patkeith Reviews

Day Watch (2006)

Turn on the subtitles... and don't look up when there's talking...

[2/10 · 8 December 2007]

There is actually a split vote on this film. For look, direction and effects, more like an 8. For script, it's a negative number, so 2 sounds about right.

If you threw the "plot" to this film (or "Nightwatch," for that matter) into a 60s science fiction evil computer, it would sputter and die from the lack of logic in about 30 seconds ("That does not compute.. that does not compute...").

The problem isn't language or culture. The problem, like in "Nightwatch," is that people don't act or react because of who they are, they do it because for the "story," they have to. And in that "story," things and people become incredibly important... until suddenly they're not.

So.

Don't expect anything but action that will take your breath away. Which is why I say the best way is to watch it with subtitles and do something else at the same time. As soon as they stop talking, look up. Think of the "story" and dialogue as breathers between the action sequences, and don't be tempted to try to follow it.

Trust me on this.

Deepwater (2005)

Undiscovered gem

[9/10 · 10 September 2006]

Where was I when this movie came out? I don't' remember it EVER coming out. But I was at the DVD rental store and saw this movie, and since all I wanted was to lie down and vegetate, I rented it because the cast was interesting and I thought I'd give it a try. It seemed like a big mistake at first. The first 45 minutes had me reaching for a magazine to read at the same time, because I was sure I knew what was going on, and some of the characters seemed, well, stupid. And I hate stupid characters... but after seeing it in it's entirely, it has really stuck with me.

Rent it, hang in there, and you'll be in for a treat.

Elizabethtown (2005)

I'd like to say this movie was a nightmare...

[1/10 · 16 October 2005]

...but at least nightmares aren't BORING! I went to this movie because I have been a great fan of Cameron Crowe's previous work. Considering how much I have enjoyed his other films, I guess I should forgive him for this horrible, pointless mess. The movie starts out promisingly enough. Alec Baldwin gives another note perfect performance as Orlando Bloom's boss. Too bad the movie wasn't about the boss. For once Orlando Bloom enters the title town, the movie comes to a slow crawl. The quirky town folk are either unmemorable or annoying. His romance with Kirsten Dunst is creepy. Any guy worth his salt would know that this is one gal to flee from quickly. Avoid at all costs -- you will thank me.

Twisted (I) (2004)

Avoid at all costs!

[1/10 · 6 March 2004]

I am not one to give away plots, even to really bad movies, so I will keep this review -- or rather warning, as it happens -- generic in nature. "Twisted" is one of those so-called thrillers that is so bad that you'll be talking about it for hours, it not days, afterward. The conversation with my fellow sufferer of this mess went like this: Me: "Oh, and what about [INSERT RIDICULOUS PLOT ELEMENT]?!" Reply: "Yes, that WAS stupid and without any sense, but what about [INSERT EQUALLY RIDICULOUS PLOT ELEMENT]?! With adjacent audience members also suppressing laughter at the more inane dialogue, "Twisted" falls into that category of films that is so unintentionally humorous through its sheer incompetence that it could be enjoyable to watch with a group of friends ready to poke fun at a very deserved target. Just be sure to supply plenty of wine.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Betw'n seeing this and having a root canal, call the dentist

[1/10 · 2 December 2001]

Okay, to be fair, I can only review the first 45 minutes of this movie. That's because my friend and I walked out from boredom. While watching this film, I kept thinking to myself that I should be enjoying it. After all, it has a great cast and a goofy sensibility. But after the third time I checked my watch, it became obvious that the film was just plain bad. Once again the writers seemed to believe that since the characters were quirky and off-beat, that they didn't need a decent storyline.

Do yourself a favor - skip this not funny comedy movie and rent a true gem like Danny Kaye's "The Court Jester." You'll be glad you did.

What's the Worst That Could Happen? (2001)

The answer is the obvious...

[1/10 · 9 June 2001]

It's always dangerous to give a movie a title like this, because some "critic" out there is inevitably going to go for the cheap shot of "This! This could be the worst that could happen," no matter how good or bad the film really is. In this case, though, if you're a critic, don't be afraid to use the line. You will not be alone.

I have to admit I didn't see the entire movie. Nor did the several other people who walked out after us (it only takes one person to open the flood gates). It definitely makes you wonder if the critics who are quoted in the ads ever saw this film, or just the money they were paid to fawn all over it.

Martin Lawrence is horribly miscast, and does bits that would have been rejected by Paulie Shore as too tired and stupid in a clear attempt to give the film some comedy. Something which the script totally lacks. Danny Devito does his best, but though he's not miscast, he's obviously cast. Maybe it would have been funnier had Devito and Lawrence switched roles? No, it wouldn't, because you've still got that pesky detail of the script.

One last thing. Were I African-American (or Latino), I'd find the film beyond unfunny into offensive. In the reality of this film, anyone of color is also obviously a thief or con-man. Even the highly educated beautiful young Black woman doesn't skip a beat when she finds out her new paramour is a thief. "If you're a friend of Kevin's," she quips later to John Leguizamo, "I know you work nights."

So let me just say... This. This is the worst that could happen.

One Night at McCool's (2001)

One Evening Wasted

[1/10 · 28 April 2001]

This is one of those star-filled over-the-top comedies that could a) be hysterical, or b) wish that you had gone to the dentist to have all your teeth pulled instead. Unfortunately, One Night at McCool's is a classic "b."

Goldie Hawn recently commented about "Town and Country" that it's a big problem in Hollywood that they start with hiring the actors and putting together a deal before a script is completed. You have to figure that not only did they go into this picture without a complete script, they also mangled it daily. Maybe we need to send cards and letters to the heads of all the studio that say, "It's the script, stupid."

This is also one of those movies where you find yourself feeling sorry for the actors most of the way through. They're working their asses off trying to make all this seem hysterical, but they know most of it is going to be accompanied not by belly laughs but by the sounds of the crickets you can hear inside the silent theatre.

Is it an unmitigated disaster? Not entirely. There are some smiles along the way, mostly due to the efforts of the actors. I probably would have gone out of the theatre thinking, "Eh. It was okay." So why the undeniably hostile tone in my review? The ending. If, as it's been noted, the rest of the movie is just all a setup for the ending, then it misses spectacularly. I really wish I could speak specifically about it, but I hate people who give too much away (even in warning). Suffice it to say that as soon as you see John Goodman behind a bent-over Paul Reiser (nothing given away here. It's in the trailer), get the hell out of the theatre and go out thinking, "Eh. It was okay." The rest of the movie is tacked-on and creatively bankrupt. And you'll be appalled that there will actually be people laughing at this mess.

If you loved "There's Something About Mary" or "Meet The Parents" (both GREAT movies), then don't bother to see this movie. Go have those teeth taken care of instead.

The Minus Man (1999)

Conversation will follow

[18 September 1999]

...is the tag line for the movie. The conversation my friend and I went something like this: "So, whose bright idea was it to see that turkey?" "I know, I blew it. Roger Ebert liked it." "Well, he can just pay me my two hours and $8 bucks back." "Sorry. It was really boring."

Quirky characters do not make a good movie. Skip this and go see "The Sixth Sense" a second time.

What Dreams May Come (1998)

Worst movie of 1998

[1/10 · 18 September 1999]

I wanted to walk out of this movie so badly, but something made me stay -- like hearing the screech of car brakes, and turning toward the sound despite yourself. The movie broke new territory in sentimentalism. So sickenly sweet, my teeth ached when the credits rolled. You have been warned. Stay away!!!!!!

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

Rene Russo is great

[28 August 1999]

This movie was really a Rene Russo film - much to my delight. She is a joy to watch, despite the horrible hair styles. I enjoyed the movie, although I couldn't get past the fact that Tommy Crown was such a jerk. What about the poor Romanians in prison??

The Sixth Sense (1999)

You'll be talking about this one after it's over

[7 August 1999]

The people sitting next to me at the theatre kept complaining that the movie was too slow, but I thought it was very methodical. Very well written, directed, and acted. A thinking man's thriller, with a few scares and little blood. Go see it before people tell you too much about it