StarGaze-9 Reviews

Open Mike with Mike Bullard (1997–2004)

Horrible!! No other way to describe it!!

[29 December 2001]

I think I owe Rosie an apology. THIS is the worst talk show ever made! Seriously folks, it doesn't get much worse than this. The only thing more mind boggiling than the fact that this show actually exists is how it manages to stay on the air. (Its STILL on as I write this!)

Mike Bullard is not funny. There is no other way to for me to say this. He is just not funny. His monologue connsits of him taking cheap shots at his audience, then smiling like a squirrel with a shotgun pointed at him and chuckling while the auidence sits in silence and then gives him the token mercy laugh. His guests are mostly no-names. Even the guests I've heard of are still nothing to write home about (Burt Reynolds? Ben Stein? Please, spare me!)

In short, this show stinks! The only worse than the show is the fact that there are actually people who support this garbage. Anytime I hear about people saying that "Open Mike" is great Canadian television, I want to shoot myself!

Rating: Negative 100 stars!!!!

(TY CK ;-))

Internet Slutts (2000– )

MST3K Online!!!

[15 July 2001]

"Internet Slutts" is one of the funniest shows I've ever seen!! Its like "Mystery Science Theater 3000" but instead of two puppets and a human mocking bad movies, its two puppets and no humans making fun of insane websites. Whenever its checking out a guy's collection of banana stickers to looking up the latest in self mutilation, no web site is off limits.

Of course, the show would get boring if it was just mocking the web. That's why they're stories to go along with all this surfing. In one episode, Murk, the drug addled bike courier, is out of beer and pot, so he tries to get high by checking out weird websites. In another, Wally tries to find a new hobby after realizing he's getting too old for the club scene, so he look to the web for suggestions.

The best part of the show is that its jokes come from real websites. Its hard to believe that such insanity is actually out there. New episodes haven't been seen for awhile now, but I certainly hope that it will return for another season, as I'm sure there's still plenty of untapped weirdness on the global pornography ring we call the Internet.

Rating: 4 1/2 Stars out of 5 ****1/2

Kevin Spencer (1998–2005)

Unique and Funny

[15 July 2001]

What a hilarious show this is! Its easily one of the funniest cartoons on TV these days. Its obviously mature and the animation makes "South Park" look like Disney's "Tarzan", plus the main character never utters a word, but what I can say? Its a hoot.

The show basically breaks down like this. Kevin Spencer is a really screwed up teenager who's family is so dysfunctional, they make the Connors on "Roseanne" look like "The Brady Bunch". Many members of Kevin's family (Kevin included) have been in and out of prison more times than Martin and Charlie Sheen combined. In fact, that was the original point of the series. Kevin would tell stories (through flashbacks. He doesn't talk, remember?) to a prison psychiatrist while serving his life sentence that show just how demented he truly is. What's more, he abuses cough syrup, smokes like a chimney, and takes advice from a magic goose named Allen that lives inside his head. What's not to like?

What I like most about "Kevin Spencer" is how at first glance, it resembles a children's show, with its childish drawings and deadpan narrator. Of course nothing could be the further from the truth. This is NOT a children's cartoon. Its vulgar, violent, profane, and I love every minute of it. Even though Kevin got paroled after the first season, the show is still funny as he continues his reign of terror at home and on the streets. Another thing I like about the show; unlike other shows about family dysfunction such as "Titus", not once does "Kevin Spencer" try to come off as realistic. Kevin's family doesn't kiss and make up at the end of an episode. In fact, an episode is more likely to end in a police raid on the Spencer's house or with Percy (Kevin's dad) knocking over a liquor store just to buy smokes.

The show's first season has just been released on VHS and DVD ("WOW! Those ugly drawings are now digital!!!!") and if you ever see it at your local video store, I urge you to check it out. Unless you hate this kind of comedy (I call it South Park-esque), you will not be disappointed

Rating: 4 stars ****

You Don't Know Jack (2001)

A Triumph!

[12 July 2001]

I'm a huge fan of the popular video games called "You Don't Know Jack", so when I heard it was being made into a TV show, I was really excited. Now having seen a few episodes, I can honestly say that my expectations have not been met--they have been surpassed!!!

If you never played the games, here's how it breaks down. People play for (fake) cash while a sarcastic host mocks you every chance they get. The show follows a similar tradition but with a lot more irreverance and satire. My only problem with the show is that Troy Stevens (played brilliantly by Paul Reubens) isn't nearly as merciless on the contestants as the video games hosts were. I guess they were worried that it might look like they were ripping of "Weakest Link" even though YDKJ came first!!

Nonetheless, its a great show that I urge everyone to check out before in gets canceled. Sorry, but as much as I love this show, I doubt it will last as there simply doesn't seem to be any room these days for game shows that don't give out millions of dollars.

Which is sad, since YDKJ is WAYYYYYYYYYY better than "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

Rating: 5 stars *****

BattleBots (2000–2002)

Rage in the...Box?

[13 May 2001]

When I first heard of this show, I thought it would be incredibly stupid. Then I started watching, (we just got it here in Canada) and now I can't stop watching!

Call it my Y chromosome if you must, but I just like seeing stuff get destroyed. Add the fact that these robots are built by regular (though some are professionals) people, and that broadens the appeal.

If you've never seen the show, here it is broken down (no pun intended):

People build these robots that are designed to hurt and then turn them on each other (robots, not the people). The fights take place in a bulletproof cage (to prevent shrapnel from flying into the audience) called a "Battle Box", they last for three minutes (or five minutes for a battle royal), and the judges award points based on aggression, damage inflicted, and hits. Obviously, the bot with the most points (or KO) wins. Champions in the four weight classes receive $5000 and giant gold nut.

If there's one thing I dislike about the show, its the vignettes between matches which I suppose are there for comedic purposes. Well, it is on Comedy Central (The Comedy Network north of the border) after all. Still, the time these vignettes take up could be better used for more matches. Instead, we are "treated" to Mecha Tentoumushi on "The Tonight Show", a short on how TURBO is a great chick magnet, and watching Donna D'Errico's replacement (I forget her name) take Mauler's builder out to a fancy restaurant to teach him some class. Gimmie a break!!!

That being said, I still enjoy "BattleBots" and will continue to watch. My favorites from each weight class are Backlash (Lightweight), Deadblow (Middleweight), Mauler (Heavyweight), and Rammstein (Super Heavyweight).

In fact, I like this show so much, I'm thinking of entering myself. I'll even do those stupid vignettes if that's what it takes.

So in closing, watch "BattleBots". Its a half hour of good time fun.

After all, what other show features a big gold nut?

Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)

Take a seat, Leno!

[10 April 2001]

My main complaint with "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" is that I have to sit through "The Tonight Show" first. But its well worth it! This is easily the best late-night talk show, bar none! Granted, the show has lost a little steam since Andy split to conquer Hollywood, but otherwise, the writing hasn't skipped a beat. My only other complaints are that the show is only on 4 nights a week (Monday's are always reruns) and that Conan takes more vacations then Jay Leno forcing weeks of reruns. (and whenever Leno takes time off, so does Conan, which is unacceptable). That being said, this is still the best show in late night. Now if NBC would only give it "The Tonight Show"'s timeslot, we'd all be happy.

5 out 5 stars. *****

Godzilla 2000 (1999)

Not bad, but not great.

[19 August 2000]

I'm relatively new to the original Godzilla series. The only other Godzilla film I've ever seen is the 1998 Hollywood version (and I don't care what anyone thinks, I still like that one).

Anyway, Godzilla 2000 is the first of the original Godzilla films since 1995's Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah and the first to be realeased in North American cinemas since Godzilla 1985: The Legend is Reborn. So what did I, an almost virgin to the Godzilla series think? Well...

First, a little about the film. Godzilla returns, slightly smaller (150 feet instead of 400) to attempt another raid on Tokyo. Meanwhile, there are these scientists who unearth a mysterous stone stratum underwater only to find out that its an alien space craft that's been in suspended animation for 16 million years (Cecil B. DeMille is spinning in his grave). Soon after that, the aliens pursue Godzilla cuz the big guy has some sort of gene that can help them populate Earth. So naturally, its up to Godzilla to once again play the unlikely hero and save the world.

If I had any beefs about this film, its that it spends way too much time on the alien space craft, and too little time on Godzilla. After all, the film is called "GODZILLA 2000"! I guess the director just wanted to create some suspense. Storywise, this movie could have been better, but does anybody really see a Godzilla movie (or ANY monster movie for that matter) for its story and acting? Hell no! They see it to watch Godzilla wipe his feet on Tokyo (or New York if you're counting the 1998 film WHICH I STILL LIKE!!!!).

As for the acting, its hard to tell what the original acting was like since the film had to be dubbed for its North American realese, so I can't really fairly comment. I will say that at least the dubbing isn't literal as many overseas films tend to be. Unfortunatly, this doesn't mean Godzilla 2000 doesn't have its share of corny lines. (Wait until the end of the film, and you will hear the mother of all corny lines!)

Visually, Godzilla 2000 is half and half. While granted, there are odd pieces of eye candy, the special effects for the most part are in keeping with the tradition of the Godzilla series in that they're incredibly cheesy. No longer the computer animation of the 1998 picture (WHICH I STILL LIKE!!!!!), Godzilla is once again a guy in a rubber suit (though a much better looking rubber suit at that) shaped oddly enough like a pear. Also, one can't stare at the scenes where the helicopters, fighter jets, and flying saucer are flying through the sky without thinking, "I can see the blue screen for chrissakes!"

In closing, Godzilla 2000 is a movie for people that are a fan of the giant lizard and his movies. I myself enjoyed it, but only because I like to see stuff get destroyed.

Overall: 3 1/2 stars out of 5

The Tom Green Show (1999– )

Better in Canada

[19 August 2000]

No offense to my friends to the south (America), but MTV's "The Tom Green Show" does not do the original show justice.

Granted, its still over the top hilarious, but in Canada, the show was completely uncensored. Tom was completely free to be as crazy as he wanted to be without having anything censored. A few of his segments that originally aired in Canada have aired on the American show with language and other stuff cut out. That sucks!

Tom, on behalf of all your fans in Canada, please come back and do your show here the way we remembered it. Or at least do your show on a network that will let you get away with a little more stuff than now (who knew MTV had a standards and practices department).

And to you American viewers who are interested in the original Tom Green Show, I highly recommend you look for the following videos featuring the best of the original Tom Green Show:

"Something Smells Funny", "Tonsil Hockey", and "Road Kill" on VHS, and "Endangered Feces" on DVD.

Thank you.

Titus (2000–2002)

Putting the "FUN" in "DysFUNctional"

[21 June 2000]

After years of okay shows and assorted crap, Titus is certainly a breath of fresh air.

The premise of the show is certainly unique. Comedian Christopher Titus narrates various stories loosely based on real life events, while supporting them with a string of humorous flashbacks. Titus' family, to put it kindly, is pretty damn dysfunctional, and those of us who haven't had to deal with such problems find it amusing, (though a little sad at times too). Chris Titus put it best in a recent episode when he stated, "Studies show that nearly 60% of American families are dysfunctional. That means WE'RE in the majority! When armageddon happens, all the so-called 'normal' families will be panicking, while the dysfunctional families will be thinking, 'No one's watching the Cadillac dealerships!'"

Don't be afraid of Titus because its another sitcom based on the act of a comedian. Chris Titus' comedy act is unique, and so is the show that is his namesake. I'm so glad that its been picked up for next season. Give it a chance. You'll be happy you did.

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars.

Talk Soup (1991–2002)

The Happiest Show on TV

[15 April 2000]

For years, I had heard of this show. But living in Canada, I was unable to see it. Then, in the summer of 1998, I vacationed in New Jersey, and saw my first "Talk Soup". I thought it was hilarious!

Recently, the Star! Network (Canada's answer to E!) was added to my cable package, so I now I watch "Talk Soup" every Friday. Its still hilarious! I only saw one episode with John, but I still find Hal amusing. I never knew what Greg was like, but based on what others have said, I'm sorry I never found out.

The Rosie O'Donnell Show (1996–2002)

Bland, Watered Down, and Annoying

[14 November 1999]

If I ever understand why this show is so popular, I think I will understand everything there is to know about people.

I would like to stress that if you are a fan of Rosie O'Donnell's show, that you stop reading this review right now, because you are going to hate it with a passion! I am about to tear into Ms. O'Donnell and her show after this sentence, so I suggest you leave now before I offend you.

Now, if you're still here, then you mustn't mind my upcoming Rosie bashing. If you do, than it's your own fault, cuz I warned you. Where do I begin in what I call the worst talk show in the history of television? Let's see, how about the host.

Rosie O'Donnell, as many of you know, was an actress in movies for several years, and in this format, I don't really mind her. In fact, I even saw "The Flintstones" more than once, (Though she would not have been my first choice to play Betty Rubble) In addition to films, she also did some acting on Broadway, like I care! Now, she hosts the worst talk show I have ever seen, and I've seen "The Howard Stern Radio Show" and "Open Mike with Mike Bullard!!"

Granted, the show is on in the day time, therefore it has to be cleaned up a bit. But this show is way too clean for my likes. The comedy is for babies, and the ranting is for yuppies and old people. In the era when most shows try to target an 18-30 demographic, Rosie said, "Nah! I want to appeal mostly to people with no teeth." Great! That leaves babies, old people, and the people of Branson, Missorui. (Sorry, that was one of Dennis Miller's).

Rosie also uses the show as her own personnal forum for expressing her opinions. While I usually aplaud this, it is not something I look for in a talk show. Also, kudos to Rosie for getting involved in so many chariatable organizations, but does she have to keep hitting us over the head with this fact? Fine Rosie, you're great, I'm a loser, are you happy?

Also, there's a limit to how many personal opinions one person can express, or so I thought. Recently, Rosie saw the film, "Fight Club", a film I had planned to go see. The day I was going to go see it, I happened to come across Rosie's show and for some insipid reason, I watched it. There was Rosie, saying how much she hated "Fight Club" and then, in an inforgivable action, announced the ending on the air, ruining the film for me and so many other people!! Why is this applauded? She should have known form the previews that she wouldn't have liked it, cuz it didn't have a namby pamby G rating.

In short, I hate this show! It is the worst Talk show in the history of television.

Overall rating: No stars (Kinda like most of her guests, eh?)

The Daily Show (1996– )

News with a Twist

[19 September 1999]

Before I begin, I need to clarify something.

In my recent reviews, I gave some movies 5 stars, and 2 1/2 stars. It should be noted that these were out of 5 stars, not ten stars like I did with my first couple of reviews. From now on, all my reviews will be out of five stars. I just wanted to clear that up.

Now with that out of the way, I am from Canada. That being said, I don't have Comedy Central up here. The first time I saw "The Daily Show with Craig Kilborne" was on a vacation to NYC in the summer of 1998. I only saw two episodes, but I found them both to be histarically funny and informative at the same time, although Craig's 5 questions seemed pretty lame, to be honest.

If you watch "The Daily Show with Jon Stewert" on a regular basis, then you are probably aware that the show now airs here in Canada, (as it was the topic of a recent episode). I enjoy the show a lot more with Jon Stewert. There just something about his brand of comedy that translates well into this often overlooked genre. And though I mean no disrespect to my fellow Canadians (and fellow Newfoundlanders in this case), the show is a lot funnier than our version of "The Daily Show", "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" ,(which actually came first).

If you've never seen "The Daily Show", here it is, broken down:

The show begins with Jon Stewert giving the news before a live audience, making it funnier as he goes. Afterwards, we may see an expose or two, then other news, and usually some other piece of informative comedy, though these things do not nececerelly run in this order. Then, Jon presents "4 minutes with..." which is a 4 minute interview with a well known celebritty. They come out, they chat, they plug something, and then they split, all in four minutes. Afterwards there maybe more news or exposes or whatever, then Jon closes the show with a piece of footage from the news, or as he calls it, "Your moment of Zen."

All in all, a good show. News with a twist. Funny and Informative at the same time. I'm glad its finally here in Canada.

Overall: 4 out of 5 stars.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

The funniest movie of all time, bar-none!!!!!

[8 September 1999]

Its been a while since I've seen "Monty Python & the Holy Grail", but having just reread some of its memorible quotes, I can tell you honestly that my stomach is hurting from laughing so hard!!

The plot of the film is loosly based on the legend of King Arthur and the knights of the round table. King Arthur (Graham Chapman) and his knights of Camelot, Sir Launcelot (John Cleese), Sir Galahad (Michael Palin), Sir Bedevere (Terry Jones), and Sir Robin (Eric Idle) are instructed by God to seek out the legendary goblet owned by Christ. From there, its non-stop laughter as the bumbling knights and king attempt to find the Holy Grail, but only succeed in fooling everything up and basically looking like idiots.

I decided to write a review of this movie since I learned that it is now being released on DVD. I can't wait until it comes out! I know I'm definetly going to rent this one! The move has produced some of the most memorible lines and scenes in film history, such as the bridge of death, the Knights who say "Ni!", and many, many, more. The only complaint I have about this film is the ending, which seemed forced posiblly from running out of ideas. But the bulk of the film more than makes up for the shoddy ending. If you're a fan of comedy, and have not seen this movie, than you are either a sad, sad, individual, or just missed the opportunity. Well, don't miss it again. Do yourself a favor and rent "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" tonight. You'll be glad you did.

Overall: 5 Stars

Bowfinger (1999)

M'eh.

[31 August 1999]

I saw this movie with high hopes, but I finished watching it with disappointment.

I figured, "Hey this movie stars Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy, two comic geniuses. It HAS to be good!" But thats how they suck you in!

Don't get me wrong. Bowfinger is not a bad film, its just not that good either. Mainly, I felt cheated since everybody on TV was singing the high praises of this film.

In particular is Jay Leno of NBC's "The Tonight Show". Whenever he'd have a cast member from Bowfinger on his show, he would bring up what he called the funniest scene in any summer movie this year. Said scene is Eddie Murphy running frantically on a freeway. While I did find this scene amusing, I would hardly call it the funniest in any summer movie this year. Take basically any scene in "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" or "American Pie", and they're still about ten times more funnier than that scene.

At least the basic plot of the film is simple to grasp. Bobby Bowfinger (Steve Martin) is a pathetic excuse for a film maker who opperates out of a run down shack. He's about to give up, until a fantastic screenplay comes across his desk. Unfortunatly, he doesn't have much money, so he hires some friends to star in it, and in order to get it distributed, he has to somehow get the hottest film star in the world, Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) to star in it. Naturally unable to do so, he and his crew simply follow Ramsey around with the camera and have their stars approch him with their lines, basically freaking him out. To patch up the gaps in the film, Bowfinger hires a small town actress named Daisy (Heather Graham), and a nerdy Kit Ramsy look-alike named Jiff (Murphy, in a duel role), who have some of the funniest scenes in the entire movie, (Bowfinger, not the one in the movie, don't get confused). However, that's not saying much.

All in all, Bowfinger is a decent movie, but if you can see anything better this summer, like Mystery Men or American Pie, you should see those instead.

Overall: 2 1/2 Stars

Mystery Men (1999)

Awesome Summer Superhero Flick!

[9 August 1999]

I went into this movie with high expectations. I'm pleased to say that they were all met!

I figured I would enjoy "Mystery Men" since it was about wannabe superheroes. As a kid, I myself was also a wannabe superhero. In fact, I'm now 18, and I still sorta am! Here's my personna; The Steamer. He carries a big iron full of water and shoots massive clouds of steam at the evil doers. (If you've ever taken a face full of steam, you know this isn't the most pleasent feeling in the world.) That's who I would've been if I were chosen to be in this movie, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Oh well, that's probably for the best.

Anyway, the actual Mystery Men are perhaps more interesting than The Steamer. There's Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller) who lets his temper do the talking, The Shoveler (William H. Macy) who is good at shoveling and therefore decided to become a superhero, Blue Raja (Hank Azaria) who talks with a phony British accent and hurls cutlery with pinpoint accuracy, Invisible Boy (Kel Mitchell) who becomes transparent as long as nobody looks at him, The Spleen (Paul Reubens) who passes highly toxic gas, The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo) who throws a bowling ball containing a deceased reletive's skull, and The Sphinx (Wes Studi) who can slice guns with his mind, and despenses cryptic wisdom.

"Mystery Men" is based on a graphic novel be Dark Horse comics. I can't say I've ever read the comic though. If it was anything like "The Mask", then I can only assume that the Mystery Men were a bunch of psycotic cop killers, but I doubt that very much. If I ever get a chance to read the story, I will, but for now, I can honestly tell you that the film the comic book is based on is a very well done film. The story is excellent, the special effects are incredible, and the cast are among the hippest bunch I've ever seen. How hip are they, you ask? Here's how hip: Four members of the cast (Stiller, Garofalo, Reubens, and Mitchell) appeared on a recent edition of the USA program "WWF: Raw is War" in order to promote their film. You can't get any cooler than that.

Overall, I give Mystery Men 9 out of 10 stars. It is definitely worth your 8 bucks!

Dennis Miller Live (1994–2002)

ROTFLMHO!!!!!

[3 August 1999]

Before I start my review of this program, I should probably mention a few things first.

First of all, I live in Canada. Therefore, we only got Dennis Miller Live earlier this year. Here in Canada, the HBO program airs on a channel known appropriately enough as "The Comedy Network" as comedy is the only genre it deals with. (Its basically the Canadian version of Comedy Central, except no bad movies)

Here is the unfortunate part. You see, The Comedy Network is supported by airing comercials like most channels are. However, Dennis Miller Live does not air commercials. For this reason, some material has to be cut for the Canadian airing to make room for advertisements (here in Canada, the show is sponsored by Volkswagon). Fortunately, the producers only cut what they find to be the least funniest moments, (this includes the closing credits). Unfortunatly, this editing and shipment takes 8 days, therefore, episodes air 8 days after there original airdate on HBO. It is a pain, but I've pretty much gotton over it.

Now on to my review. I think this is one of the most funniest programs on TV today. For those of you who have never seen the show, here's the basic overview. The program begins with Dennis making one quick comment about something going on in the world today. After that, the opening titles roll. Following the titles, Dennis presents a typical talk show-esque monolouge (albeit, with abrasive language wherever Dennis can find a place to put it.) Following the monologue is something known as The Rant. As its name suggests, Dennis begins a pre-writen rant on a particular topic. He begins by saying, "I don't want to get off on a rant here, but..." (famous last words) and always finishes with "...Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong," which is a line that I'm sure he only uses to avoid lawsuits, but its funny too. After his rant, Dennis brings out a guest. Normally, this guest is on tour promoting a movie or TV show or book or whatever, but on Dennis' show, they are usually just there to chat. People call in at this time and chat with Dennis and the guests as well. The topic they chat about is usually the same topic of the rant. After this is over, the show closes with The Big Screen, or as Dennis calls it, "I gotta go do the news." In The Big Screen, Dennis presents pictures from various newspapers devoid of their origianl stories. Dennis then gives his own amusing line for it (Example:A picture of Bill and Hillary Clinton, in which Bill is holding the side of his face prompts the following line from Dennis, "Message received, Hillary. Could you please let go of the left one now?" As soon as the show is done he announces his infamous line from SNL's Weekend Update: "Folks, that's the news, and I AM OUTTA HERE!!"

What I like about Dennis Miller Live is that, although it is a comedy show, more than half the stuff that Dennis talks about are true. While he rants about a particular topic, you can't help but laugh , and then say, "Hey, he's right!" Its funny, 'cuz its true, which has always been Dennis Miller's style of comedy. Overall, I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Excellent, JUST excellent!!!

[4 July 1999]

I had the good fortune of seeing this film on the day it came out, and I was absolutely blown away! IT ROCKS!!!! If you only see one film this summer,... then see "American Pie." On the other hand, if you see TWO movies this summer, make the other one "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut." Just about everything in this film is great, from its saucy title to its obscene amount of obscenities. I'll have to rent this movie when it comes out on video, 'cause the people in the theater were laughing so much, I missed some of the jokes. Its hilarious and even a bit touching at times. My only complaint is that they rip on Canada a little too much, (I am Canadian, after all). That aside, I loved it. Go see it right now if you haven't already!!!