- Sherlock Holmes: You're not Alfredo.
- Randy: You're Sherlock, right?
- Sherlock Holmes: You are?
- Randy: Randy.
- Sherlock Holmes: Name or adjective?
- Randy: What?
- Sherlock Holmes: Short for Randall or state of sexual arousal?
- Randy: Are you asking me if I'm horny?
- Sherlock Holmes: Cars can have that effect on some men.
- Sherlock Holmes: [referring to young skateboarders filming each other performing stunts in the park] Behold, Watson, a generation lost to narcissism. A populace who believes that no experience is worth having unless it has been uploaded, and received its fair share of hits.
- [Randy comes to Sherlock Holmes' brownstone in the hope that Holmes will become his sponsor in the 12-step addiction recovery program]
- Sherlock Holmes: When I chose Alfredo to be my sponsor, I did so on a whim. I felt pressure to find one, so I chose him at random. I had very low expectations of him, and of sponsorship, in general. Didn't think I needed either. I was wrong. He has taught me how to get the very most out of the program. He did not coddle me. And so, if we choose to formalize our relationship, I will not coddle you. If you have come seeking a friend, look elsewhere. If you need a therapist, I will happily supply you with a list. I will only ever be your sponsor. I will share with you my methods, and hope that your commitment to sobriety is as great as my own. Are these terms acceptable?
- Randy: You're sober. You have been for a long time now. Of course I find the terms acceptable.