Nostalgia Critic: Hey, Nintendo: The greatest family-friendly system ever. God, I remember when they used to make it look like it could make your house soar or it could blast you out of your seat or it could open up a world of imagination you never thought possible. God I adored those whimsical commercials. So go ahead, show us what's in store for this one.
Creepy Nintendo Guy: [Mario Bros. theme plays as the Nintendo logo appears. Music changes to the Koopa theme as the Creepy Nintendo Guy appears] We are Nintendo. Ultimate TV game system.
Nostalgia Critic: Who are you?
Creepy Nintendo Guy: We challenge all players.
Nostalgia Critic: You don't look friendly.
Creepy Nintendo Guy: You cannot beat us and your zapper gun...
[Duck Hunt Dog giggles as a 3D image of him appears on screen. Critic cringes]
Duck Hunt Dog: You cannot beat us.
Nostalgia Critic: Duck Hunt Dog, why are you so scary now?
Creepy Nintendo Guy: Even with your robot partner...
[Enemy from Gyromite appears]
Enemy from Gyromite: You cannot beat us.
Creepy Nintendo Guy: So one player.
[Lakitu appears]
Lakitu: You cannot beat us.
Nostalgia Critic: [Trembling voice] Can I play some Mario now?
Creepy Nintendo Guy: Discover new worlds...
[3D image of Bowser appears]
Bowser: You cannot beat us.
Nostalgia Critic: Are you stealing my soul while I watch you?
Duck Hunt Dog: You cannot beat us.
Enemy from Gyromite: You cannot beat us.
Lakitu: You cannot beat us.
Creepy Nintendo Guy, Duck Hunt Dog, Enemy from Gyromite, Lakitu, Bowser: We are Nintendo. We challenge all players. You cannot beat us.
[Mario Bros. Game Over music plays over Nintendo title screen. Critic sits on the sofa terrified. He gets up and walks quickly to the bathroom and closes the door. Critic screams and diarrhea sounds are heard from behind the door]