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Reviews
Casino Royale (2006)
My name is Bond. James Bond.
Hello, everyone. My name is Whifflebottom. Xandir P. Whifflebottom. Let me tell you about Casino Royale, one of the best James Bond films to date.
Bond (Daniel Craig) is the world's most dapper spy, on a mission to save the world from bad guys. He has a sexy partner, played not by Rachel McAdams or Charlize Theron, but by a stupid sissy named Eva Green.
So, has anyone found Rachel McAdams? BONG! BONG! BONG! BART! LISA! TIME FOR CHURCH! I'll take that as a yes.
Anyway, in the words of Midnight Rider, let's try to remember Rachel McAdams not as a Bond girl, but as that sexy woman who became a bride and was involved in a plane hijacking.
And has a boyfriend.
And has a boyfriend. Yes, we'll never forget that, will we? Open your heart-I got a load of big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill.
Anyway, Charlize Theron is exciting not as a Bond girl, but as an assassin named Aeon Flux. She descended as high distances.
JFK, blown away! Who is to teach us to fly! Fly, of course! Fly! Ninepence! I'm not dead!
Legally Blonde. Sally Ride. Rachel McAdams is a bride. Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland!
Rachel McAdams is not with James Bond. She is a serendipitous blonde. She plays a bride in a movie, you see. Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea!
I gotta go, everyone. Sayonara.
Serendipity (2001)
Serendipity's Musketeers
Hey, there, kids, I'm New York's own Amplification Warrior, here to tell you about a movie called Serendipity.
In the movie, Jonathan (John Cusack) and Sara (the ever-so-beautiful Kate Beckinsale) meet by serendipity, which of course is the name of this movie. The movie takes place in the greatest city in the world, New York City. It is Christmas Eve, and the couple meet in Bloomingdale's. Unfortunately the wedding they are about to plan was canceled. Oy, what a shame, kids.
Incidentally this movie is associated with 3 Musketeers candy bars for two reasons: 1. I watch a Serendipity video for Nickelback's "Far Away" for every 3 Musketeers bar I eat.
2. In the song, "Never a Day," a boy screams "3 Musketeers! Big on chocolate, not on fat!" Those who think Serendipity is a depressing movie are Masha, for the tag line is "Destiny with a sense of humor." That is all.
Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
This ain't what it's supposed to be!
Hello, Last Resort here. Let me tell you about a bad horror-science fiction movie that just isn't what it's supposed to be.
There is trouble in Noyo (wherever that is) and women are in panic, for aliens have arrived. You see, they have arrived from the deep to mate with women, not to kill them. So to see someone kill someone, we hired Mr. Burt Bacharach! I was hit...in the rear! Lizard licks his eyeballs! Never get hit...in the REAR! In order to kill, you have to see Selene in Underworld.
Uh, hello?! Selene kills werewolves, not humans! Oh, sorry.
Selene is flying down to unite her tribe. Eric the Cavalier is the master scribe. Hank the Ranger is the leader, you see. And you won't get out the county 'cuz you're damn ass free! Love from the Underworld. Love is free. And you won't get out the county 'cuz you're damn ass free!
Looking for Love (1964)
A Poem of Looking for Love
Hello, dear mortals. Last Resort here To tell about a film that made Carson fans cheer.
This movie is called Looking for Love. The audience has a butt, and up it they will shove. Connie Francis is such a beaut. She's sexy, plucky, and glamorous to boot.
This movie is a musical, you see. The girls will love it and give it glee. It takes place in a sunny beach. Uh-oh, guys, another security breach!
Johnny Carson had a lot of wit. He made one movie, and that was it. So to see more Carson, don't be a bore, Just go watch the Tonight Show on WNBC, Channel 4.
Darkness (2002)
This was one of my most subtle movies!
Hello. I am Carl Atomo, aka Captain Atomic of WWOR, Channel 9 in Secaucus, New Jersey, overlooking New York. Let me tell you about the most subtle movie I have ever seen.
In the 2004 Christmas vacation, I decided to see it when the Incredibles, which I saw the next week, was sold out. The ghosts invaded a house, but I was too busy laughing at "Cookie! If you like cookies, you'll love Cookie Crisp!" "Don't Bernie me! This little rat is GUILTY!" "Your cookies will be bald!" "Connect the dots, la-la-la-la-la!" "Rice-A-Roni! Mel-VIIIIIIIN!" "And there's Hayes! There's William Henry Harrison-I died in thirty days!" "With plane-listen!" and others. I decided to bail out, and my mom told me her husband was not happy after all that laughing. The one I did in Superman Returns was considered "just a little blip" by my dad. All in all, Darkness remains the most subtle movie I have ever seen. End of file.
50 First Dates (2004)
High Anxiety's Review of 50 First Dates
All right, all right, all right!! Greetings, Anxieteers around the world! They call me...High-yo-yo-yo-yo-iii Anxietyyyyyyyyyyyy! And I'm here to tell you about Adam Sandler and the Anxie-luscious Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. Let the games begin! Adam Sandler plays Henry, a fish boy by day who becomes a player by night, for Drew Barrymore, a.k.a. the girl from Scream who got killed by Ghostface, entered her life. But there is one condition in Lucy's life, Anxieteers. The poor Anxieteer has short-term memory loss and can't remember her life. Spirits of the Underworld, why have you abandoned her? Anyways, Rob Schnieder made a cameo that all female Anxieteers should enjoy. My mom's friend, Jen Leone, enjoys this flick, for she loves romantic comedies.
Until next time, this is High Anxiety reminding you, always have your memory ready for you when you go on a date. So long, Anxieteers!
Going Overboard (1989)
Adam Sandler gets digitized in this film!
Hello. I am Paul Raddick, a.k.a. Panic Attack of WTAF, Channel 29 in Philadelphia. Let me tell you about this god awful movie that powered on Adam Sandler's film career but was digitized after a short time.
Going Overboard is about an aspiring comedian played by Sandler who gets a job on a cruise ship and fails...or so I thought. Sandler encounters babes that like History of the World Part 1 and Rebound. The babes were supposed to be engaged, but, actually, they get executed by Sawtooth, the meanest cannibal the world has ever known. Adam Sandler fared bad in Going Overboard, but fared better in Big Daddy, Billy Madison, and Jen Leone's favorite, 50 First Dates. Man, Drew Barrymore was one hot chick. Spanglish is red hot, Going Overboard ain't Dooley squat! End of file.
Aquamarine (2006)
Aquamarine Gets Digitized!
Hello. I am Roland Voorhees, aka the Megaphone Wonder of WTTG, Channel 5 in Washington, D.C. Let me give you some quotes about this god awful movie called Aquamarine.
One more fat double-tall sugar-free latte with extra foam...and absolutely no Aquamarine! Who's one mermaid short of being a good flick? Bye-bye! I'm losing you. You're dropping out. You're out of range--and Aquamarine! Don't ever press your luck with the megaphone. BOOM! Go, Wonder! Well, I'm the Megaphone Wonder, and it ain't no joke-I'm taking Aquamarine and leaving it broke! And now, here's Megaphone Wonder with the Wonder Weather. Thank you, Jen. It appears we'll have patches of hail moving in today, especially around...your Aquamarine! Here, sheep. Come on. Baaaaaaaaaa! Wonder had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Wonder went, he made off with JoJo! Mermaid, mermaid, aye-ye-ye-ye, mermaid, mermaid! You better cry, 'cause Aquamarine bombed-cry, cry, cry! And finally...
It's good to have your Aquamariiiiine back again! Ladies and gentlemen, Megaphone Wonderette! That is all.
Date Movie (2006)
From Serenity to Sawtooth
Hello. I am Special Agent Roland Singerelli, aka Singe of WNYW, Channel 5 in New York. Let me tell you about a spoof that parodies romantic comedies and should be expelled.
Alyson Hannigan (she likes Spaceballs usually, but this is the History of the World Part 1 for her) plays Julia Jones, an unfortunate girl who finds her knight in shining armor, and that knight is...well, we'll call him Kevin Reynolds, aka Sawtooth. Instead of being touched by Serenity, a silky goddess, she is attacked by gags and unfunny cameos that Sawtooth sends. Hitch, one of them, was zing'd by ST himself. My mom's friend, Jen Leone, tried to see Date Movie, but she can't-it was so unfunny.
Let me tell you something, Date Movie. If you aren't ready to be engaged, then you are probably ready to be executed!! Sawtooth, get him! Date Movie, I truly hope you burn in hell!
Crossroads (2002)
Jen Leone for the Dark One
Hello. My name is Agent DX, MI-6. Let me tell you about Britney Spears' first film, a god awful movie that should be fit for a Dark One.
Crossroads is about three high school friends-one is little miss perfect, one is an engaged prom queen, and the other is a pregnant outcast that even Zaxxon could not save. They bury a time capsule and swear to open it on the night of their high school graduation. Like the box, this film should self-destruct immediately. Fire in the hole! Dan Aykroyd appears in this movie as the dad, but as Emperor Lumino said, he fared better in the Ghostbusters movies. I saw a clip of it on my 2004 camping trip, surrounded by Australian counselors. Its "Mimi, you're pregnant. What, are you just gonna be some big fat pregnant superstar?" just can't match Scarface's "Say hello to my little friend!" The latter is what a werewolf said to the friends before he killed them. Jen Leone, my mom's friend, had Legally Blonde, 13 Going on 30, and Miss Congeniality, but not this. She was told not to buy it. She listened, and so should you.
Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)
Cheaper by the Dozen for the Dark One
Hello. My name is Agent DX, MI-6. Let me tell you about a movie that is a god awful remake of the Lucille Ball movie. It is about a COast Guard Admiral who marries a beautician and has 18 kids, he of ten, she of eight. The mischief is bad, the jokes are bad, and Rene Russo is one bad girl. Whenever I hear Drake Bell scream "Fire!" the Dark One is summoned, and then I run. Me and my dad saw that at the Palisades Mall but-uh oh-we saw the entire movie, instead of bailing out of it, like most bombs. Dad said it was cute, but he didn't listen. I liked it, but the reviews were bad, and that was not fair. The wedding scene is the only one you should enjoy. This movie is the pits! It's not funny at all. So they sent him to a vet to cut off both his boa- boa- boa... Boy, that wasn't fun, fun, fun! He never learned you can have fun, fun, fun. But less is more! THey may ship you off to school, so rein it in a little! YOu can't spell fun without "U" in the middle! Human, this cat is currently in violation of...17 of your mother's rules. City morgue! Eighteen! Anyways, this movie is a lot-kids movie you should not see. I didn't listen, and neither should you.