Schitt's Creek (TV Series)
Carl's Funeral (2015)
Dan Levy: David Rose
Quotes
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David Rose : [Hears the sound of a baby screaming and two people arguing. David peers out the window] Uh-oh!
Alexis Rose : What?
David Rose : Some townie douchebag is moving in next door.
[Hears the sound of glass breaking]
David Rose : LOOK OUT!
David Rose : [Sees Alexis packing her bags] Where are you going?
Alexis Rose : I'm going to stay at Ted's house.
David Rose : So, you're just going to leave me here?
Alexis Rose : Yes, I've been through enough spring breaks to know how this is going to end? And it's not going to end well.
David Rose : Hello? HELLO? Is anybody there in that hollow heart of yours?
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David Rose : Are you sure you should be cleaning that up? I don't know what that is?
Stevie Budd : I wouldn't be cleaning that up if I didn't know what it was?
David Rose : You were a bit of a mess last night.
Stevie Budd : [Short pause] Did I try to make out with you?
David Rose : No.
[Picks up a thong with a broom handle]
David Rose : Is this your thong?
Stevie Budd : No! Bree is a really classy lady. I found that wrapped around the remote control. Don't worry I threw the remote control out.
David Rose : [David finds a stash of marijuana inside a pillow case] Uh-oh! It looks like someone has a side hustle? Marijuana!
Stevie Budd : If you're asking me if I want to smoke it my answer is yes!
[David shakes the baggie]
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David Rose : [Stoned] Want to know where I got my hat bruh?
Stevie Budd : Where?
David Rose : Assholes-R-Us!
[laughing as Stevie rolls over, falls off of the bed and hits David in the back of his head with her leg]
Bree , Sean : [shouting at each other with their baby crying]
David Rose : Oh my god! OH MY GOD! We need to go! We need to go!
[David and Stevie duck into a room next to Bree and Sean's room!]
Sean : [angrily] What the ##ck?
David Rose : [Whispering] I got his hat!
[laughing]
David Rose : [Short pause! David slams Stevie up against the door and they start kissing each other. They then move towards the wall that has the light switch attached to a disco ball. David puts his arms out and drops his empty beer bottles on the floor while Stevie starts to rub her hands up and down David's waist and hips]
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David Rose : Some very scummy people moved in next door!
Stevie Budd : Are they very skaggy?
David Rose : Very skaggy!
Stevie Budd : Imagine being related to them?
David Rose : Wait? You're related to Carl?
Stevie Budd : Not related by blood but my mom's sister married Carl which makes Sean my step-cousin.
David Rose : Wow! And Sean got Bree pregnant?
Stevie Budd : Someone got Bree pregnant. I mean Bree isn't exactly fussy about introducing men to her vagina.
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David Rose : There are some very skaggy people who happened to produce a baby that hasn't been taken away from them yet. They are very scummy people
Stevie Budd : Yeah, imagine being related to them. They're my half cousins.
David Rose : Wait you're related to Carl?
Stevie Budd : Not genetically, my mother's sister was married to Carl. He died before Sean got Bree Pregnant or somebody got Bree pregnant. I mean, she's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.
David Rose : And was that a factor in his death?
Stevie Budd : I wouldn't be surprised!