- Aisha Tyler: [in "Scenes from a Hat"] "If drill sergeants did other jobs."
- Keegan-Michael Key: [shouting] All right, it's nap time!
- Ryan Stiles: [shouting] Keep your voices down! This is the library!
- Colin Mochrie: [shouting] Aah! We'll do some mime where I walk against the wind! Then, I will walk a dog that isn't there! This is me doing it!
- Keegan-Michael Key: [shouting] And why do you THINK you feel that way? Could it because of what your mother did when you were a child?
- Wayne Brady: [shouting] All right, push! Push! Push! Left, righty left, righty, push! Left, righty, bring it on down, sound off, push that baby, there's a head, bring it on down,
- [audience starts clapping to the beat]
- Wayne Brady: crowning, hoop, it's head, bringing its head in my arms, snip that cord, wrap it up,
- [mimes slapping]
- Wayne Brady: whaa, it's a baby boy!
- [audience cheers as Wayne walks off stage]
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Hats"]
- [wearing a bird mask]
- Ryan Stiles: Wanna get laid?
- Wayne Brady: [wearing a diving helmet] It's cool, baby. I'll go down.
- Colin Mochrie: [wearing a genie hat] I will grant your wish. Just rub it three times.
- Keegan-Michael Key: [wearing a graduation cap] Now I'm old enough, Mrs. Reynolds.
- Ryan Stiles: [wearing a Frosty the Snowman hat] I'm easy to make, you just roll some balls around until I get bigger.
- Wayne Brady: [wearing a wizard hat] That's right, baby. They call me "Black Magic".
- Colin Mochrie: [wearing a dinosaur mask] If you don't do me, I'll be extinct! I can't see or hear anything except the sound of my own voice!
- Keegan-Michael Key: [wearing a masquerade mask] So basically, you have two options.
- [turns his head to the side, revealing the long nose on the mask]
- Ryan Stiles: [wearing a pilot cap] On this flight, there's only ONE exit in the rear.
- Wayne Brady: [wearing a necklace of onions] It's gonna make you cry.
- Ryan Stiles: [wearing a scarecrow hat, holding arms out] I'm well hung.
- Keegan-Michael Key: [wearing a vulture hat] No- no big deal, I'm just gonna... circle around until you fall down.
- Colin Mochrie: [wearing a golf green hat] I can get in the hole under five.
- Wayne Brady: [wearing a colonial hat] The British are coming. The British are coming.
- Ryan Stiles: [holding a mask] There's nothing like a little head.
- Keegan-Michael Key: [wearing a fur hat] If you let me, I'll Putin.
- Ryan Stiles: [wearing a Dr. Seuss hat] To your life, you will add some spice, making love to me will be real nice. I'll fondle your boobs, I'll fondle your butt, afterwards, I'll call you a slut.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Whose Line", an Indiana Jones scene] Would it help if I said...
- [pulls out pre-written note]
- Ryan Stiles: well, that's just my name.
- [throws note away]
- Ryan Stiles: "Ryan"? Would it help if I said "Ryan"?
- Colin Mochrie: No, it wouldn't. Believe me, that would kill the desire right there!
- Aisha Tyler: [after "Hollywood Director"] That was so good. I enjoyed that so much, uh, that I'm not gonna give any points at all. I just feel like doing excellent work should be its own reward.
- Keegan-Michael Key: I can't buy a new car with "joy".
- Aisha Tyler: Can't buy a new car with "points", neither!