Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Cat in the Hat (2013)

Rachel Tietz: Evilina

Photos 

Quotes 

• Evilina : [seeing the Cat in the Hat for the first time]  Mr. Critic, is this what happens when Pepe Le Pew makes whoopee with Ronald McDonald?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes. Yes, it is.

  Evilina : I'm afraid.

  Nostalgia Critic : [whispering]  We all are.

• Nostalgia Critic : For God's sake, Soulless! Why are you being so blatant with how evil you are?

  Peter Souless : Well, it's hip writing fact #1: if you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid.

  Evilina : Oh, I see! Critic, I'm gonna hit you!

  [slaps him in the face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW!

  Evilina : You can't scream; it's no longer painful and stupid.

  Nostalgia Critic : [hitting her back]  YES, IT IS! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS!

  [Evilina starts crying from being hit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : SHUT UP!

  [Evilina stops crying abruptly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Even with its dumbass ending of mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped, and the party going great!

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...

  Evilina : [playing with a Princess Celestia doll and singing]  My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little...

  [the Critic grabs the doll, throws it on the ground and shoots it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We're not gonna turn this video into another brony message board; now sit down!

  [Evilina crosses her arms in a huff] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this week and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor.

  [talking on a cell phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done?

  Satan : [on the phone]  Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal.

  [He holds out a binder for the Disney movie, "Planes"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  It's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression.

• Nostalgia Critic : What do kids normally do? They make tofu or something?

  Evilina : Well, you could read me a story.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, okay.

  [pulls out a book containing Dr. Seuss stories] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, this one's a classic.

  [starts reading "The Cat in the Hat"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!"

  Evilina : [looks closely at the book]  Wait, why does he look like a cat?

  Nostalgia Critic : Because he's a cat.

  Evilina : No, that's not what he looks like. He's supposed to be scary, and weird, and constantly out of breath.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Evilina : And why is it all in rhyme?

  Nostalgia Critic : Because it's Dr. Seuss; everything he does is in rhyme.

  Evilina : No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in a while. And where's all the subplots, and in-jokes, and advertisements, and forced morals, and penis innuendos?

  Nostalgia Critic : What the fuck are you talking about?

  Evilina : [pulls out "Cat in the Hat" DVD]  This.

  [puts movie into DVD player; movie starts; the Critic looks disgusted by what he sees] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This isn't Dr. Seuss! It's not even close! It's evil, corporate pandering with freaky imagery that's promoting everything that's wrong with humanity! This was next to "Son of the Mask", wasn't it?

  Evilina : Yep.

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Soulless]  Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?

  Peter Souless : Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.

  Analyst 2 : Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.

  [Soulless clears his throat loudly] 

  Analyst 2 : Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.

  Analyst 1 : You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told...

  [various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen] 

  Analyst 1 : ... when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.

  Analyst 2 : The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.

  Analyst 1 : Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.

  Nostalgia Critic : But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!

  Analyst 1 : But the chart says...

  [the Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out] 

  Analyst 1 : Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss!

  [takes out a gun and puts it to his head] 

  Analyst 1 : And that's...

  [fires the gun, killing himself] 

  Analyst 2 : [taking the gun and putting it to his head]  I'm coming with you!

  [fires the gun and kills himself] 

  Evilina : [giggles]  That was funny!

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  Who turned off the charts? Did you turn off the charts? I didn't turn off the charts!

• [the Critic is complaining about just how bad "The Cat In the Hat" really is] 

  Peter Souless : By having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.

  Nostalgia Critic : No. Every single thing you said, you got *backwards*: by having grown-up humor, you make it more *childish*. By "modernizing" the dialogue, you make it more *dated*. And by changing the source material, you show how much you *don't* respect what's already *perfect*. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed, they don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.

  Peter Souless : Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just simple kids books!

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting to his feet]  No, they're NOT just simple kids books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget, and for good reason! They're stories that helped to shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. And the idea of this shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness, also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.

  Evilina : Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.

  Nostalgia Critic : So do I, kiddo. So do I.

  Peter Souless : No! No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm gonna show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them!

  [lightning crackles as the Critic and Evilina cower together] 

  Peter Souless : "The Grinch" with dog butt kissing!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : No!

  Peter Souless : "Horton Hears a Who" with anime references!

  Nostalgia Critic , Evilina : NO!

  Peter Souless : "THE LORAX" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND ZAC EFRON!

  [Soulless cackles while the Critic and Evilina scream in terror] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Whaddaya say, kiddo? Ready to take a trip into some awkward humor?

  Evilina : With Mike Myers? Of course!

  Nostalgia Critic : Let us journey into "Dr. Seuss's" The Cat in the Hat.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as he and Evilina watch "The Cat in the Hat"]  Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout?

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  I would!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no, it's Peter Soulless.

  Evilina : Who?

  Nostalgia Critic : The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. Call him "The Ass with the Cash".

• [the Critic objects to the Cat's laugh, arguing that that alone does not make him a well-rounded character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's not as good as...

  Peter Souless : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't.

  Peter Souless : What were you going to say?

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : Please don't make me say it.

  Peter Souless : What is it?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  He's not as good as Jim Carrey in "The Grinch".

  Peter Souless , Evilina : Ohhhh!

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up! It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy-I-shit-my-pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He can work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into. Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from "White Chicks". I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It's just it wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work?

• [the Critic is so turned off by a particularly confusing, nonsensical scene in the movie that he leaves the room to watch the sunset; eventually, his phone rings and he answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello?

  Evilina : [on the phone]  Hello, Critic? Are you coming back?

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't know, child. It's just... that last scene. What can somebody say to that?

  Evilina : I don't know.

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress, and on a swing...

  Evilina : With a unicorn...

  Nostalgia Critic : I have nothing for it. I have no jokes at all. Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that... I've lost my touch at making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that... "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me?

  Evilina : I don't know, but my dad will kill you if he knows that you left me alone instead of babysitting.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll be back soon.

  [he hangs up and returns home, sighing resignedly as he does so] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So after that scene...

  [he resumes the review] 

• [Satan arrives at the Critic's house to take Evilina home, then sees Soulless on the TV screen] 

  Satan : Hey... I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies!

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Satan : Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.

  Evilina : That almost rhymes!

  Peter Souless : It's not true! It's simply not true!

  Satan : And now it's time to return the favor.

  [he snaps his fingers] 

  Peter Souless : What?

  [suddenly, he screams as he falls into a flaming pit]