Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Cat in the Hat (2013)

Malcolm Ray: Satan, Analyst 2

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...

  Evilina : [playing with a Princess Celestia doll and singing]  My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little...

  [the Critic grabs the doll, throws it on the ground and shoots it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We're not gonna turn this video into another brony message board; now sit down!

  [Evilina crosses her arms in a huff] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this week and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor.

  [talking on a cell phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done?

  Satan : [on the phone]  Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal.

  [He holds out a binder for the Disney movie, "Planes"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  It's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, the Cat in the Hat is voiced by Mike Myers]  Now, for those who don't remember, there was a time when Mike Myers ruled the fucking world. He was a hit on "Saturday Night Live", grew a cult following with "Austin Powers", resulting in a monster hit with its sequel, landed another big hit with "Shrek", killed as a host at the MTV Movie Awards... and I'm just going to say it: he may not have been that funny.

  [everyone gasps, then the Critic's phone rings and he answers it; it's Satan] 

  Satan : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : Or maybe not as funny as we built him up to be.

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Soulless]  Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?

  Peter Souless : Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.

  Analyst 2 : Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.

  [Soulless clears his throat loudly] 

  Analyst 2 : Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.

  Analyst 1 : You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told...

  [various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen] 

  Analyst 1 : ... when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.

  Analyst 2 : The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.

  Analyst 1 : Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.

  Nostalgia Critic : But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!

  Analyst 1 : Well, the chart says...

  Nostalgia Critic : You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!

  Analyst 1 : But the chart says...

  [the Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out] 

  Analyst 1 : Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss!

  [takes out a gun and puts it to his head] 

  Analyst 1 : And that's...

  [fires the gun, killing himself] 

  Analyst 2 : [taking the gun and putting it to his head]  I'm coming with you!

  [fires the gun and kills himself] 

  Evilina : [giggles]  That was funny!

  Peter Souless : [appearing on the TV screen]  Who turned off the charts? Did you turn off the charts? I didn't turn off the charts!

• [Satan arrives at the Critic's house to take Evilina home, then sees Soulless on the TV screen] 

  Satan : Hey... I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies!

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Satan : Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.

  Evilina : That almost rhymes!

  Peter Souless : It's not true! It's simply not true!

  Satan : And now it's time to return the favor.

  [he snaps his fingers] 

  Peter Souless : What?

  [suddenly, he screams as he falls into a flaming pit] 

• [Satan is punishing Soulless for making the Dr. Seuss movies] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, uh, I know it's not my place or anything, but, uh, could I throw in a suggestion torture?

  Satan : Sure. What?

  [the Critic whispers in his ear] 

  Satan : You want me to do WHAT with the fork?

  [the Critic whispers in his ear some more] 

  Satan : Buddy, I like the way you think.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, you gave me a lot to work with.

  Satan : [to Evilina]  Come, my little hell-spawn!

  [Satan and Evilina, the latter taking the Critic's Dr. Seuss book with her] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [waving goodbye]  Enjoy that book!