- Sheldon Cooper: It's not life-threatening. Why are you getting surgery?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections...
- Penny: Back off. He's mine.
- Sheldon Cooper: If you get the surgery, the snoring is gone. If you die during surgery... the snoring is gone.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds like either way I finally get some rest.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [Playing Heads Up; the clue is Tesla] Okay, this is someone you love.
- Sheldon Cooper: I got it, it's me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: No. He's an underapreciated scientist.
- Sheldon Cooper: Still think it's me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not you. Now think. He has a car named after him.
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course there is: the Mini Cooper, because it's me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Let's try this. He's the poorman's Sheldon Cooper.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Tesla! It's Tesla.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What you get?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I ordered this before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
- Penny: It's morbid. Send it back.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these pain killers.
- Penny: Why'd you get two? "I'm with stupid."
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that one's mine.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm certainly not going to die by asteroid impact.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know who else thought that? Every cocky T.rex currently swimming around in your car tank.
- Sheldon Cooper: What if you're allergic to latex gloves?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not allergic to latex.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, what about epilepsy?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't have epilepsy.
- Sheldon Cooper: You don't, but the doctor might. One shaky scalpel and your carotid artery becomes a dancing fountain at Disneyland.
- Penny: [Noticing the teddy bear Sheldon has] It's nice you got that for Leonard.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, this isn't for Leonard. Amy bought me this.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: He stubbed his toe on the revolving door.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know those confounded things confuse me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Then why did you keep going around?
- Sheldon Cooper: There was a large plant in the lobby. I kept mistaking it for the outside.
- Sheldon Cooper: [a tremor shakes the waiting room] What was that?
- Penny: It's just a small tremor.
- Sheldon Cooper: A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
- [Power goes out]
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you can't go in there.
- Sheldon Cooper: Try and stop me.
- [Runs into glass door and falls]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you all right?
- Sheldon Cooper: Why didn't you stop me?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [Leonard is going in for surgery] It's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my own mucus powered white noise machine.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're acting odd. Why?.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm odd all the time. Everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could put in my mouth.
- Sheldon Cooper: Tell me the truth.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Twenty-eight.
- Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Fifty-six.
- Sheldon Cooper: I assume the clinic has already treated the burns on your bottom from your recent pants fire.
- Penny: Because I'm a liar, liar?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's for the fire marshall to determine.
- Raj Koothrappali: I was on the phone with my mother.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: How is she?
- Raj Koothrappali: Pretty Good. She bought the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and used it to set my father's Mercedes on fire.
- Howard Wolowitz: So, I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you're cool being the only adults there, they said they are.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you're thinking, just keep it to yourself.
- Sheldon Cooper: It was like a grapefruit.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And I'm sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.