Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #16.34 (2018)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : I know why you're happy: no more political ads on TV.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Isn't that a...? Boy, I tell you, at the end, it was like *only* political ads, right? For weeks. I-I have never been so happy to see the Cialis couple back in their fucking bathtub.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I...

  [he snickers] 

  Himself - Host : Of course, the downside of the election being over is that the lawn signs go away. Then you can't tell which one of your neighbors is an asshole.

• Himself - Host : But the election, kind of a split decision. Democrats won the House, Russia kept the Senate.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... and we found out that the divide in this country is bigger than ever. The red rural parts came out overwhelmingly for Trump, the blue urban parts came out against him. We're really devolving into two countries, the-the tobacco chewers...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And the people who vape. That's America.

• Himself - Host : The election went well, but it wasn't everything we really hoped. It was the hard-hit ball off the wall that turns into a long single, you know? It was red wine, but from Trader Joe's.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : A new car, but a Buick. The...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : The chicken dish at a nice restaurant. A handjob. You know? Just not everything we were hoping for.

• Himself - Host : Some races are still undecided, and Republicans say it is not over until each and every vote has been suppressed, so that's...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : No, the reason why I'm not terribly optimistic is we have a new Attorney General.

  [a picture of a serious-looking Matthew Whitaker is shown] 

  Himself - Host : It's, uh... yeah, have you seen this guy? It's the guy who snapped in "Full Metal Jacket". Uh, that's...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... this-this was *after* the photographer said "smile", so...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I-I call him Curly, 'cause he's the bald stooge.

• Himself - Host : Say what you want about Trump's other big fans; at least Cesar Soyac took the time to paint on some hair.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But this guy, Matthew Whitaker, the new Attorney General, boy does he love him some Donald Trump. Everything Whitaker has said or written just amplifies Trump's unhinged narratives; he wrote an op-ed which said the Mueller investigation goes too far; he wants to indict Hillary Clinton. He's so far up Trump's ass, Hannity had to scoot over.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : It turns out before he got this job, he was involved with a company that defrauded money from... money from aspiring in-investors. He was like the-the hard guy who, you know, beat it out of them. You know, Trump lives in this opposite world. He puts criminals in charge of the Justice Department, facts are lies, he's awake when he should be asleep, he talks out of his ass, but shit comes out of his mouth.

• Himself - Host : This guy, Trump says, he doesn't know Matthew Whitaker.

  [scattered laughs] 

  Himself - Host : We know Matthew Whitaker's been to the Oval Office many times. We have a tape of Trump, on tape, just from October, saying "Whitaker's a great guy."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "I mean, I know Matthew Whitaker." Sometimes, I think Donald Trump is really a set of twins.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I-I... I do. There's Donald Trump and Ronald Trump.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And they're masquerading as the same person, but sometimes they just can't get their stories straight.

• Himself - Host : And Republicans, it... they don't care anymore. There's no such thing anymore as "how it looks". They... this election, they elected two indicted criminals and a dead pimp.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I'm not making that up. That should be the punchline.

  [pantomiming a rim shot] 

  Himself - Host : "Dead pimp!" No, that's the true part! And Duncan Hunter, from right down the road here in California, under indictment. He's been here; nice guy, criminal. Nice guy.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : His slogan was "A man with convictions."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He's... they don't care. Um... and... and then Democrats, no luck. Last thing we need, this week, Ruth Bader Ginsburg broke three ribs. She said she's gonna be okay, but that is the last time she parties with Brett Kavanaugh.

• Himself - Host : Let's end this monologue on a...

  [laughing] 

  Himself - Host : On a happy note. There was some good news. Let's not bury that completely for the Democrats. Diversity was a big winner on Tuesday.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : More women, more minorities, more gay people. And just to screw with Trump, they plan on arriving in D.C. in a caravan.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... also, two Muslim women are now in Congress.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : It'll be great for the world to see that and hear that. Two Native Americans.

  [more applause] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... Deb Haaland from New Mexico, and my favorite, Kansas. Fucking Kansas. Sharice Davids, a lesbian mixed martial arts fighter.

  [laughter and cheers] 

  Himself - Host : Let's see Trump call her "Pocahontas".

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: the next time you hear someone say "You may be cursed to live in interesting times", punch them in the face. Because after two years of Trump chaos, that line isn't cute anymore. In fact, you have my blessing, as your political rabbi...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...to take the rest of the year off from following politics.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : But... not 'till next week, because we have one more show.

• Himself - Host : 2018 has been a year, I think, in which we all asked ourselves "How could something seem so endless, and yet also go by so fast?" It's like if Quentin Tarantino made "Gone With the Wind", and you're watching it on an airplane, and the airplane is crashing into a mountain.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Of cocaine.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump is the Santa Claus of chaos, and every night is Christmas Eve. He's somehow everywhere in the world, only he's not bringing you anything, he's breaking the shit you already have.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, that's him on the roof. Now he's coming down the chimney and eating your cookies. Now he's kissing mommy and grabbing her pussy.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He's the gift that never stops taking. Each morning, you confront the news, with the same thought Stormy Daniels said she had when Trump sat down next to her on the bed: "Ugh."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Here we go." By the way, Michael Cohen paid Stormy to go away, but Stormy did not go away; she stuck to Trump all year, like toilet paper on a shoe.

• Himself - Host : Every day, it seems like it's the same thing. You open your news feed...

  [he facepalms] 

  Himself - Host : Facepalm. In fact, I think as long as Trump is president, the facepalm should replace the handshake, as a way for two people who greet each other to acknowledge "Yes, everything is a shit show, and no, there's nothing new to say about it. Hey, Bob, how you doing?"

  [facepalm] 

  Himself - Host : [to Sarah]  Hi, Sarah.

  [another facepalm; playing along, Sarah facepalms in return] 

• Himself - Host : Now, all year long, and going back to before the election, I have been calling the Trump phenomenon a slow-moving coup. Well, this week, it started moving a little faster. Matthew Whitaker; this is what I'm talking about. In third-world dictatorships, the chief law enforcement officer's main qualification is he doesn't enforce the law. Officials of independent mind are hounded out, or shoved aside. This isn't a Cabinet anymore, it's the Queen's Corgis.

  [scattered laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Whitaker wants to shut down the Russian investigation, despite the fact that in March, against the advice of everyone, Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning his election. And also our election.

  [more scattered laughs, which turns into applause] 

  Himself - Host : He then... he then met Putin in July, and that meeting? Secret. His deal with Kim Jong-Un? Secret. His taxes? Secret. What is happening to America? We know less about our government than what goes into jerky.

• Himself - Host : In mid-2017, I first read you my dictator checklist. But since this week is the week we now have added "install your personal protector as head of the Justice Department", after adding in September "install your personal protector on the highest court", let's review the dictator list one more time.

  [as he talks, pictures are shown to illustrate his points] 

  Himself - Host : You're a narcissist who likes to see his name and face on buildings. You appoint family members to positions of power. You hold rallies even when you're not running, and they are scary. You talk about jailing the press and political opponents. You want to hold military parades, and muse openly about being president for life. You use your office for personal financial gain. You *love* other dictators. You lie so freely, your supporters don't know what the truth is anymore and don't care. For a coup to work, it is first necessary for truth itself to be destroyed, as well as the people who try to report it, so the dictator is free to say anything and his followers believe it. Adding to that dictator checklist, we now have state TV in this country, an actual propaganda channel where the "reporters" openly endorse the leader, and we have people who oversee the elections they are running in. In August of this year, Trump's semi-liquid Mob mouthpiece...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...Gooey Giuliani, said "Truth isn't truth." Ah. This has been "Deep Thoughts" with Nosferatu.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Truth isn't truth? So, truth isn't truth, the press is the enemy of the people, there are "alternative facts", there's "no proof of anything", what you see and hear isn't what's happening. And you know, at some point, people go "You know what? Fine. Fuck it. Truth isn't truth, facts aren't facts, what I see isn't happening, nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about. Strawberry Fields forever."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Please pass the joint. Or some crack, because I can still reason and it hurts."