Sherlock (TV Series)

The Sign of Three (2014)

Martin Freeman: Dr. John Watson

Photos 

Quotes 

• [delivering his best man's speech] 

  Sherlock Holmes : I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species.

  [long pause] 

  Sherlock Holmes : But anyway, let's talk about John.

  Dr. John Watson : [painfully embarrassed]  Please.

  Sherlock Holmes : If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel...

  [Janine and the other bridesmaids look offended] 

  Sherlock Holmes : And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of His creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

  [the minister looks offended, and a mutter runs through the room] 

  Sherlock Holmes : The point I'm trying to make is that I am... the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous...

  [looks at the Minister] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Unaware of the beautiful...

  [looks at Janine] 

  Sherlock Holmes : And uncomprehending in the face of the happy.

  [looks towards John and Mary] 

  Sherlock Holmes : So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion... actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss - so sorry again about that last one - so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife, and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

• [playing a game of trying to guess the name stuck to their foreheads while they are drunk] 

  Dr. John Watson : Am I a woman?

  [Sherlock laughs] 

  Dr. John Watson : What?

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes.

  Dr. John Watson : Am I... pretty?

  [points to forehead] 

  Dr. John Watson : This.

  Sherlock Holmes : Uh, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?

  Sherlock Holmes : I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.

  Dr. John Watson : You picked the name!

  Sherlock Holmes : Yeah, but I picked it at random from the papers.

  Dr. John Watson : You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?

• Dr. John Watson : [Sherlock and Watson are sitting side by side on a park bench, staring straight ahead]  The thing about Mary is she has completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that, and the other one is...

  [turns to Sherlock who is no longer there] 

  Dr. John Watson : ... a complete dick-head.

• Dr. John Watson : [painfully hungover]  Can you whisper?

  DI Lestrade : [amused, shouting right into Watson's face]  *Not really*!

• Mary Morstan : Solve it and he'll open the door, like he said.

  Sherlock Holmes : I couldn't solve it before, how can I solve it now?

  Mary Morstan : Because it matters now!

  Sherlock Holmes : What are you talking about? What's she talking about? Get your wife under control.

  Dr. John Watson : She's right.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, *you've* changed.

  Dr. John Watson : No, she is. Shut up. You are not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You're a drama queen. Now, there is a man in there about to die, the game is on...

  [shouts] 

  Dr. John Watson : *Solve it*!

• Sherlock Holmes : I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?

  Dr. John Watson : No, I don't have an international reputation.

  Sherlock Holmes : No. And I can't even remember what for. It's... crime. Something like that.

• Sherlock Holmes : [Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench opposite Royal Guards on duty]  You think they give them classes?

  Dr. John Watson : Classes?

  Sherlock Holmes : How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.

  Dr. John Watson : Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system. Bum itch.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh.

• Sherlock Holmes : [Sherlock and John are both severely drunk]  Don't compromise the integrity of the...

  [Sherlock vomits on the carpet] 

  Dr. John Watson : ...crime scene.

  [John puts his hand up for a high five] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [Sherlock lifts his head up and sways a bit]  Yeah, that...

  [Sherlock wipes some vomit from around his mouth] 

• [Sherlock commences the Best Man's speech at John's wedding] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and... um... others.

  [He stammers uncertainly] 

  Sherlock Holmes : ... Also...

  Dr. John Watson : Telegrams...

  Sherlock Holmes : Right. Um... First things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently...

  [reading] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."

  Dr. John Watson : Ah, Mike...

  Sherlock Holmes : "To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..."

  [chokes the cloying words out] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted."

  [next telegram] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "Mary: Lots of love..."

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah?

  Sherlock Holmes : [with precise diction]  "... poppet."

  [John and Mary giggle] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."

  [Mary's expression darkens momentarily] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams]  Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People basically fond.

• Sherlock Holmes : Why, WHY would he date all of those women and not return their calls.

  Dr. John Watson : You're missing the obvious, mate.

  Sherlock Holmes : Am I?

  Dr. John Watson : He's a man.

• Dr. John Watson : The best man.

  Sherlock Holmes : The best man?

  Dr. John Watson : What do you think?

  Sherlock Holmes : Billy Kincaid.

  Dr. John Watson : Sorry, what?

  Sherlock Holmes : Billy Kincaid, the Camden garroter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity never disclosed. Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure. And ran the best and safest children's homes in North England. Yes, every now and again there would be some garrotings, but stacking up the lives saved *against* the garrotings, on balance I'd say...

  Dr. John Watson : [interrupts]  For my wedding. For me. I need a best man.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, right.

  Dr. John Watson : Maybe not a garroter.

• Major Reed : Is that what this is all about? Distracting me so that *this* man could get in here and kill Bainbridge?

  Dr. John Watson : So I...

  Sherlock Holmes : Kill him with what? Where's the weapon?

  Major Reed : What?

  Sherlock Holmes : Where's the weapon? Go on, search me, no weapon.

  Dr. John Watson : Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago. When's this supposed to have happened?

  Major Reed : You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.

  Sherlock Holmes : No.

  Major Reed : No?

  Sherlock Holmes : He's soaking wet and there's still shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower and then someone stabbed him.

  Duty Sergeant : But the cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open.

  Major Reed : Must have climbed over the top.

  Sherlock Holmes : Well, then I'd be soaking wet, too, wouldn't I?

• Dr. John Watson : Well! Glad to see you've pulled, Sherlock, what with murderers running riot at my wedding.

• Dr. John Watson : Sherlock is there an end date for this speech?

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, John - he can't stand it when I get a chance to speak for once, VATICAN CAMEOS.

  Major Reed : What? What did that mean?

  Dr. John Watson : Battlestations. Someone's going to die.

• Dr. John Watson : [the drunken Sherlock is at an apartment looking for clues, while John, who is also drunk, watches]  He's cluing for looks.

  [Sherlock falls asleep on the floor] 

• [last lines] 

  Dr. John Watson : This isn't a waltz, is it?

  Mary Morstan : No.

  Sherlock Holmes : Don't worry, Mary, I have been tutoring him.

  Dr. John Watson : He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. Mrs. Hudson came in one time. Don't know how those rumors started.

• Dr. John Watson : The telegrams.

  Sherlock Holmes : Right, um... Mm... First things first. Telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams. We just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently.

  Sherlock Holmes : [reading]  "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."

  Dr. John Watson : Ah, Mike...

  Mary Morstan : Aw.

  Sherlock Holmes : [next telegram]  "To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big..."

  [pause] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "... big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted."

  Sherlock Holmes : [next telegram]  "Mary, Lots of love...", Oh!

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah?

  Sherlock Holmes : [with precise diction]  "... poppet."

  [John and Mary giggle] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [next telegram]  "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."

  [Mary's expression darkens momentarily] 

  Dr. John Watson : Hey, hmm?

  Mary Morstan : Yep.

  Sherlock Holmes : [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams]  Um, "Special day." "Very special day." "Love." "Love." "Love." "Love." "Love." Bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.

• Sherlock Holmes : I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?

  Dr. John Watson : Nope. I don't have an international reputation.

  Sherlock Holmes : I don't even remember what for. Crime... something.

• Dr. John Watson : Am I a woman?

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes.

  Dr. John Watson : Am I pretty?

  Sherlock Holmes : Beauty is a construct based on childhood impressions, influences, and role models.

  Dr. John Watson : But am I pretty?

  Sherlock Holmes : I don't know. I don't know who you're supposed to be.

  Dr. John Watson : You picked the name!

  Sherlock Holmes : I picked it at random from the papers.

  Dr. John Watson : You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you?