- Johnny Carson: [as the comedy segment dies a slow death] Isn't this fascinating?... Boy! I'm glad I'm here tonight.
- Johnny Carson: If a man had a trillion pennies, and he wanted half of them changed into hundred-dollar bills, he'd be standing in front of you at the bank on a Friday.
- Garry Shandling: [on reaction to his being in a relationship] There's usually a smattering of applause - much like when they caught the Night Stalker. You know, people are going, "Thank goodness he's off the streets for a while."
- Garry Shandling: [on touring the White House] There's one bowling lane, so it's pretty much, you know, hell on league nights.