The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (TV Series)

Father Guido Sarducci/Siskel & Ebert/Robin Barnett (1986)

Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch] 

  [narrating] 

  Johnny Carson : That concludes nothing, tonight's episode. Join me next week, when we bring you "The Edge of Nothing"!

  [audience applauds/cheers] 

  Johnny Carson : [Johnny laughs]  Ah, nothing. Okay.

  [Ed laughs] 

  Johnny Carson : Oh well. Folks, we will recover from this, as we have on many occasions. Uh, we have with us tonight, in just a moment... Fred is calling for the paramedics now.

• Johnny Carson : [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch] 

  [narrating] 

  Johnny Carson : Yes, there she is: Sludge Falls' leading dealer- Sledge Falls' leading disease-dealer of imported cars, Poca-Honda. All of her cars come with a warranty: They're good for five miles or 50,000 years, whichever comes first. She's recently patented a method of stopping nosebleeds using an airline vacuum cleaner.

  [no audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Nothing. She'd like to lay rubber with this man...

  [camera cuts to another audience member, who's wearing a Goofy hat] 

  Johnny Carson : Okay!

  [audience applauds] 

  Johnny Carson : There he is, Sludge Falls' commercial fishman, Mr. Paul. Most women won't date Mr. Paul, because he insists on hanging them upside down on a scale and having his picture taken standing next to them.

  [audience chuckles] 

  Johnny Carson : Last night, Mr. Paul glued 900 pages to his bedroom Venetian blinds, then told the police he was being spied on by peeping Toms.

  [no audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Nothing. He liked... he'd like to wiggle a bait worm at this woman...

  [camera cuts to another audience member] 

  Johnny Carson : Yes, Sludge Falls' leading baker, Sara Lee Iacocca.

  [audience laughs] 

  Johnny Carson : All of Sara's employees are pirates. She used peg legs to punch holes in the donuts. Sara's disappointed that there are so few love songs about vermin.

  [no audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Nothing.

• Johnny Carson : [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch] 

  [narrating] 

  Johnny Carson : Rhonda McDonald, the owner of Sludge Falls' fast food restaurant. Rhonda thinks hunting would be a lot easier if wild animals ate fast food, then whenever you hear a burp, shoot.

  [mild audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Rhonda once dissected a French fry to see if it had a tongue.

  [Ed laughs] 

  Johnny Carson : She feels that every country in the world is our brother; so last night, she told her father that New Zealand had a dirty magazine under its bed.

  [no audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Nothing.