Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Cat in the Hat (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Stephen Hawking - Voice

Photos 

Quotes 

• Evilina : [seeing the Cat in the Hat for the first time]  Mr. Critic, is this what happens when Pepe Le Pew makes whoopee with Ronald McDonald?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes. Yes, it is.

  Evilina : I'm afraid.

  Nostalgia Critic : [whispering]  We all are.

• [in the movie, the kids and the Cat arrive at the kids' home, where they discover...] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The Cat's magic box has been left open and is spreading chaos everywhere. But let's be really honest: it's just trying to look like one of the Seuss attractions at Universal Studios! Don't believe me? They *literally* say it.

  Conrad : [as the kids and the Cat slide down what looks like a log flume]  THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S LIKE A RIDE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK!

  Cat in the Hat : You mean like...

  [holds up brochures for Universal Studios] 

  Cat in the Hat : ... Universal Studios?

  [he laughs and winks toward the camera] 

  Cat in the Hat : Cha-ching!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, you just saw that. He literally, *directly advertised to you* Universal Studios. I don't think the entire running time of "The Wizard" is as big a sellout as that mere couple of seconds of Mike Myers winking! In fact, I think every Dr. Seuss movie can be summed up in that one gesture! Painfully obvious references?

  Cat in the Hat : Cha-ching!

  Nostalgia Critic : Totally unneeded adult jokes?

  Cat in the Hat : Cha-ching!

  Nostalgia Critic : Appealing desperately to the lowest common denominator the same way Michael Bay does to penises and Stephanie Meyer appeals to vaginas?

  Cat in the Hat : Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching!

  Nostalgia Critic : In fact, why don't we just make this the new Dr. Seuss logo: Dr. Seuss...

  [a shot of the original "Cat In The Hat Presentation" logo appears] 

  Lickboot : [appearing in the logo]  We've GOT to have... MONEY!

  Cat in the Hat : Cha-ching!

• Nostalgia Critic : For God's sake, Soulless! Why are you being so blatant with how evil you are?

  Peter Souless : Well, it's hip writing fact #1: if you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid.

  Evilina : Oh, I see! Critic, I'm gonna hit you!

  [slaps him in the face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW!

  Evilina : You can't scream; it's no longer painful and stupid.

  Nostalgia Critic : [hitting her back]  YES, IT IS! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS!

  [Evilina starts crying from being hit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : SHUT UP!

  [Evilina stops crying abruptly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Even with its dumbass ending of mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped, and the party going great!

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...

  Evilina : [playing with a Princess Celestia doll and singing]  My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little...

  [the Critic grabs the doll, throws it on the ground and shoots it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We're not gonna turn this video into another brony message board; now sit down!

  [Evilina crosses her arms in a huff] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this week and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor.

  [talking on a cell phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done?

  Satan : [on the phone]  Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal.

  [He holds out a binder for the Disney movie, "Planes"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  It's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression.

• Nostalgia Critic : What do kids normally do? They make tofu or something?

  Evilina : Well, you could read me a story.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, okay.

  [pulls out a book containing Dr. Seuss stories] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, this one's a classic.

  [starts reading "The Cat in the Hat"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!"

  Evilina : [looks closely at the book]  Wait, why does he look like a cat?

  Nostalgia Critic : Because he's a cat.

  Evilina : No, that's not what he looks like. He's supposed to be scary, and weird, and constantly out of breath.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Evilina : And why is it all in rhyme?

  Nostalgia Critic : Because it's Dr. Seuss; everything he does is in rhyme.

  Evilina : No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in a while. And where's all the subplots, and in-jokes, and advertisements, and forced morals, and penis innuendos?

  Nostalgia Critic : What the fuck are you talking about?

  Evilina : [pulls out "Cat in the Hat" DVD]  This.

  [puts movie into DVD player; movie starts; the Critic looks disgusted by what he sees] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This isn't Dr. Seuss! It's not even close! It's evil, corporate pandering with freaky imagery that's promoting everything that's wrong with humanity! This was next to "Son of the Mask", wasn't it?

  Evilina : Yep.

• Nostalgia Critic : We see the mother works at a hand sanitizer factory, also known as Howie Mandel's Candy Store, as we see one of the many reoccurring themes in current Dr. Seuss productions: weak suburban commentary.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, Soulless, here's one of my big problems here: if you're going to show family dilemmas and conflicts, try actually showing it. The kid and mother snapping at each other - if you could even call it that, it's so unemotional - seems needlessly mean and unjustified. There's little to no build up to such harshness being delivered from both of them.

  Peter Souless : Well, we needed to add some extra morals.

  Nostalgia Critic : Why? The one in the book is fine, as well as unique. Sometimes a little rule breaking is okay as long as it never goes too far. That's a rare message for kids. And Seuss delivered it in a balanced way because the kids were normal kids. Here, the boy is already out of control and the girl is the other extreme, so the message is already getting confused.

  Peter Souless : Well, we needed to change it around for the longer running time.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Polar Express" kept the message focused with a longer running time. "Mary Poppins" kept the message focused with a longer running time. Why couldn't this?

  Peter Souless : Oh, what good are those movies, anyway? They don't even have pop culture references! That, and we knew Mike Myers would only be funny for one more year, and we had to cash in on him as quickly as possible.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, the Cat in the Hat is voiced by Mike Myers]  Now, for those who don't remember, there was a time when Mike Myers ruled the fucking world. He was a hit on "Saturday Night Live", grew a cult following with "Austin Powers", resulting in a monster hit with its sequel, landed another big hit with "Shrek", killed as a host at the MTV Movie Awards... and I'm just going to say it: he may not have been that funny.

  [everyone gasps, then the Critic's phone rings and he answers it; it's Satan] 

  Satan : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : Or maybe not as funny as we built him up to be.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Mr. Humberfloob]  So what level of "Not Caring" are our actors in this movie?

  [a Not Caring Meter appears, with from bottom to top: Keanu Reeves as Neo, Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, Dennis Hopper as Bowser, Russell Crowe as Inspector Javert, Halle Berry as Catwoman, and Jeremy Irons as Profion; an image of Mr. Humberfloob rises up the meter] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, let's see. We passed Dennis Hopper from "Super Mario Bros."... uh, passed Russell Crowe from anything he's in, and we're right up to...

  [the Humberfloob image stops at the image of Irons] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Jeremy Irons from "Dungeons and Dragons"!

  [imitates Profion] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [he and Evilina freak out at the sight of Thing 1 and Thing 2]  When did Marge Simpson mutate with Alfred E. Neuman? Those are hideous!

  Peter Souless : What? They look like the Dr. Seuss book!

• Nostalgia Critic : We then see her two kids at home played by Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning, who's best known for playing a strange, lifeless-looking puppet. Oh, and Coraline.

  [the Critic and Evilina do a rim shot] 

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, I sometimes wonder if this is all just a really wacky episode of "To Catch a Predator".

• Nostalgia Critic : No, I got it. I know what this is: this is one of those fake trailers before "Tropic Thunder". The one that looks real but is so goddamn stupid it couldn't possibly exist, except this one actually exists and you should cry because of it.

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Soulless]  Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?

  Peter Souless : Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.

  Analyst 2 : Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.

  [Soulless clears his throat loudly] 

  Analyst 2 : Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.

  Analyst 1 : You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told...

  [various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen] 

  Analyst 1 : ... when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.

  Analyst 2 : The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.

  Analyst 1 : Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.

  Nostalgia Critic : But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!

  Analyst 1 : But the chart says...

  [the Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out] 

  Analyst 1 : Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss!

  [takes out a gun and puts it to his head] 

  Analyst 1 : And that's...

  [fires the gun, killing himself] 

  Analyst 2 : [taking the gun and putting it to his head]  I'm coming with you!

  [fires the gun and kills himself] 

  Evilina : [giggles]  That was funny!

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  Who turned off the charts? Did you turn off the charts? I didn't turn off the charts!

• [in the movie, the Cat, having ruined the kids' mother's dress, tells them it was ruined when she bought it, then snaps his fingers and bobs his head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know, whenever I have too much hope, I'll just remember to play that scene to remind me that all is lost.

  [he looks at that scene again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : All is lost.

• [the Critic is complaining about just how bad "The Cat In the Hat" really is] 

  Peter Souless : By having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.

  Nostalgia Critic : No. Every single thing you said, you got *backwards*: by having grown-up humor, you make it more *childish*. By "modernizing" the dialogue, you make it more *dated*. And by changing the source material, you show how much you *don't* respect what's already *perfect*. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed, they don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.

  Peter Souless : Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just simple kids books!

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting to his feet]  No, they're NOT just simple kids books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget, and for good reason! They're stories that helped to shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. And the idea of this shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness, also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.

  Evilina : Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.

  Nostalgia Critic : So do I, kiddo. So do I.

  Peter Souless : No! No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm gonna show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them!

  [lightning crackles as the Critic and Evilina cower together] 

  Peter Souless : "The Grinch" with dog butt kissing!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : No!

  Peter Souless : "Horton Hears a Who" with anime references!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : NO!

  Peter Souless : "THE LORAX" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND ZAC EFRON!

  [Soulless cackles while the Critic and Evilina scream in terror] 

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, maybe there's some hope after all. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...

  Peter Souless : [voice coming from hell]  HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?

  [Soulless starts screaming repeatedly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [grinning]  ... while others would like to forget.

• Nostalgia Critic : It's important to know the director of this movie is Bo Welch, a world famous production designer on a lot of Tim Burton movies and Barry Sonnenfeld productions. I say this because clearly he's much better at directing the set than he is at directing his actors. Though as you can see, even that can get a little extreme.

  [cut to the Humberfloob office floor, a set where everything is bright green, even Mr. Humberfloob's suit, and makes Joan's pink outfit stand out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I feel like I'm at the beginning of a Doublemint Gum commercial.

• Nostalgia Critic : Whaddaya say, kiddo? Ready to take a trip into some awkward humor?

  Evilina : With Mike Myers? Of course!

  Nostalgia Critic : Let us journey into "Dr. Seuss's" The Cat in the Hat.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as he and Evilina watch "The Cat in the Hat"]  Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout?

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  I would!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no, it's Peter Soulless.

  Evilina : Who?

  Nostalgia Critic : The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. Call him "The Ass with the Cash".

• Peter Souless : I see you're young and impressionable, too. So I have a jiggy load of crunk here for you! With modern jokes, adult jokes, and poop jokes galore. References kids won't get, who could ask for more? It's totally "boss" and with the "in crowd", is there any "pwnage" this funkiness allows?

  Nostalgia Critic : Stop it! Stop it! Stop trying to sound cool!

  Peter Souless : Is my hizzy in a nizzy?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, you clearly have no idea how people talk and you clearly have no idea what made Dr. Seuss a great author.

  Peter Souless : Whatever do you mean?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  Alright, if I can take this chance to enlighten you on how Dr. Seuss is being butchered nowadays, maybe some good can come of this.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Mike Myers]  He had some good characters, he had some good bits, and he seemed to have a likable personality. But after a while, people started to catch on to the repetition of his humor, that without proper support, couldn't keep everybody laughing for very long. And nowhere is that more painfully spotlighted than in this flick. Look at this scene where he has to keep you entertained for a good solid minute just on his own.

  Cat in the Hat : Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline who's here to make sure that you're... meline? Key lime? Turpentine? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really, no.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, the Cat in the Hat, the most famous Dr. Seuss character of all time, is not good at rhyming.

  [to Evilina] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Starting to see what I'm talking about?

  [Evilina nods] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Cat in the Hat dresses as Carmen Miranda]  AH! When did the Chiquita Banana become a mime?

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Peter Soulless]  All right, first of all, when did you start following anything from the Dr. Seuss book? Second, what makes something cute in a drawing doesn't necessarily make it cute in real life. In drawing, you can get away with leaving certain things out, like upper lips, per se. They would look like wrinkles if you put them in a drawing, but in real life, it looks fucking scary! The reason Cindy Lou was the only cute character in "The Grinch" was because she's the only one who was allowed to have an upper lip. Everyone else looked like a demon-possessed Hungry Hungry Hippo!

  [about Thing 1 and Thing 2] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And these two look like the Shining girls if Bozo the Clown gave them Jaegerbombs!

• [the Critic objects to the Cat's laugh, arguing that that alone does not make him a well-rounded character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's not as good as...

  Peter Souless : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't.

  Peter Souless : What were you going to say?

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't make me say it.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  He's not as good as Jim Carrey in "The Grinch".

  Peter Souless , Evilina : Ohhhh!

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up! It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy-I-shit-my-pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He can work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into. Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from "White Chicks". I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It's just it wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work?

• [the Critic is so turned off by a particularly confusing, nonsensical scene in the movie that he leaves the room to watch the sunset; eventually, his phone rings and he answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello?

  Evilina : [on the phone]  Hello, Critic? Are you coming back?

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't know, child. It's just... that last scene. What can somebody say to that?

  Evilina : I don't know.

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress, and on a swing...

  Evilina : With a unicorn...

  Nostalgia Critic : I have nothing for it. I have no jokes at all. Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that... I've lost my touch at making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that... "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me?

  Evilina : I don't know, but my dad will kill you if he knows that you left me alone instead of babysitting.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll be back soon.

  [he hangs up and returns home, sighing resignedly as he does so] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So after that scene...

  [he resumes the review] 

• [in the movie, the Cat looks at a photo of the children's mother and his hat springs up straight] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really, Soulless? A dick innuendo joke?

  Peter Souless : Well, that was just to throw in a little dirty humor for the adults.

• Nostalgia Critic : Alec Baldwin plays the evil neighbor who wants to marry the mother and send her son, Conrad, off to military school. Why? I don't know. Something has to account for this uncomfortably forced conflict here, though.

• [Satan arrives at the Critic's house to take Evilina home, then sees Soulless on the TV screen] 

  Satan : Hey... I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies!

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Satan : Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.

  Evilina : That almost rhymes!

  Peter Souless : It's not true! It's simply not true!

  Satan : And now it's time to return the favor.

  [he snaps his fingers] 

  Peter Souless : What?

  [suddenly, he screams as he falls into a flaming pit] 

• [Satan is punishing Soulless for making the Dr. Seuss movies] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, uh, I know it's not my place or anything, but, uh, could I throw in a suggestion torture?

  Satan : Sure. What?

  [the Critic whispers in his ear] 

  Satan : You want me to do WHAT with the fork?

  [the Critic whispers in his ear some more] 

  Satan : Buddy, I like the way you think.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, you gave me a lot to work with.

  Satan : [to Evilina]  Come, my little hell-spawn!

  [Satan and Evilina, the latter taking the Critic's Dr. Seuss book with her] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [waving goodbye]  Enjoy that book!