Brad Jones: Self

Quotes 

• Brad Jones : Honestly, if a stranger were to fuck with a bear, that'd probably be the last time you heard from that stranger anyway.

• Brad Jones : Okay, you've got my attention. What do I do if I'm approached by a stranger?

  Winnie the Pooh : Number one, say no to strangers!

  Brad Jones : Yeah, but what if the question is, "Do you not want me to kidnap you?"

• Stranger with Lost Dog : Hey kid, come here a second! I seem to have lost my dog somewhere around here, and I was wondering if you might help me try to find him.

  Boy with Bike : No. Sorry, I can't do that.

  Brad Jones : Or you could tell him that you haven't seen his dog, and THEN run away, you rude ginger little shit!

• Brad Jones : The smartest person in the woods is always the owl, so let's see what he says.

  [Owl is seen sleeping in his chair, snoring occasionally] 

  Brad Jones : Oh, never mind. He appears to be suffering a stomachache from eating too many Tootsie Pops.

• Brad Jones : Owl's job here is to tell the kids what they should do if they're left home alone. Well, that's easy enough: just tie two strings to a paint can and wait atop the staircase.

  [laughs] 

  Brad Jones : Wow, that was an easy joke.

• Brad Jones : Tigger and... Olivia from "The Cosby Show"?

  [meaning Roo] 

  Brad Jones : ... are also having a deep discussion about strangers. It's quite a coincidence: every animal in this forest is talking about the very same weird topic.

  Tigger : You should avoid unsafe places.

  Roo : What are they?

  Tigger : Places where there are no other people around. Look.

  [shows images of places he talks about:] 

  Tigger : There are alleys, construction sites...

  Brad Jones : But if there's no people around, there's also no strangers!

  [he points to his own head in an "I'm thinking" gesture] 

• Brad Jones : What's worse: walking into an alley, or a guy in a tiger costume secretly watching your every move?

• Brad Jones : Oh Lord, what else are we gonna talk about? Weird people in the park? Strange behavior at the drive-in?

  Piglet : I think we should tell our friends that danger doesn't always come from strangers. It can be from someone you know!

  Brad Jones : That's right, kids - EVERYONE wants to abduct you!

  Winnie the Pooh : Oh Piglet, you're right! People you see every day might... want to touch you.

  Brad Jones : Yeah, and... wait, what?

  Winnie the Pooh : Well, there are certain private places on your body that nobody is supposed to touch, except you.

  [Brad's mouth drops open] 

  Winnie the Pooh : Sometimes your parents might touch them if they're dressing you or bathing you, or the doctor has to touch them when he's examining you.

  Brad Jones : You know that the doctor can also be guilty of...

  [he makes a proctological gesture with his hand] 

  Piglet : Oh, b-b-but, is there touching that's not okay, Pooh?

  Winnie the Pooh : Oh yes, Piglet. And that's the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside.

  Brad Jones : Stop. Stop. Stop this now, please. Stop.

  Winnie the Pooh : If anybody tries to touch you anywhere in a not okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them, "No."

  Brad Jones : Yeah, most rapists tend to listen to the word "no." Jesus Christ, kids. Kick them in the balls and run!

• Rabbit : [to Owl]  I wanted to be sure we told the kids about tricks.

  Owl : Hmm, go right ahead.

  Brad Jones : Silly rabbit, tricks are for... You know, there is such a thing as giving me too easy jokes to work with.

• Brad Jones : I like how honey is to the Pooh series what coffee is to the Coleman Francis movies.

• [in the film, two girls are approached by a stranger who comments on how pretty they are and asks them their names] 

  Tigger : [to Roo]  Okie-dokie. Now, what would you do?

  Brad Jones : Uh, tell him he was great in "The Stepfather"?

  Tigger : No, no, nope, Roo, uh-uh!

  Brad Jones : Okay, unhinged coke-head tiger, what should I do?

  Tigger : Then scream and kick and bite! Fight with all your might, and try to get away!

  Brad Jones : Are you afraid to say the term "go for the nuts"? 'Cause we are trying to give good advice here.

• Winnie the Pooh : A stranger is something a Piglet is not.

  Brad Jones : Hear that, kids? As long as the stranger is dressed like a piglet, it's okay.

• Owl : Who's there?

  Tigger : Who-hoo-hoo-hoo do you think it is? It's the one and only Tigger!

  Owl : Oh-ho, well, that's no stranger, that's my friend, Tigger.

  Brad Jones : Ha ha, so obviously, not only is a piglet costume okay, but a tiger costume as well. I hope you pervs are taking notes.

• Brad Jones : [starting to look into "Too Smart For Strangers"]  Hey, kids! Do you have that unfortunate problem of, well, getting kidnapped? That's unfortunate, because you should have paid attention to what these 40-year-old men in animal costumes had to say!

• Stranger in alley : Hey, kid, come here.

  Girl : NO!

  [runs away] 

  Brad Jones : Aw, come on! He was just wondering if he was pulling off his new mustache look.

• [a girl had a run-in with a stranger in an alley on her way home] 

  Tigger : Well, what do you know? Karen told her dad all about what happened!

  Brad Jones : You should still be worried.

  [whispering] 

  Brad Jones : That's not really her father.

• Winnie the Pooh : My, my, I certainly learned a lot from Tigger and Roo.

  Brad Jones : But unfortunately, Pooh learned nothing about eavesdropping.

• Brad Jones : [about Pooh]  I might take this guy more seriously if he were in a good Winnie the Pooh costume, but Jesus! Sometimes, making your suit blink isn't a good thing.

• Brad Jones : [finishing his review of this special]  To be perfectly honest, I think the best advice they could give is for these families to move out of town, because apparently, all of its citizens want to either kidnap or touch your children. As for me, I'm gonna go lock my doors because I'm agoraphobic now! Thanks, guy in a bear suit whose name is another word for "feces"!