- Caleb: We'll work out arrangements later.
- Phelous: Arrangements? You mean like charging the cricket rent? I didn't know we could do that. Hey, black fly, fifty bucks or you're out.
- Edward: [singing] I've kissed your smiles away.
- Phelous: "I've kissed your smiles away"? Um, Edward, I don't think that's a good thing.
- Phelous: Now here's the part that was pretty much a must for any '60s film: the trip-out scene for the parents. Maybe the kids too, I dunno.
- Cricket Crocket: 'Ello, 'ello, who you callin' a bug? I am an insect, I am.
- Phelous: Definition of 'bug': "a small insect." Idiot.
- Phelous: [about Caleb's brown wig on top of gray hair] What the garbage is that shit? It looks like shit. Literally. Did someone shit on Caleb's head?
- Phelous: Anyway, this made Caleb lose all joy in his work, but he went into overdrive on it so he could find the best doctors for his daughter - nah, just kidding. He stopped work completely, but did pay men to come in and shake their heads in unison until he ran out.
- Tackleton: Well, you won't be paid anything, but you can live on the premises, and there will be leftover food for you.
- Phelous: So crickets are good luck, huh? Well... more like they're... BAD luck. Yeah, I said it. But seriously, it really has been all down hill since they brought that damn cricket in.
- Phelous: Well, Cricket Crocket finally does try to be at least a little useful and points out a toy factory Caleb could work at. The keyword being WORK. Y'know, that thing he could've done before this and he would've had enough money to keep his own shop running.
- Cricket Crocket: Oh but it's a lucky household what has a cricket on their hearth. And indeed I am good luck. For if it hadn't been for Cricket Crocket here, why there wouldn't be no blinkin' family.
- Phelous: [singing] Ego on the Hearth.
- Danny Thomas: [singing] One Christmas morning...
- Phelous: No! For the love of fuck, please just play the cartoon.