Big Jon-2 Reviews

Danger: Diabolik (1968)

The swansong of MST3K

[3 August 1999]

This one is perfect as the final MST3K to be produced. It's even funnier with Mike and the robots bagging on it. It is like a bad version of those In Like Flynt films. That is saying a lot. Watch the MST3K version and you'll save yourself from brain damage.

The Mod Squad (1999)

The Warriors of the 90's.

[8 July 1999]

One sure way to enjoy this flick is to treat it like the wonderfully awful Warriors from the 70's. Get some friends together and give it the MST3K treatment. It's downright hilarious.

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

Excellent!

[8 July 1999]

I can even believe that comment about Star Wars being original (wake up idiot, Star Wars is a remake of a Kurasowa Samurai flick. MAAN may not even be original (The idea of mistaken identity romantic comedy goes back to Greek theater), but it sure is fun to watch. Probably just a bit too complex for those of the Star Wars lemming mentality.

The Warriors (1979)

Pure unintentional comedy.

[2 July 1999]

The thing that makes this movie so fun is that it is so bad that it is good. This is the movie that MST3K shouldv'e gotten a hold of because the quips come fast and natural. Why is this movie so funny?

1. The Warriors are fully racially integrated. Even more so, (at least) one of the Warriors appears to be of an alternate lifestyle.

2. One of the gangs looks like mimes. Another dresses in pinstiped baseball uniforms and also features face paint. (Oooh, mimes, now I'm scared).

3. Nobody has any common sense in this whole film. Not once does a warrior suggest a simple answer to their dilemma such as stealing a car to get home. Nor do they call back to Coney Island and warn their gang brothers of the situation or call to request assistance.

4. The Orphans, a minor gang, seem to consist of people who would be better served in a circus sideshow.

5. One of the gangs wears rollerskates. Bet that makes it darned hard to fight.

6. Ajax is the biggest idiot. All he can think about is getting some while being persued by thousands of gang members who want the Warriors dead.

7. If the Orphans are so far beneath the notice of other gangs, how come one of the Warriors can go as far to report their strength of manpower? This gang is over 50 miles from Warriors territory. The chances of rumbling with them is non-existant.

Watch this one with your cynical friends and have a ball giving it the Mistie treatment.

A Simple Plan (1998)

Superb

[30 June 1999]

An excellent movie that few have seen. I only have two real complaints, one plotwise and the other technical. I don't really buy the sheriff not checking the supposed FBI agents credentials and the other was when Sam switched to full blown Raimi on the shotgun blast (which slightly degraded from the film). Other than that, it was a really good little film.

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)

Chop-sucky

[21 June 1999]

Let's face it. We all watch the first three movies in this series because it's fun to watch oafish Daniel-san get the tar kicked out him repeatedly until the last scene. One thing of interest is the fact that although Kreese and Terry Silver were supposedly both trained in Cobra Kai Karate, their fighting styles are nothing alike. Kreese's maneuvers seem to concentrate on straight line punches and Silver's seems primarily focused on circular kicks. At least by the time we get to #4, we've actually managed to get somebody that doesn't look spastic while fighting.

Final Justice (1984)

It just got immortalized.

[21 June 1999]

The crew on MST3K just hit this one hard. It's complete viewership just increased by a factor of 20.

Inhumanoid (1996 TV Movie)

Terrible!

[2/10 · 18 June 1999]

Being a fan of Greico on 21 Jump Street and If Looks Could Kill I found this direct-to-video on the shelf at the local video store. Greico is some sort of malfunctioning killer android in it. Not too much else to report on it other than it violates one of the big rules of movies with a scene where Greico puts a young girl in a trash compactor. Pass on this video stinker and watch something far more entertaining - like a test pattern.

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

It was even worse in 3-D

[11 June 1999]

I can remember seeing this one back in '83 at the movie theater when it was released in migraine producing 3-D. Little Ms. Ringworm looks positivily feral and Mike Ironside looks totally goofy. It was an embarrassment for all involved. Surely they had to know that this was an el stinko bomb while they were making it.

Screamers (1995)

This is definitely a direct to video.

[2/10 · 28 May 1999]

I am still amused and confused why this stinker ever made it to the theater. The poor plot and nonexistent story made this one of the worst movie going experiences that you could waste money seeing. It has all the look and acting of a really poor direct to video feature.

Maniac Cop (1988)

Here is a better plot premise

[28 May 1999]

Maniac Cop could have been a really effective and tragic monster if he had only been out to kill the bad guys and the corrupt cops that got him sent to prison. When he starts killing innocent people he loses all sympathy for his plight and degenerates to a knock off of Jason Vorhees.

The Dungeonmaster (1984)

Proof you can't collage together a movie.

[24 May 1999]

Actually this move has nothing to do with Dungeons and Dragons contrary to the other misguided comment. The thing that makes this movie interesting in a curious sort of way is that each of the small vignettes was independently directed. Nevertheless it is pretty uniformly bad.

The Bad Pack (1997)

An old A-Team script revised?

[5/10 · 21 May 1999]

Albeit not a horrible film, it wasn't a good film either. A plethora of stereotypes (The cool leader, the insane guy, the ice-cold assassin chick, the happy-go-lucky guy, the introspective muscleman, the computer geek) are paraded out and put through a typical A-Team adventure involving some really badly acted white supremist survivalists who are terrorizing a Tex-Mex boarder town. This is the type of screenplay one knocks out during a slow television night.

Virtuosity (1995)

Crowe makes this movie.

[2 February 1999]

It's one of the few movies I've seen where you're rooting for the bad guy to win. Denzel Washington comes off flat as a pancake here while Russell Crowe steals every scene he's in. Altogether a fun and mindless bit of escapism. You could certainly do worse.

Leprechaun 3 (1995 Video)

Better than 1 and 2, but that's not really saying much.

[7/10 · 4 January 1999]

This one is far campier than the first two movies and this makes for a more enjoyable film. One of the few movie series to actually improve with time. This one is so funny, I have a hard time categorizing it as a horror movie, but beware this still isn't something to show your young children.

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

An interesting twist on the old formula.

[4 January 1999]

You can't help but feel a tingle of deja vu while watching the color remake of Night of the Living Dead. It is essential for full enjoyment to have seen the original since the remake takes the same story and twists and tweaks it to bring it into the 90's. People are divided into two camps on this film. They either absolutely hate it or they have been enraptured by the change-up's that it pitches at you. I am of the later camp. At least Barbara (played by the beautiful Patricia Tallman) has enough of her wits about her to point out how irrational everybody else is being instead of being the catatonic victim like the first time around. "They're so slow. We can just walk right by them." She remarks to Ben (Tony Todd) who is adamant about staying in the house. Perhaps this version isn't socially relevant like the first, but it's nice to see that Romero can add a twist ending that can stand on it's own merits, but really is amusing in light of the former movie.

Evil Toons (1992)

Is this a bad horror flick or a porno film?

[3 January 1999]

Most surprising about Evil Toons is the casting of adult film actresses Madison (credited as Madison Stone) and Barbara Dare (credited as Stacey Nix). David Carradine completely embarrasses himself as a weird guy, but it's nice to see the girls running around in various stages of undress.

Drive (1997)

How American martial arts films should be.

[10/10 · 2 January 1999]

The producers of Jean-Cluck Van Damme should sit up and take notice. This is the best American martial arts film I have ever seen. Why this didn't come out at the theaters is a mystery. It is better than any Van Damme or Seagal film ever produced. I almost passed this one over at the video store, but I'm glad I didn't. Sure it's cheesy, but it's supposed to be. Sure it's over the top, but again, it's supposed to be.

Sudden Death (1995)

The best Van Damme film, which isn't saying much.

[6/10 · 2 January 1999]

Better than all the other Van Damme films, this movie is basically a Die Hard knock off in a hockey rink. A simple movie that is fun if you ignore logic and reasoning. At least the material doesn't try to be anything more than a fast paced action flick. Worth seeing once.

Tomcat: Dangerous Desires (1993)

Interesting idea, poorly executed.

[4/10 · 2 January 1999]

The idea of splicing the cat's genetic material with Grieco is an interesting idea (similar to Cronenberg's Fly remake), but it just isn't carried off real well here. What could've been a nice little exploration into the psyche of a human who is picking up the traits of a cat, is instead just boring.

Body Parts (1991)

The worst third act in the history of schlock cinema.

[2/10 · 2 January 1999]

Where does evil lay? This is the question posed by psychologist Jeff Fahey after he receives a limb transplant from a convict that they have vivisected to replace his own missing arm. The arm starts to have a mind of it's own. He meets two other limb recipients from the same guy (one got the other arms and the other got both legs). Then somebody whacks the other two guys, severing the donated limbs. At this point, I'm thinking, hey neat movie, somebody we have never seen before will show up and tell Fahey that he's going to kill him and take the arm (I'm figuring the limb collection to basically just be metaphoric). When Fahey asks who they heck this guy is, he rips open his shirt, showing the telltale scars of a heart transplant. Where does evil lay? Evil lays in the heart. I'm on top of the world, mentally congratulating the writer for being so darned clever. Boy, was I sorely mistaken. Some guy showed-up alright, in a neck brace. It seems the doctor that did the amputations couldn't resist sewing the convict donors head on another body. This doofus is running around collecting limbs I guess because he wants to have them sewn on his new body. The scene where this chump is carrying three of the severed limbs out of a burning car is ludicrous. I couldn't stop laughing. The bar fight scene looks like it belongs in one of the Bionic Showdown movies as the limbs seem to impart some sort of super-fighting techniques to their new owners. This movie would only be fit for fodder for MST3K.

Nightbreed (1990)

Was there an actual story here?

[3/10 · 2 January 1999]

Poorly scripted, poorly paced, poorly acted. The make-up was impressive, but the movie itself will leave you saying - huh? It's just another movie where you're sure the writer and director had an idea what they were doing, but didn't manage to convey it well to the audience. Kind of like neat idea, but should you write a script instead of just improving the dialog.