Rodney Dangerfield: Self

Quotes 

• Rodney Dangerfield : I broke up with my psychiatrist too last week. For the first time, I told him I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on, I gotta pay in advance.

• Rodney Dangerfield : The time I was lost on a beach, and a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to the cop, "You think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid - there's so many places they could hide."

• Rodney Dangerfield : Looks don't mean nothin'. Now, I got a niece - an ugly girl - she got married; she's happy - she met an ugly guy.

  Johnny Carson : Right.

  Rodney Dangerfield : And today they got two *very* ugly kids.

  Johnny Carson : Ugly kids - yes.

  Rodney Dangerfield : ...In fact, they're all so ugly, in the family album, they only keep the negatives.

• Rodney Dangerfield : The other day I was at my bank. They got signs all over there: "At this bank, you're a friend." Last month, I was two payments behind; my friend took away my car.

• Rodney Dangerfield : The first time I saw a psychiatrist, I felt like two cents. I was a kid - I said to him, "Doc, can you help me? All day long, keep thinkin' I'm ugly!" He made me lay on the couch face down!

• Rodney Dangerfield : My room was messed up; I didn't care. My brother's room was in order - his towel was lined up neatly; combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place. So what did it mean? What is he today? He's an attendant in the men's room - it didn't mean anything.