Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Demolition Man (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Devil Boner, John Spartan

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Action films have come a long way, haven't they? I mean, on top of them being continuing storylines, great visuals and interesting ideas, we've broken quite a few stereotypes as well. Today, women can be tough and developed, leading to more interesting characters, and men can be emotional and deep, also leading to more interesting characters. This is the direct opposite to the 80's and 90's, where they mainly just focused on one thing... being a MEH-YAN! RED MEAT, PUNCHING, BOOBS FOR MY DICK ON AN EXPLOSION WITH SAM ELLIOT'S MUSTACHE! MEH-YAN! We never talked about ideas or expressing our emotions! We were Meh-Yan-de-seses! And we knew who the other Meh-Yan-de-seses were! Schwarzenegger, MEH-YAN! Ford, MEH-YAN! Weaver... Yeah, okay, MEH-YAN! Van Damme? Van MEH-YAN! Seagal... oh, wait, no, he was never really cool. But Willis? MUH-MUH-MUH-MEH-YAN! We were so bloodhungry for not feeling or thinking anything that our hero for a while was an emotionless robot who did nothing but kill people! Michael Bay wishes he could be as fucked up as we were!

• [as the movie begins the camera flies over the Hollywood sign in flames as "Los Angeles, 1996" appears on screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yep. I remember when 1996 looked like that. California was on fire, crime was everywhere, celebrities were fighting each other while dressed like jackasses. Actually, what am I talking about? This was LA in 1996!

• Nostalgia Critic : My God. A future where everyone is sensitive, can't take a joke and is obsessed with the past? It's a future run by Tumblr!

• Nostalgia Critic : Just when you think Stallone couldn't plug anything else in this movie...

  Huxley : The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...

  Spartan : Stop. He was President?

  Huxley : Yes. Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment, which states that...

  Spartan : I don't wanna know.

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right, he had it made. And then he... had his maid and everything went downhill from there.

• Nostalgia Critic : But we find this future comes with a price. Anything bad for you is illegal. Smoking, high cholesterol, uneducational toys, um...

  [arrow pointing to Sandra Bullock's character's eyebrows] 

  Nostalgia Critic : eyebrows? Even swearing gets you a fine.

  [shows clips from the movie as an example] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Pfft, that's nothing. To cut down on my swearing, I put electric shocks on my balls.

  [he gets zapped and screams] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't even say balls?

  [gets zapped again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW, JESUS!

  [gets zapped again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [high pitched]  It really works.

• Nostalgia Critic : Even though Huxley likes this world fine, she does long for the days of action. As you can see, having surrounded herself in 20th century nostalgia... Puh! Loser.

• Nostalgia Critic : Wow, sexual interaction is done virtually without actually touching the person you're dating? This really is a future run by Tumblr!

• [repeated line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : MEH-YAN!

• [during a scene where Spartan and Huxley are about to have "sex"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But it's a little different in the future, as the world partakes in what I can only describe as "Virtual Boy sex." That came out much worse than I intended... as did that.

• Friendly : I'm into freedom of speech, and freedom of choice. I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese, okay? I've seen the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in gray pajamas drinking a broccoli milkshake singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Weiner."

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, are you sure this isn't a metaphor for the Internet?