BA_Harrison Reviews

Summer of Secrets (1976)

My God! I can't stand any more of this!

[2/10 · 8 May 2024]

Young couple Steve and Kym (Andrew Sharp and Nell Campbell) chance upon the home of mad doctor Beverley Adams (Arthur Dignam) and his assistant Bob (Rufus Collins), who are planning to bring the scientist's cryogenically-frozen wife Rachel (Kate Fitzpatrick) back to life.

This summary for Jim Sharman's Summer of Secrets sounds a lot like the director's earlier cult hit The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but the two films couldn't be more different: Summer of Secrets has none of Rocky Horror's energy, vibrancy, memorably colourful characters or energetic musical numbers: where Rocky Horror has rightfully gained an army of devoted fans who have the film on repeat, Summer of Secrets now wallows in obscurity, and deservedly so, the film being an overlong, incredibly dull and repetitive snooze-fest, one watch being more than enough.

The presence of 'Little Nell' Campbell prevents me from giving the film the lowest possible rating (she's a doll), but, as the sign says in Rocky Horror, 'Enter at your own risk!!'.

The Haunting of Julia (1977)

Don't choke near Mia...

[6/10 · 7 May 2024]

Full Circle is a slow-burn ghost story, one that relies on atmosphere and intrigue over cheap scare tactics. The film stars Mia Farrow as Julia Lofting, whose marriage breaks down after the death of her daughter Katie (a scene that will have you screaming 'Heimlich manoeuvre' at the screen). After Julia moves into a new home, she begins to experience strange occurrences that lead her to investigate the history of the building's previous occupants. As Julia slowly unravels the mystery, several of her friends and acquaintances meet sudden deaths. Is the ghost of an evil young girl responsible?

Mia Farrow, no stranger to the horror genre (her previous scary movies being Rosemary's Baby and See No Evil), puts in a great central performance as the emotionally fragile Julia, and she is supported by an excellent cast that includes Tom Conti as her best friend Mark (kind but very stupid -- who puts an electric lamp precariously above their bath?), Keir Dullea as Julia's husband Magnus, and Anna Wing as medium Mrs. Flood, plus minor roles for Peter Sallis and Nigel Havers. Director Richard Loncraine handles the story well, gradually building the eeriness, but ends his film with an ambiguous scene that could very well frustrate many viewers: Julia dies with two wounds on her neck (presumably from the cymbals on the clockwork toy she is holding) -- were they self inflicted, the woman finally allowing grief to get the better of her, or is she another victim of the malevolent spirit? I haven't the foggiest.

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for the excellent cinematography and the effective score.

Face of Darkness (1976)

Not short enough.

[1/10 · 5 May 2024]

It might clock in at less than an hour, but The Face of Darkness took me at least twice that long to finish watching because I had to take frequent breaks from the boredom. The film feels like the product of a pretentious film student: technically inept, turgid, pompous poppycock with atrocious acting.

Lennard Pearce (Grandad from Only Fool and Horses) plays a British politician who proposes a new draconian public order bill that would reintroduce capital punishment for crimes of terrorism. Realising that getting this bill through parliament might prove difficult, he puts into motion a somewhat unusual plan to drum up public support: he resurrects the body of a medieval man excommunicated by the church and gets him to carry out a terrorist attack, killing a schoolgirl by planting a bomb in a school playground.

While this unique plot sounds fairly intriguing, the reality is that The Face of Darkness is 58 minutes of complete and utter unmitigated toss that becomes more and more obtuse and mind-numbingly tedious as it progresses. It should come as no surprise to learn that this was the first and last film to be directed by Ian F. H. Lloyd, who presumably went on to explore pastures new, well away from the creative arts.

1/10. If you really want to watch Grandad Trotter snogging a centuries-old dead man or see what actress Gwyneth Powell did before playing Mrs McClusky in Grange Hill, then this is the film for you, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Infested (2023)

Nightmare fuel for arachnophobes.

[7/10 · 5 May 2024]

I'm not one of those crazy people who say that spiders are our friends. I hate them. I say squash them, stomp them, crush the ugly little buggers. If you're also not a fan of the eight-legged beasties, think twice before watching French creature feature Infested, which is guaranteed nightmare fuel for arachnophobes.

The film stars Théo Christine as Kaleb, who collects creepy crawlies; unfortunately, his latest acquisition, a rare African spider, quickly escapes and gives birth to hundreds of more spiders, which then rapidly grow and multiply. Pretty soon, the rundown apartment building where Kaleb lives is over-run by deadly arachnids and placed under quarantine, with Kaleb and his friends trapped inside.

The plot for Infested is fairly routine for the genre, but it does what is required of it, namely set up the film for plenty of edge-of-the-seat moments designed to make the viewer feel as uneasy as possible. Director Sébastien Vanicek delivers maximum terror, combining real spiders and impressive CGI for memorable set-pieces that will have those brave enough to watch squirming in their seats.

Admittedly, Infested does run out of steam a little in the final act when the cops show up and matters get seriously out of hand, and one character's decision to open a door and release the spiders is highly questionable, but given what has gone before I am willing to cut the film a bit of slack: it's not often that a horror film makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976)

Mid-tier blaxploitation horror.

[6/10 · 4 May 2024]

Henry Pride (Bernie Casey) is a successful yet altruistic black doctor who develops a serum that he hopes will cure liver disease; when he tests the formula on himself, he transforms into a white psycho who kills prostitutes and pimps.

Although, at face value, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is a trashy example of blaxploitation horror, it does attempt to explore deeper themes that would have resonated with its intended black audience. With Dr. Pride transforming into a bestial white man, the film equates whiteness with power and corruption, a belief understandably held by many in the black urban underclass; it also explores the idea of black guilt over attaining success and status in a predominantly white profession, and likens the doctor's repeated use of his serum to drug addiction, an issue that affects the poor and underprivileged. There's plenty to dig into if you enjoy films with social commentary...

But what about the more 'fun' aspects of the film?

Let's start with the obvious: Mr. Hyde's appearance. White face paint and some light prosthetics work does not convincingly turn a black man into a caucasian, and the scenes in which the transformed Dr. Pride is mistaken for a 'honky' are hilarious. The make-up was created by FX legend Stan Winston, but it is far from his best work.

Mr. Hyde throwing people around like rag dolls: extremely comical, but hugely entertaining.

Silky the pimp: I love a stereotypical pimp and Silky ticks all of the boxes.

The nudity, courtesy of Marie O'Henry as Linda, the hooker with a heart: no exploitation film is complete without gratuitous T&A and Linda's completely naked health checks at the free clinic are about as gratuitous as it gets. If Dr. Pride wasn't so kind and upstanding, I'd be questioning his ethics...

Johnny Pate's funky soundtrack.

The King Kong inspired finalé that sees Mr. Hyde scaling the Watts Towers (one of LA's more unusual landmarks).

Better than Blackenstein and Scream Blacula Scream, but not as enjoyable as Abby or Blacula, this is mid-tier blaxploitation horror that can be commended for addressing social issues along with its escapism. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for IMDb.

The Devil's Men (1976)

Cushing and Pleasence and three hot blondes.

[6/10 · 4 May 2024]

While it is true that Land of the Minotaur (AKA The Devil's Men) suffers from a meandering script in which not a lot happens, let us not forget that it stars two heavyweights of the horror genre who rarely disappoint: Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing help prevent the film from being a total waste of time.

It doesn't hurt either that there are three sexy blondes on hand to deliver some very welcome T&A: Jane Lyle as the (always naked) girlfriend of private detective Milo (Kostas Karagiorgis); Vanna Reville as archaeologist Beth, who spends a lot of the time in very short shorts and who has a brief sex scene; and busty Luan Peters as Laurie, who also strips off (for a bath scene) and whose shorts are just as teeny as Reville's. Call me easily pleased if you want.

Pleasence plays Irish priest Father Roche, who lives in a Greek town where the Minotaur-worshipping locals, led by Baron Corofax (Cushing), sacrifice young vacationing couples to their deity; in return, the Mintotaur's followers become impervious to harm. With the help of detective Milo, Father Roche tries to defeat the pagan cult before they can carry out any more sacrifices.

That's about it for the plot - the majority of the film feels like padding, but the finalé is fun as Roche and Milo infiltrate the cult's lair armed with a cross and holy water, the only things that can destroy the villains (who explode when splashed with the holy water!).

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for Jane Lyle - I wish she had been in it more.

The Demon Lover (1976)

Bad but not unwatchable.

[5/10 · 3 May 2024]

Satanist Laval Blessing (Christmas Robbins, looking like James Hetfield circa 1990, after he's eaten a whole load of pies) holds a party for his coven, but when he insists on them all getting naked to participate in an orgiastic ritual, they decide to leave. Miffed, Laval (and the one woman willing to strip for the occasion) summons a demon to take revenge on his disloyal followers.

This low-budget independent horror features atrocious acting, a terrible script, dreadful photography, and a hilariously bad demon (big horns, big fangs, and big red eyes), but it is thanks to its ineptness in all departments that it proves to be quite watchable. Films this bad are what fans of z-grade horror live for, and this one doesn't disappoint, delivering such delights as a totally pointless karate training session in which Laval gets kicked in the goolies, a poorly choreographed bar brawl, three girls having a play-fight with canned cream, and Frank Zappa being shot in the crotch with a crossbow.

Director Donald G. Jackson (Hell Comes To Frogtown) blissfully ignores the fact that no-one in his film can act (even Gunnar Hansen, in a brief cameo, ain't great), giving us numerous bloody but unconvincing death scenes guaranteed to have viewers in stitches. Not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but for those with a particular mind-set, it'll prove a fun way to waste seventy or so minutes.

4.5/10, rounded up to 5 for IMDb.

Tarot (I) (2024)

I was The Fool for going to see this.

[2/10 · 2 May 2024]

Tarot is the latest teen horror to hit the big screen, but the film is completely undeserving of a cinematic release.

I could tell from the trailer that the film wouldn't be great, but I was unprepared for just how bad it actually was. It feels a lot like something from well over twenty years ago: the 'teenagers unable to escape fate' story line is highly reminiscent of Final Destination while its variety of creepy killers reminded me of Thir13en Ghosts - only it isn't anywhere near as good as either of those films.

Directors Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg take the easy route by delivering predictable jump scares accompanied by very loud noises, and it soon gets very tiresome and repetitive. Unlike Final Destination and Thir13en Ghosts, Tarot doesn't even provide viewers with gory death scenes - all of the kills are extremely tame and most are off screen. The teal and orange colour scheme adds to the dated feel, and there is an over-reliance on CGI.

A more unoriginal and forgettable horror movie it is hard to imagine - this is a serious contender for worst horror release of the year so far (and that's saying something).

The Premonition (1975)

I had a premonition that this would suck.

[2/10 · 2 May 2024]

The Premonition feels like it has been heavily and sloppily edited in order to bring it in at a reasonable runtime; that's the only reason I can think of for it being so erratic and so baffling.

The plot sees foster parents Sheri and Miles Bennett (Sharon Farrell and Edward Michael Bell) concerned for the safety of their adopted daughter Janie (Danielle Brisebois) after the girl's biological mother, mental patient Andrea (Ellen Barber), tries to abduct her. For some reason - and this is where the film gets more than a bit strange - Sheri experiences psychic premonitions that connect her to Janie, and when Andrea's boyfriend Jude (a circus clown played by Richard Lynch) gets his hands on the girl, Sheri must play a piano in front of a crowd of total strangers in order to be reunited with her daughter.

If that last part about the piano has you confused, join the club - I hadn't a scooby what was going on by the end of the film, but to be honest, I had given up trying to make sense of the plot long before that point.

Boy Kills World (2023)

Violent but vapid.

[4/10 · 1 May 2024]

After his family are killed by a tyrannical post-apocalyptic dynasty, a young boy is trained by a mysterious shaman (Yayan Ruhian) to become a deadly assassin hellbent on revenge. Grown up and ready for action, the Boy (Bill Skarsgård) teams up with resistance fighters Basho (Andrew Koji) and Bennie (Isaiah Mustafa) to try and kill the head of the dynasty, the wicked Hilda Van Der Koy (Famke Janssen).

I love a brutal revenge movie, and God knows this one doesn't shy away from the graphic violence, but the script is incredibly weak, while the comic book approach, with its offbeat humour and crazy characters, strives too hard for cult appeal. The film relies very heavily on its kooky comedy, most of which falls flat; it is, more often than not, very irritating, particularly the Boy's inner voice, his imaginary little sister Mina (Quinn Copeland), and Mustafa's incomprehensible Bennie.

Fortunately, the frequent action is, for the most part, well handled, with a nasty fight involving a cheese grater, an impressive scene with a mini-gun, and a suitably hard-hitting and bloody two-against-one final fight in the villain's bunker (those claws gouging their flesh - yowch!). I can't help but think that if the film had been played more seriously, minus the lame attempts at being wacky, it would have been a far more satisfying watch.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)

Mrs. Mangel goes missing.

[2/10 · 30 April 2024]

Valentine's Day, 1900: schoolgirls from Appleyard College attend a picnic at Hanging Rock, a volcanic rock formation near Mt. Macedon in the Australian state of Victoria. While there, some of the girls and one of their teachers (played by Vivean Gray, Mrs. Mangel from Neighbours) inexplicably disappear. Search parties are mounted, to no avail. Eventually, one of the girls is found, but she cannot remember what happened. Meanwhile, Mrs. Appleyard (Rachel Roberts), the school headmistress, is concerned about the negative effect the disappearances are having on her income.

This is the kind of arthouse film that cinema snobs fall over themselves to praise as a cinematic masterpiece, mentioning the atmosphere of repressed sexuality, the brooding sense of dread, the ethereal beauty of the cinematography, the symbolism and the haunting soundtrack. What these people fail to mention is how incredibly boring and uneventful the whole film is: the plot is incredibly slight and the pacing so slow that at almost two hours long the film is like an endurance test with no reward at the end.

Some praise director Peter Weir for his reluctance to provide answers to the mystery, but to me that just feels like rubbing salt in the wound: not only is his film boring, it also fails wrap things up in a satisfactory manner.

Inn of the Damned (1975)

Hooray for Hoogeveen!

[8/10 · 29 April 2024]

'70s Ozsploitation movie Inn of the Damned combines the Western and horror genres and, in my opinion, does it very well.

The film stars Alex Cord as American bounty hunter Cal Kincaid, who teams up with Trooper Moore (Tony Bonner) to capture ruthless Australian criminal Biscayne (Robert Quilter); meanwhile, local innkeepers Caroline and Lazar Straulle (Judith Anderson and Joseph Fürst) -- old acquaintances of Biscayne -- subsidise their income by murdering their lodgers and stealing their belongings. When Trooper Moore goes to the inn to question the Straulles, he winds up becoming a victim of the homicidal old couple (who were driven insane when their children were killed by an escaped convict), leading Kincaid to stop eating peaches off a naked hooker and investigate his friend's disappearance instead.

The film begins primarily as a Western, with the two heroes tracking down their quarry through the scenic countryside, but segues into horror once Biscayne is brought to justice and Moore is murdered.

My favourite part of the film comes when a woman (Diana Dangerfield) and her pretty stepdaughter Beverly (Carla Hoogeveen) arrive at the inn during a storm. While their buggy driver Alfred (Phillip Avalon) is being brutally stabbed to death by Lazar, the women are stripping off to share a bed and to take a bath together. We then learn that the stepmother is a predatory lesbian who has been abusing Beverly, which is totally superfluous to the plot, since both women are bumped off soon after, but that's why it's so great -- it's pure exploitation!

Kincaid opting to spend a night in the inn to try and find out what happened to Moore ramps up the suspense, leading to a tense showdown between the bounty hunter and the elderly psychos. The film does tend to outstay its welcome once the killers have been caught, and the revelation about what is hidden in their secret room is quite disappointing (not nearly as twisted as I had hoped), but on the whole this is a very entertaining film.

7.5/10, rounded up to 8 for the Straulle's unique method of killing their victims.

Night of the Walking Dead (1975)

Blood, romance and breasts.

[6/10 · 27 April 2024]

By the mid '70s, the appeal of the gothic vampire movie was waning. Hammer studio spiced things up by adding plenty of sex and nudity, and if Hammer was doing it you can bet your bottom dollar that the European studios were doing it as well.

Directed by León Klimovsky, Night of the Walking Dead stars stunning Emma Cohen as Catherine, a terminally ill young woman who lives in a village plagued by vampires. Catherine is romanced by Count Rudolph de Winberg, the leader of the vampires, and gives herself to him (the lucky old bloodsucker!), but he refuses to turn her into one of the undead even though this would make her immortal. When Catherine dies, Rudolph decides that he has had enough of being a vampire and turns himself to a pile of ash by standing outside as the sun comes up.

From this synopsis, you can probably tell that this is less horror and more of a romance, albeit one with lots of hot women taking their clothes off. There are some cool scenes amongst the sappy stuff -- an assault on the villagers by the vampires, a wild vampire party, and the destruction of the vamps in their tombs via spikes in the forehead -- but with the love story overshadowing the scariness, I sometimes found my mind wandering.

Not a bad movie by any means and worth a go if you're into romantic horror like Embrace of the Vampire (1995) and Interview With The Vampire (1994) -- or if you just like boobies.

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for absolute babe Cohen.

Deafula (1975)

You don't hear much about this one.

[2/10 · 27 April 2024]

Diagnosed with a rare disease when born, Steve Adams (Peter Wolf) requires monthly blood transfusions from his father Reverand Adams (James Randall); failing that, he transforms into the vampire Deafula, for Steve's real father is none other than Count Dracula!

Produced for deaf and hard of hearing audiences, Deafula's cast uses sign language throughout (with a voiceover for those of us who don't understand sign language); this makes it an undeniably unique viewing experience, but one that I found extremely tedious, the whole movie being cheap and amateurishly made, with a terrible script, crap acting, a leaden pace, an embarrassingly naff vampire (that fake nose!), and long periods of total silence.

Deaf viewers may appreciate the effort made, but I imagine most people will struggle to stay awake. For me, this ranks up there with William Shatner's Incubus (which is entirely in Esperanto) as one of the strangest yet most boring horror oddities.

The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe (1974)

We Wish You a Marins Christmas, and a bloody New Year.

[5/10 · 26 April 2024]

In the opening scene to The Bloody Exorcism, Brazilian horror director José Mojica Marins states that his infamous creation Coffin Joe is entirely fictional: HE is not Coffin Joe. However, in a plot device that reminds me a bit of Wes Craven's New Nightmare, the director discovers that his wicked character has become a reality and is trying to usher in a new era of evil by wedding his own daughter to the son of Satan with the help of a witch named Malvina.

In some ways, this film is riding the coat-tails of William Friedkin's The Exorcist, with Marins' friends becoming possessed when he visits them over the Christmas holidays. Those affected turn into deranged red-eyed zombies that speak in demonic voices. There's even a scene where one of the possessed women masturbates with a wooden pole. But this is also very much a Marins' movie meaning that it gets rather strange at times, particularly towards the end when Malvina's coven performs a diabolic wedding ceremony and the director throws in as much torture, dismemberment and cannibalism as he can (the gore is totally unconvincing but still entertaining).

As is often the case with Marins' movies, there are pacing issues, the film really dragging during the talky parts, and I found myself struggling to keep up with what was happening when the going got really weird. The director's films are certainly not for everyone, but if you've already acquired a taste for his particular brand of lunacy, then you'll no doubt lap up this one as well.

Qiu deng ye yu (1974)

What a cad.

[5/10 · 25 April 2024]

All In The Dim Cold Night is a film of two halves. The first part is pure tragedy, heaping misery upon misery onto poor Tsio-O (Meng Chin), pretty daughter of Old Tu (Chung-Lien Chou). When Lord Chao (Yang Yueh) meets the young woman one night, he is smitten; returning soon after, he seduces Tsio-O, offering to make her his wife. However, when Chao gets a better offer -- the hand in marriage of the only daughter of a very wealthy man -- he reneges on his promise to Tsio-O. As if jilting her isn't bad enough, he also denies being the father of her unborn child.

When the baby finally arrives, Old Tu tries to get rid of it by dumping it outside in the 'cold dim night'. Tsio-O finds her child and goes to the home of Lord Chao to try and get him to act responsibly, but he refuses to see her. In the morning, Tsio-O is found frozen clutching her dead baby. It's a wonderfully downbeat first act, but unfortunately the second half, in which Tsio-O's ghost takes revenge, isn't quite as effective. Illuminated by a green light and gliding silently about, the ghost is fairly cool, but the plot hereon is wholly predictable and repetitive, Tsio-O's creepy shenanigans soon becoming tedious. I don't think my enjoyment of the film was helped by awful picture quality and often illegible subtitles, but even cutting it some slack for these reasons, I cannot rate the film as a whole any higher than 5/10 (7/10 for the fist half and 3/10 for the second half).

The Coffee Table (2022)

Butter fingers.

[8/10 · 25 April 2024]

When my son was still a baby, I slipped while carrying him down the stairs. When I came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs, dazed and confused, I had a moment of sheer panic, thinking I may have let go of my son while falling. We were lucky - my natural instinct had been to hold on tight. I had a few bruises but my son was safe. It could have been a whole lot worse...

Jesús (David Pareja) buys an ugly glass-topped coffee table, against the wishes of his wife Maria (Estefanía de los Santos), and it turns out to be the worst decision of his life. Looking after his newborn son while Maria is at the shops, he has an accident, the glass on the coffee table shattering and decapitating his baby. What follows is a most uncomfortable watch, as Jesús - in a state of shock - is unable to come to terms with what has happened, fear and guilt eating away at him until he can take no more.

There was absolutely no way this film was going to end happily, writer director Caye Casas deliberately putting his viewers through the emotional wringer to leave them drained and exhausted. It's a well acted and smartly directed movie with touches of dark humour which serve to make the film an even more uncomfortable experience.

Definitely not recommended to new parents, but if you're in the mood for something challenging and bleak, The Coffee Table should do the trick.

8/10

N. B. Despite how it looks, the coffee table salesman is not played by Ron Jeremy and Jesús's brother is not David Baddiel.

Cross of the Devil (1975)

Not Gilling's worst film, but it's close.

[2/10 · 24 April 2024]

The Devil's Cross features Templar knights who rise from the dead, but don't expect anything like Amando De Ossorio's entertaining Blind Dead movies: this film, by British director John Gilling, is a total snooze-fest. It's not Gilling's worst film - in my opinion, that has got to be Mother Riley Meets the Vampire - but it's not a great swan song for the man who also gave us the excellent Plague of the Zombies and the enjoyable The Flesh & The Fiends.

The film stars Ramiro Oliveros as pot-smoking author Alfred Dawson, who travels to Spain with his girlfriend Maria (Carmen Sevilla) to investigate the murder of his sister Justine. Alfred's enquiries lead him to the area known as The Cross of the Devil at the Mountain of Souls where, legend has it, the Templar knights rise from their graves on All Souls Day. Too much talk and a dreary pace make this movie a real chore to sit through, while the final act is a total letdown, the Templar knights not in the least bit scary (easily defeated by a stoner writer with zero experience in swordplay) and the identity of the killer coming as no surprise.

2/10.

Evil of Dracula (1974)

Japan has given us some classic horror films; this isn't one of them.

[5/10 · 22 April 2024]

The Evil of Dracula is the third and last of director Michio Yamamoto's vampire movies, after The Vampire Doll (1970) and The Lake of Dracula (1971).

Toshio Kurosawa plays psychology teacher Shiraki, who takes a position at a girls school in the country only to discover that the principal is a vampire (NOT named Dracula, despite the film's American title). And to be honest, not a lot of interest happens, the entire film spent following Shiraki as he tries to unravel the mystery (not that there is much of a mystery to unravel) while unsuccessfully protecting three students from the principal (Shin Kishida), his undead wife (Mika Katsuragi) and their loyal assistant Yoshie (Katsuhiko Sasaki).

The vampires themselves are suitably menacing, the gloomy and atmospheric girls school makes for a creepy location, and the film does feature one or two original touches (the principal's vampire wife assuming the identity of one of the students by wearing her face as a mask is fun), but the weak script and slow pace means that this Japanese Hammer wannabe still lacks bite.

Demon Witch Child (1975)

The Exorcist a la España.

[6/10 · 21 April 2024]

Directed by Amando de Ossorio, who gave us the enjoyable The Loreley's Grasp and Tombs of the Blind Dead (and its less effective sequels), Demon Witch Child is clearly inspired by The Exorcist.

The plot sees the police arresting an old devil-worshipping gypsy hag who they suspect is involved with the abduction of a baby boy; rather than reveal the whereabouts of the child, the old crone throws herself out of a window, falling to her death, her spirit possessing the body of Susan (Marián Salgado), the young daughter of a local politician.

Before you can say Captain Howdy, Susan is swearing like a trooper, scuttling around the floor, levitating above her bed, and doing a 180 degree twist with her entire torso (a laughably bad visual effect). She even transforms into the old witch to perform the sacrifice of the missing baby.

It's not a very well made movie, but it is definitely good for a few laughs: Susan's father has a monumental comb over; the ex-girlfriend of Father Juan (Julián Mateos) blames his decision to become a priest for her turning to prostitution; a bunch of girls in a church sing a song with the lyrics 'Na na na na na na'; Susan crawls down a wall head-first and somehow her skirt defies gravity; and Susan (in witch form) castrates a man (off-screen) and sends his severed junk to his lover.

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for not going down the cheesy happy ending route.

Dracula in the Provinces (1975)

Italian comedy: an acquired taste? (but one I am not keen to acquire).

[1/10 · 20 April 2024]

Lucio Fulci is best known for his gory horror films of the seventies and eighties, but like most Italian directors of that era, he went where the money was, tackling whatever genre was currently in vogue. Dracula in the Provinces is a very silly sex comedy with just a smidge of horror, Lando Buzzanca starring as wealthy toothpaste factory owner Costante Nicosia, whose boorish behaviour sees him cursed by an elderly aunt. When Costante travels to Romania on business, he finds himself invited to the castle of Count Dragulescu (John Steiner) where he spends a night of drunken debauchery. The next morning he wakes up in bed with with the count and consequently believes that he is turning into a homosexual; however, on finding bite marks on his neck, he becomes worried that he is becoming a vampire.

According to IMDb's trivia, Lucio Fulci said Dracula in the Provinces was among his favourite films he directed. Of the thirty-two Fulci films I've seen, this is my LEAST favourite - I don't know whether much of the humour was lost in translation, but I found the film about as funny as a case of botulism. Buzzanca mugs his way through a series of desperately unfunny scenes, including Costante explaining his fears about turning gay to his doctor (Rossano Brazzi), visiting a con-artist wizard (Ciccio Ingrassia) to have the 'evil eye' curse removed, and going to a dominatrix (Moira Orfei). I spent the entire film clock-watching, longing for the whole thing to finish, but like watching a kettle waiting for it to boil, this just prolonged the agony. As bad as some of Fulci's horrors are (Manhattan Baby, Sodoma's Ghost, The Sweet House of Horrors), none of them are as utterly atrocious as this miserable movie. 1/10.

Abigail (2024)

When Abigail spins around, would that be a vampirouette?

[6/10 · 19 April 2024]

In Abigail, a gang of desperate criminals kidnap a young girl unaware that their seemingly helpless ballerina hostage is in fact a savage vampire; it's the latest film from Radio Silence directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, the guys who gave us Ready or Not and the last couple of Scream movies, and like those films, I thought that Abigail was simply average.

It aims to be a brainless popcorn horror, mixing laughs with the scares; brainless it most certainly is, but unfortunately the film is neither funny enough nor scary enough. And with the trailer having shown us most of the good bits, there are very few surprises to be had. It's a harmless enough way to kill a couple of hours, I suppose, and the occasional excess of splattery gore is enjoyable, but I had hoped to like the film a lot more than I did.

5.5/10, generously rounded up to 6 for Melissa Barrera, who deserves better than this.

The Spectre of Edgar Allan Poe (1974)

Squanders its Poe-tential.

[4/10 · 18 April 2024]

The Spectre of Edgar Allan Poe is a fictional account of how the renowned writer came to be obsessed with death and the macabre.

According to this film, the young Poe (Robert Walker Jr.) was in love with a woman named Lenore (Mary Grover), who one day suddenly dropped dead, or so it seemed. At Lenore's funeral, Poe hears screams coming from the coffin and it is discovered that the young woman is still alive. In a catatonic state of shock, Lenore is admitted to a private asylum under the care of Dr. Grimaldi (Cesar Romero), who secretly conducts experiments on his patients and whose sister Lisa is a pychopathic killer. Poe becomes suspicious, and with help from his friend Dr. Adam Forrest (Tom Drake), he investigates.

I really like the idea of Edgar Allan Poe becoming involved in real-life mysteries, uncovering macabre happenings which would serve as inspiration for his stories -- it would make for a great TV series. This film, however, doesn't do the idea justice. The direction is pedestrian, the pace dreary, the acting barely passable, and the script mostly involves the characters wandering around the dark corridors of the asylum -- so dark that it is often hard to see what is happening. The chills and scares are strictly PG. On the plus side, Walker makes for an effective Poe, looking very much like the author.

The Spectre of Edgar Allan Poe ends with Lenore dying for real (hacked to death by the axe-wielding Lisa), leaving Poe grief stricken, at least until he marries his 13-year-old cousin -- the only genuinely shocking thing about the whole film.

Lorna the Exorcist (1974)

Why does the name Linda keep cropping up in Franco films?

[5/10 · 17 April 2024]

I imagine that Lorna the Exorcist was given its title to try and cash in on the success of The Exorcist (1973), but the film is actually a Faustian tale with very little in common with William Friedkin's movie.

Guy Delorme plays successful businessman Patrick Mariel, who suddenly changes a family vacation from St. Tropez to Camargue, much to the disappointment of his soon-to-be-18-year-old daughter Linda (Lina Romay). Once in Camargue, Patrick meets with a mysterious woman named Lorna (Pamela Stanford), who sports hideous eye make-up that resembles a cross between Captain Spaulding, a drag queen and Peter Criss from KISS. It turns out that Lorna is an emissary of Satan who, eighteen years earlier, promised Patrick wealth and success if he promised to hand over his then unborn daughter to Lorna once she reached her 18th birthday. Now the time has come for him to keep his end of the bargain but he is reluctant to do so.

Being a Franco film from the '70s, Lorna the Exorcist is chock full of the director's trademark tedious sex scenes (mostly lesbian), with even more of his in-your-face crotch shots than usual (I must have seen every inch of Romay's body in close-up by now). The frequent frottering and bumping and grinding is dull and repetitive and seriously hinders the storytelling. That said, there are two things about the film that are guaranteed to stick in the mind: the worst case of crabs imaginable, and the deflowering of Linda with a big stone dildo (possibly the most shocking scene I have witnessed in a Franco movie so far).

5/10 - At roughly 100 minutes, the uncut version of the film feels unnecessarily padded out with sex scenes and shots of '70s architecture.

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary (1975)

No fangs required.

[7/10 · 16 April 2024]

Was George Romero inspired by Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary when writing his unconventional 1977 vampire film Martin? The plots of the two films are alike and they share a similar grim and downbeat tone.

Directed by Juan López Moctezuma, the man responsible for cult classics The House of Madness and Alucarda, Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary stars the beautiful Cristina Ferrare as artist Mary, who is afflicted with a craving for human blood, the young woman drugging her victims and then stabbing them with her dagger-like hair pin.

After a chance encounter on a stormy night, drifter Ben Ryder (David Young) falls for Mary, unaware of her vampiric tendencies; as Mary continues her grisly murders, Ben finds himself targeted by the police who suspect him of being the killer. Meanwhile, a mysterious switchblade wielding figure dressed in black (clearly a fan of giallos) stalks Mary, his intentions unknown.

Mary is a long way from the traditional idea of a vampire: she isn't affected by sunlight, and one assumes that a crucifix, garlic and holy water would be no good against her either. She doesn't have supernatural strength, hence the need to drug her victims, and she doesn't possess fangs or wear a black cape. In fact, she is very much a tragic figure, cursed to kill, unable to resist her urges, even if it means destroying those she loves.

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is a refreshingly innovative take on the vampire genre for those tired with the standard gothic approach.