sdfvnfjsnksjf Reviews

Deadly Illusions (2021)

A masterclass in storytelling!

[10/10 · 3 April 2021]

Amazing film! Truly! So you have a writer who doesn't own a computer. Kelsey Grammar's sperm turns up to baby sit some kids and she has an ass that seems to turn everyone gay for her. The family don't own a dog but they might own fish, not confirmed. The child actors are only bettered by the sensational product placement of a phone always in shot somewhere and some Adidas trainers worn by barely legal blonde.

Rachel's ex boyfriend needed some cash and my God does he earn it with good hair and the 470 sex scenes he's in.

People drive cars, a little girl plays a recorder, mental health is funny and a little bit evil, honestly, the film has it all.

Rumour has it that the film was made totally in the dark and colour was added digitally post edit.

RoboCop (2014)

Meh.

[5/10 · 7 February 2014]

Okay, so very few people were confident about this remake. The original has such a huge fan base that a reboot seems like blasphemy to most.

So how does this hold up? Well, it looks like butter, it at times tastes like butter, but brother, it ain't butter. Believe it.

The film lacks something and I think I know what it is; there is no real villain. Instead of building up a super-villain for Murphy to fight to the death with, it toys with different characters as his foe, never really committing to one or the other. Kurtwood Smith is an evil son of a gun in the original because he shoots Murphy to pieces. Its up close and personal. In this, well, the guy that car bombs (lame) our robotic cop gets about 2 minutes of screen time with very little back story. Frankly, you just don't care.

The plot seems more concerned about Murphy trying to cope with becoming an amputee and him and his family learning to accept his new circumstances, which frankly, when you see what he looks like without the armour, is just disturbing. Instead of being an awesome action flick, you just feel bad for the guy. The reality of the situation is just too harsh in its portrayal and you end up thinking maybe he would be better off dead.

Do you want to pay good money to question your ideological values towards quality of life or do you want to see robocop go toe to toe with a man who shot him to s***? I know what I'd buy for a dollar.

Also, on a side note: Samuel L. Jackson needs to stop being in films. While his appearance at first is welcome, by the end it feels very cheap and unnatural. The anti-American war effort message starts to get a little forced down your throat and before you start screaming that I'm a flag loving American, I'm a Brit, and even I felt the satire was a bit in your face.

The film shouldn't upset people too badly, it could honestly be much worse and it does have some passable moments with a couple of good nods to the original. Just don't get your hopes too high.

Ted Bundy (2002)

Exploit the exploited and you have this...

[3/10 · 4 November 2013]

Now, be prepared, because I'm about to save you nearly 2 hours of your life.

I can't help but feel that somebody watched American Psycho and decided that it needed to be remade, badly, very badly.

What you should have here is a film about Ted Bundy; a sick and twisted man who committed crimes that would make the devil himself lose a boner. It should be a film that is locked inside Bundy's head. A psychoanalysis of a man constantly battling the urge to kill yet never winning and somehow thriving in his defeat.

But no, here it is folks, the American Psycho remake I sure as hell don't remembering ordering. I find it incredibly disrespectful to the victims and their families that any murder scenes were shown at all, let alone the fact that they were this graphic.

It's torture porn, pure torture porn, the very stuff Bundy ironically blamed for his murders in the first place. The film has no weight to it and is purely a very shoddy attempt at a horror film.

All in all, you will gain nothing from this film in relation to Bundy. If you pretend this isn't about Bundy, that the characters are fictional and not genuine people whose families are still no doubt effected everyday by their loss, then what you have is still a below standard horror.

Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Not just for Pedophiles...

[8/10 · 22 August 2013]

Yes, OK, yes, it has some questionable moments. 16 year old girls do perform over- sexualised dance routines that a Vegas stripper would blush at. Hooooowever, they're 16, it's legal, deal with it bro.

Aside from the girls in this film doing what can now commonly be known as 'A Miley Cyrus' it is genuinely a great improvement on an already great original.

The film is fun, funny and... more fun! It even throws in a few dark moments that really help progress the plot and give The Motherf*cker some credibility as a super-villain.

My only regret is that Jim Carey has such limited screen time. He really does just own every scene he is in and provides some of the film's funniest moments.

Should you watch this film? Yes, yes you should you handsome son of a gun. It's entertainment on steroids and consistently delivers all the good things the original gave you but on a much larger scale.

The Conjuring (2013)

Conjure up something better...

[6/10 · 13 August 2013]

I was more excited than a midget at a children's theme park to see this film. A horror film rated above a 7.0? That's unheard of! It must be amazing right?! Well, no. Not really.

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice film. The director of photography needs some form of medal made out of some sort of metal for the disorientating use of shots that leaves you feeling seriously confused and uneasy adding to the tension.

Hooooowever, the film is horribly paced. You go a very long time without seeing so much as a hint of a ghost child and when you are hit in the face with horror it goes on so long you either get pi**ed off with being on edge or it loses the effect.

The film also seems a little confused about who it's main characters are. It gives equal screen time to both the parents of the family and the investigators and it's because of this overcommitment that you end up not really having enough time to care that much about any of them.

Is the film scary? Yes. Will you jump? Probably. Is it any different from Insidious or Sinister? No. If anything, the smaller character focus of insidious and darker ending of sinister make them superior horror films.

All in all, the film is like making the dirty love with Monica from friends; It's better than the phoebe's out there but it's not the Rachel you were hoping for either.

After Earth (2013)

...Why Will? WHY?!?!

[1/10 · 18 July 2013]

After viewing this film, I wrote a letter to myself in the past warning me not to watch it. I then threw it into the ocean and hoped that it would somehow get lost in the depths of forever and travel through time back to my previous self.

I'm now waiting on this plan to work but unfortunately I can still remember the film. This may seem like an unlikely thing to hope for, but after you've seen this catastrophe, hope is all you'll have left.

It hurts to think that the fresh prince has done this to himself. His offspring is clearly trying to fill daddy's massive shoes as Will takes a back seat but to be perfectly honest, the apple fell so far from the tree you'd think it's from a different orchard.

Just don't waste your time. Please.

The Mist (2007)

Smart, intelligent and another word for smart that my vocabulary doesn't have.

[7/10 · 15 May 2013]

Not everyone will love this film. If you're someone who needs the same old same old this probably won't be for you.

However, If you're someone who looks back on George Romeo's Night of the Living Dead (1968) and appreciates how it took typical horror genre conventions and deconstructed them, then you'll get this film and like it.

Like Romero's Night, the film isn't really about the creatures in the mist, it's about the people in the situation and how they deal with it. It's essentially a study of social behaviour and how people communicate under extreme circumstances. That said, the creatures in the mist, dude, they f**ked up!

Basically, the film is shocking, polemic and will really divide opinion, everything a good horror should.

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

He's on vacation, OK?

[4/10 · 19 February 2013]

Yes Bruce, you and your acting ability are very much on vacation here my friend.

It feels like a life time ago that Bruce was strolling around barefoot on glass killing Snape from Harry Potter and creating the perfect phrase for a man to utter under his breathe just quietly enough so his wife wouldn't hear every time he orgasms- 'Yippee Ki YaY Mother F**ker'.

Alas, that Bruce is gone and all that remains is a poor script, predictable plot and a film which is essentially a poor attempt at a homage to the first Die Hard. However, this is not a touch on the original aka- The best Christmas film ever made.

It has some OK action scenes and true Die Hard fans will appreciate some of the nods towards the original, but people, you probably won't be satisfied with this. I think the film may contain other actors, but in all honesty, I'm not certain.

Perhaps Bruce should holiday in Switzerland, nothing happens there.

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

It has a guy named suicide in it, Ironic to the end.

[8/10 · 17 February 2013]

I have but one thing to say in response to this film- YES! DEAR GOD YES!

One could argue that we in fact see more of this film in modern zombie and horror flicks than we do of Romero's classics. Of course no one would dare discredit the father of the zombie film, and Night of the Living Dead (1968) will always be THE film that changed it all, but if you look at the modern zombie, they embody just as much of this film as they do Romero, if not more.

Running Zombies and a humorous post-modern deconstruction of the zombie sub-genre similar to that of a more contemporary example in Cabin of the Woods (2011), this film sets about breaking nearly every rule Romero creates about the Zombie.

On top of all this, a hot chick gets naked for no real reason other than she can. Happy days.

Teenage Zombies (1959)

It can never be unseen...

[2/10 · 19 January 2013]

Earlier today I accidentally viewed on the internet a man being decapitated via chainsaw. After viewing Teenage Zombies hours later I have come to the conclusion I would very much like to be that man in the video.

I figured to myself- "Well hey, here's a 1950's film entitled 'Teenage Zombies'. Perhaps it will subtly play on American angst towards youth and family values, maybe even a little nod towards gender issues in post war America, hell this film could be Rebel without a Cause but with Zombies!"... How wrong I was.

What we actually have in this film is acting filled with more wood than a pornstar's pants, a plot so obviously about American fears of the soviets it loses all effect and one zombie, who is called Ivan, a middle aged brainless slave, dumb but strong, perving on the American female who yes, they called Ivan, subtly done Jerry. DOWN WITH COMMUNISM!

All in all, I could say so much about this film, I actually find it a little sad that the kids in this movie probably considered it their big break, when in reality most of them never acted again. I'll close by saying this; if you're drunk, drugged off your tits, or maybe even if you hate yourself and can't find a razor blade, watch this film. If you're none of these things, please, just don't.

Unthinkable (2010)

An Unthinkable thing to watch

[1/10 · 16 November 2010]

I'm Sorry, but this film is a joke.

It had the potential to really make you question your own beliefs, but frankly, the characters are about as consistent and as believable as Stephen Hawking winning American Idol. I know they've attempted to portray them as constantly questioning their own judgement and morales but my God they just have no follow through in anything they say or do. As for this amazing dialogue I read about in another review, well, i can't help but feel they heard a different film. It's limited to about two phrases; "Shut the door i have something to tell you" and "DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!" Pointless mini conflicts are set up among the characters that never really go anywhere. Jackson's character H decides to reveal to us that this isn't a conflict between America and terrorism, but more so a personal battle between Sheen's character and himself. Whoever breaks first wins. This is a nice concept and if it had been portrayed better would have given the movie at least some purpose.

All in all, i could rant about this stinker all day, i have so much to say about it but frankly i'll run out of allowed space. Basically, what you have is this, a film that on the surface appears to be an intense thriller designed to put the viewer in the position of the character but is so poorly done you miss the point entirely. If you go any deeper than the blurb on the back you'll see someone clearly thought "terrorism is a threat today, we'll make a film about terrorism, that'll earn money!" Que a bunch of applauding fat cats with dollar signs in their eyes.

I would say don't watch it, but its so bad it has to be seen to be believed.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

A bit too flashy?

[4/10 · 23 October 2010]

PA2 is everything you expect from a horror. Big jumpy moments galore. However, i can't help but feel they've strayed from what made the original so groundbreaking.

In making this movie a seemingly more mainstream horror i feel they traded in the subtly of the first one. I loved the first movie because of what you didn't see, what you thought you saw out of the corner of your eye but probably didn't. In PA2 they go all out to get the jumps and while you're in for a far more exciting cinema trip you're less likely to take the movie home with you as you were in the first.

So it depends what you want from a horror, if you're into the major jump moments then this will be a great cinema experience, but its been seen before, so i'm afraid you probably won't be sleeping with the light on like i certainly did from PA1.

All in all, its inevitable that with every sequel in a horror and with every strain of plot revealed it becomes harder to believe. To me, the first PA was scary because it felt real, you left feeling like that could've really happened, PA2 just feels like another horror movie with credits at the end, a solid horror, but perhaps one that sold out a touch on something that could've been a great psychological horror rather than just a great jumpy one in order to score sequels. Still more than worth a watch though for the experience alone!