Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Mamma Mia! (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : This is the worst thing to happen to Greece since Alexander the Great died!

• [in the movie, Donna comes across the three fathers all hiding in a room together] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now, this could be a potentially funny scene. Streep is about to see not one, not two, but three of her ex-boyfriends in front of her without any warning whatsoever. This could be something like that "3rd Rock From the Sun" episode when Don is suddenly confronted by all of his past girlfriends.

  [a clip of the "3rd Rock" episode in question is shown: Don, played by Wayne Knight, ends up meeting his past girlfriends, and does nothing but grunt in surprise and shock] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The reaction could be really funny. Hell, it could be downright hilarious.

  [cut back to "Mamma Mia"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, let's see what funny stuff they have up their sleeve.

  [when Donna sees the three fathers, she imagines them wearing rock suits and a Hawaiian suit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh-huh. Yeah. And...

  [Donna starts singing "Mamma Mia", much to the Critic's disappointment] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. Fucking amazing. That was practically gift-wrapped for you: just about any reaction there would've gotten a huge laugh, and instead, what do you go for? A song that intentionally has nothing funny in it whatsoever! Even the song doesn't really sum up how a person would react after seeing that. It's way too cheerful and upbeat! Which falls into the most tragic and worst of bad chick flick writing: be funny... but not really!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Donna starts singing "Mamma Mia" when she encounters the three dads]  Anyone that knows anything about comedy knows that it's all based on misery. There's always an element of something negative in it if you're going to get a laugh. But for whatever reason, really bad chick flicks think that women can't handle actual misery, so they always follow it up with a lot of giggling. For example, after her "upbeat" song, she falls right into the middle of all of them. This could be a really funny setup if she freaks out or tries to come up with a clever excuse. There's a lot of various options you could do to make this very humorous. But, what does she do? "Oh, it's cute! It's adorable! We don't really wanna get upset here, we're just having fun! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" How is that funny? You have all these humorous setups here, and yet, you do absolutely nothing with them. Another bad chick flick that did something similar is the Sex and the City movie.

  [s clip from "Sex and the City" plays] 

  Nostalgia Critic : They're all checking out this guy, he's really handsome, they think he's hot, but then he goes and kisses another guy. Now, that'd be funny if they looked disappointed or were bummed out, but what do they do? "Oh, that's silly! That's fun! We're strong women, so nothing upsets us! Therefore, absolutely nothing funny can happen to us either! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" We don't want to offend you, ladies, because we assume that you kind of have the mindset of toddlers. Like, if anything remotely threatening happened to you...

  [pretends to be scared] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... you'd get sad and cry and oh, no-no-no-no!

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, don't worry. No comedy here! Nothing funny whatsoever!

  [back to "Mamma Mia", in which the characters giggle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We replaced all that really upsetting funny stuff with a whole bunch of giggling, because again, we kind of see you like babies. If you see a lot of women laughing even though you don't know shit about them, maybe you'll start laughing, too. "Oh, look! They're laughing, they're laughing! Don't you also want to laugh? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, everything's so positive and upbeat here! Ha-ha-ha! Nothing bad, no reality, nothing mean at all! Ooh, it's okay! We're just gonna laugh here! It's gonna be so cute! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Because we respect you. We respect you as smart, intelligent adults.

  [beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Did you do something different to your hair? It looks nice.

  [pats his heart] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We respect you. We're the good chick flick.

• Nostalgia Critic : What the hell am I watching right now?

• [in the movie, Sam, played by Pierce Brosnan, sings "S.O.S." to Donna, but has a bad singing voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [appalled]  Oh, wow. I... a... oh, wow... yeah... uh... His singing's so bad, even Streep doesn't know how to take it in.

  [as he sings the chorus, a background chorus joins in] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [talking like Brosnan]  Oh yes, thank God. Drown me out, music! More background singers! Auto-tuning can only save me so much!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I know jukebox musicals have to incorporate their story to songs that already exist, but this isn't incorporating them, this is writing around them. This is dropping a roadblock of creativity to your nads! I mean, it's not like...

  [he realizes what he is about to say and tries not to] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't make me say it. Don't make me say it, movie. Goddamn it, don't make me say it. I-I-I-I can't... I can't fucking say it, please! Don't make me say this!

  [he finally gives in] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's not like "Moulin Rouge" where the songs actually tied in. Yeah, that's how bad we've gotten, people. You're forcing me to compliment "Moulin Rouge"! I feel so dirty! But it is true! They at least tried to tie in the songs to the story they were telling. This? This is tying it in as much as, say, a Six Flags musical stage show for your five-year-olds! It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be happy and mindless while you catch your breath from the real entertainment.

  [shows a shot of a roller coaster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Only here, THIS IS THE REAL ENTERTAINMENT!

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie has more endings than "Return of the King"!

• Rob Walker : You're really going to review "Mamma Mia"?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, so what?

  Tamara Chambers : Nobody's gonna watch a fucking review of "Mamma Mia"!

  Malcolm Ray : Yeah, the reviews that get the most hits are superheroes, fart jokes, or Nicolas Cage.

  Tamara Chambers : Yeah, and that's all in the same video.

• Nostalgia Critic : [the movie's title is all glittery]  Oh, good! This is the cinematic version of those ten-year-old stickers you get at grocery stores.

• Nostalgia Critic : The truth of the matter is, there is kind of an art to the chick flick. No, I'm not talking about the ones that are on the spectrum like "Is 'Hunger Games' a chick flick?", "Is 'Bridesmaids' a chick flick?" I'm talking about the ones that are ovaries-to-the-wall, estrogen-inducing, couldn't-be-mistaken-for-anything-else chick flicks. The same way an action film like "Harry Potter" is gender-neutral, but "Pacific Rim" is obviously a dick flick, which is like a chick flick, only the exact opposite. And that's also not to say men can't like chick flicks or women can't like dick flicks. But let's not kid ourselves, it's not boys who made the "Twilight" films a hit and it's not girls who made the "Transformers" films a hit. Hollywood is always going to market to repetitive demographics. When they find a pattern that keeps repeating, they're going to exploit the fuck out of it. But here's the thing: there's a lot of chick flicks out there that are really good. I don't care if it mostly stars women, "A League of Their Own" is fucking hilarious. I don't care if there's a lot of romance and kissing, "Princess Bride" still kicks fucking ass. As the years go on, we see more and more effort being put into what was originally thought to only be a niche market.

  [shows off a poster for "Titanic"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hell, the highest grossing film of all time for a while was a chick flick.

  [shows off a poster for "Frozen"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And you could argue the highest grossing animated film right now is a chick flick. It's clear a lot more effort is being put into them, and more and more audiences are opening up. But here's what really pisses me off: when people try to use it as an excuse; when they watch something that they know is terrible for them and is absolute shit, but they just shrug off, "It's okay, it's a chick flick." What the fuck does that matter?

  [shows off a poster for "The Hot Chick"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Calling a film a gross-out movie doesn't make Rob Schneider's work any better.

  [shows off a poster for the movie version of "Super Mario Bros."] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Calling a film a video game movie doesn't make "Super Mario Bros." any better. So why does laziness and insulting writing get a pass here? Well, I don't think it should! Case in point: "Mamma Mia"!

• Nostalgia Critic : Don't get me wrong, if you like ABBA, no problem. They've had a lot of big hits and they're very talented, but this is not the movie to showcase any of their abilities. This is an example of trying to take a sub-genre, in this case, the chick flick, and try to resort it down to a mathematical formula. Like, if you use this combination of elements, you'll end up with a demographic who'll fall for it every time. The Bruckheimer films use it, the Happy Madison films use it, and you can bet your ass this fucking film uses it.

• [in the film, Sophie's fiancee Sky decides to try and draw in people to the hotel by marketing it as well as possible] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, that makes sense, as apart from all the tons of people we see all the time, nobody would ever know where this place is. And why would they? It's obviously such a low-key, visually uninteresting paradise that I'm sure word would never spread by mouth. I mean, let's face it. Nobody ever wants to come across a fucking shithole like this one. Hell, I bet the rent here is "so cheap". Cheap enough to support a gigantic hotel that apparently nobody comes to. I'm sorry, what fucking planet are these people on again?

• Nostalgia Critic : And here's her mother, played by Meryl Streep, trying once in her life *not* to get an Oscar as her acting clearly shows always vocally imitating a drunk Wicked Witch of the West.

  [mimicking Donna] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Come on, I never drink and broom at the same time!

• Nostalgia Critic : [continuing to review "Mamma Mia"]  Jeez, that's almost as crazy as having a musical set in Greece and yet having no Greek star in it.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Donna sings "Money, Money, Money"]  Just keep in mind, people, Streep is still nine voice lessons away from her "Into The Woods" quality voice, so... just try to enjoy her awkward transition period.

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Critic points out that one of the film's chick flick cliches is the women's squeeing]  Actually, I shouldn't say "squeeing" as much as "psychotically howling like sloppily-castrated hyenas". I swear, you could play these sounds at the end of a horror trailer.

  [cut to a mock horror movie trailer] 

  Announcer : Coming this fall...

  [the squeeing from "Mamma Mia" is heard] 

  Announcer : "The Squeeing Idiot Massacre". Rated "EEEEEEEEE".

• Nostalgia Critic : Maybe I missed something, but what does being a dancing queen have to do with the Greek hotel version of Montel Williams?

• [Rob, Tamara and Malcolm all object to the Critic reviewing "Mamma Mia"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It isn't just reviewing "Mamma Mia", I'm tackling a subject matter that a lot of people don't usually address.

  Rob Walker : Yeah? And what's that?

  Nostalgia Critic : ...I'm talking about the art of the chick flick and...

  [Rob, Tamara and Malcolm become furious and groan in frustration] 

  Tamara Chambers : Are you kidding me?

  Rob Walker : What, are you fucking crazy?

  [they start to leave] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey! Get back here!

  Rob Walker : You're a fucking moron!

  Nostalgia Critic : I can buy and sell you like ABBA's dignity!

  [they pay no attention to him as they leave] 

  Malcolm Ray : He should've done another Matrix Month.

  Tamara Chambers : Yeah, some people got so mad they watched that three times.

  Rob Walker : Why do they do that?

  Tamara Chambers : I don't know.

• Nostalgia Critic : We start off by visually ripping off another chick flick... Can you guess which one?

  [shows off the opening to "Titanic"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... as we see a girl sending off three letters.

  Sophie : [reading each name on the envelopes as she drops them in the mailbox]  Sam Carmichael... Bill Anderson... Harry Bright...

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Sophie]  I just made the assumption this movie's audience can't read, so I thought I'd clarify that.

• Nostalgia Critic : Based on the Broadway show every married man over 40 was dragged to, "Mamma Mia" is a jukebox musical that, rather than have a variety of artists, giving the off-chance you might actually like one of them, instead chooses the one your mother listens to when she's drunk at her book club.

• Nostalgia Critic : So our main character is Sophie, played by Amanda Seyfried, who's about to get married, but also found her mother's diary which gave not one, not two, but three possibilities to who her mystery father may be.

  Sophie : [reading the diary]  "I'd show him the island. He's so sweet and understanding that I couldn't help it, and..."

  Sophie , Sophie's friends : [in unison]  Dot dot dot!

  Nostalgia Critic : Punctuation is so wild!

• Nostalgia Critic : They literally go from one song having nothing to do with anything IMMEDIATELY into the introduction of the NEXT song that has nothing to do with anything. No, really. It's kind of amazing how much they don't want any character in this movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Sophie's dads arrive, played by Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and Stellan Skarsgård... Am I saying that right? Do I pronounce the other little "O"?... and is ecstatic to find that she has been thrown into an adventure of "Choose Your Own DILF".

• Nostalgia Critic : Boy, I can only imagine the thousands of dollars that went into the amazing choreography they put in this film. I think they literally modeled it after all the suburban mothers dancing in their kitchens to ABBA music.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, I'm not a wedding expert or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the day before a wedding, people aren't quite so carefree and happy-go-lucky. I think it's usually more of "My mom's causing drama, none of the dresses fit, and my uncle's threatening to punch anybody who takes his flask away." But if you think this is what the day before a wedding looks like, I want what you're puffin'.

• Nostalgia Critic : I mean, what do we really know about Sophie? Nothing. What do we really know about her fiance we never see? Nothing. The three dads? That's a joke. All we know about them is that one likes everything in its place, one's more goofy and outgoing, and the other is suave and cool.

  [beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Those are the fathers from "Full House"! You're so desperate, you're doing stereotypes of TGIF stereotypes? Oh, fuck it! Just let me know when Robo Urkel comes in. Oh, wait! That'd be too threatening! Don't worry, ladies! Nothing funny, nothing funny at all! We're the good chick flick.

• [the Critic points out that one of the film's chick flick cliches is dress-up clothes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Again, kind of assuming what amuses three-year-old girls will also amuse grown-ass women. Why the fuck do they have feather boas in a hotel, anyway?

• [in the movie, ABBA member Benny Anderson is shown playing a piano on a boat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Benny]  Hm, never mind me. I'm just a man with a piano on a boat, just waiting to open up an episode of "Monty Python's Flying Circus".

• [in the movie, Donna now sings to Sam, just as he had done to her earlier] 

  Nostalgia Critic : She may have given Brosnan a look before, but now, it's clearly his turn.

  [imitating Brosnan] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ooh, yeah... I, uh... Hmm. Let's do each other a favor, fire both of our agents.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the fathers are given presumably death by snu-snu as Sophie goes to, imagine, actually have a meaningful conversation with one of them. Look out! Humanity!

• [as they sing "Money, Money, Money", Donna, Rosie and Tanya all imagine themselves on a rich boat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, lowly middle-aged housewives! They have the same fantasies of being rich and full of themselves that you do! I always said Tevye's "If I Were a Rich Man" song would be made so much more powerful if they showed him getting a massage, drinking champagne and having hot women fan all over him. It just... makes me feel for him more.