Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Sailor Moon (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Young Critic

Quotes 

• Narrator : A thousand years ago, our moon was home to a great civilization, ruled by Queen Serenity.

  Nostalgia Critic : Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

• Nostalgia Critic : [explaining that the age of consent in "Sailor Moon" is 14 years old, the ages of the girls in the show]  Now, before any of you find this incredibly creepy, let me make one thing perfectly clear. The age of consent in many parts of Japan is in fact *13* years old. NOW you may find it incredibly creepy. And yes, there's a lot of fine print to that law that evens it out a bit, but there's just as much fine print that evens it back into kinky territory again. For example, sex between 13- to 17-year-olds can only be done with other 13- to 17-year-olds.

  Homer Simpson : That's good.

  Nostalgia Critic : However, that's only sex. Groping, handjobs, blowjobs, and whatever else your perverted imagination can come up with is all perfectly legal.

  Homer Simpson : That's bad.

  Nostalgia Critic : However, they have cracked down on human trafficking, forced prostitution, and other illegal acts endangering people in that age range.

  Homer Simpson : That's good.

  Nostalgia Critic : But that doesn't stop people from creating kinky establishments like the Sexual Harassment Corporation where you pay to molest girls in school and business sets, and is totally 100% legal.

  Homer Simpson : Can I go now?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about sexuality in Japan]  I guess when you come down to it, it is just cultural differences. I mean, sexual urges in young people does start well before 18. My personal problem is, like media in most cultures, it doesn't try to help younger people understand sexuality, but rather exploits it. Rather than educate young people about sex, it's honestly just easier if we can make money off of it. But of course, all this talk about Sailor Moon being a sexy 14-year-old pinup is all building up to one important question: Given this information, why did I still put her in the Top 11 Hottest Animated Women list? I DIDN'T KNOW! I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW! I mean, look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were in college or at the very least late high school! Wouldn't you have made that guess? Come on, look at the way they're showing them off! I swear, officer... I mean audience! I had no idea of their real age! I mean, you might be saying to yourself, "Oh, what, didn't you grow up watching the show? Didn't you pay attention to it at all?"... NO! No, I didn't! I mean, I watched it, but I didn't really listen to it! I too was 14 at a time! And... maybe I viewed it for... different reasons.

• [in 1995, the Critic, 14 years old, with acne and grunge hair, sits in his room] 

  Young Critic : [holding a bunch of papers]  Stupid homework.

  [suddenly the Sailor Moon theme plays on the TV] 

  Young Critic : Oh my God, this is awful.

  [turns TV off] 

  Critic's penis : [deep voice]  Turn that back on.

  Young Critic : [looks around]  Who said that?

  Critic's penis : I did.

  Young Critic : [looking down at his crotch]  Penis?

  Critic's penis : Yeah.

  Young Critic : You can talk?

  Critic's penis : All penises talk around this age. It's the greatest secret no woman knows about but wouldn't be the least bit shocked to discover.

  Young Critic : Well, despite what a terrifying discovery this is, I'm still not gonna watch this show.

  Critic's penis : It doesn't matter what you think. From now on, I'll be calling all the shots. You're gonna see everything in a whole new light.

  Young Critic : What are you talking about?

  Critic's penis : Look at that show again.

  [TV shows portions of transformation sequence] 

  Critic's penis : Looks damn good now, doesn't it?

  Young Critic : [enthralled]  Wow... There's more to this show than I thought...

  Critic's penis : Aw yeah.

  Young Critic : No! I'm a mentally capable male! I won't let my penis call all my decisions for me!

  [turns TV off, then hears the sound of a gun being cocked; the gun is pointed at him from the crotch] 

  Critic's penis : Turn that back on, or I'll shoot where the sun always shines.

  Young Critic : ...No, I won't?

  [suddenly, a gunshot is heard as the viewer cuts back to the present-day Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Excuse me, I have some memories I need to repress.

  [leaves as the video goes to a commercial; on return, the Critic returns, holding a bottle of alcohol and feeling drunk] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I think I've properly erased those memories.

  Critic's penis : They'll be back.

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up, or I'll do another groin shot joke.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Sailor Uranus]  Actually, things got kind of interesting with her character, seeing how Uranus and Neptune were cousins in the show, but not in the Japanese version. No, no, in the Japanese version, they were a couple. That's right, straight-up lesbians!

  Critic's penis : What was that?

  Nostalgia Critic : Nothing! I said nothing!

• [in the original Japanese version, but not the American dub, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune are lesbians] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, kinda funny how we can sex up our fourteen-year-olds all we want, but the idea of them being attracted to something that don't have a penis apparently was too much for Americans back then. So just to check...

  [shows a shot of "Bratz"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay...

  [shows a shot of Uranus and Neptune] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... Shame!

  [shows a shot of "Honey Boo Boo"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay...

  [shows another shot of Uranus and Neptune] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... Shame!

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme...

  [phone rings and he answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello?

  Eureka : Mr. Critic, uh, Dr. Hack thinks he may have, like, finished that formula or whatever.

  [suddenly, the Critic comes in to see her] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Lead on.

  Dr. Hack : All right, Critic, I know I messed up with the Sailor Moon formula, but I've come up with a formula that's even better.

  Nostalgia Critic : Even better? You mean, like, more successful than "Sailor Moon"?

  Dr. Hack : Three times more successful!

  Nostalgia Critic : Really?

  Dr. Hack : Yes! According to my calculations, this should be the most famous, most profitable formula the world has ever known!

  Nostalgia Critic : Good God, Dr. Hack, what is it? What is it?

  Dr. Hack : Okay, okay. Three online performers - two male, one female - remake movies with the help of a German cameraman and Irish immigrant!

  [there is a long pause, then the Critic gets angry, takes off his hat and starts beating Dr. Hack with it] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Right now, I'm in the laboratory of Dr. Hack, the master of formulas. Not scientific formulas, not mathematical formulas, but television formulas. Any TV show that has a formula that's been repeated over and over and over, he's the guy that came up with it. Watch this.

  [he turns to Dr. Hack] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers".

  Dr. Hack : Bland teens fight Putty Patrol, then monster, then giant monster in giant robot.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Home Improvement".

  Dr. Hack : Toolman screws up, neighbor gives advice, Toolman gets advice wrong, but Toolman's forgiven anyway.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Scooby-Doo".

  Dr. Hack : It's always the person in the opening you forgot about.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Inspector Gadget", "Captain Planet", "Everybody Loves Raymond".

  Dr. Hack : Everybody actually hates Raymond. He should've divorced that bitch and her family long ago.

• Nostalgia Critic : I remember when it first aired in America. It was an export from Japan, which I think was originally called "Magical Girl Squad Robo Dance Yes". Not quite as familiar with anime as Americans are today, a lot of people just saw it as "Speed Racer" with tits. What we didn't understand was that the audience for this was growing more and more rabid. And whether for its campiness or actual enjoyment of the story, it was becoming an underground hit, for kids, teens and that creepy guy who fixes your computer.

• Nostalgia Critic : You'll quickly notice that, like many animes, the best parts of the show aren't in the action, the characters, the story, or the writing. It's in the goddamn opening theme song. Not only is the beat catchy as hell, but look at this animation. Look at the visuals. It's like a Van Gogh of anime kid openings. In fact, there's even a Van Gogh in it! Don't ask why, I don't care, it's freaking awesome! I'll allow it! I guess the only downside is the obvious American additions. Like this pointless Star Wars-style scroll. Yeah, because that's what girls watching this show are really into: Star Wars! They go so hand in hand, I'm surprised Lucas didn't release a more feminine version with Serena doing Darth Vader.

  Darth Vader : [Serena's voice]  Did you hear? There's a new Sailor V video game out! I saw it on TV!

  Agent : Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship.

  Darth Vader : Oh, yeah.

  Agent : And no transmissions were made.

  Darth Vader : How can that be? My mom finds out, she'll ground me and cut my allowance!

  Agent : An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No lifeforms were aboard.

  Darth Vader : [sad]  I can't believe this! Oh-ho! Ohhh! What am I going to do?

  [suddenly happy again] 

  Darth Vader : We can get ice cream!

  Agent : Yes, sir!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Serena and Darien argue]  Wow, they really seem like polar opposites and hate each other to the core. They hook up?

  [caption: "No fucking shit!"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh-huh. And how tediously long do they drag that out?

  [caption: "Worse than Jim and Pam from 'The Office'"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh Jesus! Just mail me the comedic banter to my office shredder!

• Nostalgia Critic : [pointing out how easily people fall into Jadeite's traps; as Jadeite]  Please get in this evil device which is in no way an evil device.

  [three schoolgirls get trapped in test tubes covered in glowing ooze] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Joke's on you; it was an evil device.

• [a talking cat named Luna tells Serena she is a reincarnation of one of the guardians, Sailor Moon, and has the power to fight evil by saying "Moon prism power!"; Serena says those words] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And of course, this gives way to the famous transformation scene: the tiara, the boots, the nail polish... later covered by gloves so that was pointless, and of course, the miniskirt. The mini-mini-mini-mini-MINI-mini-mini-mini-miniskirt. Yup, the costume choice that in no way enables her to fight better but sure does force her to squat a lot.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Sailor Moon's scantily-clad outfit]  Okay, so take out the fact that it's obviously in no way battle armor. Take out the fact that it's obviously fan-service. Take out the fact that, just like He-Man, somehow removing more clothes bizarrely disguises them, though to be fair with both these outfits, is the face really the first thing you're gonna be looking at? Take all that away and just tell yourself: this obviously sexualized transformation that takes up a solid minute in each episode... happens to a 14-year-old girl. Yeah. Forgot that for a second, didn't ya? The girls in this show are and always have been 14 years old. Fourteen years old! FOURTEEN YEARS OLD! Fourteen...

  [gets distracted briefly by Sailor Mars' panty shot] 

  Nostalgia Critic : DAMN!... uh, years old.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, it will probably surprise no one that Sailor Moon actually does very little physical fighting in this show. Which is no big shock; if she even raises her knee a centimeter to kick, she exposes her goodies to the world. Which in many parts of Japan, of course, is no big problem anyway.

• Nostalgia Critic : See if you can spot where else the Americans made some changes. They're so subtle, I'll doubt you'll ever notice where they geniously slipped them in.

  [clips of the show play in the opening as various backgrounds flash] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, unbelievably natural, if you were going less for action-packed adventure and more for "Saved By the Bell" credits.

  [the "Saved By the Bell" theme plays over the "Sailor Moon" opening] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But you quickly discover, in many respects, that IS what the show is going for. At first, it seems like it's gonna be a big, albeit audience-insultingly rushed, space battle between cosmic planet... people... folk.

• Nostalgia Critic : Look, show, even if you pretend you have a story that matters beyond people who see a high-class meal as a flaming Hot Pocket, you still have to follow up all that supposed epicness with this.

  [in the show, Serena's alarm clock goes, waking her up, and she frantically tries to get ready for school] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I bet you thought this was going to be a big space opera, with action, drama, and exotic locations. But nope, it's just your common English-speaking town that has everything in Japanese for some reason.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Serena seems shocked that she can now suddenly transform... though weirdly enough doesn't look the least bit shocked while she's transforming. In fact, I bet she'll keep this exact same calm state every single time she changes, and every villain she's fighting will quietly wait for her to finish before actually attacking. It's the Japanese way.

• Dr. Hack : Eureka!

  Eureka : What?

  Dr. Hack : Oh, there you are, Eureka. Get ready to jot down my latest formula.

  Nostalgia Critic : You got it?

  Dr. Hack : Yes, and it's going to make us millions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, that's wonderful. Let's hear it.

  Dr. Hack : Fourteen-year-old old girl acts stupid, uses magical powers to look slutty and stupid...

  [the Critic's smile fades] 

  Dr. Hack : ... talking cat tells her how to fight crime because she's so stupid, surrounds herself with smarter girls that make her look even more stupid...

  Nostalgia Critic : [perplexed]  That's "Sailor Moon".

  Dr. Hack : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : The formula you're describing, it's "Sailor Moon".

  Dr. Hack : Do they have a villain that keeps attacking the same town?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes.

  Dr. Hack : Do they have a tedious romance with a magic boyfriend?

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting frustrated]  Yes.

  Dr. Hack : Do they repeat the same animation?

  Nostalgia Critic : Worse than Hanna-Barbera!

  Dr. Hack : And it was successful?

  Nostalgia Critic : It's one of the most popular animes of all time!

  Dr. Hack : Hmm... Eureka?

  [he examines Eureka's drawing: it shows that a sailor plus a moon equals a dollar sign] 

  Dr. Hack : Oh, dear. Well, this is embarrassing. Um... Well, how about this one? Three obnoxiously perfect girls are raised by three obnoxiously perfect men in a house in San Francisco... and not one of them is gay!

  [the Critic ignores him as he leaves the room] 

• Nostalgia Critic : There actually is a villain in this series, known as Queen Beryl.

  [he mispronounces it "Barrel"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, because no name is more terrifying than a wooden container that can bring me alcohol. Actually, you sure she's not the hero? She uses her evil minion named Jadeite...

  [pronounces it "Jedite", then starts to bring out a "Return of the Jedi" poster, but then stops] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Eh, too obvious... to get energy out of the people of Earth, all to serve the evil realm of the Negaverse.

• Nostalgia Critic : But once Luna reminds Serena to use her brain, she goes through her pedo-licious transformation and is ready to kick ass.

  [in the show, Serena starts crying about wanting to go home] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Or... cowers in the corner like a fucking scaredy-cat.

  [Serena cries about being too scared] 

  Nostalgia Critic : In fact, THE FUCKING SCAREDY-CAT IS BRAVER THAN HER!

• Nostalgia Critic : Most of the fight scenes require her being trapped or stuck in something for probably longer than is needed. But hey, anything to save on that action-packed, detailed animation that we're just going to repeat anyway! In fact, the one you'll see most often next to the transformation sequence is her using a magic tiara which turns her enemies to dust. Or, in this case, the guy doing the magic act next door comes to save her, THEN allowing her to throw her goddamn tiara.

  [the guy in question saves Serena, then tells her to believe in herself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is Tuxedo Mask, and yes, it is painfully obvious who it really is. But please don't tell Serena; she's not very bright!

  [she becomes smitten with him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Serena]  He's so dreamy, and not at all like the other guy who I hate so much. Thank God they have nothing in common and are two completely different people.

  [looks offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, hi, Clark. Get any new pictures of Superman lately?

• Nostalgia Critic : This is Serena, a ditzy clod who has no idea that she is one of the reincarnations of the Sailor Scouts. She's just your everyday, gigantic-eyed, blond Japanese girl who constantly keeps flunking her exams.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Serena]  Being pretty as sin and dumb as cheese, she is, of course, very popular in school, obtaining all sorts of friends, like an over-the-top accent with a human attached to it and the awkward years of Dr. Insano's puberty. When not hanging out with these frightening adolescent creations, she spends most of her time solving her problems by intelligently ignoring them and finding more ways to spend her mother's money.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Jadeite's plans to get energy out of the people of Earth to serve the Negaverse]  How does Jadeite plan to do this? By creating various monsters targeting people's lust for jewelry, pop singers, fitness and pretty much anything exploiting the empty shallowness of all mankind. So naturally, Serena's never far behind, often falling for the majority of his evil plans.

• Nostalgia Critic : We know she's gonna leave the real fighting to the other Sailor Scouts. Oh, yeah. I should probably talk about them. The other reincarnations of the Scouts are found over time, usually in the exact same city and often even the exact same school. So maybe Jadeite should try his evil plans in another part of town. I mean, it's not like the Power Rangers that can beam anywhere. All this show does is glorify how lazy Serena is.

  [he talks like one of Serena's friends] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Serena! A monster is attacking Tokyo!

  [talking like Serena] 

  Nostalgia Critic : How far away is that?

  [as Serena's friend] 

  Nostalgia Critic : About ten miles.

  [as Serena] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, it's just Tokyo.

• Nostalgia Critic : By the way, here's a confusing scene. We see her walk by a poster of a young girl dressed exactly how she is dressed. Like it's from a movie or a show or something.

  [Serena fawns over the poster and wishes her life were more like the young girl in it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So... what, a movie or a TV industry got wind of this idea that coincidentally is exactly the same as what's going on right now? Does that mean that something like "Transformers" is a true story then? Because, to be fair, my car has been giving me dirty looks.

  [the Critic's car's headlights turn into Transformers-type eyes; the Critic looks away nervously] 

• [Serena is running late for school, but Serena's mother asks if she is forgetting something] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, your nose!

  [puts a big nose on Serena's relatively noseless face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Everyone's forgetting those around here.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Darrien calls Serena a "meatball head"]  Okay, that is clearly an insult to meatballs!

• [in the show, Sailor Moon is running from a bunch of thugs, while the theme song plays: "Never run from a real fight"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [stammers]  THAT'S *EXACTLY* WHAT SHE'S DOING! SHE'S RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT! Come on, you idiot! Don't pussy out, pussy UP!

  [beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I think it can be used like that. Yeah!

• Nostalgia Critic : The magic tiara isn't her only enchanted device, though. She also has a pen that can change her into anything. Wait, WHAT?

  Luna : [to Sailor Moon]  It's a very powerful transforming tool. It turns you into whatever you want.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, then, what the fuck is she using that tiara for? I mean, they didn't give any limitations or anything; they said she can change into fucking anything she wants! Why doesn't she just turn around and be like: "Take on the form of Godzilla!"

  [the pen glows, and Sailor Moon is replaced by Godzilla, who crushes Negaverse minions underfoot] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Series over! Six seasons spared! But nope, she uses it just to don disguises, which really aren't necessary, seeing how all you have to do is throw on a bathing suit and a napkin over your crotch, and apparently no one will recognize you.

• Nostalgia Critic : These other Sailors are Sailor Mars, who uses fire; Sailor Jupiter, who uses thunder; Sailor Venus, who uses energy beams; and Sailor Mercury, who uses FUCKING BUBBLES! Their personalities are about as on par as, oh, let's say... the Spice Girls. No, no, that's too demeaning. Let's say Hanson. But to their credit, they are the ones who do most of the work. And they're eventually joined by another cat named Artemis. And yes, even the other planets over time join the group as well. Oh, except Pluto.

  [takes out a gun] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You're not a planet anymore, so... yeah.

  [he shoots Sailor Pluto with his gun] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And to answer your question, yes, every kid snickered like an idiot when they heard there really was a Sailor Uranus.

• Nostalgia Critic : There's PSAs in this show, obviously slapped on at the end of each episode using the same animation they used before. Because Lord knows the show hasn't repeated enough animation already.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the show's PSAs]  To say they're time fillers is an understatement. Half the time, they don't even bother to fill in the dead air they care so little about!

  Sailor Moon : Daydreams are nice, especially the ones about... food.

  [giggles, then sighs] 

  Sailor Moon : Daydreams are cool alright.

  [long pause, as the Critic makes a "hurry-up" motion with his hand] 

  Sailor Moon : But just don't forget about the here and now.

• Nostalgia Critic : [appalled by the show's half-assed PSAs at the end]  Yeah, if they wanted a more appropriate ending, they'd go with something like this...

  Sailor Moon : [voiced by Rachel]  Hey, kids! A lot of times, we get angry letters from your parents because we know our show makes you dumber. So here's our last-minute table scraps to try and teach you something in the last few seconds we have. Um... Brush your teeth!

  [giggles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Or in the case of the lesbian duo, maybe they can do something like...

  Sailor Moon : [again voiced by Rachel]  Hey, kids! You got boys and you got girls - pick one!

  [giggles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And guys, that's as far as I got.

• Nostalgia Critic : I know there's more characters and more villains, but I specifically wanted to address the repeated formula that got Sailor Moon popular in the U.S. and why on Earth it actually worked. And that formula, as I can figure out, is as such: Serena acts like a selfish idiot; supportive friends pick up her slack; Beryl rubs crystal ball like a boob and sends Jadeite out to create monster and/or device to obtain energy, using a marketing tool targeted toward vain suburbanites; one of the Scouts discovers the plan or falls for it herself; transformation takes place via reused, sexually-confusing animation; Scout or Scouts are trapped; prat in the hat seems to get them out and do nothing else; Serena never figures out who he is, uses her magic tiara that she should've used earlier instead of reusing more dialogue footage, destroys villain, and goes back to being an idiot again.

• [Summation] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, yeah, just to double-check again: WHY DOES THIS WORK? Perhaps like a lot of other formulas, it knew what to keep familiar and what to keep changing up. It knew it was going to have a villain, but it changed up what kind of villain. It knew it had to involve an interest or product that girls wanted to be involved with, so it had a different one each episode. There was always peril that the girls had to get out of so that you'd feel great by the end when they finally do, keeping the formula exactly the same but changing up just the right elements that needed to be changed.

• Nostalgia Critic : So do I enjoy the show? Fuck no! Does it have an ingenious formula? Fuck yes! Is it bad for kids? Fuck... not really. While the Serena character is an annoying airhead, I will give her credit that she does at the very least have a character. It's not one that I like, but at the same time it would've been easy just to make her a pretty face with no personality. But she clearly does have a personality and goes to big extremes. And they do make her look strange and bizarre just as much as they do at making her look pretty half the time. And though, yeah, she can be self-centered, she's never really mean per se. And I guess, from what I understand, the character does get smarter as the show goes on. Or at the very least braver. As for sexing up a 14-year-old...

  [he sighs with resignation] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I think it's weird, but I guess there's always just gonna be cultural differences. And in all honesty...

  [he shows a shot of Honey Boo Boo] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... we've went out much worse. Unlike a lot of pop stars and teen magazines where the artificiality is all that's there, this at least allows girls the fantasy of being the hero and actually doing something, even if it is mixed in with that artificiality as well. But I don't know if Serena's dummy reaction to it all always shows it in such a good light. But the moments where she fights back and saves the day is always shown in a good light. So have fun with your little show. Just keep it as far away as you can from me.