Michael Bay would even try it. I mean clearly his niche is box office crap, not historical drama. I mean, that's his calling. It's always been his calling. I wonder when he realized that.

• Nostalgia Critic : At least with Titanic, whether you like it or not, you see the fictional characters interact with the real life characters. So when the tragedy happens, you know who they are and can build emotional connections with them. Here, they're in a car away from the base! I mean, okay, a plane fires at them, but we know the ships is where the majority of the attack is gonna take place. And thus, where we're gonna spend most of our time. But, they're never on it. So we never make a connection to any of these people dying. Except maybe Cuba Gooding, Jr who had a quick cameo here and there. And yeah, don't get me wrong. It sucks seeing this. It sucks seeing people get killed. But why waste an hour and a half never showing who they are? You wasted it on characters who don't exist, you don't care about, and aren't even in the center of the attack. Yeah, great call on that.

• Danny : When you were gone, it's the loneliest I've ever been. Same for her, too. If you hadn't gone, none of this would've happened.

  Rafe : So it was my fault, I guess.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I don't know. You volunteered, you left her behind, you tried to control his life.

  [takes out a Magic 8-Ball] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Let's see what the Magic 8-Ball has to say.

  [he shakes the ball and it says DICK] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Can't argue with that.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Rafe and Evelyn]  So he tells her not to see him off at the train station, but, yeah, get a load of this great logic.

  Rafe : It's my test. If I tell her not to come and she comes anyway, I know she loves me.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, dude! You kept that you're leaving a secret, sprung it on her the night before, say she has no choice in the matter, are denying her nookie, and you have the BALL TESTICLES to be testing *her*? What the hell do you do for an encore? Tell orphans that they're seeing Santa's workshop, but it's really a war zone and the ones who didn't plug their ears get a cookie? Christ, how close are those Japanese planes again?

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Japanese attack FINALLY happens in the movie]  I have to admit, the action for the most part is pretty well done. I mean, you can see what's going on, it's intense, and the effects are very impressive. But even Bay couldn't let this pass without some bullshit moments. For example...

  [one soldier comes out on deck wearing nothing but a bath towel and brushing his teeth] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Is this guy brushing his teeth? Are you shitting me? Buddy, fuck the plaque build-up! I really hope the military doesn't teach people that when they hear explosions, run out into fire in a bath towel! Oh, and how about this crap where the planes are shown firing on civilians at a hospital? Even though it was reported that the Japanese never fired on them. Yeah, even when they had a clear shot, they would not fire at the hospital. Fuck that shit! This is Michael Bay's history, this is Randall Wallace's writing! We have to put Kate Beckinsale in danger from those evil Japs, who have to fire on hospitals and kill one of those giggling idiots that you barely knew! Oh, yeah, I'll miss whatever the hell her name was.

• [in the movie, Rafe gets reprimanded for a foolish airplane stunt that nearly crashed his and another plane] 

  Rafe : I was doing it to try and inspire the men, sir. In the way you've inspired me. I believe the French even have a word for that: when the men get together and honor their leaders, it's called an homage, sir!

  Colonel Doolittle : A what?

  Nostalgia Critic : [mocking Doolittle]  Don't throw your million-dollar words around me! What complicated French phrases are next? Baguette? Croissant? Gérard Depardieu?

• Nostalgia Critic : This dumbass flick tried to cash in on the romantic historical fiction based around a... tragedy genre... which, sad to say, is quite a popular genre. It's an obvious studio choice to try and get out a butch version of "Titanic", because, hey, if the highest grossing film at that time got its profit from teary-eyed women, naturally we can make more, marketing to TESTOSTERONE-FILLED MAN-PENIS. The problem is, it's over three hours long, has no action until the middle, and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likable. And seeing as how this is still the Month of Love...

  [shows the Month of Love title card, harp glissando and all, but this time, instead of smiling, the Critic has a dour look on his face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... I say we get snuggly with the most romantic person we can think of... Michael Bay. Let's awaken the sleeping giant with "Pearl Harbor".

• Nostalgia Critic : We like these privates that don't follow commands and endanger their lives and equipment. We need more people like you not doing what we tell you to do. It's like the old saying goes: be all that you can be... and... ehhh... do whatever you want, we're flexible.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, we've had one romance, yes.

  [Scottish accent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What about second romance?

• Nostalgia Critic : Three months later, Kate decides to go to the military base... in her finest evening dress... to, uh, not hit on Hartnett, but somehow ends up flying with him with her in his lap anyway. Yeah, I'm sure that was sanctioned.

  Danny : [calling from offscreen]  Hey, Sarge, I'm gonna take my girlfriend up into the air with her in my lap even though the seatbelt can't fit around us.

  Nostalgia Critic : [calling back]  Okay, just be back by twelve! My kids are gonna drive the submarine tomorrow.

• Michael Bay : [his phone rings and he answers it]  Hello?

  Peter Souless : Hey, Michael, it's Peter.

  Michael Bay , Peter Souless : Peter! So, good news?

  Peter Souless : Good news, buddy. We decided to let you direct "Bad Boys". If all goes well, we might have few other films lined up for you, too. They see potential in you, kid. Keep it up. You might just be one of the biggest action directors of all time.

  Michael Bay : Oh. Well, that's great, Peter. That's great.

  Peter Souless : Well, what's the matter? I thought you'd be more excited.

  Michael Bay : Oh, oh, I am, Peter, I am. But, uh... I just don't know if I always want to be associated with action.

  Peter Souless : Well, what did you have in mind?

  Michael Bay : Well, I always wanted to do... a romance.

• Dog Johnson : Bay, where ya been, man? We've been worried sick about you!

  Tina A : Tell him I have big boobs.

  Dog Johnson : Tina has big boobs. Why are you...?

  Michael Bay : Forget it, guys. The crowd has spoken. Nobody wants to see what I'm best at.

  Dog Johnson : Bitch, that's cracker talk. Maybe the thing you're best at isn't romance or representing history. Or any sort of reality for that matter.

  Michael Bay : What are you talking about?

  Dog Johnson : The Bay I know didn't give a shit about emotions, or character, or anything like that. The Bay I know pleased the lowest common denominator and went all the way with it. It's like when we did porn. We just gave the people what they want.

  Michael Bay : Wait a minute, what'd you say?

  Dog Johnson : It's like when we did porn. Remember?

  Michael Bay : I do. Thank you, Dog. You've inspired me once again.

• Michael Bay : How would you like to get every perverted manchild in the world to see your movie?

  Peter Souless : That's every producer's dream.

  Michael Bay : Well I think I've figured out a way to make it happen.

  Peter Souless : How?

  Michael Bay : Make it all porn.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know... dick. 'Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick... When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says, "Ooh, America's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about history, you can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts, you can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy! Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America!

• Nostalgia Critic : Our heroes are played by Ben Affleck, pre-director days, so you can hate him all you want, and Josh Hartnett, who, if his eyes were any more squinty, would have to see through his eyelids. They're under the command of Colonel Doolittle, played by Alec Baldwin, pre-I-had-too-much-pie but not post-I-need-to-seriously-stop-eating-the-goddamn-pie. It's ironic because he plays a person based on a real-life colonel and yet he's probably the most cliched character in the entire movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : It's like Rosie the Riveter says, "Men call all the shots." Or was it something else? No, no, no, that was it.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, yeah, another thing about this movie: if it could jerk off America's wang any more, it'd probably get dicksauce on Cuba.

• Nostalgia Critic : [pointing out Evelyn]  Oh, by the way, hi, Jennifer Garner. Yeah, that's really her before she became famous. God, I wish you and these brainless bimbos were all just aliases for your next undercover mission.

• [in the movie, Rafe has a cheat sheet for an eye exam as part of the military physical, because he has dyslexia, but Evelyn passes him anyway] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I guess it's nice that she passes dyslexic doofuses, putting most likely several other soldiers at risk during critical times. But all I wanna know is, if he constantly gets letters and numbers backwards all the time, then how the hell did he read the cheat sheet? Dipshit, just imagine those letters are up on the board. Because, guess what? THEY ARE UP ON THE BOARD!

• Michael Bay : Well, it's like I tell every adult movie star: If you're going to suck, suck all the way.

  Porn Actor : It's an honor working with you, sir. I've never seen such brilliant direction.

  Michael Bay : Well, what can I say? I know how to keep 'em coming.

  [leaves] 

  Porn Actor : Who was that ingeniously perverted man?

  Porn Actress : That was Michael Bay, the most brilliant porn director the world has ever known.

• Rafe : [to a passenger on a train]  She loves me.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Rafe]  I totally made my girlfriend who I treat badly cry... Feelin' the douche.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, Hartnett and Beckinsale try to deal with their loss of AFLAC!