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A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
Pass The Kleenex, Kiddies
I do not cry at movies.
Even when I do, it's insignificant. I sniffled at Edward Scissorhands, I wiped one away during The Truman Show, and so on.
I wept at A.I.
There's an emotional level, as this movie enters the second half, that's simply palatable. Never in my entire life have I ever felt so much for a character. David is the purest, simplest, most direct and pathos-driving 'hero' I've ever dealt with, and frankly, it was almost too much. It's been 45 minutes and my eyes still hurt, and thinking about it makes me want to cry more.
Maybe I'm emtional, maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe I'm reading more into this than I should, and maybe I'm drawing personal comparisons and such that I wasn't intended to. Damn me if I am. So far as I can see, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
Promise lost, fair maiden, is forever lost.
You can do a lot with a license, and this is a license like no other. So how come the movie is such a pile? It's not horrendous, no...the sets are lavish, some of the writing is good, but there's not much more to laud. Irons is hammier than I've seen him, Wayans can't break his Ghetto Trash routines, and just about everyone else is simply not trying hard enough. Credit must be given to Whalin and Payne for doing their jobs very well, but beyond that, there isn't anything to appreciate. Pat plotpoints, silly acting, and an ending that belongs in a children's piece add up to something that should be avoided. Or at least MST3K'd.
Blue Seed (1994)
If you like this sort of thing, you'll love this
I must always say, when dealing with anime, that it's an acquired taste. Not everyone enjoys it; some folks down right despise it. But if you enjoy it, well, this is a high quality piece of action/sci-fi. The american dub is pretty horrendous at spots, and it's a touch gory, but if you can haul through 26 episodes (and that doesn't count the movies), you'll have experienced quite a story line. It'd be a cardinal sin to spoil it here. ;) Oh, and hang on at the end of each tape for the Omake Theatre. A series what spoofs itself...amazin' stuff!
The Haunting (1999)
The Boiling Point
It's been said that at some point in Hollywood history, special effects will outweigh all other elements of a movie, and we will swallow it whole. Hey, guess what? It's this movie! /The Haunting/ is horrific, oh, sure. In all the wrong ways. The writing's bad, the acting's bad, the special effects are only marginal. I will say now, and I will forever be prosecuted for this, but Lili Taylor is PATHETIC. She tromps through this movie like some extra in a slasher flick. The other two insomniacs are just weirdos...not even Liam Neeson can carry this trashy dialogue. Plot elements pop up out of nowhere through Neeson's stories to his 'subjects', and one is simply expected to piece them together. But even after the movie is over, not everything makes sense, and there isn't any way it will. But worse of all, the movie lets plot take a backseat to effects in a way not seen EVER, even in a world of /Wild, Wild, West/ and /Armageddon/. Lots of long, drawn out graphic effects lead to the little plot revelations, then to more effects. Some are so predictable that one sits in the theatre, waiting for them to do something 'special' (The Judgement Door or the spikes over Nel's bed, for instance). It's kind of like a third grader's short story--jumpy, uneven, and downright incoherent. And if you're looking to be scared, go home. /The Haunting/ has less scares than my last round of student loan paperwork. Sure, the intensity builds up a little here and there, and maybe my adrenaline kicked into gear once. But that's all. What comprises the 'horror' factor here are a couple of pop-up effects, meant to jump you, teamed with lots of graphic effects that, apparently, are scary to someone. The six year olds I was sitting near didn't even flinch. All in all, shaft this flick. It modifies the original novel enough to almost be a new movie, and uses special effects as not just a crutch, but a glorified wheelchair, trying to keep a poorly done movie from falling over on its respective butt. Hey, it failed! Save your cash, rent the 1963 legend or read the book, and go see /The Blair Witch Project/.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
The definition of twisted
This is quite possibly the SICKEST, most PERVERSE, easily the most screwed-up brain fart in the HISTORY of movie making! I loved it! South Park is all about making fun of the world as we know it, and having a damn fine time doing it! Imagine...Terrance & Phillip, kidnapped! *gasp!* Kyle's mom on a wicked rampage to destroy Canada! *swoon* Wendy hanging with another guy! *alarm!* Cartman unable to cuss! *blink!* All hell's broken loose in South Park, fans, and get ready for a raunchier than EVER ride through Hell, Space, and Canada! Woooo! Just make sure of one thing--bring an ironclad constitution, and leave the kids waaaaaaaaay back at home, cuz this film doesn't stop getting sick until the last body drops!
The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue (1998)
Never in my life...
Never in my entire existence have I been so entirely disappointed in one single streak. Honestly. My heart falls when I think that an entire generation is likely to remember THIS travesty as the only NIHM movie.
This is little more than a piece of Direct-to-Video drivel, moulded right from the formula that Disney has, as of late, ironed out and pushed down our throats. Maybe I'm jaded, but I still cannot accept this as a NIHM movie.
I was a child when Bluth unveiled the original Secret Of NIHM, over a decade ago now; re-releases, video versions, and all the rest have never dulled the fantasy and wonder of it. This 'sequel', as it sees fit to call itself, has none of that life. The plot is weak, formulamatic; the voice acting is merely marginal; music is used where unnecessary, simply because it can be (The Great Disney Fallacy, in action again); the story of the original is scattered like so much debris...but that's not the worst.
The worst is that there is no wonder here. No grand adventure, no superheroes and magic and characters that make you want to dream with them. None whatsoever.
If this is the new trend of children's movies, my kids are going to watch an awful lot of ratty, worn-out, videos.
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
Trip The Light Fantastic
This is, of all the Nightmares, my fav. Yeah, I know, folks are going to disagree with me up and down, but hear me out. This movie has the be-all and end-all best writing of the entire series; Freddy's come from just a grunting dead dude with a bladed glove to a real psychopath, spouting cute lines and sporting a real personality. I didn't mind the whole 'revelations' bit, either. Was kinda pleasant, I thought, to finally know where the mad man I'd watched for the last 10 hours came from. Yeah, the acting is inconsistent, and there's a heavy reliance on special effects. But they're fitting, if you think about it. The opening sequence with John Doe is mind-blasting, with Freddy going all out after this kid. Really all star stuff. I strongly recommend you scope this out...and stop here, cuz The New Nightmare bites big.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Sad, Strong, Unsteady
Edward is a rare kind of movie. But then, it's been said that Tim Burton is a rare kind of director, and I'm happy to say it's the truth. From the glaring pastels and stripes of Suburbia to the dark, melancholy grounds of The Master's castle, we get to see a story of contrasts and comparisons, a look at the human in the monster and the monster in all of us. There's a serious moral here. And that, in the end, is a problem I have with this movie--it's very heavy-handed and allegorical. As the movie concludes, the viewer is smacked by hatred and coincidences that turn the world against the 'monster' that is Edward; you watch as even with all the love in the world, things simply don't always work out. The closing is possibly one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen a lot. Johnny Depp pulls in a startling performance as Ed, and there's cameos by the Master Of The Macabre, the late Vincent Price. Not a bad flick, no, but nothing I long to see repeatedly.
The Secret of NIMH (1982)
Words Fail Me...
I can't think of anything to describe this movie...every adjective I know simply falls flat on its proverbial face. Immaculate animation, lovely voice acting, a well conceived plot and special effects that work excellently but don't drown out the movie at large...they simply don't make them like this anymore. It's a bare-naked shame that the sequel can't feature the original Mrs. Brisby, or won't have half the quality of this piece. If I had to yank anything, I'd pull Jeremy; Dom DeLouise pulls out a fine comedic performance, but in this intense fantasy piece, it comes off as mere comic relief and almost unnecessary. And a note to parents: this movie isn't as orientated towards small children as the animation standard would lead you to believe; it's a very complex plot, and much of it might simply fly over a youngster's head. But you can't let your child grow up and never see this tape; that's a travesty. And since it's recently been re-released on VHS, now's as good a time as any.