blurnieghey Reviews

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012 Video)

Don't Kid Yourself....

[1/10 · 17 March 2024]

If for some reason the very title "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" doesn't clue you in that you are about to watch a movie that sucks on an exceptional level, then simply look a little closer and notice that this movie was put out by The Asylum and, thus, dash whatever misguided optimism you may have harbored to pieces. Anyways, I'll get straight to the point: this movie sucks. It isn't so bad it's funny or, despite the ridiculous premise, posses anything unique to make it stand out from a thousand other cheap, generic zombie flicks. The acting is terrible, special effects are a joke, and I've seen better-looking fake beards and mustaches at Dollar Tree around Halloween time. While I want to believe that concepts like this get cooked up while to writer is stoned off his ass or messing with some sort of mind-altering substances, my only suggestion to these guys is to up the dose, because this thing was boring as hell and just about unwatchable. This movie is only to be watched if you are desperate for self-abuse or ran out of sleeping pills--it's a righteous stinker in every possible way and should be avoided like a zombie bite.

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

For Viewers 15 Years Old and Younger

[4/10 · 7 March 2024]

So, I took the bait and watched this flick and, in all fairness, while this movie more or less sucks, it is the sort of movie that probably would have entertained the hell out of me when I was like 14 or 15 years old or so, probably because it plays out like it was written by a 15-year-old. Come to think of it, Rutger Hauer was probably my favorite actor when I was that age, as well, so go figure. Basically, this is over-the-top violence for the sake of over-the-top violence, and it gets boring fast. I chucked a couple of times, but my big complaint about movies like this is that, while it is willfully stupid and doesn't take itself seriously, it is simultaneously conscious about being stupid and not serious, basically screaming, "Lookie! Lookie! See what a big, silly jerk of a movie I am!" at the audience for the entire duration. Yawn. I've seen movies even less imaginative than this that didn't annoy me half as much because they just set the schlock in front of you and assumed you had enough brains to do with it as you saw fit. It's a decent timewaster that I watched in the hopes it would put me to sleep, but it was retarded enough to hold my interest to the end, so I guess that's a plus, right? Like I said, kids would like this thing.

Demon Cop (1990)

Epic Awfulness

[1/10 · 5 February 2024]

Last week I watched the movie Future War (1997) and, while that movie is laughably bad and considered one of the worst movies on IMDB, it has a lower rating than this film, which by just about every measure is easily ten times worse than Future War in every regard. This flick is the lowest form of low budget SOV garbage and, while I tend to grade on a curve for these sorts of film, there is no curve steep enough to where I can say anything positive about Demon Cop.

The editing alone is such that it would embarrass Godfrey Ho, seemingly pasted together by someone half-asleep with a half-dozen or so scotch and sodas under their belt at 4:00 AM, without any regard to what someone actually trying to watch the movie and understand what the hell is going on might think. The film also relies heavily on narration to explain what is going on, which is rarely a good thing, inflicting the viewer with scenes where you hear dialogue explaining background information but you see no one talking and, instead, see a hand writing in a diary or a car driving down the road, which puts this mess where? A fusion of filming styles that merges a Godfrey Ho ninja flick with The Beast of Yucca Flats? With the exception of Cameron Mitchell, no one in this movie can act worth a damn and the sound and special effects are the bottom of the barrel, pretty much on the level of a student film, but I've seen student films better than this. The plot is nonsense and hard to follow for the reasons stated above, coupled with the addition of characters and scenes that seem to lend nothing to the film, leaving you that more confused (it took me three attempts just to sit through this thing). The film attempts to be a horror/ action flick, but the action is laughable, and the only scary thing is that Cameron Mitchell was hard up for cash to the point that he was willing to show his face in this piece of trash.

If you are a fan of grade Z-Minus cinema, then by all means you need to see this movie. It is truly epic awful, but this one qualifies as on of those flicks that never should have seen the light of day and it is almost insulting that something this lame was inflicted on the public. Demon Cop is a tough watch for even a veteran bad movie fan--you've been warned!

Dredd (2012)

Good Enough

[6/10 · 24 January 2024]

While this film manages to have some healthy helpings of everything I despise about these newer action flicks, it manages to be decent despite itself. Having a lame comic book premise, crap CGI, and being geared towards a video game mentality tend to be the kiss of death for me, but while these are unfortunately found in abundance, it has some solid action flick attributes that manage to make it work--a rarity to be sure. There's nothing you haven't seen before but it cuts to the chase quickly and what you have is non-stop action, blood, gore, and high body counts just the way I like it. I also appreciate that, unlike countless action flicks these days, it manages to get the character development just where it needs to be, sparing us any stupid romance subplots, childhood hangups, spousal issues or any personal issues what-so-ever, which is nice because I don't watch these sorts of movies to see that sort of drama and I really appreciate it when a film manages to skip that junk and stick to what I came to see. The good guys do the good guy thing and the bad guys do the bad guy thing without hamming it up or undo drama--it plays out quite well, especially for a comic book flick. This isn't great or all that original, but it's pretty good and scratched the action flick itch. Worth watching.

Time Tracers (1997)

Time Wasters

[1/10 · 8 January 2024]

While Jefferey Combs may not be known for high art, this flick is beyond a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen him in and that says a lot right there. Seriously, if you've ever seen J. R. Bookwalter's "Galaxy of The Dinosaurs" and were then told that his flick was the sequel, there's a pretty good chance you'd believe it because this thing is just that cheap, boring, and crappy.

The plot is your typical time travel nonsense where they go back in time (but are still somehow able to communicate with the present time!?!?!) and create a "ripple" and problems ensue which, unfortunately, you don't really get to until practically the end of the movie, having to suffer through an hour and fifteen minutes of mind-melting, illogical drivel just to get there. The ending is also unbelievably lame, but I'm not going to give it away, although I'll say it's up there with the ultra-lame "it was all just a dream" shtick as a means of tying everything together and putting an end to the mess.

Picture the lamest, cheapest SyFy channel made-for-TV crapola you can think of and then consider that this film makes any one of those films look like a Hollywood blockbuster by comparison-it's that bad. This flick isn't so bad it's good or even fun to hate on-it's just pitiful. Avoid.

Dead Sleep (1990)

Crikey, this is boring......

[3/10 · 30 December 2023]

As a general rule, when I'm looking for a movie to watch, all I need to see is the word "Australia" in the description of the movie to know enough to keep looking. No offense to any Australians out there, mind you, and if watching padded-out, wordy, tepid, boring flicks with minimal action rocks your world then more power to you, although if you guys drink as much as the characters in this film do, that might have something to do with it. Anyways, I love Linda Blair and I find her quite cute and a talented actress with charm that lights up whatever B-movie junk she finds herself thrust into, but I knew she'd be put to the test in lighting up a garbage Australian flick before I even hit play and, arguably, this is one of the lesser films I've seen her in.

While I wouldn't describe this film as being entirely awful, it is predictable to where you know exactly what is going to go down before you are even 20 minutest into it, making this slow-moving, padded out timewaster that much harder to get through, with 98 minutes feeling like over two hours if you manage to make it that far. The basic premise itself is actually somewhat believable (I don't put anything past what the corrupt healthcare systems in Western countries will do for a buck), but this film can't decide if it is serious or schlock. It is too cheesy to be serious and too boring and toned down to be schlock and, seeing as it is a low-budget flick with middling actors and writers, the correct move should have been to go over the top with the exploitation and have some fun, but no dice. It's about what you'd expect and, sadly, even Linda can't save it.

Stitches (2001 Video)

Nice Story

[7/10 · 12 September 2023]

Well, it isn't high art, but I'm surprised by the low rating this one has, as I thought it was pretty good. Cheap? Yes. A little slow? I suppose for the low attention span phone-gazers and mouse-clickers, yes. The acting is a little weak in some spots, but I liked this story, reminding me more of an episode of Tales From The Darkside or Twilight Zone than a full-length feature. It isn't gory, probably could have used a bit of nudity, no jumps and scares and it isn't action-packed, either, relying on a solid story and a timeless morality tale to carry it along and it worked for me. Elizabeth Ince did a good job as a demon, using skin as a thin veneer and a fake personality of a sweet old lady with and equally thin veneer, scarcely covering her contempt and cynicism. The concept as a whole is pretty fantastic, although I find the idea that someone would be fool enough to consign himself to hell for some dumb girl he barely knows to be even more fantastic, although it served the purpose of a nice, ironic ending. This sort of movie was a little old-fashioned in 2001, but that doesn't make it bad and it's worth watching if you like a nice story.

Hitler: The Last Ten Days (1973)

Decent Enough

[7/10 · 2 September 2023]

Good acting and an engaging story that holds your interest throughout makes this movie worth watching. It attempts to be historically accurate, as well, and I'm not going to completely knock that attempt, but that leads to the same criticism I have for 99% of flicks like this and that is that there is no way in hell anyone can say with any degree of accuracy what really transpired with those people or even what the Big H was really like in person. We can't even say that about people in power who are currently alive, let alone a person who, last I checked, there exists maybe like one minute recorded of his normal speaking voice. The old propaganda films you see are about what you get with that dude, aside from a handful of anecdotes from people who had some dealings with him, usually only on a minor level.

While I liked this film, I really found the way the Big H was portrayed to be a little hard to swallow at times. The guy was undoubtedly a delusional windbag, but for some reason my mind wandered off to that scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail with the "Black Knight", still threatening to kick ass while he was having his arms and legs cut off. Could suck a kook really cause that much mayhem? Most of his closest inner circle were also reprobates, but they weren't stupid and I doubt they were suicidal or took relish in seeing their country reduced to rubble. There were attempts at surrender made behind his back, but I have a hard time believing that such ruthless goons would sit there and patiently humor a nut job at such a late stage in the game, but who knows? I wasn't there and neither were the guys who wrote this thing. It's still a good watch, regardless.

In the Earth (2021)

In The Trash

[1/10 · 13 August 2023]

Why do I even try watching movies like this? To keep in touch with passes for cinema these days? To get an idea of what younger generations find entertaining? Those would be pretty good reasons, but the reality is there's this crappy indoor flea market one town over that has thousands of DVD's stacked up that they sell for $1 a piece and, when it isn't the once in a blue moon that I find something decent, I'll pick two of what I deem to be the most stupid-looking, garbage movies just to show some support for the store. And such was the case with this piece of junk.

What we have here is a fair representation of what I have learned to despise about these newer horror movies, and I am beginning to question if this beloved genre is finally in its death throws, as it seems all these film makers can do is lame garbage like this or just regurgitate plot lines that got beaten into the ground decades ago. So, aside form the glacial pacing and creepy atmosphere (that apparently is supposed to take the place of actual scares these days), you get the typical maniac messing with the innocent campers shtick that has been done a million times before with a slice of Covid 19 and, for some nonsense reason, they try to mix in this sort of Gaia "the earth has a consciousness" BS that makes no sense at all to me, at least, because I think that entire movement is ridiculous. Nothing works and the thing is pretty much a long, illogical snore fest.

Anyways, if for some reason you don't think the basic premise of this flick is garbage, you can ask the following questions as you watch: how did one man manage to knock out two people in their tents without waking one of them up first? Why didn't they wrap their feet with some of the materials they had left or even part of their clothing? How did these clowns get all that electricity? And why were they even on foot in the first place--they stopped making 4-wheelers and gasoline because of the pandemic? And so on. I suppose there's a demographic for this sort of trash but, if you're a person that grew up watching decent movies, you're probably not in it. Avoid.

Super Xuxa Contra o Baixo Astral (1988)

You're Watching It Wrong

[10/10 · 30 July 2023]

If you aren't in the habit of watching foreign movies with the sound off and music playing in the background, then skip this review. I do it all the time and I bet this one has played through on my set at least 40 times, while I might have seen it with the sound on maybe once. My copy has English subtitles hard coded into it and the dialogue is absolutely hilarious, yet contains deeper meaning, and always puts a smile on my face, while Xuxa is absolutely gorgeous in every scene and a joy to watch. Yes, it's junk, but it doesn't get any more entertaining than this in my book. If you have a problem with this movie, you're watching it wrong.

Time Burst: The Final Alliance (1989)

Time Waste: Brain Idle Compliance

[4/10 · 17 June 2023]

Not a bad concept and I have little doubt that this looked a lot better on paper than the final product, which is kind of a mess. I spent close to half the movie getting a clear picture of what the heck I was supposed to be watching with a poorly constructed, convoluted preface combining two different stories that would have made Godfrey Ho proud. Once you get past that, you are watching somewhat lack-luster action with a nonsensical romance that, not only shouldn't be happening in the first place, but wavers on this crazy, bipolar jag of the two main characters getting all mushy with each other one minute and then trying to kill each other in the next scene. At any rate, I'm pretty sure there is a more straight-forward way to show a guy is 350 years old and immortal than how these guys chose to roll it out.

The film is not quite the bottom of the barrel but getting there and not really so-bad-it's-good, either, but I'm kind of a masochist when it comes to bad action flicks, so I'm giving it four. Overall, this is kind of a boring flick and, as a side note, the female protagonist is in another, even more craptacular and boring flick called "The Lost Platoon", that could also suffice as a sleep aid if your doctor won't give you a prescription for the real thing.

Dead Center (1993)

Dead End

[2/10 · 12 June 2023]

At about the 20-minute point it dawned on me that I had tried watching this movie before years ago and wound up falling asleep about 30 minutes into it but, unfortunately, I was wide awake this time around. To put it bluntly, I don't like action films like this and I'm being generous with two stars, as I didn't care for this movie at all. The film starts out OK with some decent violence and we are introduced to our reprobate protagonist who has all of the qualities to make him a decent action hero, but the film quickly goes down the tubes from that point and stays there.

So, the guy (for reasons not fully explained) is selected to be an elite government agent so, of course, no expense is spared in whisking him off to a secluded military base and hooking him up with all of the best combat simulators and expert brainwashing....er....training, right? Well, all that stuff is OK, but what's even better is just sticking him in some beach house with a skeleton crew of trainers where he gets his own room and his boss struts around in a bikini. You get the picture. Action? Yeah, there's a bit, but not that great. To give you an idea of where I'm coming from, they have a scene where the hero gets his own place, and they use an extended time-lapse detailing him eating Chinese food and buying new furniture. Let me tell you, I was on the edge of my seat wondering what type of floor lamp the guy would buy! I want to accuse the film of putting style over substance, but the style is pretty weak, despite all the fluff, and I just write this mess off as Hollywood hogwash of the most annoying and pretentious variety. It served its purpose by putting me to sleep the first time around and fails at everything else.

Apocalypto (2006)

Magnificent

[10/10 · 26 May 2023]

I've been making an effort to watch more of what the mainstream considers "good" movies and, happily, I've found a few that have restored my faith in the arts a little bit. This film is certainly one of them. Aside from perhaps taking a little liberty with time and geography, there isn't really much you can fault this film even in the slightest. Non-stop action that grips you from start to finish and a brutal take on human existence, showing how the hunter becomes the hunted in an infinite cycle without end. The portrayal of the waning Mayan society is both interesting and engrossing and, even if not historically accurate (how could it be?), it is an interesting take. In short, this film does everything good art should: showing you a slice of life seen through the eyes of a character you support and relate to while, at the same time, telling a story that works on several different levels. Simply top shelf and it is criminal that there aren't more films like this being made.

Power Games (1989)

Saaaaacred Laaaaaaaand!!!!!!

[2/10 · 15 May 2023]

Well, I guess someone needs to step up and review this thing and I'll start by saying the plot summary posted above, while more or less true, is somewhat misleading. For one thing, no one seems to use their "wits" about anything and, for all you know, no one has any wits in the first place because there are TV commercials with better character development than what you see on display in this mess. It starts out with a wounded girl being carried back to "camp", but they don't show her getting wounded and they don't really explain how she got wounded. It's a just a leg wound, and she isn't bleeding heavily, but she lays there like she's paralyzed for the entire flick for no good reason, while this creepy vet makes sexual advances on her. Then, some other guy gets killed, but they don't bother to show that happening, either. And then another one gets killed and injured, and they don't really show that and then another one gets injured, and they don't show much of that. There isn't really a battle of wits or even a cat and mouse game--the good guys just wander around like idiots, unarmed, getting picked off one at a time until the one guy who has a handgun starts screaming and yelling like a moron and is promptly shot in the back within seconds. The ending is a total bummer, but I won't give it away.

So, unless you are partially brain dead, a couple questions might come to mind as you watch it. Why would a bunch of kids training for a paintball competition need a bunch of grown Vietnam vets (in uniforms, no less!) to train them and why would the vets even care enough to do it in the first place? Why would they be able to just waltz into this hot spot full of criminals (that just happens to have a cabin they can use), if the government is aware of the problem and even has agents actively pursuing the crooks? Wouldn't they have blocked off the area? And why wouldn't they have more than one radio that can transmit? Because the guy says they are "expensive"? Seriously?!?!?

The only thing I can think of that would cause a movie to roll out the way this one does is if they lost some of the footage or just couldn't afford to keep filming and decided to release it as-is. Any way you slice it, the flick would be B-movie crap, but there are some critical scenes missing that would have made the film make a lot more sense and, as I mentioned, character development is just about nil. The dialogue is atrocious and is made more so by the all-around lack of acting ability of every single character. This movie is really bad, make no mistake, but I give it two stars because I delight in watching awful action flicks, but this one really goes over the top. It isn't so bad it's good--it's like a wreck where you can't look away and, if you don't have a thing for bad movies, you'll absolutely hate it. It's a righteous stinker and you've been warned!

Us (II) (2019)

Dumb As Hell

[2/10 · 24 April 2023]

Who beefed up the rating for this turkey? Before I tear into it, I'll start by saying it actually has a pretty decent twist ending / unraveling, which is about the only nice thing I can say about this nonsensical waste of time, although it sure as hell doesn't save it from being garbage. So, the basic premise of this flick is that, for reasons not explained, the US Government decided to clone everyone and hide them underground until they all decided to get loose and, if that isn't ridiculous enough, they also managed to make every one of the clones the exact same age as the person they are cloned from, which would be impossible unless they are all test tube babies or something. Also, the clones are psychotic but, somehow, they managed feed and groom themselves and keep their living quarters spotlessly clean. Heck, they have rabbits running around all over the place and even they don't make a mess, which is impressive since they tend to be incontinent. Anyways, that is the suspense of disbelief you are supposed to be doing to yourself to get through this thing and it is stupid as hell.

Granted, the horror genre has been pretty stagnant for years, so it takes a bit of imagination to try to not be repetitive. Ever heard of a flick called "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"? Well, maybe that isn't a good comparison because that movie scared the hell out of me when I was a little kid while this movie's attempt at horror is pathetic. I mean, this lady can't even move a small wooden coffee table? And how would the clones even know where she or any of the other clones lived? And who cares, anyways, because the whole movie is nonsense? Worse, yet, it seems to take forever for something to start happening and, when things finally start happening, all you can do is say, "Are you serious?" It's just that dumb. Anyways, like I said, the ending is pretty decent, especially considering the rest of the movie is pretty much retarded but, when you take what you learn at the end into consideration, a whole bunch of other questions start popping up, making the already dumb stuff you just sat through seem even more ridiculous! So, let me repeat, who beefed up the rating for this turkey?

Timemaster (1995)

Crapmaster

[1/10 · 23 April 2023]

So, I read the other reviews of this flick first and decided I'd try to watch it with an open mind and at least pretend I was watching something that was put together properly and unjustly misunderstood. Well, that's not the case with Timemaster, and this film is every bit as bad as the other negative Nellie's say it is. First off, with few exceptions, any movie that has an extended monologue at the beginning that attempts to explain what you're watching is a fail--you're supposed to figure that out by yourself by watching the movie, but it's neither here nor there in this flick because so much of what goes on with the characters is unexplained, leaving you completely lost from the very beginning. For example, what's so special about this family in the first place and what time did they actually come from? Not that you'd care after about 15 minutes because the film is a complete mess.

I could go on and on, but there are two things in the film that jumped out at me as being completely hilarious. First, there is the ridiculous concept that people on earth are nothing more than chess pieces in some sort of high-tech video game. Yeah, that's a little far-fetched, so how do they portray the game console? With these goofy chairs that bounce up and down for no reason and a bunch of buttons and knobs that you push and crank without any rhyme or reason, either. Sound dumb? Try watching it. Then, there is the scene where the kid tries to thwart a nuclear war, right after the bad guys enter the code to set it off. How did they get the code? Easy enough, the second you open the briefcase the first thing you see is a computer screen telling you the code, even taking the trouble and screen space to mention it is for starting a nuclear war! Kind of defeats the purpose of having a secret code!

Personally, I have a thing for stinker movies like this, and kind of enjoyed it in a sick way, but be assured this film is a royal piece of garbage. While normally I'd attribute this sort of mess to a producer deciding to splice a couple of half-filmed projects into one movie to make a quick buck, this does not appear to be the case with Timemaster and everything that's wrong with it can be attributed to shear ineptitude and bad screen writing. As far as bad movies go, I put this one on the level of Deadly Drifter or Skullduggery, except those films were attempting to be kind of arty and clever, while this thing is just crap. Watch only if you are into self-abuse.

Avenged (2013)

Average Trash

[4/10 · 18 March 2023]

This is a pretty average revenge flick but I guess, compared to most of the other dreck that gets offered up these days, I can say it's not bad. Watching a movie like this is like doing shots of hard liquor or eating some sort of junk food you'd get sick of pretty quick if you ate it every day. It serves its purpose. The bad guys are ridiculously stupid, violent, and evil, getting away with crimes that no one would ever get away with or even want to do for that matter. The death scenes are over the top, but I've seen better. The dialogue is completely retarded, but it's so bad I actually liked it, mixed with the terrible acting. The basic premise is nonsense, not that it matters. It's not that great of a film, but I was kind of in the mood for one of these things and it did the trick. It would be easy to pick apart everything that is wrong with it, but it isn't meant to be good in the first place. Watchable for what it is, but I've seen much better.

Tintorera: Killer Shark (1977)

1970's Douche-O-Rama

[1/10 · 7 January 2023]

While ultimately one is inclined to lump this film in with all the other Jaws knockoffs, this one has a little more going on than the usual killer sea beast rama-lama-dingdong. In fact, it's even more horrific than Jaws. So, what could be more horrific than a giant, killer shark you ask? Sitting through over two hours of this douchey, wannabe swinger group marriage free love 1970's BS! Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing I like more than pointless, gratuitous nudity supplemented in lieu of decent action or a plot, but this thing is such utter claptrap and over-the-top fantasy it's enough to make your skin crawl. I grew up in the 70's and spent my youth mocking the very attitudes depicted in this film and they still annoy me to this day and, believe me, there was NEVER any place on earth where things went down between men and women like they show in this movie. Never.

So, aside from the above, what do we have? A bunch of unlikable characters living the sort of tough lives 99% of us never get to live, performing such arduous tasks as partying on yachts, hanging out at the beach all day, snorkeling, fishing, picking up chicks in bars, and "shark hunting" in the most dangerous and stupid fashion imaginable. My heart really bled for these guys, and I kept hoping that a shark would come along that was big enough to just devour the whole gang all at once, but no such luck. The pacing in this film is glacial, the action minimal, the soundtrack like nails on a chalkboard (aside from the growling shark noise that I found to be kind of funny), the plot is ridiculous and this whole mess runs way too long with a totally lame ending. I usually save this sort of hate for newer films, but this one rubbed me the wrong way big time. Heck, they even have Priscilla Barnes in this thing, and you barely even get to see her. Pathetic. Watch at your own risk!

Genesis II (1973 TV Movie)

Idiocracy: A New Beginning

[6/10 · 31 December 2022]

Unlike a lot of reviewers on here, I can't claim to have any sort of expectation for something that "Roddenberry" was involved in and all I have to say is that, if his other stuff is as full of massive plot holes and huge leaps of basic logic as this thing, then I think I'll pass. So, these guys thought it would be a good idea to build an underground network across massive fault lines (in California no less!) and not expect an earthquake? And how does this suspended animation contraption work again? You stick the guy in a massive Tupperware jar and what did he do for air for 150 years? And no one owns a gun in the future? This is never explained, nor is it explained how the "mutants" were able to subdue the humans to the degree they did in such a relatively short period of time (without guns!). So, they are twice as strong and have these stinger thing-ma-doohickeys? Big deal--they are drastically outnumbered and obviously not twice as smart, or they would have figured out their energy problem. And so on.

But don't get me wrong--this movie is entertaining as hell. Stupid, yes, but fun. Ending leaves a lot to be desired and they decided to skip a huge chunk of action where the hero rigs a nuclear warhead to explode and then escapes (not like anyone would want to watch that or anything), presumably to fit it into time constraints and save a buck or two. Pretty dumb stuff and bad overall, but I got some good laughs out of it and would watch again. Recommended.

Evil Ed (1995)

Special Ed

[3/10 · 28 December 2022]

It has been suggested that this film is sort of a commentary on the boilerplate, generic horror films Hollywood has been cranking out over the years, but in 1995? Heck, those guys hadn't seen nuthin', yet. Aside from that, how is it commentary when the film itself is about as boring and generic as the stuff it is criticizing? After about 30 minutes this thing gets to be pretty tiring and, to be perfectly honest, watching some chick get raped by a beaver and have her head blown off by a bazooka would have breathed some life into it, had they bothered to show that scene. The whole concept of Ed losing his mind from watching violent movies doesn't work at all, especially how it is portrayed in this film and, for some reason, the way the dialogue and lame humor comes across made me think of Ren & Stimpy, possibly because that show was still part of pop culture in 1995 and was also lame and I hated it. It's a decent time-killer and I've seen worse but, like the generic Hollywood crapola it attempts to parody, I'll probably never watch it again.

The Journey: Absolution (1997)

For The Love Of Pete...........

[2/10 · 12 December 2022]

So who is "Pete", anyways? For some reason this film employs the phrase "for the love of Pete" repeatedly and all I can guess is, judging by the looks of the male cast, more than a couple of them may, in fact, have been in love with a guy named "Pete". The plot has been used countless times in other movies, involving some guy infiltrating a secret government organization plotting to overthrow the government and the world and yada, yada, yada. You've seen it all before and this cheap straight to video junk is typical of the time period and, for me personally, a prime example of why I lost interest in newer movies, never mind the homoerotic nonsense. Can be used as a time-waster or sleep aid, but its mostly just crap.

Mazes and Monsters (1982 TV Movie)

Buffy Bombs Big

[1/10 · 5 December 2022]

Well, this movie is a stinker in every sense of the word, but it does bring to light two phenomena, neither of which are supernatural: how in the world did some people make such a fuss over such a dorky game like D&D and how did such a dorky, mediocre actor like Tom Hanks manage to get a career and become one of the Hollywood gods? The dude will always be Buffy in my eyes, and I'll never understand what all the flap is about. Anyways, this is one of those so-bad-it's-bad movies where I just found myself shaking my head throughout and barely managed to persevere to the ending which, I'll admit, was the only thing that made me laugh in the entire flick. First off, what are the odds of a bunch of college kids being into a childish game like this (including a decent-looking female, no less) when even the most hardcore geeks stop playing this D&D by the time they are 16? The bit about Buffy getting lost in the game and losing his mind is completely retarded, makes no sense on any level and, seeing as that is the whole core of the story, you just sit in awe of the fact that someone actually thought it was a good idea to make a movie about it. I like bad, dumb movies, but this one really pushed it for me, although I'll admit seeing Hanks in it probably added to the annoyance factor. If you want to see a decent movie where a guy loses his mind to a childish fantasy watch "Pin" (1988) and skip this trash.

1984 (1956)

Inferior to the 1984 version

[5/10 · 23 November 2022]

I assume in 1956 not as many people were familiar with Orwell's novel and, thus, the film makers were able to take some liberties with the story and by "some" I mean a lot. This isn't a bad movie but is nowhere near as good as the 1984 version I grew up with, mostly in its failure to stick to the original story and the depiction of the society described by Orwell. I think the 1984 version nails it with the decay, bleakness, filth, and general drabness creating a memorable and oppressive mood that really works for me, while this version barely comes close. Character development for Winston is weak and, of course, his relationship with Julia is as sanitized as one would expect for the time period this movie was made in. Not an awful movie and I was curious about it for some time but, having now satisfied my curiosity, I doubt I'll be watching it again any time soon. Watch the 1984 version if you want to see some justice done to Orwell's masterpiece.

Evils of the Night (1985)

The most deserving teenage victims ever!

[7/10 · 12 November 2022]

Several B-movie legends in this film and that doesn't help it one bit, but this movie is worth watching for no other reason than it features some of the most inept (and deserving) teenage victims I've ever seen in a horror flick. I mean these kids, aside from being borderline mentally retarded, literally have the killer instincts of an earthworm and you get to watch it in detail in one of the most drawn-out and lame kill/rape/torture scenes ever. So, the kids are tied up, one of the girls breaks free and manages to hit the bad guy a bunch of times with a steel bar that, in real life, would put a guy into a coma but this is the movies. In typical horror movie style, she doesn't kill him, drops the weapon and, instead of using one of many sharp objects in the room, fiddles around with her bare hands trying to get the other girl (not the strapping guy who can fight) loose, while the bad guy gets up and chases her around for a while as she throws objects at him (instead of attacking with many serviceable hand tools in the room) and gets herself killed. So, what does the other girl do a few minutes later when the bad guy tries to rape her? The exact same thing! Then, later, there is a scene where one of the other girls, armed with an axe, has a clean shot of the guy with his back turned to her. What does she do? Gibbers and shakes and then swings and misses! This is a hilarious, bad horror flick but so dumb it's almost annoying. Seriously, if you're a fan of these type of movies, this one needs to be seen to be believed. Epic stupid.

Black Eagle (1988)

Lackluster

[3/10 · 22 October 2022]

Well, I like Sho Kosugi and, honestly, I've probably seen more of his movies than Van Damme's. The guy is an excellent martial arts performer and the same goes for Van Damme, even though I'm not a huge fan. They are both excellent. So, you'd think a movie where these two masters are going head-to-head would feature some kick-ass action, right? Well, no. Imagine going to a race track and seeing a bunch of Ferrari's and Maserati's with racing modifications lined up, only for the race to start and, instead, you see a Hyundai Elantra and Toyota Camry drive around the track going 40mph for 90 minutes and then the race ends. That's this movie. It has the promise of something happening but instead you get this tired spy movie plot that makes little sense (like the respective governments couldn't have handled this through negotiations) and lame action. Sho wasn't a good front man for this at all and his character was unbelievable, and Van Damme hardly does squat. I actually fell asleep for a few minutes around the 1:15:00 mark and woke up for the lackluster ending, feeling like I missed nothing. I've seen worse, but this is pretty tepid, lame stuff and, even though I paid $0.25 for this thing, I kind of feel cheated. Lots of bad reviews out there for this one and it deserves them.