Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Catwoman (2013)

Joanna Kay: Sean Young

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sean Young : [riding a giant earthworm]  I am the Kwisatz Haderach Give-A-Dog-A-Bone!

• [a meeting of Catwomen Anonymous is in session, with the various actresses who had played Catwoman in the past in attendance] 

  Group Counselor : Okay, I think we've made some progress today. I think that Miss Hathaway, talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar, shows us all how we can move on from not starring in our own Catwoman movie.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Oh, please.

  Group Counselor : Miss Pfeiffer disagrees?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Yes, Miss Pfeiffer disagrees. They talked about making a Catwoman movie for years, and I was supposed to play the part. But they waited too long and the fanbase died down, resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry.

  Anne Hathaway : Shh, shh, shh. You know we never mention She Who Must Not Be Mentioned.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : But aren't you technically mentioning her?

  Sean Young : It doesn't matter. Pfeiffer's role should have been my role to begin with!

  Group Counselor : Yes, Sean Young. We all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role.

  [looks into the camera] 

  Group Counselor : That's not comedic writing. She really did that, folks.

  Sean Young : Doesn't matter! Berry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Yes, it was the first time that Catwoman had been given the leading role, and she botched it up forever.

  Anne Hathaway : Yes, and she has never paid for her actions.

  Group Counselor : Now, now, ladies, let's stay focused, okay?

• [the Catwomen Anonymous meeting continues, in which the Catwomen blame Halle Berry for ruining Catwoman forever] 

  Group Counselor : Eartha Kitt, I believe last week you were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.

  Eartha Kitt : No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the pussy bitch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!

  Sean Young : ...Aren't you dead?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Kitt-kat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this halfwit psychic analysis.

  Group Counselor : Psycho.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : What did you call me?

  Anne Hathaway : The counselor's name-calling? This group is falling apart!

  Sean Young : We need to take action!

  Anne Hathaway : We will get a leading role!

  Eartha Kitt : Purring Rs, unite!

  [the Catwomen raise their claws at the counselor and purr loudly at him] 

  Group Counselor : Now, ladies, ladies! This is getting out of hand. Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.

  Eartha Kitt : The what?

  Group Counselor : The Catwoman review. The one coming out this week.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : By who?

  [the group closes in on the counselor as the camera cuts to the Nostalgia Critic title sequence] 

• Michelle Pfeiffer : Catwomen unite!

  [the Catwomen all hiss] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : We will find this Nostalgia Critic, and force him to have us star in his review.

  Group Counselor : [the Catwomen have tied him to a chair]  You know, ladies, I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Oh, but we have such plans for you.

  Sean Young : Yes. In a few moments, once we conveniently leave...

  [gestures toward a closed door, behind which a growling sound is heard] 

  Sean Young : ... that door will open to reveal a ferocious killer tiger.

  Anne Hathaway : Ripping you limb from limb, leaving only counselor bones.

  Eartha Kitt : Thus concluding our death trap that ties into our villainous identities.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Come, ladies, we have a Critic to visit!

  [the Catwomen all leave] 

• [the Critic's doorbell rings and he answers the door; it's the Catwomen] 

  Anne Hathaway : He opened it! I can't believe he just opened it!

  [the next thing he knows, the Critic gets punched in the face by Michelle so hard, he falls to the floor] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Cat's out of the bag, Critic.

  Sean Young : We need a role we can sink our teeth into.

  Anne Hathaway : And you have the purr-fect part.

  Eartha Kitt : Cat-related pun.

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell's going on here? What do you want?

  Sean Young : We're here to star in your Catwoman review.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : So we can show up that cow horse, Halle Berry.

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting up]  Forget it! You're not stealing this review from me!

  Anne Hathaway : Very well, you've forced us to take action.

  Eartha Kitt : Get ready to be declawed.

• [while being pursued by the Catwomen, the Critic comes across a book called "How To Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading from the book]  "Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise."

  [looks towards the Catwomen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey! You seem very... two people-ish!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Are you kidding? I am so psychologically tortured.

  Anne Hathaway : What do you mean? I'm the one who's constantly switching sides.

  Sean Young : Hey, I'm extremely complex.

  Eartha Kitt : Oh, please, you never even got a chance to be in the role.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : My dreams were crushed in the first third of screen time.

  Anne Hathaway : Oh yeah? Well, can you sing about your dreams like this?

  [starts singing] 

  Anne Hathaway : I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

  [she gets interrupted by the other Catwomen, who all engage in a literal cat fight; the Critic, meanwhile, slips away to continue his review] 

• [the Critic convinces the Catwomen they have C.R.A.H.B.S. - Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome] 

  Nostalgia Critic : A lot of women who've gone through what you've gone through have it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. All you have to do is find a way to live with it and continue to bring joy to people.

  Sean Young : But how can four attractive women dressed like this bring joy to people?

  Nostalgia Critic : On the Internet, there's definitely a way.

  [he nods and smiles at the girls; the Catwomen are next seen watching videos of themselves with delight] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yep, the only thing that bizarrely gets more views than porn is cat videos.

• [in the end, it is shown that this video is dedicated to those suffering from C.R.A.H.B.S] 

  Anne Hathaway : I'm Anne Hathaway and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Sean Young : I'm Sean Young and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Eartha Kitt : I'm Eartha Kitt and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : I'm Michelle Pfeiffer and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Chester A. Bum : I'm Chester A. Bum and I have crabs.

  Anne Hathaway : Really? You have Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome?

  Chester A. Bum : [realizing his mistake]  Oh, god, am I in the wrong place!

  [he leaves for the proper meeting]