Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara, Chazz

Quotes 

• Linkara : "Marville #6", the last issue of "Marville", IS A RECAP OF THE SERIES!

• Linkara : Like I said when this first began, every issue of "Marville" is worse than the one before it. And thus, we have reached the final real issue... and it's BAAAAAD!

• Linkara : Don't turn off the video just yet, as if this is just a lazy bunch of panels and text copied and pasted from the previous five issues. Oh, no, they actually bothered to draw new artwork for the recap and have a framing device for the recap! Bad enough that we have to relive this insanity, but I can't even ignore it as if it was just an easy cash grab or something, because they actually had the INDECENCY to put EFFORT into it! It's "Marville", so it's not very much effort, but still...

• [Al is trying to pitch "Marville" to a comic editor, saying that falling asteroids are threatening the Earth] 

  Linkara : He explains that his parents sent him back in time to save his life, and the editor asks why they didn't go with him.

  Al : I think they were trying to stay true to the Superman legend.

  Linkara : One, the Superman legend did not involve time travel using PlayStation and Atari parts! Two, in the original issue, Ted Turner said that their "tragic deaths will give him a heightened sense of responsibility". THAT'S SPIDER-MAN, NOT SUPERMAN! And he can't say that he didn't know their motivations, BECAUSE HE WAS THERE WHEN TED TURNER SAID IT! The editor, however, decides to harp on the Superman thing.

  Comic Editor : What is this, a Superman re-make? It will never sell. You can't just go changing a legend. Super hero...

  [sic] 

  Comic Editor : ... origins are sacred. Ask any fan.

  Linkara : [dripping sarcasm]  AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HAAA! HAAA! FUNNY.

• Linkara : [about Al]  He says he was reliving the origin stories of Superman, Spider-Man, and Batman, and all were sillier than the last. But the editor objects to this, though for different reasons than I do.

  Comic Editor : Listen, son, you can't go around saying that comic legends are silly.

  Linkara : [as editor]  Comic books are serious business! Now, let me tell you about Arm Fall-Off Boy.

• Al : Readers should love their heroes, but not get too hung up on the stories that writers make up about them.

  Linkara : Wait, that was the point of "Marville"? Then why the hell did we spend three issues on incorrect science related to the origins of the universe and humanity? The hell does that have to do with superheroes? Also, bullcrap! Emotional investment is necessary for us to care about the outcome of a story. You can't have it both ways! It's either pretty artwork just for the sake of pretty artwork or a story where the outcome is relevant to us. Or, at the very least, you can't have ongoing continuity. Actions either have consequences or they don't! Maybe this is just his way of trying to say, "Our criticisms for 'Marville' are irrelevant, because we're not supposed to care about it.'" Which is kind of the stupid logic I expect at this point, frankly.

• Linkara : Al says that he wanted to be a hero, so he started fighting crime. The editor likes this, since "crime fighting sells", which is such a bizarre statement to make in relation to superhero comics. No kidding, crime fighting sells, when they're the dominant friggin' genre in comics and have been so for 70 years! You would think someone like Bill Jemas, who works behind the scenes of a comic company, would actually KNOW HOW EDITORS TALK!

  Al : That's what I thought, and I had my speeding bullet feeling.

  Linkara : "Speeding bullet"...? The hell? Oh, I get it! That feeling you get when someone's going to shoot you! Yes, Al, I imagine you would have that feeling.

• Comic Editor : [to Al]  I'm not tracking here. How do you separate the hero from his story?

  Linkara : Ask the creators behind "Amazons Attack"; they did a great job of separating Wonder Woman from her own damn crossover.

• Al : Wolverine had hundreds of mates; all of the children were human, and all of their children were human.

  Comic Editor : I guess that stands to reason, but it's not a popular theory among archaeologists.

  Al : Because our basic, inbred instincts are against seeing any of those Neanderthal "animals" as part of the human family, and we can't get our arms around "inter-species" mating.

  Linkara : [as Al]  Those stupid archaeologists, with their "degrees" and "actual scientific research". They know nothing! I, a comic book writer, know more than they do!

• Comic Editor : It's a miracle! I never thought I could care this little about a comic.

  Linkara : I'm beginning to think this is just the actual conversation Bill Jemas had with the other people at Marvel when he proposed this thing.

• Al : [about God]  It turns out he's down here with us on Earth. And he's not just with us; we are actually part of him.

  Comic Editor : Can you see how blank my stare is?

  Linkara : Can you see how annoyed *my* stare is?

• [Al is telling the comic book editor about his encounter with Wolverine] 

  Comic Editor : Wolverine moves merchandise!

  Linkara : And yet it didn't save the sales of this series.

• Comic Editor : The point is that books about the social problems that cause crimes are for the reference section of your college library. Comics are about fighting bad guys, not about fighting unemployment.

  Linkara : Wow! That's incredibly short-sighted and dickish, especially in light of all the highly successful comics of the last thirty years that had nothing to do with superheroes fighting crime! Asshole.

• Linkara : By the way, this is what I mean by "effort". The image on the TV? It's the same one that was in the first issue of "Marville". The artist actually gave enough of a damn to go back and make sure it was the same. How depressing is that, that "Marville" is the one that remembers stupid little continuity like that, yet a team of writers and artists on "Countdown" can't keep things consistent from one issue to the next?

• Linkara : Say, that reference I just made to "22 Brides" reminds me of my review of "22 Brides".

  [Cut to a clip of Linkara's review of "22 Brides"] 

  Linkara : This comic sucks!

  [Cut back to the present day] 

  Linkara : There was a deeper meaning I was trying to convey when I reviewed "22 Brides". Namely, that "22 Brides" sucked.

• Al : I wanted to learn the meaning of life. So I took the machine all the way back to the beginning of time. I was ready to find God.

  Linkara : Unfortunately, he brought us along for the ride.

• Al : Wolverine was the first human.

  Linkara : Still stickin' with that story, eh? You know this is a work of fiction because the editor didn't toss his ass right out at that moment.

• Al : But then I realized that good and bad aren't black and white.

  Linkara : [sarcastically]  What, not gonna bring up the time you met Alan Greenspan? Or Rush Limbaugh? OR SPIKE FRICKIN' LEE AS THE KINGPIN? Or do you just want us to forget all about your celebrity guest stars? Unfortunately, I can't forget!

• Comic Editor : The point is good guys vs. bad guys make for great comics.

  Linkara : Man, even Bill Jemas realized that people get sick and tired of heroes fighting other heroes.

• Al : Hey, I forgot to tell you about the part where asteroids clobber the Earth's surface.

  Linkara : [as Al]  Did you know that the dinosaurs died off? I sure didn't!

  [normal] 

  Linkara : Mass genocide, when you need more action for your comic book story! Why not? It worked for "Countdown"!

• Comic Editor : Okay, here's a good one: Think about why God didn't wait until after the asteroid shower before he created life and started evolution. See, then dinos never would have been killed or massacred. Did Jack tell you that?

  Linkara : [as Al]  Well, no, but then, he was kind of preoccupied. Any time he saw water, he immediately stripped down and went swimming.

  [normal] 

  Linkara : Al asks the editor if he's proposing that God is evil because he let the dinosaurs die off.

  Comic Editor : No, no, just the opposite. See, in your story, you can show God planning the whole Jurassic Park so that mankind would someday find crude oil.

  Linkara : [screaming in rage]  *PERIOD!* JURASSIC *PERIOD!* NOT "PARK"! "JURASSIC PARK" WAS A MOVIE! HOW IS EVEN THE EDITOR GETTING THIS WRONG? WHY ARE THEY STILL HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? JUST END! EEEEEND! *EEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD!*

• [Al is telling the comic editor how prehistoric wars were not about killing, but more like a sporting event] 

  Al : A few of the guys from each side would fight.

  Comic Editor : Sure. That's probably historically accurate...

  [Linkara glowers darkly at the comic book and raises his middle finger at it] 

  Al : See, the main point is that the tribes did not hate each other. They had their beefs, but they understood that they were all part of the same human family.

  Linkara : Um, no! As far as we can tell, prehistoric civilizations engaged in murderous warfare, too! It was quite common! There was no recognition of mutual family and crap! We didn't just conk each other on the heads and then sing "Kumbaya" for the rest of the night! It says on Bill Jemas' Wikipedia page that he has a bachelor's degree in history and a Juris Doctor from Harvard Law School! HE MINORED IN PHILOSOPHY AND ECONOMICS! HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH THOSE KIND OF CREDENTIALS NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THOSE SUBJECTS?

• Al : The main lesson I learned is that capturing criminals will not...

  Comic Editor : Eliminate the cause of the crime. Everybody knows that.

  Linkara : [exasperated]  Look, could you stop interrupting his pitch? The sooner he explains his stupid idea, the sooner you can tell him no and we can END THIS!

• Comic Editor : [to Al about God]  Did you find him in heaven?

  Linkara : I just realized: the editor is not questioning the fact that Al is telling the story as truth. The editor only cares about the comic aspect of it, not signalling for security to get this crazy person who claims he's from the future out of his office.