2001Rulz Reviews

Being John Malkovich (1999)

If this is "brilliant," then my home videos are ingenious.

[25 June 2000]

Okay, I'm probably going to get a lot of hate mail after people read this review, but I thought Being John Malkovich was an awful movie. And if not awful, then certainly overrated. The only reason I rented this movie (thank God I didn't waste $6.50 on it at the theater) was because all of my friends/relatives were saying what a great movie it was. And it didn't sound that bad at first---the plot outline actually sounded pretty interesting. And not to say that the acting wasn't good, either, but for some reaosn, I just did NOT like this film. AT ALL. First of all, if you think this movie is "funny" or "hilarious," then your sense of humor is way way beyond mine. I thought the idea of the 7th-and-a-half floor was humorous, a few of the little jokes at the beginning were okay, but after that, I didn't laugh at all. Considering this is supposed to be mostly a comedy, it makes the movie very boring.

Second, the movie is just too weird and unbelieveable for me. And the weird thing is, I love cult films and strange movies. I have no problem with bizarre supernatural powers in movies and actually like that kind of thing. Being John Malkovich....I don't know, you just don't get it. Okay, when the building with the portal was built, how did the portal get there? I am still trying to figure out this part. The Lester guy showed us pictures of the office building with the portal inside of it being built---where does the opening to John Malkovich come into being? How does it work? It's just too radical for me to accept and it's probably one of the reasons I didn't like the movie. Another part that had me wondering was when Lottie was chasing Maxine with the gun and they went from the locker room to the bus.....oh, never mind, I'm just getting more confused. It was not brilliant, it was weird. There's a difference.

Third, the whole plot, when you really boil down to it, is about a perverted puppteer (Craig) who wants to have sex with his coworker. That's it. And the rest is just the scenarios and problems he encounters while trying to get that sex. And, no offense to lesbians/gays, but the whole thing with Lottie and Maxine in love was just sick. I'm fine with movies about homosexuality (Boys Don't Cry, And The Band Played On, etc.) but it just didn't fly for me in John Malkovich.

The saving grace of this film was the acting. John Cusak, Cameron Diaz(!), John Malkovich, etc. all did great at their parts. You have to give the movie credit for one thing.

Well, I'm sorry, but there you have it. I can't say that I enjoyed Being John Malkovich. Some movies are so bizarre, their brilliant; John Malkovich is so bizarre, it's stupid. And BORING.

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

How could you NOT like this movie?! :-P

[25 June 2000]

WHERE HAS THIS MOVIE BEEN HIDING ALL OF MY LIFE?! I just saw it for the first time a few days ago and cried myself to death laughing! This nails the 70's/80's rock world cliches right on and spoofs them in such a brilliant and hilarious way that your sides will be splitting from laughing so hard! The Spinal Tap members are so stupid that they're ingenious! Of course, you have be sort of "in the know" about glam rock and 70's/80's music to understand many of the jokes, but usually, most of them are so funny that you'll still find them amusing by themselves. It's impossible to choose a favorite part of this movie because all the scenes are so great! From Derek's shell that wouldn't open to the amp that went to 11 to the spontaneously combustable drummers, This Is Spinal Tap will have you rolling on the laughing the whole way through! Do yourself a HUGE favor and see This Is Spinal Tap!....and buy the tape, and the t-shirts, and the soundtrack, and the poster............

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it an 11!....hehe :-)

Tank Girl (1995)

Could have been better, but not the worst.....

[20 June 2000]

Okay, okay, I'll admit it---the ONLY reason I rented this movie at all was because my favorite band sung on the soundtrack (which, by the way, is awesome). I had no idea what the movie was about, although I did know that Lori Petty and Malcolm McDowell were in it. i also knew that it wasn't exactly a masterpiece of a film, either, so I went home, started watching, and just tried to have a little fun and enjoy myself.

And, for a while, I did. The introduction was cool, the characters were funny, and it was actually interesting to watch. Lori Petty totally rocked as Tank Girl---although I heard that Tank Girl's character in the comic book was a lot more intense. Her sidekick, Jet Girl, was just as awesome. They should have had a lot more scenes with Malcolm McDowell, though, especially between him and Tank Girl. Those were some of the best parts. You can't help but love all the campy humor.

But sometime after Tank and Jet hook up with the Rippers, or whatever theyr'e called, the movie just seems to go downhill. Take out the Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark-style truck sequence with Tank, and the entire middle is pretty boring. The Rippers--I mean, okay, they're half men, half kangaroos. Why not at least get mutated into something useful, like, half man, half shark or bear or cheetah or something? Ice-T was just plain annoying, as was Tank Girl's kangaroo man boyfriend, Booga. The beatnik poetry thing was cool, but the dancing thing and everything else were so stupid they weren't even funny.

The ending makes up for it a bit. Even the Rippers had some funny moments ("Count Chocula--he's the guy on the laundry detergent box, right?"). Tank Girl eventually saves the world in the end, Jet Girl gets revenge on her "boyfriend" from Water and Power, and the world has water again. Yay! Like I said, though, they should have had more scenes of McDowell and the bad guys. It's great to watch him ham it up as the evil villain (as always).

So, if you're looking for senseless fun and recklessness with no point or reason, watch Tank Girl. It may not be Lawrence of Arabia or Gone With the Wind, but it's a lot better than SOME of the movies I've seen. Oh, yeah, and don't pay over $1.50 to rent it.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

It Should Have Won Best Picture

[14 August 1999]

I don't see why I even bother adding my comment on this film, there's already, like, 780, or something, but let me just say that Saving Private Ryan should have definately without-a-doubt won best picture of 1998. I mean, who else besides 20-something women REALLY thought Shakespeare was worthy of Best Picture? Come on, people, Saving Private Ryan was the best film in years. I was so sad when seeing the ending of this movie that I was crying. The beginning grabbed you by the heart and wouldn't let you go! I have never seen a war movie better than this. The people saying that all of that violence wasn't necessary had better realize that Saving Private Ryan was only a fraction of how bloody and awful REAL war can be. Speilberg did an excellent job directing this movie, and I felt very sorry that he did not win best picture after all that work. Tom Hanks did an excellent job at his part, and, although the acting was not exactly top-notch, no one in this movie did a bad job at all. Saving Private Ryan is one of my favorite movies, and was ripped off when it came to the Oscars. I don't know how people can hate this movie, say it was bad, or tell me that it was boring. I would watch Saving Private Ryan again any day. Go see this movie!!!!!!!!!

**** stars out of ****

-2001Rulz

Spartacus (1960)

A Triumphant Tragedy

[14 August 1999]

Everyone did an excellent job in Spartacus. Kirk Douglas, Laurence Olivier, Peter Ustinov, Stanley Kubrick---this is one of those movies where everybody is great doing their part. Spartacus has all the elements of a great Hollywood "epic," and, thanks to a fine cast and fine filming, that's exactly what it is. This movie really gets you--you think that Spartacus is going to defeat the Romans, free the slaves--and he comes so close, yet just doesn't make it! I also thought that the ending was very sad, typical of Kubrick. You can really get into this film because you just keep wanting to find out what's going to happen next. Spartacus does an excellent job of showing the cruelty of life and slavery. Be sure to see it, if you can!!

-2001Rulz

The Killing (1956)

Suspenseful

[14 August 1999]

The Killing is a great movie. Not only is the acting good and the characters well-developed, but the storyline is excellent and the shots and filiming are superb. Elisha Cook, Jr. makes the perfect George Peatty, and Marie Windsor, who plays his wife Sherry, pulls off a great performance. The Killing is an original movie with an original ending, and I would recommend it to just about anyone. Even if you don't like crime mysteries or Kubrick movies, you'll still find The Killing very entertaining!!

-2001Rulz

Killer's Kiss (1955)

Good Early Effort by Kubrick

[10/10 · 14 August 1999]

I think that Stanley Kubrick could have made Killer's Kiss a lot better, but, of course, back in 1955, he was not well-known at all so he had to work with what he had. Besides, he only had $75,000 to make this film, and I think that Kubrick did a good job in this early effort. You can tell that this is a Kubrick movie because of his cinematography and his camera angles, but, unlike most of his other films, he didn't exactly choose the best actors. I'm not saying they were terrible, but they could have been better. Killers Kiss is very well shot and has some excellent scenes, especially the chase involving Davy, the thugs, and the old manequin factory. The premise and story of the movie are good, but the ending is just your typical happy ending, very un-Kubrick-like. I wish that he would have come up with a better, more original and satisfying ending. But for one of his early films, Kubrick did a good job directing Killer's Kiss. If you can get your hands on a copy of this movie, be sure to get it, because you can't find it in many Blockbusters or in the TV guide that much. Any fan of crime movies, film-noir, or Kubrick movies will like this one.

-2001Rulz

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Cracked Me Up

[12 August 1999]

I know absolutely nothing about the Cold War or anything else that was going on back in the 60's, but in Dr. Strangelove, I just kept watching the darn thing anyway!! I love this movie because they don't jump out right at you with the humor and jokes, but you still find yourself laughing. Everyone in this movie was awesome, and Peter Sellers (what a great job in Lolita!) as Dr. Strangelove was the coolest--and funniest. Slim Pickens' "bomb ride" was also hilarious. I guess you really have to have a "different" sort of sense of humor to really understand the jokes in this movie and find them really funny, but I would recommend it to anyone who loves war movies, comedies, and 60's-type history. I'm not just saying all of this stuff because I like Stanley Kubrick, it's just that he really knows how to make a riot out of a deadly situation. They need to make more movies like this. 3 out of 4 stars for the great Dr. Strangelove.

-2001Rulz

Lolita (1962)

Don't Be So Hard On "Lolita!"

[12 August 1999]

Okay, I admit that Lolita isn't exactly Kubrick's BEST, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good movie. I liked it alot and found it very entertaining. The young Sue Lyon as Lolita gave an excellent performance for someone her age. Shelley Winters, being the annoying mother and wife, certainly did her acting right--when people say they wanna smack her, you know she's playing her character well! This movie is funny and depressing at the same time. I haven't read either Vladimir Nobokov's novel OR screenplay, so I couldn't tell you if Lolita is better or worse than they are, but keep in mind that these were the early 60's, so, um, not all scenes could be expressed in, uh, full "detail." Anyway, I would definitely recommend Lolita as a great film. It may not be 2001 or Paths of Glory, but compared to the crap that comes out today, it's a masterpiece.

*** out of **** for Lolita

-2001Rulz

Paths of Glory (1957)

THE BEST!

[12 August 1999]

I thought Paths of Glory was gonna be SO boring once I started watching it, but I soon found myself engrossed in the movie. This is an excellent film, and wonderfully done for 1957. I really did not expect Paths of Glory to be as good as I thought it would be. Kirk Douglas is wonderful in his role, as are all the other actors. ;-) It's hard to believe that this was a box-office failure when it was first released. Paths of Glory isn't just a film for fans of war movies, if you like drama and suspense, you should really see this one. I thought it was really depressing and sad, but any movie that can provoke somone's emotions is excellent. This is pure genius!! STANLEY KUBRICK ROCKS!!!!!!

**** out of **** for Paths of Glory

-2001Rulz

The Sixth Sense (1999)

ABSOLUTELY THE BEST!!!!!!!

[7 August 1999]

After seeing all the crappy "scary" movies that I've seen in my life, I was very reluctant to go out and see yet another "thriller." But little did I know that The Sixth Sense is one of THE best (and scariest!!) movies that I have ever seen, if not THE best. The acting was superb, the plot was frightening and original, and all the great plot twists made the movie excellent. This movie makes the Haunting look like crap. The Sixth Sense has no sex, very little violence and cussing, and manages to give you the scare of your life without special effects, blood and gore, and cheap thrills. But if you are one of those druggees who only thinks that slasher+sex movies like Scream are scary, this movie is too complicated for you little brains to handle.

So, I ORDER you to go out and see this movie!! Believe me, you WILL NOT regret it. At all. Have fun!!

"The Sixth Sense"---- rating~********** (out of 10)

-2001Rulz

Queen Christina (1933)

One of the Great Classics

[10 July 1999]

Queen Christina is an extremely good movie for 1933. Greta Garbo gives an excellent performance as the Swedish Queen, who has been ruling the country since she was a tiny child. Unlike many sick-minded people think, Christina is not bisexual, she is merely breaking the age-old stereotype of women always wearing dresses. The Queen does, however, dress in men's clothing while leaving the palace--I don't really think anyone would like to ride a horse with one of those dresses on. While she is out hunting, she meets the Spanish Ambassador Antonio and then purposely goes to the nearest inn and buys the last available room, thus leaving Antonio with no place to stay. Christina and Antonio fall in love never-the-less, but when Antonio finds out that Christina is really the Queen of Sweden, they both know that their little romance is in danger. Queen Christina knows that she can not marry someone of foreign blood unless they are a king. Will she really give up the throne to be with the man she loves?

Be sure to see this movie if you can. A very fine picture with a very fine cast. ****

-2001Rulz

Blade Runner (1982)

I LOVE THIS MOVIE

[27 June 1999]

Hands down, this is THE best sci-fi/adventure movie EVER to be made. (I had to add the "adventure" part to that little genre because 2001 is the best "pure" sci-fi--note my user name) Blade Runner is MUCH better than Star Wars, better than the Terminator, better than Independence Day or Armageddon or the Matrix, it's SUCH an awesome movie!!!! I have to admit, the only reason I became interested in this movie was because I knew it had something to do with Harrison Ford, but I ended up liking everything about this movie and going out and buying the book by Philip Dick. The set designs in this movie will just blow you away!! I could not believe this was actually made in 1982. What's more, the original novel was actually written in 1968, WAY ahead of its time. I know I'm just rambling on and on about this movie, but, PLEASE see this movie if you haven't, because if you don't see this movie, you're missing out on a lot. Trust me. Oh, and don't give all the credit to Harrison Ford, either. Rutger Hauer is probably the best in this movie performance-wise. And, we HAVE to give half of the credit to Vangelis' CREEPY music score!! Awesome!! Ridley Scott did a brilliant job of directing this movie. I like this SOOOOOO much better than all the Star Wars movies combined. So, if you ever feel like a good sci-fi/adventure movie, go rent Blade Runner!!!!!

P.S.-Oh, and if you enjoyed this movie, be sure to read the original novel, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K. Dick. The book isn't really like the film, but I thought the actual novel was better.

-2001Rulz :-)

Citizen Kane (1941)

A Great Movie, But Not THE Greatest......

[27 June 1999]

I just saw Citizen Kane and thought it was an excellent movie. Not only was it good for 1941, the fact that Orson Welles wrote, directed, produced, and starred in it at the age of 25 was even more surprising. This is actually a very depressing movie, especially the Rosebud thing at the end. Another thing that makes this movie so true (well, besides the fact it was based on the life of a true human being, William Randolph Hurst) was that Charlie Kane was such a human character. He was someone who was very nice, intelligent, and caring, yet on the other hand, he was also selfish, rude, and a spoiled brat. The way that Welles is able to use the camera and lighting in this movie is excellent. Although this is a very good film, I just don't think that it's worthy of the title "The greatest American film of all time." But, I really shouldn't say that, because, um, I have to admit I can't think of a film that IS worthy of that title! I think everyone should see this film, and just enjoy a good story about good characters, and forget about special effects for once. If all movies had a story as good as this, the Hollywood industry would be a lot better. See this movie if you can!!!!

-2001Rulz :-)

Back to the Future Part III (1990)

Great Movie

[20 June 1999]

BTTF3 is a good closing of the trilogy. Although I have to say it's probably the weakest of the three, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. All the actors portray their characters with the usual greatness, and I especially love the climax of the movie where Doc and Clara get stuck on the train. I also thought the "Jules & Verne" thing was really cute.....ooops, I better not give away all of the secrets to the movie! Although BTTF is really sci-fi, Western fans can enjoy this one, too. All-in-all, a great way to end an excellent trilogy. You have to see BTTF3.

-2001Rulz

P.S.-Although I love all the BTTF movies, I really hope they don't make a BTTF4. I mean, what could they possibly make it about? I think it would be a major waste of time and money, and it would be one heck of a job getting the original actors to come back. And I'm sure the almost-40-year-old Michael J. Fox is willing to play a teenager again......Just keep things the way they are now. BTTF4 would lack original material and wouldn't appeal to the rather dumb majority of teens today. Nowadays, almost every teenager wants a movie with violence, sex, cussing, and really hot guys & babes. And BTTF (fortunately) does not have these things. As a great man once said, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Thanks. :-)

Back to the Future Part II (1989)

The Best Sequel

[20 June 1999]

Of course, BTTF2 isn't as good the original, but it is still a great movie. This is one exception where the sequel is either better or is just as good as the original (kind of like The Empire Strikes Back was better than Star Wars). Although this movie is very dark and complicated, it still has the same great material that made the first BTTF such an awesome movie. If you've seen BTTF1, be sure to see BTTF2!!!

Back to the Future (1985)

THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!

[20 June 1999]

WOW!!!!! This has got to be one of the best movies I have ever seen in my life. It's better than Star Wars, better than Titanic, better than Jurassic Park, better than Saturday Night Fever, and better than any crap Hollywood producers pull off these days. I have to admit that 2001: A Space Odyssey is my favorite movie of all time, but this movie is my favorite in the "Adventure/Comedy" category. If you don't like this movie, I seriously recommend professional help for you. This movie has it all: adventure, comedy, romance, sci-fi, and suspense. Plus, the sequels to it are actually very good, unlike some sequels that have been made to movies. You will love this movie, so, if you can, PLEASE see it!! Christopher Lloyd is awesome, Michael J. Fox is even better. Great actors, great plot, great music, great jokes, just plain great MOVIE.

The Edge (1997)

This Movie is Da Bomb

[23 May 1999]

I first thought that The Edge was going to be another "stupid" adventure movie, one that was not too believeable or had some outrageous stunts that typical guys just could have never pulled off. But this movie is actually pretty good, and I would recommend it to practically anyone. Even if you're not the "usual" adventure fan (aka Indiana Jones) you will still love this movie. Sir Anthony Hopkins does an excellent job and Alec Baldwin is good as the young, jealous "know-it-all." Although there are some particularly disturbing scenes with a ton of blood and gore, this is still one of the best movies there is, so go and see The Edge!

Titanic (1997)

One Word: OVERRATED

[11 April 1999]

Okay, um, tell me again, what is so good about this movie???????? How did it win best picture next to "Good Will Hunting?" Why does everyone obsess over Leonardo DiCaprio?? I didn't even cry at "Titanic." Now, I am a girl, but have only seen this movie once. And almost every single one of my friends loves "Titanic," bawled their eyes out at the end, and adores Leonardo DiCaprio & Co. Me? I think "Armageddon" is sadder than this movie. (I nearly cried at that one) All I hear is "Titanic this," or "Titanic that." I'm sick of it! I have to admit the special effects and set designs are good, but this is just Romeo & Juliet set in 1915. I guess I just didn't "feel the romance." I'm not an unemotional person, but I've seen movies a lot more moving (and entertaining) than "Titanic". I almost *want* "The Phantom Menace" to beat its highest box office gross record. :-) If you haven't seen "Titanic," don't take everyone's word for it if they say it's the greatest movie on earth, okay?? Thanks.

-2001Rulz

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Rest In Peace, Stanley Kubrick

[11 April 1999]

In a way, I consider myself "lucky" to have been able to have seen 2001 while Stanley Kubrick was still alive. His death was one of the few deaths in showbiz that has actually made me sad. I absolutely *love* this movie--note the screen name, people. :-) Kubrick did a great job of directing this movie (as he has always done :-) ) and Kier Dullea gives an excellent performance as Dave. My favorite character, though, would just have to be the evil computer, HAL, voiced by Douglas Rain. This movie shows that pretty soon, instead of us running the machines, the machines are going to be running us. I also thought the beginning, though a little boring and long, was interesting. The apes, who have learned to use bones and sticks in self defense, have just discovered the weapon, man's shield of protection, yet also its destruction. I think the special effects in this movie are awesome (even for 1968!). The part where Dave was entering Jupiter was cool. People who think this movie is pointless and is too confusing to get aren't just smart enough to appreciate *real* movies. I have to admit that I myself still haven't entirely figured out every little metaphor or puzzle in this movie, but just see 2001: A Space Odyssey, and you'll love it! THANK YOU, STANLEY KUBRICK!! YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED!!!

Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998–2007)

I Love This Show!!

[6 April 1999]

Ask anyone who's seen this show and they'll tell you that it's hilarious. Drew Carey is awesome! I can not help laughing at the stuff that they'll do on this show! It's the funniest program on TV. No matter how rotten you're mood is, you'll be cracking up by the first ten minutes of this show. If you're the hard-to-get-to-laugh type, you'll still love "Who's Line Is It, Anyway?" See it if you can!

Omaha (1995)

If You Live In Nebraska, You'll Love This Movie

[2 April 1999]

I rented "Omaha (The Movie)" at the Library, and haven't seen the video anywhere since then. If you live in Nebraska, you'll definitely take a liking to this movie, but I think you others will enjoy it, too.

Simon, who has a chaotic family life, goes off to Nepal to find "peace with his inner self," only to find that the monk monastery is off of the local interstate and Friday nights are spent watching monster-truck rallies via satellite. Semi-successful, he returns home a year later along with some "ancient Buddhist prayer stones", but his family is still addicted to the television show, "The Feds." On the verge of techno-crisis, he goes down to an old, dark library, meeting his ex-girlfriend who warns him, "Evil forces are at work!" Among these "evil forces" are a gang of kick-boxers from Iowa and some down-on-their-luck Colombian jewel thieves who have begun stalking Simon to get the prayer stones (which are really uncut emeralds). A quest across the state continues, with a car chase ending up at the not-so-famous Carhenge, a replica of Stonehenge, but with cars substituting for the stones, a monument we Nebraskan are very proud of. :-) Like I said, you really have be a Nebraskan (even better, Omahan) to love this movie, but I think it's very funny and would recommend it to you (unless you're from Iowa!!!!!!)

-2001Rulz

Daria (1997–2002)

This Is Seriously the Best Show on the Air for Teens Today......

[29 March 1999]

.....and I'm not just sayin' that. In this show, we follow a teenage girl named Daria (who'd have known??) on her misadventures as a very smart, very unpopular, and very sarcastic student at Lawndale High. As I watch this show, I can just imagine some of the kids at my school in the character's parts.......it's not that hard! Some kids, or maybe their parents, may think this show is "trashy" or "stupid" because it was a spin-off of "Beavis and Butthead," but it's really not, and the only way you could guess it *was* a B&B spin-off was if somebody told you. It shows kids that they don't exactly have to be popular to be...um...popular. What I'm saying is that Daria doesn't obsess over boys, she isn't a cheerleader, and her only friend is the artist Jane Lane, but the public (her viewers, however) think she's great!! This is my official favorite TV series of all time (it has officially beaten out "Jeopardy!" and "Who's Line Is It, Anyway??") and I think that any kid who's in 4th grade through college would love this series if they saw an episode. Tracey Grandstaff lends her terrific cynical voice to Daria's vocal cords, Janie Mertz gives Brittany Taylor that annoying little popular-chick squeak, and Jane Lane and Daria's sister, Quinn, are given voices by Wendy Hoopes, who also does an excellent job as Daria's mom. See a Daria episode if you can, and you'll know what I'm talking about!! DARIA FOREVER!!

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

This Movie Rocks the House

[29 March 1999]

Okay, let me start out by saying that this is the only Star Trek movie I have ever seen and that I am not a Trekkie at all. In fact, the only reason I decided to see this was because my dad went on about how good it was. And do ya know it, he's right??!! Even if you're not a fan of Star Trek or Sci-fi in general, I still think you'll like this movie, thanks to an excellent performance by Ricardo Montalban as Khan Noonian Singh. He is such a great villain, and my favorite of all movie villains ever! Forget Darth Vader, Khan rules, man! I also enjoyed this movie a lot more than any of the Star Wars movies. This film is really 80's, but, hey, every decade has its own style. I've heard that "The Wrath of Khan" is MUCH better than any of the other Star Trek movies, so I guess I won't be seeing them, or maybe I will, to see how bad they really are......anyway, if you like sci-fi, space, comedy, and a little bit of tragedy (actually, the saddest part was when Khan died--where is the Star Trek gang gonna get all their good villains now??) then you should definitely see this movie. Don't expect "Casablanca" or "Citizen Kane," but this is a good movie that practically anyone can love.

4 out of 4 stars for "Khan."

-2001Rulz.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

NO, Indy, NO!

[21 March 1999]

Okay, people, I KNOW I'm not the only person out there who thinks this movie is terrible. Let me begin with saying that Raiders of the Lost Ark wasn't exactly one of my *favorite* movies, but I thought it was okay. Good enough to see the sequel, anyway, or at least attempt to watch the sequel. My brother and sister were watching this movie and I had nothing to do so I figured--"What the heck?? At least Harrison Ford's in it"--and sat down to watch.

First of all, there's the title: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." Let's see--yes, Indiana Jones is in it, I guess there certainly is doom, but there really is no "Temple" at all. There's a palace, but no temple. There's your first clue that this movie isn't exactly going to be great.

Maybe part of the reason the movie was so bad was because this stupid guy who claimed to be "The Undertaker" would talk in between commercials. Him and his little show, "The Undertaker's Theater of Doom," did not help in making this movie any better. I should have known: stupid people + stupid shows=stupid movies.

Actually, compared to some films, Temple of Doom wasn't that bad. But, when you're talking on the scale of Raiders of the Lost Ark, I think Spielberg & Co. could have done better. Remember that great opening scene in Raiders with the Indy and that giant rolling boulder and all? This movie starts out with Kate Capshaw singing in this Shanghai club in what looked like a Rockettes musical! NOT the kind of thing that should be in an Indy movie. And just seeing Harrison Ford in that white tux made me shudder. I'm surprised Ford actually agreed to do some of the stuff he did in this movie.

Well, you can pretty much screw the beginning, since it's just like a comedy that isn't funny anyway. I'll just give you an idea of how unrealistic this movie is: Indy, Willie, and Shorty are on this plane with no driver. Just before they're about to crash, they jump off the plane in this inflatable raft and fall a couple thousand feet into the Himilayas before they start sledding down the mountain slope. THEN, they fly off this cliff (complete with Capshaw's annoying screams) and fall another thousand feet or so before landing in these rapids. Gee--what luck--the raft landed right side down all the time!

OKAY, I've survived the beginning, but there's still a lot of movie to go. Indy and Friends then go to this palace searching for this stone, risking their lives to help people they hardly know, where there's this completely stupid and unnecessary scene at the dinner table. Then, we get into the scene where Indy finds the secret passage to the Thuggee cult ceremony, he gets possessed, Shorty gets put into this labor force of kids which might as well been a Malaysia Nike Sweatshop, and more annoying screams from Capshaw following. I especially do not like the little voodoo doll of Indy--HELLO, people, this is REAL, not fantasy!

After surviving all the crap from those scenes, I am gladdened when a good scene actually comes along--the runaway mine cart scene (I love rollercoasters!!) and the swinging bridge scene. The ending is, well, okay, but I think Indy should have seriously dumped Willie from the start (at least we wouldn't have had to listen to her annoying screams!!). Kate Capshaw is probably a very nice person, but her character is one of the worst damsels in distress onscreen ever.

Overall, I did not like this movie. Harrison Ford was bad, Kate Capshaw was terrible (Indy: "Willie, get us outta here, we're gonna die!" Willie: "Hold on, I broke a nail!") and Johnathon Ke Quan was a good actor for such a little guy, but Shorty was sometimes almost as annoying as Willie.

Spielberg and Ford could've done better. I'm still trying to decide which movie is worse: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" or "The Lost World."