Johnny Knoxville: Irving Zisman
Photos
Quotes
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[from trailer]
Bicycle man : Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman : Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
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Irving Zisman : My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
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Irving Zisman : You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman #1 : No.
Irving Zisman : Seventy-five dollars.
Woman #2 : What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman : It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying?
[chuckles]
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Billy : [to the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.
Irving Zisman : [turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!
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Irving Zisman : I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Male Stripper : Man, what the fuck?
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Irving Zisman : I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure!
[chuckles]
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Irving Zisman : [while making a ham sandwich in the store] Now, let's get some damn mustard.
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Irving Zisman : [to Billy at the diner] I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa.
[farts]
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Irving Zisman : [to a woman] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, "Ooooowww" it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went "Ooooowww", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
Bingo Woman #1 : Oh, okay.
Irving Zisman : Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
Bingo Woman #2 : Oh my god!
Irving Zisman : Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
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Irving Zisman : Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
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Billy : [while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.
Irving Zisman : Pipe down!
[moans]
Irving Zisman : Oh, God...
Billy : [keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
Irving Zisman : [mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
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Irving Zisman : Why are you shaking your head?
Chuck : 'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
Irving Zisman : Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
Chuck : I sell computers!
Irving Zisman : Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
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Irving Zisman : I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.
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Irving Zisman : [about his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
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Irving Zisman : [to the fast-food worker] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang!
[laughs]
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Irving Zisman : [about a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?
Billy : Yeah...
Irving Zisman : How long did you go out with her?
Billy : A day.
Irving Zisman : [bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
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Irving Zisman : [upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!
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Billy : [about his grandma] She passed away.
Woman : [gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman : Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman : [gasps] Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman : Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
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Irving Zisman : [after putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
James : [walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman : [continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.
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Billy : Did you just toot, grandpa?
Irving Zisman : That was a church house creeper.
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Billy : Wanna see how red I can get my face?
Irving Zisman : [laughs] Yeah. Stop stop stop. Oh my god, that was redder than a ape's ass.
Billy : Watch your mouth.
Irving Zisman : Oh sorry. That was redder than a ape's tuchus.
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Irving Zisman : You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.
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George Prisco : I'm about to whip you, motherfucker. Up your ass, bro.
Irving Zisman : You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober! Oh. Oh. I got your doober! I got your doober!
[pretends to eat his nose]
Irving Zisman : I ate your doober.
George Prisco : You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway! You're fucking 85 years old!
Irving Zisman : I got his doober!
George Prisco : Thank god that wasn't a human being.
Irving Zisman : I got his doober and he's mad!
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George Prisco : Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro. Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
Irving Zisman : Nope. I mean if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but... I'm not fixing it.
[long pause]
Irving Zisman : Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?
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Irving Zisman : I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!
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Irving Zisman : Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
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Irving Zisman : Oh, here she is!
Woman : Here I am. You wanna buy some 22s?
Irving Zisman : What are 22s?
Woman : You wish you was 22.
Irving Zisman : They look like 36Ds to me.
Woman : No.
Irving Zisman : No? 36 full Cs.
Woman : 22s, that's what they are!
