Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara

Quotes 

• Linkara : Welcome once again to "Miller Time", which is less an actual time and more like a shattered mirror of time hastily glued back together again in the wrong shape.

• Linkara : Yes, we're having a "Miller Time" rather soon after the evisceration of "Holy Terror", a review that, according to one commenter, they stopped watching when I said we should give Al-Qaeda the benefit of the doubt. It must be really fun living in your own made-up world where I say and do things that didn't actually happen. Perhaps, in some people's eyes, I'm actually a badger that reviews late-night talk shows. However, here in the real world, I have to review another issue of "ASBAR".

• Linkara : Previously on the "All-Star Batman and Robin" reviews, insane, dangerously psychotic hobo Crazy Steve has broken into Bruce Wayne's mansion and now thinks he's Batman. He kidnaps a traumatized child named Dick Grayson, aged 12, and proceeds to cripple and violently attack criminals. In addition, Black Canary is inspired by Batman to stop being a Hooters waitress, violently attack people, ride around on a motorcycle for six months, and then potentially have sex with Batman in the rain. Also, the Justice League is apparently around and meeting in dingy abandoned factories, where Superman can be grumpy and Wonder Woman can be grumpy and Green Lantern can be ineffectual and Plastic Man can be a dick. Vicki Vale is also around, but she has no bearing on the plot; she is there for fanservice, because Frank Miller is a dirty old man. And that's pretty much all that's happened in seven issues! Oh, and I guess the Joker was responsible for the murder of Dick Grayson's parents. Because that sure is a novel concept and not just really contrived and stupid. So let's dig into "All-Star Batman and Robin #8" and see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

• Linkara : Our cover is blecch and bland! It's the Joker, with the giant tattoo of a dragon for some reason, wiping off blood on his hands with the Batman cowl. Spoilers: Crazy Steve and the Joker do not encounter one another in this comic, and Steve never takes off his cowl. Someday, I should write a book about this: "Lies This Cover Told Me".

• Linkara : We open with the Joker narrating to himself.

  Joker : Gotham City CRIES. Gotham is an UGLY city, full of SHAME far beyond REDEMPTION. She's a sad old WHORE.

  Linkara : Because with Frankie, it always invariably comes back to prostitution.

  Joker : But she's BEAUTIFUL when she CRIES. I LOVE her when she CRIES. I love her only when she cries.

  Linkara : Oh, my God, Frank Miller, just go and have sex with a building already! Even the villains are gushing about how much they love their friggin' city!

• Linkara : Hey, I know! Let's play a game called "Good Writer, Bad Writer". Good writer: Scott Snyder. In his Batman books, in particular, "Gates of Gotham" and the "Court of Owls" storyline, he talks extensively about the architecture of Gotham, the symbolic meaning behind every brick and mortar, and then creating storylines where that architecture comes into play and asking the question of who really in charge of said city. Bad writer: Frank Miller. "I love this city because of vague poetic metaphor! Purple prose, purple prose, purple prose! Because I love it! I love it! The buildings are like my penis - erect! Because I love it!"

• Linkara : So, what's the Clown Prince of Crime been up to in this comic? Why, he just finished having sex with a lady. Of course.

  Donna Gugina : [to Joker]  I was just joking that maybe you slipped something into my drink. It's really not my style, doing... well, this sort of thing. Not with somebody I just barely met.

  Linkara : [laughs]  Casual joking about date rape! Frank, I hope you get punched in the crotch by an ornery child.