Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Cat in the Hat (2013)

Orlando Belisle: Peter Souless

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : For God's sake, Soulless! Why are you being so blatant with how evil you are?

  Peter Souless : Well, it's hip writing fact #1: if you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid.

  Evilina : Oh, I see! Critic, I'm gonna hit you!

  [slaps him in the face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW!

  Evilina : You can't scream; it's no longer painful and stupid.

  Nostalgia Critic : [hitting her back]  YES, IT IS! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS!

  [Evilina starts crying from being hit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : SHUT UP!

  [Evilina stops crying abruptly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Even with its dumbass ending of mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped, and the party going great!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, Soulless, here's one of my big problems here: if you're going to show family dilemmas and conflicts, try actually showing it. The kid and mother snapping at each other - if you could even call it that, it's so unemotional - seems needlessly mean and unjustified. There's little to no build up to such harshness being delivered from both of them.

  Peter Souless : Well, we needed to add some extra morals.

  Nostalgia Critic : Why? The one in the book is fine, as well as unique. Sometimes a little rule breaking is okay as long as it never goes too far. That's a rare message for kids. And Seuss delivered it in a balanced way because the kids were normal kids. Here, the boy is already out of control and the girl is the other extreme, so the message is already getting confused.

  Peter Souless : Well, we needed to change it around for the longer running time.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Polar Express" kept the message focused with a longer running time. "Mary Poppins" kept the message focused with a longer running time. Why couldn't this?

  Peter Souless : Oh, what good are those movies, anyway? They don't even have pop culture references! That, and we knew Mike Myers would only be funny for one more year, and we had to cash in on him as quickly as possible.

• Nostalgia Critic : [he and Evilina freak out at the sight of Thing 1 and Thing 2]  When did Marge Simpson mutate with Alfred E. Neuman? Those are hideous!

  Peter Souless : What? They look like the Dr. Seuss book!

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Soulless]  Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?

  Peter Souless : Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.

  Analyst 2 : Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.

  [Soulless clears his throat loudly] 

  Analyst 2 : Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.

  Analyst 1 : You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told...

  [various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen] 

  Analyst 1 : ... when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.

  Analyst 2 : The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.

  Analyst 1 : Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.

  Nostalgia Critic : But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!

  Analyst 1 : But the chart says...

  [the Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out] 

  Analyst 1 : Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss!

  [takes out a gun and puts it to his head] 

  Analyst 1 : And that's...

  [fires the gun, killing himself] 

  Analyst 2 : [taking the gun and putting it to his head]  I'm coming with you!

  [fires the gun and kills himself] 

  Evilina : [giggles]  That was funny!

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  Who turned off the charts? Did you turn off the charts? I didn't turn off the charts!

• [the Critic is complaining about just how bad "The Cat In the Hat" really is] 

  Peter Souless : By having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.

  Nostalgia Critic : No. Every single thing you said, you got *backwards*: by having grown-up humor, you make it more *childish*. By "modernizing" the dialogue, you make it more *dated*. And by changing the source material, you show how much you *don't* respect what's already *perfect*. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed, they don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.

  Peter Souless : Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just simple kids books!

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting to his feet]  No, they're NOT just simple kids books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget, and for good reason! They're stories that helped to shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. And the idea of this shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness, also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.

  Evilina : Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.

  Nostalgia Critic : So do I, kiddo. So do I.

  Peter Souless : No! No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm gonna show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them!

  [lightning crackles as the Critic and Evilina cower together] 

  Peter Souless : "The Grinch" with dog butt kissing!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : No!

  Peter Souless : "Horton Hears a Who" with anime references!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : NO!

  Peter Souless : "THE LORAX" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND ZAC EFRON!

  [Soulless cackles while the Critic and Evilina scream in terror] 

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, maybe there's some hope after all. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...

  Peter Souless : [voice coming from hell]  HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?

  [Soulless starts screaming repeatedly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [grinning]  ... while others would like to forget.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as he and Evilina watch "The Cat in the Hat"]  Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout?

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  I would!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no, it's Peter Soulless.

  Evilina : Who?

  Nostalgia Critic : The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. Call him "The Ass with the Cash".

• Peter Souless : I see you're young and impressionable, too. So I have a jiggy load of crunk here for you! With modern jokes, adult jokes, and poop jokes galore. References kids won't get, who could ask for more? It's totally "boss" and with the "in crowd", is there any "pwnage" this funkiness allows?

  Nostalgia Critic : Stop it! Stop it! Stop trying to sound cool!

  Peter Souless : Is my hizzy in a nizzy?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, you clearly have no idea how people talk and you clearly have no idea what made Dr. Seuss a great author.

  Peter Souless : Whatever do you mean?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  Alright, if I can take this chance to enlighten you on how Dr. Seuss is being butchered nowadays, maybe some good can come of this.

• [the Critic objects to the Cat's laugh, arguing that that alone does not make him a well-rounded character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's not as good as...

  Peter Souless : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't.

  Peter Souless : What were you going to say?

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't make me say it.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  He's not as good as Jim Carrey in "The Grinch".

  Peter Souless , Evilina : Ohhhh!

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up! It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy-I-shit-my-pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He can work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into. Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from "White Chicks". I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It's just it wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work?

• [in the movie, the Cat looks at a photo of the children's mother and his hat springs up straight] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really, Soulless? A dick innuendo joke?

  Peter Souless : Well, that was just to throw in a little dirty humor for the adults.

• [Satan arrives at the Critic's house to take Evilina home, then sees Soulless on the TV screen] 

  Satan : Hey... I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies!

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Satan : Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.

  Evilina : That almost rhymes!

  Peter Souless : It's not true! It's simply not true!

  Satan : And now it's time to return the favor.

  [he snaps his fingers] 

  Peter Souless : What?

  [suddenly, he screams as he falls into a flaming pit]