whynotwriteme Reviews

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

All style and no substance.

[3/10 · 26 September 2015]

Lots of action and cool vehicles and crazy post-apocalyptic freaks but flat, uninteresting characters, no good dialogue and a boring, simplistic story.

The fat-lipped inexpressive Tom Hardy has absolutely ZERO charisma compared to Gibson's Mad Max. Calling him Mad Max was basically pointless, as he was more of a supporting character to Furiosa and the film was not really about him. The Mad Max character could have been anyone. None of the other characters were very well developed except maybe Nux and Furiosa.

My theory is that Miller actually looks at this as a reboot with a FEMALE Mad Max, Imperator (Max) Furiosa (Mad). Imperator Furiosa in this film is far more like the familiar Mad Max character we know than Hardy's character. Miller pulled a real sneaky one here.

If you are an ADHD suffering video game junkie then I guess this is an amazing movie, but if you like stupid, useless boring old- fashioned stuff in movies like stories, fleshed out characters you can identify with and memorable dialogue you will probably be very disappointed.

Watching this was like playing a video game for two hours, or rather watching someone else play the game.

Slow West (2015)

If you're a hipster whose only exposure to westerns is Dead Man, you'll love it.

[4/10 · 14 August 2015]

I did laugh at the "salt in the wound" scene but for the most part I found this forced and self-consciously artsy and obscure and for the most part pointless and random with no real link to anything remotely accurate about the American West. At least when the Italians re- invented the western they did so in a raw, honest and enthusiastic manner. This is just another twist on the recent "Bleeding Cowboys" sub-genre of unrealistic yet "gritty" Gothic westerns.

Absinthe drinking bounty hunters, a Congolese singing trio, one in a wheelchair miles from nowhere in the wilderness, a ruthless bounty hunter who adopts a naive lovestruck boy, Aborigine like forest dwelling mud-smeared Indians in "Colorado"... Sure, whatever.

Along Came a Spider (2001)

SOMEBODY SQUASH IT, QUICK!!!

[1/10 · 11 April 2001]

Go to a grocery store and buy a piece of limburger cheese. Hold it under your nose for 90 minutes while inhaling deeply. That's the olfactory equivalent of watching this film. I can't imagine any reason other than contractual obligations why Morgan Freeman would agree to be an accessory to this. From the soporific sequence in which Freeman and his blonde mannequin like partner drone on and on for what seems like hours, to the lame, cliched games of the kidnapper (including a direct ripoff of Dirty Harry) to the absolutely ludicrous 'plot twist' which seemed as if they ran out of script before they had 90 minutes worth of story, to the endless mouthing of the kidnapper's name, ("Soneji! Soneji! Soneji!" over and over and over) and especially the idiotically contrived scene in which Freeman guesses a password, complete with the use of '&' instead of 'and' on the FIRST TRY, this 'movie' absolutely reeked. If I was a director and had dropped this turd of a film, I would have credited it to Allen Smithee and gone back to working in a video store. Don't go and see this. Remember the names of the director, Lee Tamahori and the screenwriter, Marc Moss and boycott all of their future 'work'. Do this and you may strike a small blow for good movie making.

Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)

Think Of Titan A.E. As Heavy Metal 2000 Instead.

[14 September 2000]

Much less satisfying than the original Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal 2000 seems insubstantial by comparison. I made the mistake of watching the original the day before seeing '2000. I probably would have enjoyed myself a bit more if I had not. The sequel seems very self conscious, as if the film makers were trying SO hard to make a cult favorite, but never quite getting it right. My friends and I quoted dialogue from Heavy Metal for years, but I can't remember a single line from the sequel. The animation was so so, and quite bad in long shots of the characters walking. I HATED the CGI creature at the end. He looked like he just crawled out of a Sony Playstation. The use of music was uninspired. In the original film, entire songs were heard. Here we just get song fragments. The best song on the soundtrack, 'Infinity' by Queens Of The Stone Age was completely wasted, with only a few bars from the end of the tune included in the film. Most of the other music was monotonous, boring thrash metal, which did not fit the mood of the scenes being played. The original had lots of old '70s style music, but at least it set the right mood. If anyone ever does another Heavy Metal Movie, they should use modern 'Stoner' style rock from bands like Orange Goblin and Electric Wizard and Goth rock from Fields of The Nephilim and Sisters Of Mercy. Julie Stain makes a really pretty cartoon, (Watch for her swimming and putting on armor in tribute to the Taarna segment of Heavy Metal One. This scene really shows the weakness of this film when compared with the original.) Michael Ironside has a great villainous voice. I enjoyed the lizardman army, the alien sex-droid, the french-kissing troll and Zeek the rock-creature, but all in all, this one will never sit as high as Heavy Metal part one. Titan A.E. was much closer in spirit, tone, and craftsmanship to the original Heavy Metal.

Summer of Sam (1999)

Racist, boring, inaccurate

[8 August 2000]

What would people say if Martin Scorsese decided to make a film about a group of Afro-Americans who were lazy pimps and chicken-thieves who ate watermelon and spoke in 'Yassuh Massuh.' accents? Would the film be banned? Would Scorsese be blacklisted and never be allowed to make another film? You bet!

Spike Lee, on the other hand, makes a film about a group of Italian-Americans who, as portrayed by Lee, can only be described with the 'W' word. These guys are the epitome of the worst, most shameful stereotypes of Italians. Lee revels in making them the slimiest Guidos you'll ever see on film. Nobody takes Lee to task for this, though. Lee's work of anti-Italian racism is labelled a masterpiece and a work of genius. Nice double standards!

The movie itself is looooooooooonnnnnnnng and booooooorrrrrriinggggg. We get to watch all these loathsome cartoon Italian-Americans engaging in all kinds of degrading behavior while the actor playing Son Of Sam shows up every half hour or so to roll around in his shabby room screaming for his neighbor's dog to stop barking. Nobody really looks like they are living in 1977. We never feel any sense of period. The punk rock character loves to listen to The Who, who were considered Boring Old Farts by real punks like The Sex Pistols. Lee sure didn't do much research!

The one redeeming feature is Mira Sorvino. She is so pretty, she almost made it worthwhile.

Titanic (1997)

Something's Missing

[10 March 2000]

Perhaps unique among time-travel science fiction in that there is no explanation given for these 1990s characters finding their way to 1912. The story begins with them in the past, but there is never any mention of a time machine or other device bringing them back. Obviously, they are not natives of the early 1900s, given their behaviour and speech, and I find it quite strange that James Cameron chose not to show us how they travelled back in time to 1912. He handled the time traveller angle much better in the Terminator films. Special effects are great, except when obviously CGI, which is often.

The White Buffalo (1977)

White Buffalo Not A White Elephant

[9/10 · 9 March 2000]

I was amazed that this film was on the bottom 20 IMDB list of westerns! Like Darrell1969, I too love this movie. Maybe Bronson was not the best choice for Wild Bill, (although he is a fine western star,) but the sets, dialogue, and the entire western/horror mood of this film are just great. If the buffalo is not 100% lifelike, well, just show me some CGI special effects that don't look fake! I would rather see the jerky robotic White Buffalo than some cartoon creature that looks like it hopped out of a Super Mario game! The frontier dialogue was the best and most realistic since 'True Grit', and the whole movie maintained a sense of wild west myth and strangeness. If you like westerns with a touch of dark, gothic mood, by all means watch The White Buffalo.

Freaks and Geeks (1999–2000)

Not quite 1980, but close.

[17 January 2000]

A great show, for the most part. Certainly miles ahead of all the 'beautiful people' teen shows, and far better than the mindless laughs of 'That 70's Show' but some important aspects of Geek culture of that era are missing.

Where, for instance, is Dungeons And Dragons? A true staple of early 80s Teen Geekery, this game ate up hundreds of hours that we Geeks should have been using to develop normal social and emotional lives. Add in arcade games and primitive home computers and you might have a better picture. I loved the scene where Samm Levine was quoting the film 'Dirty Harry'. 70's action movies on TV were a BIG part of the early 80s Teen Geek's life.

The Geeks look perfect, but some of the Freaks look too modern. Nobody had buzzcuts with long sideburns, for example. Poofy feathered helmet hair was more common among the Freaks of the early 80's. The Baby Boomer Woodstock burnout guidance counselor is uncanny! I had one exactly like him! On a final point: The term 'Geek' itself seems to be more of late 80s usage. We were called 'Nerds' thanks to the show Happy Days. Freaks And Geeks has such a ring to it, though.

El Condor (1970)

EXCITING EPIC WESTERN

[10/10 · 15 December 1999]

Extremely enjoyable western adventure in the classic style of the late 60s and early 70s. The plot concerns a pair of rogue adventurers who team up with a tribe of Apache Indians to steal a fortune in gold from a huge fortress in Mexico during the mid 1860s. The heroes are extremely well portrayed, with Jim Brown as Luke, in a pioneering performance for African American actors in the early 70s; a non racially specific heroic role. Brown displays the cool confidence he showed in 'The Dirty Dozen' and '100 Rifles', showing once again that he was one of the most underrated action heroes of the 60s and 70s. Lee Van Cleef is also superb. Going against his usual casting as a polished, cool villain, Van Cleef plays a scruffy ne'r-do-well named Jaroo, who is first seen spitting whiskey into the camera. In spite of Jaroo's greed and unsavory habits, he is still a very sympathetic character. Just watch the great scene where he gives a Mexican boy one of his prized gold nuggets. Other characters of note are Iron Eyes Cody as Santana, the Apache Chief, and Patrick O'Neal as Chavez, the cruel yet honorable commandanté of the Fortress of El Condor. Mariana Hill is stunning (and totally naked at one point!) as the mistress of Chavez, a fickle beauty with the power to make men or break them. The battles are truly epic in scope, particularily the scenes of the final assault on El Condor, with hundreds of Mexican soldiers and Apaches clashing in the courtyard of the immense fortress. The music by Maurice Jarré is wonderful. One of his best scores, along with 'Lawrence of Arabia' and 'The Professionals'. No one can say that 'El Condor' is a message movie, or socially relevant or challenging, but if you want an action packed western with larger than life heroes and villains, beautiful women and impossible odds, El Condor is the film for you! I have watched this film literally dozens of times since first sneaking into the living-room to catch it on the late show as a kid in 1979, and I never ever tire of it. I watch this film more often that 'The Wild Bunch', 'The Magnificent Seven' or 'The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly'! Buy a copy RIGHT AWAY!

Something Big (1971)

Old Fashioned Fun Western

[10/10 · 9 December 1999]

Whatever happened to light-hearted western movies like 'Something Big'? Now, whenever Hollywood manages to let a western slip out among the 'Die Hard' ripoffs and teen romances, they are always ponderous, grim, indictments of the murderous whiteman's persecution of indians or sombre stories about tormented gunslingers. By 90's movie standards, nobody in the Wild West seems to have ever cracked a smile. 'Something Big' is a movie from the good old days of politically incorrect westerns. Dean Martin plays a likeable outlaw with plans for something big to finish his career in the west. Plans involving a Gatling gun, a fortune in gold, a kidnapped wife of a cavalry officer, Apaches and Mexican bandidos galore. The movie has a cheerful adventurous mood to it, with all kinds of touches of atmosphere like Dean Martin's pet dog Scruffy, the skeleton propped up in the saloon, and the John Ford-like dialogue between Brian Keith as the cavalry officer and Ben Johnson as his scout. 'Something Big' has almost the same mood as a pirate movie, only set in the west. An exciting story with likeable scoundrels after a fabulous treasure. I remember seeing this on TV as a little kid and wishing my life could be like that of Dean Martin's character in this movie. If you love westerns and do not feel like watching a big important 'message' movie like Dances With Wolves or a revisionist gunfighter story like Unforgiven, you should try to find this film on TV. It is a shame that 'Something Big' never made it to video. Western fans need more fun, guilt-free entertainment. I disagree COMPLETELY with Leonard Maltin's review, and I am sure all other real western fans will too.