Judith-4 Reviews

Columbo: A Trace of Murder (1997) Season 10, Episode 11

Terrible

[28 December 2002]

This was the worst episode of Columbo ever. I'm not sure which was worse, the writing or the acting. It seemed like Columbo, yet it was boring and juvenile. It was quite weird to watch, actually. I love the Columbo show, but this didn't seem like one of them.

Murder 101 (1991 TV Movie)

Breaks its own rules

[4 June 2002]

This movie has a professor teaching students how to write a good mystery story, yet it doesn't play fair with its audience. SPOILER MAYBE. When I first saw this movie, I could tell halfway through that it wasn't playing fair, so I was able to figure out who the killer was, someone you not only wouldn't suspect but someone you shouldn't have suspected. Someone gets murdered in the movie, but it doesn't accomplish the killer's purpose, whereas killing someone else would have. There are also implausible incidents where the killer has opportunity or when they don't really have time to show up when they do. Also, the professor behaves stupidly when first confronted with his dilemma. Finding a body does not automatically make you the prime suspect. All in all, a badly written plot and the characters are not interesting enough to make up for it.

The Heist (1989 TV Movie)

Puh-lease

[7 April 2002]

Leave it to Pierce Brosnan to be in the worst movie HBO ever made. The network's movies have received numerous award nominations, but The Heist is totally light-weight. Brosnan wears scuzzy clothes and has no charm in this movie. His character pursues a woman who abandoned him when he was arrested and returned all the letters he sent her from jail. When he sees her again, she makes it clear she's not interested, but he still thinks she loves him. Later, she vacillates between Brosnan and Tom Skerritt, just to see who will end up on top. The sex scene isn't even sexy because all you can see is an isolated shot of a man's butt, indicating it's not even Brosnan but a double.

Remington Steele (1982–1987)

Ill-fated romance

[14 March 2002]

"Remington Steele" was a good mystery show, but it was also a show about two people who were totally wrong for each other. Laura and Steele had nothing in common. Even on the rare occasions when Laura acted like Steele, they were not in sync. Laura claimed to want a commitment from him, yet always found some excuse not to be with him. She expected too much from him and he didn't expect enough from her. Steele was a kind, loving, intelligent man who deserved love and sex from a woman. Instead, he put up with someone who was confused, afraid, selfish and unreasonable. The characters themselves often wondered why they were together. I do, too.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Preposterous plot

[1 February 2002]

Having read the plot of the new Bond movie, I realized that the plots of most of them are preposterous. In this movie, Elliot Carver starts a war in order to get ratings. That makes about as much sense as Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, orchestrating the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon so he could overtake CNN.

Miss Congeniality (2000)

If you like pageants...

[8 November 2001]

I love the Miss America Pageant and the pageant in this movie was very much like it. The Miss America people have said for years, "It's not a beauty pageant, it's a scholarship program." Miss Rhode Island is asked a question in the movie and she gives a funny answer. On a TV special, a judge actually said that a contestant gave that answer, so even that was true to life. For a comedy, this movie was quite realistic in its portrayal of a pageant. The whole cast was delightful and the story was funny and suspenseful. I really enjoyed this movie.

The Wonderful World of Disney: Life-Size (2000) Season 3, Episode 8

Adorable

[15 January 2001]

I've always loved Tyra Banks as a model and I loved her even more in this movie. She was adorable when she first came to life from being a doll and she showed some real emotions later when she learned what it was like to be human. The scene at the end of the football made me cry along with the characters. I know the plot has been done before, but I guess I'm a sucker for them. I also like "My Stepmother is an Alien" and the recent one on PAX where Kathy Ireland played Santa's daughter. I hope that Tyra Banks does more acting because she is very appealing.

The World Is Not Enough (1999)

Bond Moving When Not Moving

[15 January 2001]

I thought that Bond actually showed some feelings in this movie, when he wasn't running around and blowing up things. I really enjoyed the scenes where he was in bed with Elektra and talking to her so tenderly. He also seemed very upset when he learned some things about her and in their last encounter. In the last scene, by the way, Bond said, "Call him off, I won't ask again" but then he did ask again, twice. I liked this movie better than TND because there were slow scenes. In TND, even in the non-action scenes, Bond was in a moving car or a noisy airport or a noisy party. There was still too much water and fire in this movie, though. I don't really think people look good wet. I also thought the action scenes at the bomb factory and the caviar factory looked alike--dark places with machinery. I don't think that Renard was a good Bond villain. Most of them are gleefully maniacal, but Renard was positively depressed. I've read that Denise Richards was very bad, but frankly I found it hard to tell, since she didn't have more than two lines in any scene. She was definitely too young looking to play a nuclear scientist, but I don't think she was terrible in the role. I think it was strange that Dr. Christmas Jones told Bond right away not to make jokes about her name. Why did the writers give her such an unusual name if they didn't want other characters making jokes about it? I thought it was odd that when the title song was sung, they left out the line "There's no point in living if you can't feel alive." I thought it was clever that they put that line in the song, since it's part of the plot. I know they used a stunt man in this movie, but I saw his face twice, which sort of hurts the illusion that it's Bond. All in all, I liked this movie a lot.

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

What's to Love?

[2 March 2000]

How could Catherine love Thomas Crown? On the island, she says, "Do you think there's really happily ever after for people like us?" What does she mean "us"? She wasn't a person like him until she met him. She wasn't a thief, she wasn't unprincipled. In one scene, he wants her to be jealous to make sure she's not just after the painting. What about him? How did she know he wasn't romancing her just to keep her from turning him in? And how could her trust her? If she didn't turn him in, she was cheating on the company she worked for, not to mention letting him break the law. He also tells her that if they go away with the painting, they'll be fugitives with means? Why do that when he could be a billionaire with his freedom? I just don't understand how Catherine could fall for someone who doesn't even make sense. And why didn't she say, "If YOU love ME, return the painting", instead of letting him corrupt her? In one scene, Catherine says to him, "Do you really think I'm going to sleep with a man I'm investigating?" As it turned out, the answer was, "Yes, and I'm going to corrupt you and break you heart, too." Catherine started out as a self-assured, intelligent woman and then totally fell apart. Crown started out as a manipulative creep and stayed that way. I will never understand what is appealing about these characters or this love story.

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

Everything?

[4 November 1999]

"How do you get the man who has everything?" Thomas Crown doesn't know what everything is. He has tons of money and all he can do for fun is steal things? Donald Trump bought himself a modeling agency and a beauty pageant. Ted Turner has a baseball team, TV shows and he gave a billion dollars to the U.N. And he married Jane Fonda. I had no sympathy for Mr. Crown. As for Catherine Banning, she is at first disgustingly sexual, then turns into a weepy, jealous wimp. And why did she have to be topless on the beach? Crown didn't even notice. He's known her for less than a week and already the sight of her breasts bores him? Maybe some audience members enjoyed that scene. And what kind of woman accepts an expensive necklace from a man she hardly knows, let alone one she's trying to expose as a thief? All I can say is, those two characters deserved each other.

Once Upon a Crime... (1992)

Funny and clever

[8 October 1999]

I love this movie. I'm very good at spotting the flaws in a plot and this one had none. As a mystery, it works very well and makes sense. It is also very funny. Richard Lewis and Sean Young are quite goofy but I enjoyed them. I also loved the way George Hamilton says, "It's what I do." The locations are very beautiful, especially outside the Monte Carlo casino at night.

Octopussy (1983)

the song

[7 September 1999]

I love the song from this movie "All Time High". Maybe it's so good because it didn't have to have the name of the movie in it. It's just a love song, whereas, "Goldfinger" is about the man of that name, which isn't very romantic. I don't know what the song "Goldeneye" is about, considering that Goldeneye is a satellite. I don't know why they couldn't have written a song with Octopussy in the title, since she was a beautiful woman, but it's just as well. And "All Time High" must be considered good because I've heard it playing in the supermarket. I always stop to listen to it.

Hercules (1997)

A great villain

[13 June 1999]

I don't usually like villains, even in Disney movies, because they're too scary, but I loved James Woods as Hades. He was so funny. I loved the way he called Megara "my little nutmeg." I also loved the way they depicted Thebes like New York and they called it "the big olive." I loved Meg's cynical and sarcastic attitude. Hercules himself was rather bland. I loved the song "Go the Distance." Paul Wylie skated to it and showed how powerful the song is. I really enjoyed this movie and I don't care if it departs from Greek mythology. It was really about our time anyway. I'd watch it again in a Pelopenisian minute.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Love Affair?

[30 November 1998]

Tomorrow Never Dies is too busy. Aside from all the action scenes, even the talking scenes are noisy. Bond is briefed by M and Miss Moneypenny in a moving car, he meets Q at the airport, Carver's party is noisy, Bond talks to Wade in an airplane. One of the quietest scenes is when The Doctor explains to Bond how he's going to kill him. (That really was funny.) Basically, there was too much action and not enough talk. And count me in for not understanding the title.

Pierce Brosnan and Teri Hatcher made it seem as if their characters relationship was somehow more meaningful than the average Bond romance, but I didn't see it. Bond meets a woman whom he supposedly cared about but he broke her heart and now he's going to kill her husband. Yet does he feel guilty about what he did? Is she worried that Bond will break her heart again? No,all they can think about is having sex. Even if Paris had lived, if she wanted Bond back, she'd have to get in line. Brosnan's Bond alone left Caroline (the girl sent to evaluate him), Natalya, the Danish professor and apparently, Wai Lin.

Sheryl Crow's song says, "Martinis, girls, and guns/ It's murder on our love affair." But James Bond doesn't have love affairs. To him, women serve two purposes 1)sex and 2)to help him save the world. Bond is like a knight; he slays the dragon and he saves the fair maiden. After that, it's on to the next dragon and maiden. In Goldeneye, Natalya asks Bond if he cares about her. Of course he does, until the next movie when he'll have forgotten all about you.

On another note, I found it totally unbelievable that Carver's computer expert realized that Bond's banker dossier was fake. During WWII, British intelligence cracked the German codes, arrested every German agent that landed in England and turned them, invented a network of bogus agents and sent spies all over Europe. These people can fake a dossier.

I can see why the James Bond films appeal more to men than to women. Even as a lover, he doesn't do much. In the sex scenes with Paris, they weren't even in bed together. If you like meaningless action scenes, and I did like the motorcyle sequence, Tomorrow Never Dies is a good movie. (I didn't like the car sequence and that wasn't even Pierce Brosnan's thumb). Otherwise, it left something to be desired.

GoldenEye (1995)

Who is Bond?

[24 November 1998]

As Bond films go, I liked GoldenEye but I wish that the character of James Bond had half as much personality as Remington Steele. Take away Bond's martinis and his flip remarks and he could be anybody. I think the reason there is so much debate over who the best Bond actor is, is that the actor IS Bond.

Oddly enough, everyone in GoldenEye was psychoanalyzing Bond: M, Valentin, Alec, Natalya. But Bond didn't have an answer for any of them, except to tell Natalya, "It's what keeps me alive." She then says, "No, it's what keeps you alone." Bond, of course, is never alone, he's simply between women. If he weren't, he wouldn't have been free to sleep with Natalya. I thought M's remarks were particularly disturbing. "You're a sexist, misogynistic, dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War." If that's true, then why did we make this movie? If Bond is passe, then all those people out there in the theater have wasted their money.

I thought Joe Don Baker was very funny and I liked the way Bond interacted with him. I didn't like the villain, Alec Treyelyan. I'm not sure what his problem was but I think he was just jealous that 007 got all the movies instead of 006. Xenia Onatopp, or as I call her, Miss Nutcracker Legs, was strange and interesting, although she reminded me of a demented monkey when she tried to kill someone.

I think Pierce Brosnan made a fine James Bond. At least he looked good and he didn't act like a jerk, which I can't say about his other movies.