Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Cat in the Hat (2013)

Rob Walker: Analyst 1, Count von Count - Voice

Quotes 

• Count von Count : [appearing with the Critic and Evilina as the Cat in the Hat did a vulgar joke]  Eight! That's eight times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ha ha ha ha!

• Count von Count : [the Cat in the Hat did another vulgar joke in the Count's presence]  Nine! That's nine times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ha ha ha ha!

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Soulless]  Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?

  Peter Souless : Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.

  Analyst 2 : Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.

  [Soulless clears his throat loudly] 

  Analyst 2 : Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.

  Analyst 1 : You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told...

  [various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen] 

  Analyst 1 : ... when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.

  Analyst 2 : The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.

  Analyst 1 : Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.

  Nostalgia Critic : But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!

  Analyst 1 : But the chart says...

  [the Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out] 

  Analyst 1 : Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss!

  [takes out a gun and puts it to his head] 

  Analyst 1 : And that's...

  [fires the gun, killing himself] 

  Analyst 2 : [taking the gun and putting it to his head]  I'm coming with you!

  [fires the gun and kills himself] 

  Evilina : [giggles]  That was funny!

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  Who turned off the charts? Did you turn off the charts? I didn't turn off the charts!