Revenge of the Sith Review (2010 Video)

Mike Stoklasa: Plinkett

Quotes 

• Plinkett : Even Ray Charles could see that coming, and he doesn't know anything about Star Wars.

• Plinkett : Tone is how a movie feels. Movies are either like comedies or dramas or action movies or thrillers, but if you wave around the tone, you don't know what it is and your brain starts to hurt. Typically you should establish what your movie is in the first ten minutes or so. Take Ghostbusters. They establish their characters: they're witty and funny, and the audience gets that this movie is going to be some kind of lighthearted comedy thing with ghosts in it. There isn't a violent rape on a pinball machine in the first ten minutes of Ghostbusters, nor is there a pie-in-the-face gag in the opening of Citizen Kane.

• Plinkett : With these fucking Star Wars prequels, I'm always forced to go back to Screenwriting 101, and a big four-letter word that comes to mind: FUCK. No, I'm just kidding. The word is CRAP. No, I'm just kidding. The word is SHIT. I'm just kidding. The word is PISS. I'm just kidding. The word is POOP. I'm just kidding. The word is GARBAGE. Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is TONE!

• Plinkett : So, what else did I like? Well, I guess I liked it when Anakin got burned. I liked it when it was over.

• Plinkett : So Anakin kneels before Monster Mash and pledges his loyalty to the graveyard smash.

• George Lucas : Jar Jar's the key to all this, if we get Jar Jar working. 'Cause he's a funnier character than we've ever had in the movies...

  Plinkett : It's good to show contempt for your audience. Just ask Michael Bay.

• Plinkett : The entire senate is filled with stupid idiots.

  [cut to a shot of the U.S. Senate] 

  Plinkett : Yeah, okay, that's true, I guess, but I was talking about THIS senate.

• Plinkett : So all that really happened in this ending is that Anakin shows that he's really a murderous crazy person that needs to be in a mental hospital. He even tries to choke pregnant Padme, the whole reason he turned to the Dark Side. If I were Obi-Wan, I definitely would not look back on Anakin with any kind of reverence or longing for the good old days. I'd be uncomfortable talking about him, actually, and filled with regret that I didn't decapitate him when I had the chance.

• Plinkett : The first film obviously had a kid. A kid that made you want to sterilize the human race.

  Kid Anakin : Yippee!

  Plinkett : It also had other kids who fucking talked. The second movie had even more kids that talked. Finally, the only kid in this film that talks dies... and all of them die. These are positive changes.

• Plinkett : And for the record, I'm gonna give this movie an honest review and "anal-sys." I'll point out anything that's good if I see it, but still, a lot of you will say I'm one of those people that says "George Lucas ruined my childhood." Now that's just crazy talk. George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood. Fucking polio did.

• Plinkett : And look, it's got nothing to do with Hayden Christiensen. He did a fine job with the material given to him. He's not a bad actor, kids. Leave him alone. Even Sir Laurence Oliver couldn't read these shitty lines.

• Plinkett : [about Darth Vader]  He was not Space Jesus! Jesus, I'm so sorry you had to be in this review. Please forgive me, Lord, I know you hated the movie and you told me.

• Plinkett : Unfortunately Natalie Portman doesn't take off her clothes at any point. In fact, now she dresses like a fucking quaker or something. Boy, I sure do miss the '80s.

• Plinkett : Anakin is even more dumberer than Nute Gunray. So the dumbest prize award goes to none other than Anakin Skywalker.

  Anakin Skywalker : I don't know what to say.

• Plinkett : Let's recap a little on the whole prequel trilogy, and how it ruined 6 years of everyone's lives. Even starving African children in Cambodia.

• Plinkett : First of all, once they rescue Palpatine, he says:

  Palpatine : Get help. You're no match for him, he's a Sith lord.

  Plinkett : Obi-Wan then turns and says something incredibly stupid.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : Chancellor Palpatine, Sith lord are our specialty.

  Plinkett : [recalls back to Anakin and Obi-Wan being defeated by Dooku in the last movie]  Oh, yeah, sure they are. His real response should've been, "wait, get help from where? From who? Who on this ship could help us? And how do you know he's a Sith lord? How do you even know what a Sith lord is?" Instead, the whole comment goes right over Obi-Wan's heads.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : [tosses blaster aside]  So uncivilized.

  Plinkett : [flashes back to Mace Windu decapitating Jango Fett]  No, decapitating people is uncivilized. And I'm also sorry that you're so stupid that you fail to see the obvious advantage of having a projectile weapon when it just saved your retarded ass.

• Plinkett : Nute Gunray is the stupidest asshole ever. This fucking idiot has been around for three films and is the dumbest person in the galaxy.

• Plinkett : Now if you'll permit me, I'd like to compare Revenge of the Sith to with what is widely considered to be one of the greatest motion pictures ever made: Citizen Kane. Is that fair? Nope.

• George Lucas : Instead of destroying the Death Star, he destroys the ships that controls the robots.

  Plinkett : That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

• Plinkett : Star Wars: Episode III is the most disappointing thing since Star Wars: Episode II. What kind of an intro is that, you ask? Well, shit, I think it's hard to be disappointed any more when your expectations are so low, they're right next to fucking dinosaur bones.

• Plinkett : "Heroes on both sides"? What? Can evil robots be called heroes?

• Plinkett : Our lead characters can't form coherent thoughts or are intelligent enough to notice basic things like this, and then we as an audience are constantly sitting there asking ourselves questions about motivation and logic the entire film, because the script is a rushed, sloppy mess that was written in a week!

  George Lucas : There you go, a first draft. An official first draft.

  [his underlings gleefully applaud while he proudly displays the script] 

• Plinkett : The brilliant script does have an excuse for this lack of logic, and it's this:

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : However, it may just turn out to be a wild Bantha chase.

  Plinkett : Oh, that's a good reason to send one guy. What if it's not a wild Bantha chase?

• Plinkett : And someone even said it was the bestest movie ever because it had lava in it. Aw, ain't he cute? His name is Johnny. I adopted him, from a grocery store parking lot.

• Bail Organa : We cannot let a thousand years of democracy disappear.

  Plinkett : Wait, hold on, is it a thousand years or a thousand generations?

  Palpatine : I will not let this Republic that has stood for a thousand years be split in two.

  Plinkett : Well, when writing my review, I originally wrote "years", then I had the sense to go back and check out what Obi-Wan said in Star Wars.

  Ben Kenobi : For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights have been the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic.

  Plinkett : Oh. Y'know, there's a big difference between a year and a generation. Maybe George Lucas should've gone back and looked at what they said before filming the fucking movie!

• Plinkett : Look into where the clones came from a little more thoroughly than not at all.

• Plinkett : Now comparing Episode III to Citizen Kane is not fair, I'll agree. Episode III isn't art, it's commercial diarrhea.

• Plinkett : No stupid ass retarded love story. Thankfully there's no terrible love story in this one. This film is filled with hate, revenge, choking, murder, betrayal, sadness, more murder, more choking, worrying, more murder, and so on. Hey, anyone still want to use the excuse that these movies are made for little children? I offer now as the time to bring that up. Lucas goes full on adult audience here, giving us the first Star Wars film that's raged PG-13. So why does this have to be so dark? I mean, did we really need THIS in a Star Wars movie?

  [Anakin draws his lightsaber on the younglings] 

• Plinkett : Obi-Wan is mad at Anakin because he killed children, also known as "younglings" so that we don't have to use the phrase "killed children" in a movie made for children. And Anakin is mad at Obi-Wan because Obi-Wan's a meanie-head.

• Plinkett : The best I can figure is that Lucas is writing the script and he gets to this part and he thinks to himself, "hmm, what should the bad man say now? Should it be a code word?"

  [as Palpatine] 

  Plinkett : Begin Operation: Hot Zone Kill.

  [as Lucas] 

  Plinkett : No, that sounds stupid. What about a number? What's, like, an evil-sounding number? Hmm, well, 666. No, that's too obvious. How about just "execute Order 6?"

  [as Palpatine] 

  Plinkett : Execute Order 6.

  [as Lucas] 

  Plinkett : No, that's too simple. It makes it sound like they don't get that many orders to begin with. What about Order 66?

  Palpatine : Execute Order 66.

  Plinkett : [as Lucas]  Okay, that works, let's move on.

• Plinkett : Ironically, the most major positives about this film are the things that are not in the film: 1. Han Solo was no ruined. Now Chewbacca was ruined for being pointlessly shoehorned into this movie, but Chewbacca was no Han Solo. Thankfully nowhere in this movie do we have to watch THAT scene. You know, where we meet a young Han Solo, who would of course look something like this,

  [shows a picture of a little boy in a Han Solo costume] 

  Plinkett : It would've been real easy for George to have a little 5-year-old kid running around that ship at the end, walk up to the two babies and have Obi-Wan or Jimmy Smits say, "young Han Solo, meet baby Luke and Leia," and have him shake their little baby hands. It'd be like Han lived on that ship, or shoehorn him in somewhere else.

  [places young Han over the scene of Anakin burning alive] 

  Plinkett : You'd think a toy of a young Han Solo would sell like hot cakes.

• Plinkett : General Grievous is a stupid dumb retarded idiot.

• Plinkett : Obi-Wan Kenobi is a stupid asshole idiot head.

• Plinkett : I think we all went to see this movie just to get it over with. It was like an obligation. Like going to your stupid daughter's college graduation. You know it's gonna suck, but you gotta go just to get it over with. Nah, fuck that metaphor. This was like going to an autopsy. You know it's dead, and nothing's going to change that. But you gotta do an autopsy to find out what killed it... or who killed it.

• Plinkett : Stop feeding us this pig slop! I'm only half pig.

• Plinkett : There are two types of people in this world: people that understand what I'm saying, and people that like the Star Wars prequels.

• Plinkett : Execute Order whaaaaat? What's the deal with Order 66? I've literally hurt my brain thinking about this one. I dunno, if it's a reference to something, please e-mail the answer to: idontgiveacrap@whocaresyoustupiddipshitasshole.net.

• Plinkett : All the scenes and all this shit is to get Anakin into the Darth Vader suit for no real reason at all. And people wonder why the prequels are bad, poorly-written films. I stand by my statement that people that like these films are either drooling idiots that just like lightsabers, or tiny babies.

  Tiny Baby : Anakin.

• Plinkett : Two: no Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon is so fucking cool that it just screams classic Star Wars. It's one of those unique and iconic space ship designs that has become a staple of pop culture. Thankfully nowhere in this film do we see the Millennium Falcon flying around and doing something stupid, like its original owner, who would probably be some kind of terrible looking, generic CGI piece of crap.

• Plinkett : The Millennium Falcon is safe. It was not raped. Where would you rape the Millennium Falcon anyway?

  [cut to a picture with an arrow pointing to the front of the ship] 

  Plinkett : Right there. I've done it.

• Plinkett : I'm gonna fuck my cat and eat my cat and I'm gonna kidnap a hooker, and it'll help me fuck the pain away.

• Plinkett : But this? This shit ain't no Rube Goldberg machine. And it ain't no fuckin' Goodfellas shot, that's for sure.

• Plinkett : Midichlorean count. Do a Midichlorean count! Get some blood from his stool.

• Plinkett : So if you were impressed by that, then you've been Punk'd... just like Demi Moore.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : Another happy landing.

  Plinkett : Another happy landing? What kind of crappy dialogue is that?

• Plinkett : This is what they call filler, and it's nowhere near as good as the kind they put in Twinkies.

  [whispers] 

  Plinkett : I like to fuck my cat.

  [cuts to a shot of him doing that] 

• Plinkett : This guy Lucas has got us all by the balls. His fingers are in our wallets. Get your finger out of my ass wallet!

• Plinkett : Trust me, I'm a doctor. Kind of.

• Plinkett : So maybe if this were the Dark Ages, maybe Padme might have died during childbirth. I'm not an expert on the subject. I'm not an expert on anything. But really, in this technological medical wonderland, how about you do a C-section with your lightsaber? Seems to be pretty accurate.

• Plinkett : But that's okay, because I don't know who General Grievous is 'cause no one told me yet! I'm gonna assume he is important because he is a general, and apparently he's got some kind of grievance with somebody. I don't know... are also aboard the ship Commander Nefarious, Captain I'm A Bad Guy and Admiral Bone To Pick?

• Plinkett : [about the attempt to make Anakin noble and sympathetic]  I'm afraid it's a little too late to backtrack THE ENTIRE LAST FILM!

  [cuts to Anakin murdering Sand People in Attack of the Clones] 

• Plinkett : Typically Padme scenes, though, are usually them sitting down somewhere and talking. The location will vary, the positions vary, but usually it's just them sitting there talking. In fact, one scene even *begins* with them already sitting down on the couch! They didn't even need to walk over to it! Hey, doesn't this lady have a job? Is her job to sit on couches all day and talk?

• Plinkett : When Anakin pours his heart out to Padme, they're sitting on a couch. When Obi-Wan tells Padme he's gotta go kill Anakin, they're sitting on a couch. When they talk about the assassination plot, they're sitting on a couch. Sitting on a couch, sitting on a couch, talking in a room, sitting at a booth in a diner, talking in "shot, reverse shot", sitting at a table, walking somewhere, walking in a room, walking and talking, standing and talking, standing and talking in a room, talking in an elevator. It's usually just two characters or sometimes three characters, and they're always talking... and sitting.

• Plinkett : And lastly, the only good thing about the film that's *in* the film is: number 66, the Emperor. While his character was essentially ruined by being in such horrible schlock and actually doing some pretty dumb stuff himself, the Emperor is just so wonderful anyways that it doesn't matter.

• Plinkett : At long last we get to the part we've been waiting for: the end of the movie.

• Plinkett : You see, the whole point of all this shit, or so I thought, was that Anakin Skywalker was supposedly a great and kind and noble Jedi Knight who was tragically seduced by the Dark Side of the Force and became Darth Vader.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the For...

  Plinkett : I JUST SAID THAT!

• Plinkett : Now, is General Grievous supposed to be funny? Cause they said he was a villain, not a comedian, like Larry Seinfeld. But rather a creepy weirdo, like Jerry Flint. I'm so confused.

• Plinkett : Paging Dr. Plinkett. Dr. Plinkett is in, I'm here. Somebody pass the Vicodin. No, wait, we need Ambien. Well, we sure need some-thien.

• Plinkett : Why is some nothing character like IG-88 way more cooler and memorable than, say, Dexter Jettster, or Gloomu Uptu, or Klagnon Moogufu?