Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2016)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Nazi

Quotes 

• [opening lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? You clicked on this? You know this is "Pluto Nash", right? This is, like, one of the biggest box office bombs that ever existed. I much rather you watch a video on the side scroll than put me to work through this. It's really okay, I won't mind. There's lots more interesting videos. Look, there's Cinema Snob reviewing Naked Kirk Cameron Saving Naked Michael Myers on Naked Christmas.

  Cinema Snob : The twist is, it's really Naked Kwanzaa.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wouldn't you much rather watch that?

  [sighs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay. If you're so insistent, let's go ahead and take a look at this stinker.

• [Malcolm and Tamara are about to have a day off, since the Critic doesn't want to do a review of "Pluto Nash"] 

  Tamara : Whoo-hoo!

  Malcolm : Day off, baby!

  Tamara : Yes!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, guys. They're watching the video

  Malcolm : They are?

  Tamara : But they know it's "Pluto Nash", right?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's what I told them, but they're still watching.

  Tamara : But we were gonna get drunker than... someone who watched "Pluto Nash"!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I know, but they wanna see a review of it, so get in your costumes!

  Malcolm : [glaring at camera]  Thanks a lot, dickholes.

  Tamara : [glaring at camera]  You can take your love of Eddie Murphy and shove it up your ass!

  Nostalgia Critic : Funny, most Eddie Murphy movies don't stop a drinking bender, they usually start them.

• Nostalgia Critic : Known as the most expensive yet lazy comedic bomb since Netanyahu spoke at the UN, "Pluto Nash" lacks any sort of charm, originality, and yes, even comedy, in what's supposed to be a charming, original and comedic film. This movie's put on God knows how many worst films ever lists, and in many respects, I can understand. But in others, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Hell, they didn't even put the effort into convert it to Blu-Ray, they care so little. It's so not worth the effort, I am literally phoning in this review right now.

  [the camera pulls back to reveal the Critic on a cell phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I'm not even here. I'm not wasting my time on this shit. I'm actually preparing for the next review.

  [in a dressing room, the Critic is seen holding Batman and Superman costumes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I swear this isn't a clue.

• Nostalgia Critic : After Dawson slips into her most comfortable hatching out a vagina made out of cray paper outfit... Come on, ladies, you all know you have one... both her and Pluto drink some moonshine... I'll spit on that joke later.

  [grabs the scene and throws it on the ground] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why wait?

  [spits on the scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... and he looks over his finances on plastic paper. Because, you know, plastic paper equals THE FUTURE!

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Hillary Clinton is on a dollar bill]  Okay, this is a tough one, because as of the date this review is coming out, I don't know if this is incredibly clever or incredibly dated. So, for the first time ever, I am giving you a multiple choice joke. Just come back after November 8th and choose from one of these options.

  [various alternate scenes play] 

  Nostalgia Critic : A: Well, they can obviously throw that prop in the fire. It wouldn't be the first time she felt the "Bern". B: Well, she bought the rest of Hollywood to get the Presidency. Are we really surprised by this? Or C...

  [the Critic is seen dressed as a Nazi while backed by statues of Donald Trump; he rants in mock German about keeping out Muslims and building a wall, while cartoon hammers goosestep past him to build the aforementioned wall] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [referring to a billboard in the movie for "Trump Realty"]  Again, not sure if clever or wishful thinking.

• [as Pluto and Dina pose for their images of themselves with muscular physiques, Dina's breasts and rear enlarge, to her embarrassment] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, movie, did you just forget that Rosario Dawson's body is flawless?

• Nostalgia Critic : They figure out they need to go to the far side of the moon to figure out who's behind this, which means leaving their incredibly, phenomenally bland city. Yeah, maybe ten or fifteen years prior to this, these designs would look cool, but something really weird happened when the movie "Blade Runner" came out. For whatever reason, everybody said, "Yeah, let's make every single future city in any sci-fi film look like that!" And that's what we got for years! "Super Mario Bros.", "Judge Dredd", "A.I.", "Total Recall", "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", "Cloud Atlas", "Demolition Man", they all look like the EXACT SAME TOWN!

• [Pluto Nash is duking it out with his evil twin, Rex Crater] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Eddie Murphy, every time Nash throws a punch]  This is for "Daddy Day Care"! This is for "Norbit"! This is for "Meet Dave"! And this is for defending Bill Cosby when everybody knew he was guilty! Look it up... I did that!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Rosario Dawson is in this movie]  Actually, to Dawson's credit, even when she's in bad movies, she always looks like the only one who's ever freaking trying. Everyone else acts like they can do this role in their sleep. In fact, I think Murphy is half the time.

  Pluto Nash : You know what time it is? Don't be calling me this time of night. What's wrong with you?

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Pluto]  Oh, sorry. Sometimes I sleepwalk with my eyes open. Was I talking in my sleep, too?

• Nostalgia Critic : After reading a slew of actors, thinking to yourself, "Oh, yeah! They were a thing because they were in that... thing," we see Jay Mohr doing horrible as a musician in a bar. How do we know he's doing bad? Well, because he has an accordion, of course. Apparently, we still like this nerdy cliche. Oh, what? Was the taped-up glasses, bow tie, and holding books musician not available?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Alec Baldwin makes a single brief appearance in the movie]  I don't know if they're tying to throw us for a loop, making us think he's the villain, but if you have a star for only a few seconds and then say, "Hey, maybe it's him!", it's probably not him. It's like thinking the surprise villain in a Spider-Man movie is Bruce Campbell; it's probably not gonna happen! As awesome as that would be. I've already worked on three designs; that idea is so cool. Man, that would've saved the third movie!

• Nostalgia Critic : When you hear the name "Pluto Nash", what's the first thing that comes into your head?

  [brief cut to Nash] 

  Nostalgia Critic : After that... B-movie, space adventures, goofy characters, shooting laser guns. But the strange thing about this film is, there's surprisingly not much of that. Don't get me wrong. There are some space suits and robots and such, but the story is mostly a straightforward mystery. Hell, it surprisingly kind of takes its storyline very seriously.

• Nostalgia Critic : If you're gonna be lame enough to actually tell us we're supposed to take this story seriously, how seriously can we take it if we're constantly hearing...?

  [a montage of clips from the movie is heard, showing various characters saying Pluto Nash's name; they also include a clip of Mickey Mouse calling out to Pluto; that is, his dog] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Not much.

• Nostalgia Critic : [appalled by this movie]  By God, it's amazing how not interested they are. This movie should have a menu of not-caringness.

  [he takes a menu labeled "Movie Menu"; everything he says happens in the movie:] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hmm, yes. I might want the disinterested acting with a hint of tiredness, though I've heard great things about the half-assed acting with a splash of who-gives-a-shit. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm saving myself for the dessert of disappointing conclusion. I hear they're the most popular of Eddie Murphy movies nowadays.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Bruno, Randy Quaid's character in this movie]  Okay, was he modeled after the Thermians from "Galaxy Quest"?

  [imitating Mathesar] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You will find my voice as grating as a blender on your nads!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Eddie Murphy plays both Pluto Nash and Rex Crater]  So Murphy has the most symbolic battle representing his career as he fights himself over who's going to kill him faster. Thank God they both happen to be wearing the same suit! Lucky, lucky!

• [in the movie, Pluto and Dina pose for some images of themselves with muscular physiques] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [flatly]  Yay, that was probably impressive at the time, but now it's most likely an app on your phone. THE FUTURE!

• [as Pluto meets his evil twin Rex Crater, the words "To be continued..." appear] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, they don't do that! Lord knows this movie deserves a sequel.

• Nostalgia Critic : Were the movie gods watching from afar, saying...

  [Malcolm and Tamara are seen dressed as gods] 

  Malcolm : [flatly]  Now, hear this: every future city in film are to look exactly the same.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, you're barely trying with that performance!

  Tamara : Yeah, because no one gives a shit if we try on this one!

  Nostalgia Critic : That's not true! These poor people are sitting through this review, hoping, nay, praying that something beneficial can finally be connected to "Pluto Nash"!

  Malcolm : I don't even get it. We're... movie gods?

  Tamara : Yeah, did you put any time into this joke?

  Nostalgia Critic : Probably not. It's "Pluto Nash"!

  Malcolm : Well, how come you get away with half-assing it, but we can't?

  Nostalgia Critic : You don't understand. I've sat through this buffet of blandness. I've tasted the nectar of indifference. I've suffered enough!

  Malcolm : But we can't be making things any better! For as it is told, every time the name Pluto Nash is uttered, an accountant drags himself out into the streets and shoots himself.

  Nostalgia Critic : That is complete nonsense!

  [suddenly, a gunshot is heard; he looks toward the front door to see a person lying dead on the ground outside] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And apparently, we live next door to accountants, but nevertheless, you do this with passion!

  Tamara : Fine!

  Malcolm : [flatly]  Now here this, every future city in film should look exactly the same.

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, I said with passion!

  Tamara : We are! Just with the passion of Kevin Costner.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, good enough.

  [suddenly, the video goes to a commercial break, but the bumper music starts up slowly, then dies] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OH, COME ON, EVEN THE MUSIC'S NOT TRYING? CURSE YOU, PLUTO NASH!

• [an old movie is being shown on a futuristic TV screen, but the movie freezes as a phone icon pops up, alongside the America Online logo] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, now THAT joke I know I can say is dated! Unless their new catchphrase is...

  [as email announcer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "You got hosed."

• Nostalgia Critic : Our heroes end up stealing a car so they won't be tracked. Because nobody would be looking for a stolen car! And it apparently has the A.I. of John Cleese not being funny.

• Nostalgia Critic : To Dawson's credit, even when she's in bad movies, she always looks like the only one who's ever freaking trying. Everyone else acts like they can do this role in their sleep. In fact, I think Murphy is half the time.

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie is like "Mars Needs Moms". You don't think it's gonna be good, but... you'd think you'd get something that represents the title "Mars Needs Moms"! Instead, you get something dark, angry and upsettingly boring! And here's the mascot of everything dark, angry and upsettingly boring, Alec Baldwin, as he plays a character who they think is behind everything.

• [in the film, Rosario Dawson's character has an expired moon card and asks if Pluto Nash were to overlook that] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Rosie, you said "yes" to a movie that had "moon card" in it. What's next? "Clerks II"? Only if there's a love scene with a donkey.