Phelan Porteous: Phelous

Quotes 

• Caleb : We'll work out arrangements later.

  Phelous : Arrangements? You mean like charging the cricket rent? I didn't know we could do that. Hey, black fly, fifty bucks or you're out.

• Edward : [singing]  I've kissed your smiles away.

  Phelous : "I've kissed your smiles away"? Um, Edward, I don't think that's a good thing.

• Phelous : Now here's the part that was pretty much a must for any '60s film: the trip-out scene for the parents. Maybe the kids too, I dunno.

• Phelous : No, Max Reebo, you stay away from that pink elephant.

• Phelous : [about the messenger]  Who cares, man? Worry about yourself. You clearly died a month ago.

• Cricket Crocket : 'Ello, 'ello, who you callin' a bug? I am an insect, I am.

  Phelous : Definition of 'bug': "a small insect." Idiot.

• Phelous : [about Caleb's brown wig on top of gray hair]  What the garbage is that shit? It looks like shit. Literally. Did someone shit on Caleb's head?

• Phelous : Cricket Crocket gives no fucks. He'll stand there smiling while your life falls apart.

• Cricket Crocket : The shock of that awful message, delivered the way it was, turned poor Bertha blind.

  Phelous : [flatly]  And that's why it's good luck to have a cricket on the hearth. Oh, and she never got to paint the eyes

  [of the doll she was painting] 

  Phelous : Get it?

• Phelous : Anyway, this made Caleb lose all joy in his work, but he went into overdrive on it so he could find the best doctors for his daughter - nah, just kidding. He stopped work completely, but did pay men to come in and shake their heads in unison until he ran out.

• Tackleton : Well, you won't be paid anything, but you can live on the premises, and there will be leftover food for you.

  Phelous : So crickets are good luck, huh? Well... more like they're... BAD luck. Yeah, I said it. But seriously, it really has been all down hill since they brought that damn cricket in.

• Phelous : Well, Cricket Crocket finally does try to be at least a little useful and points out a toy factory Caleb could work at. The keyword being WORK. Y'know, that thing he could've done before this and he would've had enough money to keep his own shop running.

• Caleb : [singing]  Always gay...

  Phelous : Oh stop being so homophobic, Caleb.

• Phelous : Yeah, continuity error! Take that, you stupid 1967 cartoon. You suck!

• Phelous : Poor Cricket on the Hearth. Let's see why no one likes you anymore.

• Cricket Crocket : Oh but it's a lucky household what has a cricket on their hearth. And indeed I am good luck. For if it hadn't been for Cricket Crocket here, why there wouldn't be no blinkin' family.

  Phelous : [singing]  Ego on the Hearth.

• Phelous : Y'know, I only really trust toys that are made by crickets.

  [holds up bootleg Ninja Turtles knock-off figure] 

  Phelous : I hear that's a good idea.

• Danny Thomas : [singing]  One Christmas morning...

  Phelous : No! For the love of fuck, please just play the cartoon.