joelbklyn Reviews

The Cat Creeps (1946)

Total Nincompoopery

[2/10 · 30 June 2011]

THE CAT CREEPS is a non-gripping potboiler of a way-below-low-budget whodunit, whose only "suspense" lies in anticipating the next mirthless groan you're likely to emit when wisecracking reporter Noah Beery, Jr. (a poor man's Oscar Levant) delivers -- for the sake of comic relief -- the next in a series of irksome little quips.

One would have to be from another planet not to surmise at the outset who the likely killer is (hint: it's the short, "rodent-faced" one with the mustache (a poor man's Lionel Atwill)), who, more often than not, appears in films as the villain).

There's an admittedly delightful, teeny-weeny surprise at the very end, which -- though it does nothing whatsoever to redeem this dreary, slipshod-produced piece of tripe -- is apt to cause you to shoot up from your seat and applaud wildly the one and only moment where the film manages to offer the least vestige of creativity. I won't spoil this "bombshell" for you, but I will say this: It was far kinder of me to suggest above who the murderer is than to, well...let the (creeping) cat out of the bag (so to speak) in this case.

(Incidentally, the only reason I acquired this Grade "C" film was for the nostalgic (addictive?) need for bringing to further completion my beloved collection of Universal Horror films, which, long ago, as some of you will surely recall, used to air on TV's Shock Theater.)

Thunder Pass (1954)

It's the Music -- and Little Else

[6/10 · 26 April 2011]

THUNDER PASS is a typical, run-of-the-mill Western that certainly won't kill you to watch it.

As a child, I was enchanted -- and still am! -- by the film's captivating march-like theme, played whenever the settlors and cavalry could be seen trudging through the desert to escape from Injuns on the warpath. If you're as sensitively attuned to film score music as I am, you absolutely must get ahold of THUNDER PASS, if, for nothing else, than to hear for yourself these haunting strains.

Unfortunately, the music must have been pilfered from other films, for no mention of the composer(s) is provided; although Edward J. Kay is credited as its musical director.

A Perfect Day (2006 TV Movie)

Typical Lifetime Channel Fare

[4/10 · 22 April 2011]

"A Perfect Day" is tolerably preachy, tolerably predictable, tolerably sentimental -- and provides a perfect (mind-wandering) way to wile away 90 minutes with your eyes half-glued to the TV set (and possibly wishing Rob Lowe were 20 years younger).

The "guardian angel" surprise at the end (if not all that convincing) was appreciably clever enough to allow me to award the film three generous stars.

Without expecting anything intellectually challenging or profound, go right ahead and watch it once -- then make a gift of it to a simpering relative.

Invisible Ghost (1941)

The One Redeeming Feature of This Piece of Tripe

[2/10 · 21 April 2011]

What a pathetic, degrading waste of talent on the part of actor Bela Lugosi, cast ludicrously in what comes close to equaling such bottom-of-the-barrel schlock as BRIDE OF THE MONSTER. And yet...and yet...

...if you love Lugosi's mellifluous, Hungarian-accented intonations (as I do), just sit back and ignore (or "enjoy") the film's imbecilic dialogue, implausible plot, stilted acting, and utterly hilarious direction, and allow yourself to be carried away by the erstwhile treasured voice that gave Bela Lugosi the fame and stature he so rightfully deserved back in the 30s from such memorable films as THE RAVEN, THE BLACK CAT, THE INVISIBLE RAY, SON OF FRANKENSTEIN and, of course, Dracula.

Click (2006)

Thank Heaven's for Fast-Forward

[1/10 · 18 June 2007]

Harried workaholic Michael Newman (Adam Sandler) is given a "universal" remote control, by Morty (Christopher Walken) that allows him to (1) REWIND time, (2) JUMP FORWARD in time, (3) SUSPEND time altogether. Unfortunately, the audience is given no such device that might blessedly allow it to SUSPEND its strained credulity, which screen writers Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe tax beyond all tolerable limits.

After forty-five minutes of cloying tedium from this fatuous (worse-than-juvenile), INCREDIBLY UNFUNNY comedy -- the "plot" never thickens...only sickens -- I called it quits.

Please do NOT try to contact me with "kind" offers to disclose the ending of this soporific piece of confection. I've been soundly punished by it enough.

Joel Kovacik

The Twilight Zone: One More Pallbearer (1962) Season 3, Episode 17

One of Serling's Memorable Masterpieces!

[10/10 · 14 May 2007]

Joseph Wiseman -- using his trademark, smarmy elocution -- portrays revenge-seeking, multi-millionaire Paul Radin, an unscrupulous coward, who devises a bizarre setting in which he seeks to elicit an abject apology from a former grade school teacher, a priest, and an army officer, each of whom "humiliated" him (i.e., justifiably called him to account for his dishonorable ways) during the course of his deceitful life. So long as these erstwhile tormentors are willing to humble themselves by begging his forgiveness, the "beneficient" Mr. Radin will allow them to remain with him, safe and secure, in his underground bomb shelter -- free from the nuclear devastation about to occur hundreds of feet above them.

The script's trenchant dialogue bears a stylistic resemblance to that of the late, brilliant author Ayn Rand, who (with reservations) admired Rod Serling.

This Twilight Zone episode is an absolute must-see! Its haunting plot twist at the end is likely to remain with you forever!

Blonde Venus (1932)

Okay From an Historical Point of View

[4/10 · 24 July 2006]

Well...there were some great, creamy-smooth facial shots of Marlene, along with her "shocking", gender-bender outfit (plus her not-to-be-missed "transmogrification" from ape into human being); but, overall, the generally unconvincing plot and dated acting -- not to mention the less than engaging tunes coming from Miss Dietrich's "baritone" voice --did little to ensure Blonde Venus a permanent place in my mind's Pantheon of Memorable Films. Cary Grant -- still in the throes of cinematic infancy -- seemed as though he was forever looking to "find himself", while Herbert Marshall was probably never anything BUT Herbert Marshall from the day he was born, until the day he died. Naturally, from an historical point of view, Blonde Venus was fun to watch, so long as one was able to put aside..."great expectations".

The Ice Harvest (2005)

Nothing to Reap from THIS "Harvest"

[1/10 · 5 June 2006]

Pointlessness strives for -- and attains to -- new (sociopathic) heights in this twisted, pulp-fiction piece of shameless stupidity. Practically everybody gets slaughtered in this artless film noir, but the real victims to feel sorry for are the poor audience members, who innocently came to see the film, expecting to get their money's worth.

How allegedly creative talents in Hollywood can exult in depicting such unconscionable depravity (as if we didn't already have a surfeit of such) is quite beyond my understanding. If culture is an accurate barometer of the direction in which a society is headed, then God help us.

ICE HARVEST -- worthless on all counts!

Joel Kovacik

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Doesn't Quite Hit the Mark

[4/10 · 2 June 2006]

VANILLA SKY (136 minutes in length) was far too long...far too tedious...far too often exasperatingly confusing for the "message" it had to deliver. The concept, however, was actually quite (sci-fi-ishly) captivating, despite the fact it had already been presented before via "The Outer Limits" and "Amazing Stories" (i.e., cryogenic freezing in conjunction with lucid dreaming). If you haven't seen VANILLA SKY already, well...if you're a rabid Tom Cruise fan, you just might be able to raise your tolerance level high enough, so that (unlike this writer) you won't have to sit through the film nervously fidgeting and fast-forwarding -- and wishing, at the end, it had managed to live up to its full potential.

Joel Kovacik

Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory (1961)

You'll Need to Take No-Doz to Get Through This One

[2/10 · 10 May 2006]

Except for the inspired transformation scene from man into beast, which I found metaphysically beautiful -- hey, only a horror aficionado can comprehend such a seemingly contradictory attribution -- this dreary piece of schlock artfully demonstrates to what dismal depths of tedium a film can sink, given the right combination of ineptness on the part of its clumsy direction, brainless script and a bargain-basement assortment of mannequins posing as actors. The ludicrous background music -- the worst ever composed (and performed, I suspect, by an "orchestra" of one) -- vividly calls to mind a constipated Peter Cottontail stalking (something or other) down the Bunny Trail.

But listen: For high camp...for sneering hoots of derision...for a film that rivals PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE and NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST -- in a nutshell, for a lesson on how NOT to make a horror film, WEREWOLF IN A GIRL'S DORMITORY is indispensable.

Own it at all costs! (BIG GRIN)

Joel Kovacik

The Cabinet of Caligari (1962)

Attention, film score lovers: Don't miss this one!

[8/10 · 11 January 2005]

I was an impressionable 17-year-old back in 1962 when CALIGARI shocked the living daylights out of me. And to this day -- though, naturally, to a far lesser (suspenseful) degree (and despite some of its obvious flaws) -- I can still sit through a performance of this haunting film in nearly rapt attention.

The main reasons for this are twofold: (1) The ever present youth in me can be easily summoned, so that contextually I am back in the early '60s, eager to reimmerse myself in the intensity of the dark psychodrama about to be played out, and blithely unencumbered by the need for (or expectation of) today's technologically superior special effects; and (2) Gerald Fried's ubiquitous, compelling film score music (especially the bittersweet main theme, played repeatedly in a multitude of beguiling variations) adds an immeasurable degree of enjoyment to this sadly underrated film.

Fortunately, the commercial-free Fox Movie Channel has featured THE CABINET OF CALIGARI, which has been, for the most part, unavailable for purchase by the general public.

The Werewolf (1956)

It's full potential is never realized

[16 March 2003]

When I saw this film for the first time at the tender, prepubescent age of 10, I was petrified beyond belief. Now, I suppose, the kindest thing I can say about THE WEREWOLF -- which still retains a chilling degree of atmosphere -- is that it's certainly nowhere near as bad as WEREWOLF IN A GIRLS' DORMITORY (despite the superior transformation scene of the latter).

Steven Ritch (as Duncan Marsh) brings an even greater depth of sympathy to the role than his better well-known predecessor, Lon Chaney, Jr., but Ritch's make-up, along with his unconvincing transformation from man into beast, recalls (much to the film's detriment) the almost cutesy looking Andreas from RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE. (One would have hoped that "werewolf technology" in the cinema would have made more significant strides between 1943 and 1956.) Nonetheless, I awarded this film a solid 5, based on Ritch's memorable performance and, again, because of the film's striking atmosphere.

Joel Kovacik