- Christopher Plover: When I was writing "The Wandering Dune", I was also studying magic. I kept blowing deadlines until I found a spell for automatic writing. Now, you feed it a premise and it constructs an airtight storyline. I gather they use it in Hollywood all the time.
- Alice Quinn: That explains Netflix.
- Julia Wicker: [Walking through the aftermath of Bacchus' last orgy] Is it possible for an entire forest to do the walk of shame?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Seriously, nature is not supposed to be this... sticky.
- Margo Hanson: [after Josh has eaten the Komodo dragon's heart as part of a ritual] I told you, vulnerable is not technically endangered.
- Josh Hoberman: I think I'm going to be sick.
- Margo Hanson: Don't you dare throw up that lizard heart. We killed a vulnerable creature to save your ass. Better not be for nothing. Not to mention that is not the way I thought I'd meet Kanye. That's actually less messed up than the way I thought it would go...
- Josh Hoberman: Jesus R.R. Christ. An innocent girl is a murderer because I couldn't get to her in time.
- Margo Hanson: Oh, put your tit back in your training bra, wolf-boy. We don't really know how innocent this girl was. Sleeping with her Uber driver sounds like she had a death wish to begin with.
- Josh Hoberman: You're not helping.
- Margo Hanson: [Margo sets a glass in front of Josh] Drink.
- Josh Hoberman: Is this a potion?
- Margo Hanson: It's alcohol.
- Josh Hoberman: Good enough.
- [Drinks]
- Margo Hanson: While you were busy with your domestic issues, I managed to translate this Indonesian ritual and the good news is this is first-year Brakebills multi-culti elective crap, so we can definitely pull it off without breaking the magic bank. The only prob is finding one exotic ingredient.
- Josh Hoberman: What type of exotic are we talking about here?
- Margo Hanson: We need a living Komodo dragon so we can cut out its heart. And I heard a rumor Kanye keeps one in his New York apartment.
- Josh Hoberman: That sounds on-brand.
- Margo Hanson: Let's go.
- Josh Hoberman: Uh, wait. I have to give you something.
- [Josh hands Margo a gun]
- Josh Hoberman: It's loaded with silver bullets. The quickening has started to do weird things to me, and, well, if I wolf out, you might need to stop me.
- Margo Hanson: It's not going to come to that. I promise. Now come on, let's go steal Kanye's lizard.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [Penny is anointing Julia's back with oil as part of a ritual] I, uh, I gotta go up front...
- Julia Wicker: Are you asking if you can touch my boobs?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I am asking you if I can touch your boobs.
- Julia Wicker: You can touch my boobs. Just don't break 'em.
- Margo Hanson: [Josh is locking himself in a cage] I think you're overreacting.
- Josh Hoberman: I could have sexually assaulted you. Or ate you. I don't honestly know how things would have turned out.
- Margo Hanson: That's no reason to give up, there's got to be a solution.
- Josh Hoberman: I've got, what, a couple of hours before the quickening takes over, and I'm sorry if that makes me a wimp or whatever, but i don't want to rape or murder anybody.
- Margo Hanson: Oh come on, there are plenty of people who deserve to be kilt. I can think of a half-dozen at Brakebills alone. If you can just keep your twat together I'm sure I can get at least one of them down here. I mean Todd totally owes me.
- Josh Hoberman: He doesn't owe you his life.
- Margo Hanson: Doesn't he?
- Margo Hanson: You want to do something stupid?
- [Gets in the cage with Josh, and throws the key away]
- Margo Hanson: Fine by me.
- Josh Hoberman: What the hell are you doing?
- Margo Hanson: Something stupider.
- Josh Hoberman: [Josh has just finished frantically cleaning up after discovering the remains of a dead animal in his bed] Hey... uh... Penny 23! Look at that!
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: That sounded *real* natural. Why are you skittish as fuck?
- Josh Hoberman: Am I? That's... no.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: What's in the bag?
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, nothing.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You got blood on your face.
- Josh Hoberman: What?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Yeah, look in the mirror.
- [Grabs the trash bag as Josh turns to look]
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, no no no, that's not what it looks like!
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: It looks like a dead animal.
- Josh Hoberman: OK, maybe it *is* what it looks like.
- Josh Hoberman: Look, I just need your help. What is going on with me? With us? The quickening?
- Helen: Well, I don't really know everything...
- Josh Hoberman: You're a goddamn cryptozoology professor! What *do* you know?
- Helen: Lycanthropy is technically a curse. Transformations are tied to the lunar cycle, and behavioral changes are mostly... non-lethal. Except during the quickening.
- Josh Hoberman: Well, that sounds pretty, pretty bad!
- Helen: Oh, luckily it only happens every 30 years or so. In the 48 hours leading up, all lycanthropes experience... urges, starting in the form of nightmares or waking dreams.
- Josh Hoberman: What is the curse trying to make me do?
- Helen: Have traditional sex with an uninfected person. Or kill them.
- Josh Hoberman: Jesus Kayla Christ!
- Helen: The urges increase as the moon moves towards its aphelion, the climax as it were, in a lycanthropic high point of lupinity, or wolfness.
- Josh Hoberman: I took your class, Helen, I know what lupinity means! Why can't I just lock myself up in a cage until the quickening passes?
- Helen: Because that won't satisfy the urge. You need to have sex or kill or you'll rip your own guts out. That's how the curse is insured to spread. It's quite clever, actually.
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, yeah, real clever how I'm going to rape or murder someone in the next two days no matter what.
- Helen: If you try to suppress it, it's always possible you'll do both. Or commit suicide. Just, you know, to have all the options on the table.
- Josh Hoberman: What the hell am I going to do? What are we going to do?
- Helen: Have you considered Tinder?
- Josh Hoberman: What? No! Because I have a really, really bad S.T.D. and that sort of kills the desire to sleep with anyone, so forget... wait... did *you* do that?
- Helen: ...Yes. And it worked! That is why I am not going crazy right now. You are very charming, Josh, I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding someone to... dance with before, you know, the wolf makes a choice for you. Good luck, Josh.
- Margo Hanson: Christ on a god damn communion wafer!
- Josh Hoberman: It's like I'm caught in a real-life game of Marry, Fuck, Kill, only marry is off the table!
- Margo Hanson: What are you going to do about it?
- Josh Hoberman: I have no goddamn clue. Why do you think I'm sitting here with my head in my hands; the traditional Hoberman despair position?
- Margo Hanson: OK, then here's a plan. We're going to fix this bullshit.
- Josh Hoberman: I don't want to add to your problems, Margo.
- Margo Hanson: So because of that you're just going to sit back and just let this shit happen to you? Huh? This ain't prom night. The only thing I know for sure is you're not going to fix anything if you nutsack out on me.
- Josh Hoberman: I won't... nutsack out.
- Margo Hanson: Good. That's what I want to hear. Because we are going to find a way out of this thing. Or we're going to die trying.
- Josh Hoberman: I'm starting to see why no one's ever beaten this curse. It's like herpes - cockroach-in-a-nuclear-war-level impossible to stomp out.
- Margo Hanson: Well, I found some shit on a ritual from an Indonesian tribe. It's supposed to prevent supernatural transformations. Or maybe cause them, my Indonesian sucks.
- Josh Hoberman: [Phone dings] Uber alert. You know, these surge prices are really getting out - oh, no. Oh, no no no no no!
- Margo Hanson: OK, surge prices piss me off too, but are you all right?
- Josh Hoberman: I've always been up front about my L-positive status with any potential partners before... anything happens.
- Margo Hanson: What's that have to do with Uber?
- Josh Hoberman: Isaac wasn't.
- Margo Hanson: Oh. So how many people did Isaac do doggy style?
- Josh Hoberman: Just one. And I'm going to go warn her now. Uh huh! Yep! What a fun day!
- Enid: How do you know Isaac, again?
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, uh, he and I met at Jewish camp.
- Enid: This is kind of weird. I mean, why did he send a friend instead of calling me himself?
- Josh Hoberman: He's got, uh, laryngitis.
- Enid: So he can't text?
- Josh Hoberman: And he broke all of his fingers. Anywho, I've got to talk to you about Isaac's problem, which he's embarrassed because he came down with something and he's afraid that you might have caught it from him...
- Enid: Caught what?
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, just a... herpes-like thing...
- Enid: He gave me herpes?
- Josh Hoberman: I believe I said 'herpes-like'...
- Enid: Well what the hell is it?
- Josh Hoberman: The only way to know if you've got it is to sort of go through the symptoms and see if you've been experiencing them?
- Enid: OK. Josh-from-Jewish-camp. I'm going to discuss genital warts and discharge with you, cause we just met! Jesus Christ, fuck my life!
- [Takes a pull from a vodka bottle]
- Josh Hoberman: Look, have you maybe not been feeling yourself lately?
- Enid: Not really, and I'm beginning to wonder why I let you in in the first place.
- Josh Hoberman: Great, and have you maybe been having dreams that are weird and violent?
- Enid: Maybe.
- Josh Hoberman: Right, well, this last one might sound a leeetle crazy, but have you maybe been unable to control yourself around guys?
- Enid: Get out of my apartment!
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, wait, no no no, this wasn't me trying to freak you out.
- Enid: Get out!
- Josh Hoberman: Please, just let me help you. I just want to help.
- Enid: [crying] It's been a really hard couple of days! I've been totally freaking, like, what's wrong with me?
- Josh Hoberman: I know what you mean, and it's completely normal, and I assure you this is not your fault.
- Enid: [breaking down] That's so good to hear. I mean, how could I even do that to someone else? It's a total mess in there!
- Josh Hoberman: A mess? Where?
- [Josh opens the bedroom door to discover a dismembered corpse on the bed]
- Josh Hoberman: Jesus. Tits.
- Enid: [off camera] It's not that bad, is it?
- [a bloody hand falls off the end of the bed]
- Julia Wicker: Uh-oh, you think she's who we're looking for?
- [a woman is putting a noose over her head]
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Whoa, whoa, wait, wait! Don't!
- Shoshana: Why not?
- Julia Wicker: Because you have something to live for.
- Shoshana: I'm a maenad. The god that I'm here to serve is dead. I literally have nothing to live for. But thanks. Thanks for the less than basic understanding of my life's purpose!
- Julia Wicker: No no no, wait, don't, please, we need your help...
- Shoshana: Shoshana.
- Julia Wicker: Shoshana. We need your help, Shoshana.
- [She picks up a bottle from the ground]
- Shoshana: [Weeping, and taking her head out of the noose] Peach schnapps! Bacchus left that for the talking bears to find!
- Julia Wicker: OK, so how about a toast? Right? Bacchus would have wanted us to drink.
- Shoshana: I'd like so much, yeah.
- Julia Wicker: OK, so, to Bacchus.
- [Julia pours a shot on the ground, then drinks one herself]
- Shoshana: To Bacchus.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [sotto voce to Julia] It kind of smells like pee sangria.
- Julia Wicker: [sotto voce back to Penny] I don't give a shit, drink it.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: To Bacchus!
- [drinks]
- Julia Wicker: I was a goddess, and I gave away my power, and now I can't use magic, only I'm indestructible, so maybe you can help me understand what is going on?
- Shoshana: You were a goddess?
- Julia Wicker: [meekly] Yeah?
- Shoshana: [exasperated] If all those other maenads hadn't run through the poison wine like a bunch of bitches I wouldn't even be in this situation!
- Julia Wicker: Well, maybe if you help us then you can...
- Shoshana: [howling and wailing a magical incantation] Woo! Eeee! Yaaa!
- Julia Wicker: I'm sorry, what are you - what are you doing?
- Shoshana: I'm trying to read your aura. Wah! Wah! Woo!
- Julia Wicker: Maybe we can just get the pine cone out of my face.
- [Shoshana licks the pine cone]
- Julia Wicker: OK.
- Shoshana: That's what I thought. Inconclusive. I do know a ritual that could help diagnose you further. But it's pretty intimate.
- Julia Wicker: Umm... OK, I can live with that.
- Shoshana: Yeah, the only thing is I can't perform it.
- Julia Wicker: Um, why not?
- Shoshana: Well I don't believe in you. I can help interpret, but you need someone who believes in you. Who worships you, body and soul, to perform the ritual. Anyone come to mind?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Fine. I'll help.
- Margo Hanson: [looking fearfully out of the car for Josh] Aaah! Son of a clit!
- Josh Hoberman: The ritual didn't work!
- Margo Hanson: Oh, is that why you screamed and ran out of the car?
- Josh Hoberman: Just let me in, OK?
- Margo Hanson: Why, so you can wolf-pun me to death?
- Josh Hoberman: No, I wanted to do things, but you're safe now, OK? It passed.
- Margo Hanson: How?
- Josh Hoberman: I kind of turned a tree into a werewolf, if you know what I'm saying.
- Margo Hanson: [Putting the gun away] Oh, got it.
- Josh Hoberman: It's not a permanent solution. It's enough to keep the urges off until we get to where we're going.
- Margo Hanson: You mind telling me where that is, maple-dick?
- Josh Hoberman: Brakebills.
- Julia Wicker: As requested, the water my feet were bathed in.
- Shoshana: You know, that's pretty murky.
- Julia Wicker: OK, judgy. What's it mean?
- Shoshana: It's too early to say.
- [Studies the water]
- Shoshana: This is very interesting, though. I thought you said you didn't have any power.
- Julia Wicker: No, I don't, I can't do magic.
- Shoshana: Those aren't the same. Oof, this, this is real weird.
- [Flame erupts from the basin]
- Shoshana: Aah! You weren't bullshitting me when you said you were a goddess, were you?
- Julia Wicker: No, but how - how can I be a goddess if I don't have any power?
- Shoshana: Maybe you think you don't, but I have never seen anything like this before!
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: So we're good now? You're not gonna kill yourself?
- Shoshana: No, I can't now, I have a new deity to follow.
- [She drops to her knees and takes Julia's hand in worship]
- Julia Wicker: Oh, boy.