Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Foodfight! (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Mr. Clipboard, Writer McDipshit, Jar Jar Binks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So they come across a chocolate vampire who's a mascot for chocolate cereal. Clearly this is supposed to be Cap'n Crunch.

  Count Chocool : I am the undead. Alright? The undead, y'know- you're not dead, but you're not exactly living either. It's sorta like being in summer school. Ha ha ha ha. Aw, come on, that's funny. Now that's funny. Let's not lose our senses of humor.

  Nostalgia Critic : You have to have one before you can lose it.

• Nostalgia Critic : While that's going on, a salesperson played by Christopher Lloyd comes in and...

  [seeing Mr. Clipboard] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?

• Nostalgia Critic : THIS IS A FETISH FILM! Between the innuendos, the cat lady, and the fact that every single outfit this woman wears even a dominatrix would say is too silly...

  [makes stamping motion onto the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Fetish Film"!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Dr. Nustrix has a stereotypical Jewish accent]  Are there any other groups you'd like to insult? I mean, the human race is so vast and full of variety, I'm sure you can find the blackface of every single person on the planet! In fact, why even focus on a group? Why not just show us ugliness? In any shape and form! You're good at that! Don't even give a reason. Just use it in this scene where they now physically exist in the store, again adding no continuity to how the fuck this world works, and just throw in whatever terrible, ungodly thing comes out of your head...

  [the movie then reveals that Dex and Dan are hitching a ride in a shopping cart pushed by a VERY hideous-looking woman; the Critic is terrified beyond belief] 

  Nostalgia Critic : *WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAT?*

• Nostalgia Critic : The film was supposed to be sort of the "Wreck-It Ralph" of food icons, combining copyrighted characters who are often seen in grocery aisles. It was also supposed to come out in 2002. But due to production problems, copyright issues and even someone stealing the footage... Really, somebody wants to steal this?... the film was tinkered, altered and pushed back ten years later. But thank God ten years doesn't make such a difference to such Hollywood giants like Hilary Duff, Chris Kattan, Eva Longoria, and 24/7 dodger of controversy, Charlie Sheen. I'm sure all these people will be just as big in 2012 as they were in 2002.

  [cut to a clip of the Looney Tunes cartoon "The Ducksters"] 

  Man in audience : [calling out]  YOU'LL BE SORRY!

  [cut back to the Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There's even reports that $65,000,000 went into making this stinker. $65,000,000? Well, maybe it'll be like "Waterworld" where at the very least the size and scale of this can be impressive. So, let's find out by taking a look at "Foodfight".

• [the Critic starts the movie, whose animation quality speaks for itself; it is pretty bad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : $65,000,000, folks! Clearly, the money is on the screen. By God, look at this! How can that amount of money go into something that's so shitty-looking? Was someone actually deranged enough to team up Uwe Boll and Tommy Wiseau as this film's budget accountants? The money laundering from this must be a loophole black hole!

• [Dex and Dan are hitching a ride in a shopping cart pushed by a VERY hideous-looking woman, scaring the Critic beyond all reason] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God, I get it! I totally get it now! This movie is punishment for me to repent all the terrible things I've done in my life! All right, if it will stop you from scaring the living animal Jesus out of me, I'll confess! I'LL CONFESS! I was the one who cancelled "Firefly"! I was the one who encouraged "Fred" to be an online series! I was the one who told Taco Bell to make a breakfast menu! I was the one who told John Travolta how to pronounce "Idina Menzel"! I was the one getting rid of the cartoons on Cartoon Network! JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THIS SCENE!

• Nostalgia Critic : I guess the representative of Brand X in this world is Lady X, a supposedly sexy seductress with the dead lifeless eyes of a plastic blow-up doll and a personality just as interesting to match.

• Lieutenant X : I think I just wet myself! It feels rather nice.

  Nostalgia Critic : [alternately horrified and disgusted]  Fet... ish... mo... vie.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God, his dick's talking. His dick's talking. That's it! Game over, man! Game over!

• [in the movie, the product icons and Brand X engage in total war, all poorly animated; they pour hot chocolate, poorly rendered, on the Brand X army] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. Absolutely outstanding detail. Surely they must have asked Pixar to do this breathtaking work of genius. Actually, they did. And after reading the script, not only did they send this terrible animation as a joke, but they also attached a hand-written note saying "Go fuck yourselves!", signed by John Lasseter. But the director was so lazy, he used the clip anyway.

  [the, uh, food fight continues, with the icons pelting the army with poorly-rendered pies] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And wow. Look at THIS amazingness! Surely they must have asked Dreamworks to have this incredible work done! Actually, they did! And after they read the script, they sent them this spit-in-the-face render, while also sending out a picture of Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen all mooning the camera and giving the finger! But again, the director was too lazy, so he used the clip anyway!

  [the battle continues as the icons throw fruit at the army] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And wow! Unbelievable wow! Surely such epic magnitude must have been asked to be done by Blue Sky Studios. Actually, THEY DID! And they asked if they could turn it into a horrible franchise. Don't be shocked if you see this coming soon to a theater near you.

  [shows a poster for "Ice Age Meets Rio Meets Foodfight"] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Lady X is wearing plaid gloves]  By the way, plaid gloves? Really? The design is so weird it created the illusion that her hands are on backwards. On top of that, it look likes her arm is melting into Al Borland's shirt. Is this actually a popular thing and I just never noticed?

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : To all those critics foolish enough to think they can review "Foodfight", I won't lie to you about your chances. You have my sympathies. It will not leave you the same way it found you. Its scars run deep. If there is anyone damn sane enough to try and take on this film, all I have to say is... be strong... Be brave...

  [whispers gravely] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Bewaaaaare...

• [the fight between Sunshine Goodness and Lady X is described by "The Film's Writer", who is typing this story at his computer] 

  The Film's Writer : "And then, the hot furry chick kicks the ass out of the hot dominatrix, all while the men make wicked funny jokes about her melons."

  [he snorts a giggle] 

  The Film's Writer : That's so funny! "And then, she gets turned into an ugly woman, proving once and for all that if you're an ugly woman, no good can come out of you."... Oh, and there's, uh, something having to do with Mr. Twinkie, Mr. Clean, and a bunch of other products, but who cares? It's done! It's finished! My magnum opus for the Horny-Furry-S&M-Cat Fight-Boxing Fan Fiction Forum is finally completed! All I have to do is submit it.

  [He happily clicks the send button, then he reacts in horror] 

  The Film's Writer : OH NO! I just sent it to my big shot agent in Hollywood! I'm RUINED!

  [His computer beeps, He then looks at his screen confused] 

  The Film's Writer : Why the hell do they want $65 million for it?

• Nostalgia Critic : What the hell is "Foodfight" and why does everybody want me to review it?

  Researcher #1 : Well, according to our research, "Foodfight" is one of the worst, if not *the* worst animated film of all time.

  Nostalgia Critic : Worst? Like, worst worst?

  Researcher #2 : It only came out last year, but it seems to be growing an underground following at a surprising rapid rate.

  Researcher #1 : If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as "The Room" and "Birdemic" combined. It could easily be the next big thing.

  Researcher #2 : [pressing several buttons on her phone]  Only a few online critics have reviewed it so far, which means its potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle Cow.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait a minute, so you're saying that if I jump aboard the bandwagon before it even becomes a bandwagon, I can be one of the frontrunners of the bandwagon?

  Researcher #1 : Potentially.

• Nostalgia Critic : Isn't it kind of a no-brainer that you don't give $65,000,000 to a person who would fail a Fisher Price Barnyard Animals game?

  [cut to someone testing out a Fisher Price Spin 'n' Say] 

  Spin 'n' Say voice : A kitty cat goes...

  Spin 'n' Say Toy Tester : Squeak, squeak!

  Nostalgia Critic : Give him all our money! Clearly, we are dealing with artistic genius here!

  Spin 'n' Say Toy Tester : I pooped myself!

  Nostalgia Critic : Give him an extra grand for that.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is the worst animated film I have ever seen. Hands down, no comparison. Its scars are left deep inside of me. Why did I do it? For you. I did it for you. Because I know that I have seen the worst. I know that no other form of animation will ever be worse than Foodfight. And because of that, I know for a fact that this film will forever in the history books always be seen as...

  [cut to the researchers' lab] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... PASSE?

  Researcher #1 : Yup. Since you started the review, the movie's popularity has already died out.

  Nostalgia Critic : But that was a fucking half hour ago!

  Researcher #1 : Well, that's practically five years in internet time.

  Researcher #2 : Yes, people knew it was gonna be the next popular thing to mock.

  Researcher #1 : So they decided not to mock it at all.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, so the popularity of something can fade even before it becomes popular?

  Researcher #1 : Mm-hmm. We call it the Hipster Effect.

  Researcher #2 : Knowing something is going to be ironically cool suddenly makes it traditionally cool.

  Researcher #1 : So to be ahead of the curve, they decided to not even make it ironically cool.

  Researcher #2 : Hell, even thinking about it probably cuts its lifespan in half.

  Nostalgia Critic : [depressed]  So you're telling me sitting through all this misery, the worst animated film of all time, was...?

  Researcher #1 : A complete waste of time.

  Researcher #2 : Sorry, buddy.

  Nostalgia Critic : And there's nothing I can do about it?

  Researcher #1 : Not unless you somehow want to do a review of the Attorney General of Crimea.

  Researcher #2 : She is on fire right now!

• [the film is set at Marketropolis Market] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Redundant much, redundant?

• [in the movie, Dex is battling a rat named Fat Cat Burglar] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, first of all, Disney, sue something! Second, is the movie actually so stupid that it can't tell the difference between a rat and a cat? I mean, look at that thing! It's so fucking obviously a rat! $65,000,000, and they can't even tell the difference between a rat and a cat?

• Nostalgia Critic : [returning home]  Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot, I'm not married.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Marketropolis Market being its own world]  I'm not exactly sure how this works, if the store actually transforms at night or if Marketropolis is a... state of being, but this world exists and can only be described as what your nightmares would look like if they never rendered properly.

• Nostalgia Critic : [shocked by the appearance of Dex's girlfriend, who is a human being with cat ears]  That... scariness is apparently Sunshine Goodness, played by Hilary Duff, a cat mascot for raisins created by a designer who clearly has to ask himself more questions about his sexuality. And yes, I, too, realize she looks much more like a human and practically nothing like a cat. Are cats hard to draw? Did a cat snub you at a party, so you refuse to portray them on any form of film?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Mr. Clipboard]  Okay, this went from "Submitting a stick figure to an art museum" embarrassing to "Shitting your pants in front of Pixar, claiming it's your magnum opus" embarrassing.

  [a poster for "Cars 3" is briefly displayed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Though we'll see how that turns out, but what the fuck's going on here?

• Nostalgia Critic : Back in "Sam and Max Hit the Sauce", we see Dex makes his way to Casa de Cameo, which is the hangout for big name icons like Mr. Clean, Charlie the Tuna, and the California Raisins. The funny thing is that the people who obviously said "no" to using their product icons in this movie all have really ugly, really bitter substitutes that I guess are trying to stick it back to the people who denied the use of their image.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing the movie's bad replicas of product icons]  Most of them are portrayed as either stupid, ugly, or not very helpful. It's kinda like the movie's way of saying, "Oh, yeah! You missed out, guys! You too could have been in a movie where farting is the highlight and people trip into other people's butts!" I think we know who the losers are in this deal!

• Nostalgia Critic : I know what you're thinking: "Boy, have the Ratchet & Clank games really gone downhill." But actually, it's just Dex saving a bunch of kittens from a villain that, like in most bad movies, won't connect to anything else in the plot.

• Nostalgia Critic : [hearing Lieutenant X speaking]  Oh, no, they got Tim Curry in on this, too! Why, Tim, why?

  [speaking like Curry as Lieut. X] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I was seeing if I could do anything more demeaning than saying "Ducks Rock". This is a very clear sign that I can.

  [Note: Lieut. X is actually voiced by Jeff Bennett] 

• Nostalgia Critic : I think we need a break. Here are some commercials. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF THEM!

  [goes to commercial break] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: every scene that has Dex in it has to end in a bad pun. And I know what you're thinking, "Oh, Nostalgia Critic, you say that about everything!" But no! Literally, every scene ends with a bad pun!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Dex's bad puns]  The only thing more demeaning than that is all the sexual innuendos. Oh yeah! There's a ton of those in this, too!

• Lady X : Excabites, fly!

  Nostalgia Critic : Launch out of my vag! There's enough fetish fuel in this movie for EVERYBODY!

• Nostalgia Critic : You know what just hit me? This is the movie that turned Charlie Sheen insane. I mean, really think about it. The timelines add up. He constantly had to be called back for redos, and if you had to return to this for ten fucking years in a row, wouldn't it kind of make sense that you would start talking like this?

  [a clip of an interview with Sheen about this movie is shown, in which he claims that "Foodfight" replaced his brain with "cancer pizza"] 

  Charlie Sheen : It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

  Nostalgia Critic : Good job, "Foodfight". Good job.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, the Brand X army sings their anthem to demand the product icons join their allegiance]  But Dex comes in and starts singing their triumphant song...

  [the icons all sing of their independence to the tune of "La Marseillese"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... the French national anthem.

  [the icons all sing in opposition to the Brand X army] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Gee. This scene looks familiar. In a way that unless you saw the original movie, this would make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

  [he is referring to "Casablanca"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And it's extremely unlikely that any little kid would have seen this movie so this probably makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. If you haven't guessed it yet, they're clearly paying homage to "Barb Wire". Look, I know it's Pamela Anderson's greatest performance, but it's unlikely most children have viewed its genius!

• [in the movie, Dex and Sunshine are reunited, but because of the bad animation, the latter's eyes don't move] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, did she go blind since the last time we saw her? I don't think she's looked him in the face once during this scene.

  Sunshine Goodness : I never stopped believing in you, Dex.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Sunshine]  It is Dex, right? Unless Scooby-Doo took steroids and somehow fought down his speech impediment.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the movie's sexual innuendos]  A movie like this CLEARLY needs that adult edge for the audience they're obviously going for! Like there's some grownup somewhere watching this movie with their kid saying: "Hmm. Well, I was gonna turn this off and not expose my child to such a piece of shit, but then it acknowledged I'm a pervert in a way that my kid won't understand. This movie gets me!"

• [in the film, a fox mascot worries about going bald, which hurts the feelings of Mr. Clean, who happens to be standing there just for that one scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? Mr. Clean showed up just for that one joke? He wasn't even around for the rest of the scene! And suddenly he appears when he says the word "bald". And, now he's just stuck there. Look at him! He's just standing around like, "Uh, is there anything else you wanted me to do? Was I really just a pawn in your lame-ass little punchline? I have a Ph.D. in Physics! Perhaps I can educate the young children watching about fluid or solid mechanics or... or I'll just look over here. Yeah, I'm sure I'll show up when you make another boob joke. Shouldn't take long."

• Nostalgia Critic : So the kittens are saved by McGruff the Crap Dog... For the record, I was also considering Indiana Bones... and he heads on over to, what else, his sassy black sidekick.

  [this sidekick is named Daredevil Dan, who is voiced by Wayne Brady, and his dialog shows] 

  Daredevil Dan : [a variety of clips from the film]  Chill, dog! / Who you think you talking to? / Relax, bro! / Ooh, pizza! / Now I told you, dog! / Great idea! / You my man!

  Nostalgia Critic : [low voice]  Brought to you by the leftover racism from "Transformers 2".

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That's Wayne Brady as this... frightening combination of teeth and fever dreams.

• Nostalgia Critic : Look! Here's a $65 million comedy. Perhaps you'd like to do something funny with it.