Faena Reviews

Andor: Daughter of Ferrix (2022) Season 1, Episode 11

Skarsgård killing it

[9/10 · 17 November 2022]

Luthen owning the Imperial patrol ship has got to be one of the greatest Star Wars thrills of my lifetime. He is a total badass. Know who else is? Tony Gilroy. Thank you, Sir. You found a side of Star Wars that's been missing for decades and gave it back to us.

The writing, performances, direction, everything is superb. The sets, tech -- even the hairstyles -- faithfully evoke the ANH era, as they should. Andor mountingly serves the Star Wars mythos with sophisticated, intelligent content; a welcome relief after the chintzy, awful Obi-Wan Kenobi. I can't wait to see what the finale is packing, and Season 2 should be even more incredible. Maybe we'll see the Mon Calamari join the Rebel Alliance. Exciting.

By the way, Andor goes back to the beach planet for a gun and some loose change? As in the planet with random Imperial slave labor life sentences?? You wouldn't catch me within ten systems of that place.

Quantum Leap: Somebody Up There Likes Ben (2022) Season 1, Episode 3

Please Get Canceled

[1/10 · 9 October 2022]

For love of the original series, please cancel this revival as quickly as possible. I don't care where Ben is going in spacetime, because it will surely be as underwhelming as the series thus far. But if I had to guess, he's probably going to meet up with Sam Beckett. Bakula will probably make an appearance in the season (hopefully series) finale. His comments about declining to be involved are meant to throw us off. The genius showrunners will present a disgruntled Sam, and Ben has to save his soul or some B. S. Anyway, here are the key takeaways from episode 3 of Quandumb Leap:

-Editing a show in ADHD-O-Vision is a surefire way to build a prestigious network drama.

-If a man has PTSD, then any display of aggression (even if justified) is a result of PTSD. Did you know this? Not me.

-Ben obtains the physical attributes of the Leapee?? No, no, no. Just no. I really should stop watching now. Have they even watched the original series? It had mind merges, but when Sam Leaped into an amputee, Sam still had legs. He could perform martial arts and other physical feats that only Sam knew because it's his body not the Leapee's. If you want to argue that's a feat of the mind, when Sam was a little kid ("Runaway"), his grip during a handshake was his own, not Butchie's. Plus, how could he have been effective in combat as someone with lesser strength? Doesn't track, and there are several examples to be cited from the OS. The 2022 series tells us Ben has the boxer's (Danny Hill's) strength, but he shouldn't - it should be Ben's body, and others see and hear Danny via his physical aura. So are we supposed to believe that Ben's body is in the Waiting Room? Pardon me, what Waiting Room - that aspect has so far been completely ignored, but at least we get to see the PQL staff hang out and watch reality TV (can't make this up). So does Danny in the Waiting Room only have Ben's strength? If Ben Leaps into an opera singer, I guess he won't need to flex his vocal cords. If he Leaps into an NFL quarterback or a ballet dancer, should he worry? He has their power based on what this episode tells us. The plot tension derived from him not having a Leapee's physical qualities is now completely nullified. Brilliant!

-Ben Leaps outside his own lifetime. Sure, the OS did finally give an excuse for Sam to do this in the final season by having him Leap into the Civil War but as his ancestor. That bloodline device is dismissed here with a line about "disengaged safety protocols" or something. I didn't realize it was safety protocols keeping Sam within his own lifetime, I thought that he solved time travel from his theory that it was only possible within his own lifetime. I'll relent that it's been a little over 20 years since we last saw the original PQL, so Ben and/or the new Project could have developed breakthroughs in Leaping. However, this genius lifetime rule from Donald P. Bellisario kept the show from getting too crazy. Buckle up for the Wild West and Roman colosseums.

-The hero of this network series calls police officers pigs.

-We are still being denied he signature Leap special effect. Instead, we get lame spiral-outs from Ben's eye (really??) or a generic white glow filter on his face. What is the thinking behind this? Anyone who watched the OS dug seeing the Leaps take place. It became an iconic fixture of the show.

-Ziggy is still completely mum. I guess it would be too fun to have the arrogant, self-absorbed presence from "The Leap Back" sparring with the staff. For some reason, Ziggy regressed from a futuristic parallel hybrid computer with laser beam interfaces to a present-day A. I. that has less to say than Alexa or Siri.

-I wonder what object of Al's that Janis is after in Beth's home? What could it possibly be?

-Good thing Janis Calavicci is a genius (of course), so that she can build her own accelerator (or imaging chamber) in a basement.

-I don't care about Ben's and Addison's love drama. Making the Leaper and hologram fiances was the lamest decision ever for this revival - because Ben and Addison are the least interesting characters. I'm talking pure, unrefined P. C. cardboard. The OBSERVER (which has somehow become just the "hologram") should be Janis Calavicci with her father's libido and quirks. Imagine this show's brilliant concept being enjoyable again -- but that would require reasonably intelligent and creative people being involved. Too late.

Quantum Leap: Atlantis (2022) Season 1, Episode 2

Beth

[4/10 · 28 September 2022]

Beth Calavicci is looking really good at 80 (actress was 27 in her original episode set in 1969, it's 53 years later... )

What's with the crappy Leap effect or not showing the signature effect all? Why hold back with that? Subverting expectations = disappointment and confusion.

I guess Addison can remain in the Imaging Chamber after Ben Leaps, unlike Al who told Sam he goes back when the Leap takes place.

Why couldn't Addison pop over to the Russian space station to check on the status of the crew?

They've taken the mystique out of the Project by making it look like a cyber cafe. What happened to laser interfaces? Did light-up earrings go out of style since 1999? Why is Ziggy not conversing with the staff? It's all so vanilla.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Part V (2022) Season 1, Episode 5

More Mediocrity

[3/10 · 16 June 2022]

I guess they forgot to de-age Ewan and Hayden for the flashback scene. No one at Lucasfilm thought of that. They can seamlessly make 70 year-old Hamill look like he's 35, but when it came to this - eh, no one'll notice that Hayden looks like he's 40 when he's supposed to be 20. Not distracting or weird in any way, and everyone will enjoy the cool flashback. Hey guys, we forgot to put the dots on your faces, but you look great anyway - just keep fighting. Time is money.

And no one tell Ewan that he's forgotten how to evoke Alec. Just keep filming.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Part IV (2022) Season 1, Episode 4

Awful

[2/10 · 9 June 2022]

Four episodes in and think they've given Hayden a collective 30 seconds. I'd say he was screwed, except we were.

Is Ewan even trying to channel Alec anymore? He was more Alec-y in the prequels, he should be even moreso here but it feels like he's playing himself. This is not Obi-Wan from the OT. Not even close by any stretch of imagination.

Best part of the episode was the speeders. Otherwise utterly insipid and uninspiring unless the goal is to despecialize Star Wars, but Disney's been doing that for seven years now. Everyone acts and speaks like they're from Earth in 2022 instead of a galaxy far, far away. This is because Disney hires talentless people to write what was once the preeminent mythology of the century.

Thanks for making the Obi-Wan/Leia continuity forever nonsensical and weird, you dullards.

NCIS: Blood and Treasure (2020) Season 18, Episode 3

Kasie's Bootleg DVDs

[4/10 · 7 April 2021]

Anyone know WTH Kasie was talking about watching bootleg Indiana Jones DVDs? She coudn't get ahold of legit ones which have been in circulation for what, nearly 20 years? And she's barely 30? Horrible line.

Also, this episode is pretty bad.

Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (2021) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Fully Produced First Draft Script

[2/10 · 10 January 2021]

A third grader could have written a better special. This is a first draft hack job.

River Song could break out of Stormcage anytime she wanted to go on a date with the Doctor, but the Doctor herself can't break out of the space rhino prison in three decades (ultimately needing to be rescued).

We never learn how the Judoon compromised the TARDIS in the previous episode. Since they did, why can't they just do it again and re-arrest the Doctor? Think about that. Plus, we're supposed to believe they didn't impound the TARDIS and left it alone? If they gained access, they must have some degree of control over its systems, right? And how does Jack transport directly into the TARDIS anyway? This script is for idiots.

From Jack's rescue, we can surmise that word of the Doctor's imprisonment spread. So her multitude of enemies across time and space were content with her cooling her heels in a cell? No assassination attempts? No fleets converging on the space rhino prison? The space rhinos are just that good -- nobody messes with them. Maybe someone did over 30 years, we just didn't get to see it. That's the ticket.

My girlfriend who was looking forward to this said it nearly put her to sleep.

Congratulations to showrunner Chris Chibnall: You've done the impossible -- you made Captain Jack Harkness boring.

The X-Files: My Struggle III (2018) Season 11, Episode 1

Biggest TV Retcon since J.R. getting shot

[4/10 · 4 January 2018]

Nearly two years after the previous season's cliffhanger, I was expecting Chris Carter to open the season with a time cut, or to insert one before episode 2 to bring the series up-to-date. I never, ever expected that he would retcon the entire episode "My Struggle II" in order to course correct Series 11. I posit that this was not planned in Season X, and he absolutely had written himself into a corner. If it had been planned, I'd be okay with it, but it clearly was not. So all the progress made in MS2, all the science, all the character interactions are for nothing -- it never happened. I guess Mulder's monologue in said episode never happened either? It's part of Scully's vision. Unless memory fails, this has got to be the biggest retcon in TV history since J.R.'s "assassination" in Dallas. It does such a disservice to all the work done on MS2: The co-writers, the actors (Ambrose and Amell CANNOT be happy). And so now the Smoking Man has no prosthetics -- he's just back to normal? It was a stretch asking me to believe that he wasn't destroyed by a missile in "The Truth" even though this was seen onscreen -- so in Season X they downplayed his injuries but at least showed that he was horribly disfigured. In "My Struggle III", this seems to have been completely retconned as well -- no more disfigurement, just an old man. Seriously, why not just tell us he was cloned? So in the same universe that he was destroyed by a missile, in Dana's vision he appears as a disfigured survivor, then we're told forget that -- in the real world, he's healthy and unscathed, just older. Remember when Jeremiah Smith told him he had lung cancer in 1996? What happened to his cerebral issue from Season 7, then the illness he dealt with in "Requiem"? Never addressed -- outrageous. So when you start cheating your continuity, you break your show and frustrate your fans -- total disrespect.

Aside from this utter nonsense, I thought the CSM's revelation to Skinner at the end was great. Like truly epic. Maybe it's been kicked around in fandom before, but I never expected it. I sincerely wish that it hadn't been delivered in a B.S. retcon for the ages episode.

Late for Dinner (1991)

I waited 25 years to see this...

[3/10 · 18 April 2015]

... almost as long as the main characters were frozen. When this movie was released in 1991, I was fifteen. It caught my attention, but not my friends', and consequently, other movies were chosen for matinees. Late for Dinner slipped by, but never fell off my radar. I rarely rented VHS movies. Since the advent of DVD, I've become a voracious collector. I've had the DVD in my sights since 2011, but kept waiting for the price to drop to finally check out this film. When the Blu-ray was announced this year, I said screw it, it won't get any better than this, and bought it instantly. I finally watched Late for Dinner tonight after keeping it in the back of my mind for a quarter century.

My story doesn't have a happy ending.

I can understand why it didn't make a splash, and perhaps why it's W.D. Richter's second and (to date) final film.

It just doesn't work. At all.

The direction is amateurish, and it has some of the clumsiest acting I've seen in a major studio release. I attribute this criticism to the two male leads. Berg's performance is unconvincing, although I blame the script and Richter's choices first over the actor. Brian Wimmer, however, is woefully miscast. A different actor might have raised this material. The final scenes between Willie and Joy are the best example: The dude just murders it. It is utterly incompatible with his style. I actually think this scene could have saved the movie for me, if delivered with nuance and gravitas, but there is none. Clearly the man is a paid actor because he's talented, but sometimes casting the right person can make or break a production.

Had I seen Late for Dinner in 1991, would I have had a more favorable reaction? To be fair, I think so. The SNL sketch deep freeze plot might have seemed more cutting edge to me as a tenth grader. Still, the cryogenic company and its personnel are completely done away with as soon as Frank and Willie drive away from the complex. The sci-fi element is required for the story, but it's totally a square peg. The movie is unbalanced, no matter what decade I saw it in.

Anyway... that's my two cents. Glad I finally saw it.

The French as Seen by...: The Cowboy and the Frenchman (1988) Season 1, Episode 2

Worth a look

[5/10 · 11 October 2014]

This starts off pretty funny, but simply becomes too... Lynchian. By the time the girls arrive, it had lost me. The subsequent party scene is oblique, and the only highlight is Harry Dean Stanton's considerable singing talent (who knew? -- not me). I wish Lynch had stuck with straight comedy through and through, yet his more devoted fans might appreciate his surrealism a bit more than I'm able to. I guess I'm too dense. This is the only one of his efforts on The Short Films of David Lynch DVD that I was able to derive any sort of enjoyment from. On a side note, I noticed the boom mic dip briefly into the frame once, which was disappointing.

Message from Space (1978)

A movie from 1978 that makes Laserblast seem like The Deer Hunter

[1/10 · 21 April 2013]

I keep a list of my picks for worst movies ever, arranged by year. Until I watched this slipshod hunk of insanity, Laserblast was my entry for 1978. It has now been deleted. That is all.

What's that? I still have to fill ten lines? Okay. Message from Space is one of those movies that epitomizes the astonishment that washes over you as you're staring at a bad movie like a deer caught in headlights, thoughts bursting: This was made by humans who possess the same mental faculties as me? Money was spent on this? Okay, not a lot, but it must have cost something to turn that mall or office building in a spaceship interior... right? Mystic walnuts that seek out eight heroes, inexplicably? Would that have even been a credible story element pre-cinema, centuries ago? You still would have been laughed out of the campfire fairytale gathering. Vic Morrow looks like he's wondering if he can stand up, shake his head and walk off the set, cursing, at any given moment. Is the dialogue this ridiculous in the original Japanese translation? Wow, look at all of the craftsmanship that went into the spaceship designs. The designers and model makers must have really (and probably still do) hate the IDIOT DIRECTOR AND CINEMATOGRAPHER.

Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight (2002 TV Movie)

So, did Straczynski write this before or after breakfast?

[2/10 · 8 December 2009]

I think my father summed it up perfectly with the breakfast question about 30 minutes into this film. Both of us were huge B5 fans and had been chomping at the bit ever since we'd heard a new B5 series was in the works, and one that focused on Rangers. You'd think B5 had nowhere left to go but up following the embarrassing Crusade, but that's not the case here. There is a perceptible and curious decline in the quality of JMS's scripts since Season 5 ("Sleeping in Light" withstanding since it was produced during the fourth season): The TV movies beginning with Thirdspace, up to and including A Call to Arms, then Crusade and now this. His dialogue is rough and unpolished, the humor weak and generic -- nothing like the original four seasons which are incredibly sharp and rewatchable; exceptional storytelling. Quite simply, Babylon 5 the series is the best fictitious television series I've ever watched. But it's as if JMS became too comfortable within his own universe, or else burned out. Were it not for the writing credits to identify those responsible, one could mistake Season 5 onward as being helmed by an all new writer or staff; that's how distinct the styles are. The Legend of the Rangers really plays out like something a teenager could have written in study hall. I swear by this time they must have been locking and shooting his first drafts. There's also a problem with the actors here: Dylan Neal and Andreas Katsulas seem to be the only ones capable of subverting the trite material with thoughtful performances. The visual effects are passable for a 2002 telefilm, but what's with the unnecessary makeover for planet Minbar, and the TOTALLY DISTRACTING absence of Epsilon III when we see Babylon 5? Let me throw in a compliment: I actually liked the idea of the (notorious) virtual gunnery port. Notice I said THE IDEA OF.

In closing: B5 the series is amazing, however JMS's later excursions into his universe have done nothing but dilute its legacy. The Lost Tales was a marginal improvement over Crusade and Rangers, but still fair game for B5 skeptics who may never give the series a chance after discovering such weak ancillary material.

Doctor Who: The Infinite Quest (2007)

Okay script hampered by flimsy production.

[4/10 · 2 August 2009]

The most successful thing about this is how the animation flawlessly captures David Tennant's and Freema Agyeman's performances. Next, I thought the script could have worked for an actual Doctor Who feature. Not that it was phenomenal, but had they made a Tennant flick, this would have clicked because its ultimately a stand-alone story, but broad in scope. Unfortunately what we get is claustrophobic, cheap-feeling flash animation. A traditional 2D approach would have served this better, though admittedly it would have been more expensive and time consuming. Some great ship and robot designs with decent 3D rendering, but my concentration evaporated about 10 minutes in and I was waiting for it to end.

Star Trek: Of Gods and Men (2007 Video)

This is what they came up with?

[1/10 · 1 June 2009]

What we have here is an extended, unbearable New Voyages episode, complete with James Cawley (AKA Elvis Kirk), who evidently bartered use of his sets for a cameo appearance as Captain Kirk's nephew and a comfy seat at the conn for pal Jeffery Quinn. Too bad he didn't farm out his CG team either, because the outer space visuals in this production would make the "Space Rangers" (1993) effects crew snicker. Fidelity to Trek vessels aside, these shots are the computer age equivalent of a third grader with A.D.D. nearly puncturing the margins of notebook paper with ballpoint blue lasers and whirly explosions to depict spaceship wars.

Here's what happens when the typical fanboy script with hackneyed dialogue is actually produced, but somehow attracts an array of Star Trek luminaries: Nichelle Nichols and Walter Koenig must have realized this could be their last stab at committing their iconic characters to the screen. Tuvok directs and brings on Voyager chums Ethan Phillips and Garrett Wang. Alan Ruck is the one I felt the worst for; he's the canon likeness of the USS Enterprise-B captain with one on-screen appearance to his credit, but a clear grasp of Paramount's non-existent desire to produce new Captain Harriman material. As such it's easy to figure why he would volunteer his time to a fan production; an opportunity to insert himself once more, however unofficial, into Trek lore. Unfortunately instead of a straight Enterprise-B adventure (which this should have been with his participation, period), he's mired in a barely watchable stageplay with no character development whatsoever. By the end of the movie, we have no clearer impression of who Captain Harriman is than we did at the end of his scenes in STAR TREK: GENERATIONS. What a waste. I really thought it was going to be something special to rival the official Star Trek movies as "the one just for the fans" that Paramount never quite pulled off. Not the case. In fact now I understand why this sorta "came and went" with barely a whisper. All the ship drama occurs on the New Voyages Constitution-class Enterprise. One scene even drags out in the transporter room for what seemed like twenty full minutes! The wooden direction casts professional actors like Walter Koenig and Alan Ruck in an amateurish flare, akin to deer in headlights. To its credit, there are some nice location shoots like Vazquez Rocks and a couple of gardens that serve as the planet Vulcan. Initially I was impressed when Charlie X showed up and I thought they'd gotten the original actor, but he isn't.

The DVD case is interesting. One quote describes this as the "... most intelligent and thought provoking Star Trek movie ever created." I don't know about intelligent, but it definitely provoked my thoughts, as evidenced by this review. I suppose if the only Star Trek one has ever seen is the TNG eps where Ro and Guinan turn into kids and quell a Ferengi takeover of the ship, and the one where Dr. Crusher's dead grandmother's Scottish boyfriend's ghost shows up, OGaM could seem like the most intelligent Trek ever, but sadly this is one disc that will sit on my shelf for years until I feel the urge to punish myself for being a fan, or whenever I want to make my friends stare at my TV in horror... before getting their MST3K on.

The Dark Knight (2008)

Let's be realistic.

[5/10 · 22 July 2008]

I settled on a 5/10 for The Dark Knight. I appreciated the story structure and all the notes they hit... I just don't think they played them loudly. I don't like re-casting, and the replacement of Katie Holmes/Rachel and the original Barbara Gordon actress (yes, her too, didya notice?) is awkward and distracting. The lack of ANY blood in the film to complement the multitude of beatings and killings (to sustain a PG-13 rating) nullifies the tension that should be present in some brilliantly conceived scenarios. I didn't believe for a second that the victims of several hostage situations (mass or otherwise) would actually lose their lives, because it's blisteringly apparent from the onset that this film is a PG-13, and would never disturb its audience beyond the minimum necessary plot points.

The Joker is actually underwritten. Ledger was game and his performance solid, but honestly: Throw the makeup and stringy hair on 75% of capable actors out there, and you have the same product. I think Jack Nicholson's output is ultimately more interesting, and I think that Tim Burton's original film, although imperfect, is still the most entertaining in the pantheon.

I realize that to hardcore Batman fans, this is a wet dream having the grittiness of the graphic novels transposed to the big screen (if they say so; I say it came close), but riddle me this: If the same script was fashioned into a non-superhero flick, let's say Heat II, and had the same strong performances and production values, would the lack of Batman fan loyalty still rocket it to its current position on the IMDb Top 250?

Transformers (2007)

Their War. Shia LaBeouf's Movie.

[3/10 · 29 August 2007]

By my estimation, 40% of the humor in Transformers is comprised of racial stereotypes, flatulence, pee jokes, disrespect to with the intent to hurt women, drug use, and masturbation jokes. Real classy. Since the screenwriters of Transformers are the same bigots hired to script the new Star Trek, is anyone else as horrified as me? The "future" doesn't look good. I'm sure we'll hear these pinheads on the DVD commentary regaling us with comparisons to ancient mythology and the like, flouting whatever frivolous degrees led them into their lucrative film careers... writing chihuahua gags. That's right, if you thought small animal gags were held in reserve for Ben Stiller comedies, you were wrong. They can also enhance major science fiction epics. Because traditionally, cult fan bases love when their favorite universes are seasoned with fart and pee pee jokes, because it gives them a sense of pride. Pride that a major studio didn't have enough confidence in a 23 year-old property with a built-in worldwide audience guaranteed to shatter box office records that they made a movie not for us thirtysomethings who made Transformers a commodity in the first place, but moreso for eight year-olds. That's gratitude for you.

I thought Shia LaBeouf was supposed to be this wunderkind up-and-coming. Maybe that's apparent in Disturbia, which I missed, because in Transformers he's a total ham.

Unforgettable (1996)

Tedious

[3/10 · 24 June 2007]

Ray Liotta as a forensic examiner who discovers he can experience and thereby solve his wife's murder by injecting himself with cerebral spinal fluid from those involved. Dahl's direction is leaden and every character is dull. Linda Fiorentino fans will find nothing here. By the time it's over you may wish you can siphon some CSF from people who saw a better movie that night and mix it with some of Fiorentino's cocktail, grab a syringe, flex your arm...

Seriously though, it's a pretty cool story that would have been more successful as a novel. Hey, what's with Kim Cattrall playing a non-sexpot supporting character?

The Final Frontier Revisited (2004 Video)

Is this supposed to be a comedy?

[1/10 · 1 January 2007]

Just saw this on the TREKKIES 2 DVD and... it's curiously awful. The production itself is superior to what we usually see in a fan film, so shouldn't it be good? No. What this movie has to do with Star Trek besides the uniforms went over my head. The "actors" are obviously fans, and I'll just leave it at that. So why are Starfleet officers shooting and killing humans in the Old West to rescue their captain? This is incongruous with Star Trek's outlook. This lame film is merely an exercise in gore and testosterone with a bunch of 40-somethings. It's a real shame that the obvious budget and technical expertise was wasted.

Firewall (2006)

Terrible Harrison Ford Thriller

[2/10 · 14 September 2006]

FIREWALL plays out like an abbreviaton of every Harrison Ford thriller ever made. It's a criminal waste of talent, especially Virginia Madsen, Robert Patrick and Ford himself. The dialogue is hackneyed, the supporting characters are clichéd... Paul Bettany is slumming it here with a stock bad guy role. You won't believe how this movie builds him up as a super a**hole only to have absolutely no payoff! The characters are so cardboard, there's no sense of immediacy and whatever threat level it attempts to build simply flatlines. A huge step backwards for Ford, you can almost see him and the supporting cast clocking out at 5:00, cashing their checks and heading off to the fairway. A-List junk.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

Pathetic.

[1/10 · 11 February 2006]

FINAL DESTINATION 3 is what ALIEN 3 is to that franchise. It's a step down from its predecessor, dull, with an unambitious plot. In fact I've nicknamed this one FINAL DESTINATION 3: THE SORCERER, since like the third HIGHLANDER film of the same subtitle versus its original entry, they're the same damn movie. Honestly, this is FD1 with a different cast, and a roller coaster.

Breakdown: FD1 took an intriguing horror movie premise and buried it in a film that barely pushes mediocre, then FD2 successfully mined the potential of the premise and delivered a high quality, entertaining product. The freshest thing about FINAL DESTINATION 3 is the switch to a wider aspect ratio.

What I can't figure out is how Glen Morgan and James Wong, who can be one of the craftiest writing duos ever (watch any of their X FILES or MILLENNIUM episodes, plus the fantastic series SPACE: ABOVE AND BEYOND) can take this wellspring concept absolutely nowhere. It's interesting to note that James Wong directed the first film, and now this one. David R. Ellis, director of the second film, and its writers, fashioned a superior product. Whereas FD2 gave us variety with its characters (a mixture of adults and young people as opposed to teenagers in the first film), FD3's victims are 100% teenaged. NEW LINE AGENDA: Target demographic: Covered. Ambitious film-making and storytelling: Incidental and of secondary concern.

None of the deaths in FD3 are fun (that is the point, isn't it?). In fact, it seems more time was spent concocting Rube Goldberg-ish events to facilitate the fatalities. What this achieves is boredom, contemplation over how bored the filmmakers could have been doing it if you're this bored watching it, contemplation over how much work it must have taken to pull off these sequences, and how that's remotely possible when it's this dull, then no surprise when the character gets it, then astonishment at how simple and unspectacular the death turned out to be. That's right, there's hardly any gore this time around, unless you count a few CGI kills that have been shaved back to a total of 2-3 frames just in case the audience is too squeamish (or New Line was too cheap or lazy), SO DON'T BLINK IF YOU CAME FOR THE GORE!

I was really looking forward to this one, but it's the standard Third Movie In the Franchise, Let's Play It Safe and Tell the Same-Story sludge.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

A Pinnacle of Pulp Fantasy

[9/10 · 25 October 2003]

While the story may not be as sophisticated as The Last Crusade, Temple of Doom is a superior Indiana Jones film. It's not quite Raiders, but Temple shares a visceral energy that Crusade lacks. Indiana Jones is a lean, mean, ass-kicking machine in this flick. When he slugs the first Thuggee before liberating the slave children, sending him sliding across the gravel, I could just cry, it's that good.

Short Round is an excellent sidekick, and Spielberg superbly mines the mock father-son relationship between this character and Indiana Jones in the film's scarce but effective heartwarming scenes. I'm in the minority here, but I think Kate Capshaw is great as the the effervescent Willie Scott. Who says all female characters have to be fearless, ass-bashing kung fu masters or briefcase-toting lawyers? Willie is *supposed* to get on your nerves.

The production is lavish, from the Shanghai nightclub dance number to the gorgeous Indian palace. John Williams' score doesn't have a single dull note, and is an undeniable masterpiece. Sadly, it was criticized for being over the top, like the other aspects of the film.

The Temple of Doom serves as a pinnacle of pulp fantasy. Cinematically, it's better than Crusade, which isn't to say Crusade is bad, it's very very good. But it lacks a certain Spielbergian vitality that's on display here.

Quite simply, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is one of the most deftly crafted adventure films, ever.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

**1/2

[5/10 · 17 May 2003]

Good movie. Better than the first? No, this one is weighed down by the Wachowski Brothers'... something. I'd like to call it overconfidence, but I don't think that applies. They don't have to be overconfident because there's no doubt the film is going to make a killing. I got the impression that they were, along with making a Matrix sequel, trying to make every other movie they've ever wanted to make. It's deep, talky, slow more often than not, bordering on dreary in some places. All punctuated by long, drawn-out and undeniably captivating action sequences. Audiences thrilled by the first one will not find the same kind of entertainment here. The movie is *different*. It is not The Matrix (I). It feels completely different. That's fine... it's bigger and more ambitious. The bad part is the self indulgence. There are at least two or three scenes that are bad, really bad... embarrassingly dumb bad. Fortunately the worst of these scenes occurs pretty early in the film. Is it really necessary to watch Neo have sex with Trinity, all the way to completion for five long minutes (no exaggeration) while intercutting a Zion rave party? That's ridiculous. Why are they dancing anyway? The movie lost me there. Up to that point, it had a cool Star Wars feel with the exception of the introduction of one particularly dumb character that should and could have been deleted from the movie. No problem with sex scenes... they could have kept the Neo and Trinity stuff intact, but the alternating Zion Dance Party looks ridiculous by even today's standards and will definitely date the film in years to come. Were the editors afraid of the Wach Brothers or something?

Ah, the self-indulgence. Countless scenes with characters spouting philosophic, existential hokum to no end. Some dialogue good, some painful. All very sloppy since it could have been condensed, or at least create interesting characters and/or actors to spout it. But there's no way that dialogue or at least the points therein deserved so much time. About the third instance Merovingian repeated his own dialogue I found myself becoming angry. Did they shoot the first draft?

The effects are amazing, everyone who's complaining about the CGI Neo needs to chill. Maybe two times I realized it was a CG Keanu flying around, but I defy any movie to do the sequences more convincingly. I will say this: The fights in this, while beautiful, do seem to lack the visceral thrill of the original. I read some review that said Agent Smith should've gotten his teeth knocked out at least once. Not sure about the non-human Agent Smith, but someone should have.

The freeway scene is spectacular, the jewel being the huge brawl between Morpheus and a Matrix agent atop a semi. This was somewhat ruined for me since I had dirtbags behind me talking on a cell phone. I had to change seats twice during the course of the movie. That didn't stop me from noticing Trinity mounting herself on the motorcycle though... YOW. That's destined to become a legendary screen grab. The cycle ride itself is nothing short of awesome.

So the slow stuff really grates on you after a while... it asks way too much of an audience that's been infatuated with the original. This is heady stuff, nowhere near as accessible as the four year-old original. For that reason, I expect it to die soon with mainstream audiences. It's just an exhausting experience. It's near Lord of the Rings length at just about two and a half hours. It's something to be better examined on DVD, with its nuances and extremely complicated story. Personally, it will take two or three viewings for me to absorb everything that's been laid out to determine if really is the overbaked morass it seems. In one of the climactic (non-action) scenes which is drawn out pointlessly, the movie suddenly becomes, or is trying to become 2001: A Space Odyssey. It also uses a movie gimmick I'm not very fond of: Using your own footage and/or stock WWII footage to decorate a scene or illustrate your pont. This movie uses both. Yuck!

See it in the theaters, buy the DVD. Embrace the trilogy for its ambition. You could learn to love it. Stay after the credits in the theater though, for the preview for The Matrix Revolutions. Only time and patience will tell if this is one of the most intelligent science fiction sagas we're bound to see in our lifetimes. But the entertainment value for this chapter wasn't always there for me. Then again, I did seem to find every dirtbag in the theater.

Black Scorpion (2001)

Idiocy

[5 January 2001]

This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever seen on television (my use of the non-existent term stupid-est is intentional, given the subject matter). After watching the first episode, I suddenly realize why people drive around with "Fight Prime Time, Read a Book" bumper stickers. Black Scorpion is sooo bad, it makes shows like Nightman seem brilliant. Whatever demographic this horror caters to can't be smart enough to pick their own teeth. The superhero thing has been done to death; the trick is to be smarter and edgier than the last incarnation. 85% of the dialogue in Black Scorpion is mind-numbing cliché. What a waste of time.