Johnny Carson: Self - Host, Art Fern

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : We live in a great country. America's the only place in the world where the richest man in the country *can't* grow up to be president.

• Carol Wayne : I'm not fond of animals.

  Johnny Carson : [noting Doris Day's love of animals]  I don't want to have a scratchout here tonight. Uh... uh - why is that?

  Carol Wayne : I don't want anything to lick me that's not gonna marry me.

• Rodney Dangerfield : Looks don't mean nothin'. Now, I got a niece - an ugly girl - she got married; she's happy - she met an ugly guy.

  Johnny Carson : Right.

  Rodney Dangerfield : And today they got two *very* ugly kids.

  Johnny Carson : Ugly kids - yes.

  Rodney Dangerfield : ...In fact, they're all so ugly, in the family album, they only keep the negatives.

• Johnny Carson : I had a cast on for a while. You know what it was made out of?

  Carol Wayne : Silly Putty.

  Johnny Carson : ...That's better than what I got! I... I was gonna say plaster of Pomona, but Silly Putty is, uh - is a lot funnier... Don't do that anymore.

• Johnny Carson : [on returning after six weeks off]  Do you believe it? We have a new president, and a new vice president; last time I left here, we - that wasn't, uh, going on... Rockefeller and Ford - you know, that's not a - that's not a bad combination, if you think of it. If - if President Ford makes any mistakes, Rockefeller can pay for them.

• Art Fern : Do you have a sex problem that needs straightening out?

  Tea Time Matinee Lady : I've never had a sex problem I couldn't straighten out.

  Art Fern : I'm hip.