arion1 Reviews

The Path to 9/11 (2006)

Propaganda - Nothing More

[1/10 · 25 October 2007]

The Path to 9/11 is an awful example of what can happen to the truth in the hands of those who make it up as they go along.

Unbeknownst to most people, this program was part of a deliberate disinformation campaign designed to blame the Clinton administration for allowing the 9/11 attacks to occur.

According to The Nation, the director, David Cunningham, is a Christian deconstructionist who is dedicated to using stealth political methods to replace the U.S. Constitution with Biblical law. The movie was written by Cyrus Nowrasteh, a right-wing activist connected to far-right activist David Horowitz's Center for the Study of Popular Culture, which also sells right-wing books and heavily promotes David Horowitz's own books. Horowitz titles include: Hating Whitey and Other Progressive Causes, The Hate America Left and The Politics of Bad Faith: The Radical Assault on America's Future.

Following the broadcast of The Path to 9/11, ABC's co-parent, the Walt Disney Company, reportedly ordered an internal corporate investigation into the movie and its intent. One wonders what they found?

The Ugily Family (1980 TV Movie)

Bad Comedy: DOA!

[1/10 · 23 November 2006]

I actually took part in a preview screening of this show in 1982, and it was so bad I still remember it vividly! The premise was based on cultural mix-ups. In brief, Bradley Ugily (pronounced you-gee-lee) and his family have moved from New Jersey to Southern California and must deal with the hip culture there. Along for the ride is his overweight mother, played by none other than Doris Roberts, who would go on to co-star in Remington Steele.

The truly awful thing about this show was the writing, which was done to fulfill an East Coast person's preconceptions about what California is like. All the Californians were tanned, wore Aloha shirts, and had perpetual smiles like their facial muscles were frozen stiff. The Ugily's moved into a beach-front house (of course!), and their daughter was concerned about her performance in a new fad, "Disco Sand-Dancing"! The entire show basically rested on a one-joke premise: that California is a beachfront Babylon of suntans and easy living. In all likelihood the writer lived in New York City and took his cues from listening to a tape-loop of the Beach Boys.

When the time came for the audience to submit their ratings, I took great pleasure in giving this video horror an enthusiastic thumbs-down. Thankfully, it sank into oblivion, never to resurface.

Gabriel Goes to the City (1979)

Innocents Abroad

[7/10 · 18 September 2006]

SPOILER WARNING: Since there is no summary or any information about this movie, I will tell you what I remember.

This was an unusual film set in New York City, just before the First World War. It could just as well have been called Innocents Abroad, because it was really about the loss of innocence.

Gabriel is a naive young man who leaves his home on a farm and sets out for the Big City. On the train, he pours out his heart and his desires to a complete stranger, who has a stereotypical long nose and a hustler's eye. As the two of them are leaving the station he tells the fellow, "I can't wait until something exciting happens!" "It already has," the man assures him, and moments later Gabriel realizes his pocket been picked and all his money is gone! Gabriel slides downhill fast; he has no job, no friends to fall back on, and the formerly exciting city has become a sinister sea of faces. At one point, weak from hunger, he attempts to steal meat scraps from a butcher's block, and nearly loses his fingers from the meat-cutter's cleaver. Finally, ill and starving, he topples into a street and is almost run down by a fire truck. A prosperous-looking woman picks him up and takes him home.

The crowd scenes are particularly good, and the fire truck is a horse-drawn contraption with a real smoking boiler. Particular attention was paid to the details, it seems.

It quickly becomes apparent that the kind woman is a Madam, but as Gabriel eats and talks about his life, he is oblivious to it all. The Madam and her girls think him amusing, and when Gabriel finally realizes where he is, he is disgusted that he is nothing more than comic relief. He soon pitches in at the cat house, tending bar, and ejecting customers, determined to make something of himself. In time, he sees that the most powerful customer at the whorehouse is a political fixer who has a black book with names and addresses in it, and all their assorted peccadilloes. Like Excalibur's sword, it is the symbol of his power. Gabriel decides to steal it, and grab all the power for himself.

Complicating the matter is a pretty brunette-haired newcomer to the whorehouse who catches both the fixer's and Gabriel's eye. The two vie for the girl throughout the year and well into the Christmas season. The woman (whose name I've forgotten) abruptly can't stand the attention and runs off to join the Salvation Army, taking the fabled book with her. Gabriel pursues her, and grabs the black book, elated that he has his power at last. In a telling moment, he stands at the top of the bridge shouting that he has the city in his hands, and then discovers that he's holding a hymnal from the Salvation Army! In a faint, he falls into the icy East River.

Curiously enough, Gabriel's actions have impressed his rival, and he offers Gabriel a job. Gabriel celebrates his new fortune (and his engagement to the girl) with a party at the brothel. His family comes out from the farm, just as naive as he was originally. The film ends with Gabriel's mother saluting the Madam with a glass of champagne, crying, "God bless this house!" The movie is pretty well-written and the sets show the pretentiousness of Edwardian society, with all the corruption and seediness of the big city. Gabriel is very much an Everyman, who trustingly walks into the lion's mouth, never seeing the teeth! his realization of the dangers and intricacies of life comes only haltingly.

Why this is not available, I cannot say. I enjoyed the film, and grasped its message (information is power, regardless of morality) very quickly. I don't recall who starred, but they all did a good job.

Star Trek: Voyager (1995–2001)

Horrible Incarnation!

[2/10 · 20 October 2005]

Voyager marked the beginning of the end of the Star Trek franchise. There was nothing original about it; the producers simply took a proverbial pair of scissors and a bottle of paste and ducked into a film cutting room.

The pilot episode was clear evidence of Paramount's lack of imagination, as virtually everything had been stolen from old movies or previously run episodes: Janeway recruits convicted felons to fill out her crew for a dangerous mission (The Dirty Dozen); the ship is sent to the far side of the galaxy in an instant (Arena); lost humans far from home (Lost in Space); extraterrestrials are bribed with water (Ice Pirates); underground city ruled by technocrats (THX 1138--the scene of crawling out of the city into the desert was glaringly similar); humans trying to find Earth (Battlestar Galactica); the list goes on and on! The irritability of the show was built upon by the "Utopian" principles laid down by Gene Roddenberry. Not once did a crewman throw down a tool in anger and say, "You know, you really tick me off!" Everyone was perfect, and technology solved all problems. Star Trek's obsession with deus ex machina (God out of the machine) grew to intolerable levels.

By contrast, J. Micheal Straczynski's Babylon 5 series was populated with human beings who suffered very real problems: drunkenness, drug addiction, grief, guilt, in short, they were human! Voyager was populated by cardboard cutouts and wooden mannequins whose actions were limited by apparent ground rules requiring them to exist within the confines of a perfect society. With such limitations it is no wonder that all the episodes look and sound the same.

So why did Voyager last? Because of the phenomenon called "Treadmill Trekkies": die-hard fans who lined up for anything remotely related to Star Trek. As long as they kept swallowing the swill which Paramount dished up the producers needed only to invest minimal quality. Finally, after the abominations known as Star Trek Enterprise & Star Trek Nemesis appeared, it dawned on the Treadmill Trekkies that they were being taken for suckers, and Star Trek finally died of terminal neglect.

Voyager was without a doubt living proof that with a loyal fan base, anything can get on television. Of course, as Reality-TV lurches into its seventh season, it's obvious that TV Moguls have learned that lesson well.

The Starlost (1973–1974)

What Might Have Been...

[1/10 · 10 July 2005]

Like all of Harlan Ellison's writing, the original concept is staggering.

Take dozens of disparate cultures (Amish, old Chinese, Futuristic, etc.) and isolate them in self-supporting domes 100 miles in diameter. The domes represent the various cultures of Earth, and are intended to be planted onto a new planet because Earth is dying out. Each culture is just one part of a huge spacecraft on a multi-generational sublight trip to another star system.

Now comes the problem. During the voyage, something breaks down on the steering mechanism and the ship veers off course. The people in the domes forget they're on a starship.

Hundreds of years later, an Amish child is hoeing in the fields and accidentally strikes the door-opening mechanism, and he finds his way into a hallway which connects the domes! He can't explain what he's found to his fellow Amish because they have no A Priori experience with something like this.

Added to which, the ship is now on course for a black hole! Somehow, a way must be found to awaken the various cultures, teach them about the nature of reality, and save the ship.

Done properly, this could have been an amazing show! Regrettably, the TV executives decided (as TV people often do) that "audiences are basically stupid" so they dumbed it down, gave the computer an artificial personality (that sounded like a telephone operator on quaaludes) and basically ran the show into the ground.

Harlan Ellison changed his name on the credits and bailed out, refusing to compromise his integrity. Bravo for him!!!

The Fantastic Journey (1977)

Striking Similarities...

[2 April 2005]

This show has some striking similarities to other television shows, which did become successful series, Stargate SG-1 & Sliders. Moreover, the formats are quite similar as well: 1. The viewer "travels" with the hosts to different worlds.

2. All involve scientific experiments which produce danger.

3. Both Sliders and Fantastic Journey are about travel to parallel universes.

4. All three involve different planets accessible only to a select team.

5. Both Sliders and Fantastic Journey are about people trying to find their way home.

6. Both Fantastic Journey & Stargate SG-1 have an alien in the cast.

7. Both Fantastic Journey and Stargate SG-1 are scripted by Katharyn Powers.

8. All three shows have a movie actor in the cast who played a supporting role in a big picture but was never an outright "star".

So for those who would like to see Fantastic Journey on TV again, don't fret! Technically, it did come back, just in a different skin!

Total Recall 2070: Machine Dreams: Part 1 (1999) Season 1, Episode 1

Another Homage to Philip K. Dick...

[10/10 · 26 February 2005]

This was an unusual video homage to the writing of Philip K. Dick. What made this pilot (and the subsequent series) unusual was that the world pictured was actually a combination of both Total Recall (taken from the story, "We Remember For You, Wholesale") and Bladerunner (from the book, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep"). This unusual fusion gives the viewer a cop show, with a science-fiction edge which is remarkably sharp.

The story is that of David Hume (Michael Easton), a tired officer of the CPB (citizen's Protection Bureau) who walks a daily tightrope between the duty he owes the people and the cryptic Assessor's Office, which enforces the law on the megalithic corporations whose power dwarfs the government. When Hume's partner Nick Blanchard (Thomas Kretschmann) is killed by rogue androids, he finds himself at odds with everyone. Things only get worse when the department assigns him a new partner, Ian Farve (Karl Pruner), whom Hume sees as naive and hopelessly new to the job. The only bright spot is Hume's lovely wife, Olivia (Cynthia Preston), who is there for him, but she has a few skeletons in her closet, too.

Like Philip K. Dick's own writing, themes of empathy and reality are emphasized throughout the film, while the yawning canyons of skyscrapers and flying cars are offered as a technological counterpoint. The film also mimics one of the central themes in Dick's stories; an existentialist view of the world: do we see things as they really are? Can you, for example, spot the androids in the shots of the streets of Hume's city? The series which followed this movie continued the same style, but its ultimate failure in the ratings was not through poor story quality. The series had, by far, the best writing I've yet seen. What doomed it, I think, was probably the largest irony in the Science Fiction genre. SF stories on TV usually spend too much time on the technological end and not enough on the people themselves. Any one of the Star Trek shows from Next Generation on is a perfect case in point! Total Recall 2070, by contrast, spent too much of its time telling the stories of the people at the CPB; it was too human, and in Philip K. Dick's world of lifelike androids, that is indeed a bitter irony!

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Bailey v. Kane

[9/10 · 27 December 2004]

An acquaintance of mine recently commented that she thought there was an interesting correlation between this film and Orson Welles' Citizen Kane.

George Bailey was the man that Charles Foster Kane would have liked to have been. Kane's tragedy was that like a hereditary king, he was thrust into the center of momentous events, and expected to live up to the duties. Unlike George Bailey, though, he had no real nemesis whose punches he had to block. Bailey was trying to better the lives of those around him, by foiling the actions of Potter.

Also, while Kane became a more complex Mr. Potter, he never gave up the longing for a more simple life. This, of course, was personified by Rosebud; it was his Persian Flaw, but one which he never revealed to anyone lest they discover a chink in his armor. By contrast, Mr. Potter had no real longing for simplicity. He saw money and power as the only real gains in his life, and didn't care what anyone thought of him. Witness his speech in his attempt to woo Bailey to his side, "...you know I own almost everything in this town and most people hate my guts...". Potter, although powerful, like Kane, didn't have the same goals. He is very much the spider that Bailey says he is.

Conversely, Bailey probably could do the job that Charles Foster Kane did. He was capable of handling a stressful job, and once warmed to it, did a good job. Unlike Kane, however, he would use the power of the Press for the common good, since that is his ultimate goal. That's a thought I find most amusing, actually: imagine Jimmy Stewart in the Welles production!

Battlestar Galactica (1978)

RECIPE FOR A ONE-SEASON SHOW:

[5 December 2004]

Ingredients:

17 stories which use cowardice as the prime component (Again and again the primary thread in Battlestar Galactica was "They're right behind us! Run, run!" Never a counteroffensive, never a strategic raid, or a grand offensive against an unprotected enemy planet).

Reuse lots of special effects, and assume the viewers will never notice.

Mix in heavy-handed morality tales.

Six quarts of Biblical & religious references.

Sift in cast of unknowns.

One big name from a Western series to attract the wrong kind of audience.

Mix at high speed with overtones of despair, and desperation, but do not allow hope to develop [this is important!].

Ten gallons of cost overruns for expensive flavor.

DO NOT USE REAL SCIENCE IN STORIES (viewers are stupid, they'll never know the difference).

Garnish with lots of hype.

Serve cold.

Time Express (1979)

A Good Effort...

[19 July 2004]

This was a good effort at creating a Twilight Zone-type of story, using time-travel as the main plot device. Vincent Price starred as the host and principal owner of a train which traveled back and forth in time. As I recall they overlaid a Pullman train stock shot with lots of fog to simulate the mysticism of time-travel.

There were two episodes which I saw, and both were fairly good. The first involved the story of a man whose wife required a bone marrow transplant. Her parents couldn't give it, but it turned out she was adopted. The orphanage records had been lost in a fire, so, Time Express to the rescue! Of course, almost no one in the past believed him except a friendly nun who believed in miracles. The twist (every good story has them!) was that upon learning of his long-lost sister, the unknowing brother doesn't want to give his marrow. Later at the end, however, he shows up and explains that his wife has told him he's going to be a father and "...it didn't seem right to let one life die when a new one is being born." Actually, since I remember the dialogue, it must have had an effect on me!

The second story was about a garbage man who found millions of dollars in cash while emptying cans, and went on to become a financier. He felt guilty about it, because he never knew whose money it was. Time Express allowed him to replay that fortunate incident, and this time he called it in to the police. It turned out that the money was a cash deposit by one mobster to another to pay back a loan! After a confrontation between the gangsters and the sanitation workers, the garbage man still ends up with the money!

While Vincent Price could never measure up to Rod Serling, the show was pretty good. Decent writing, with hints of something else in the background. At one point the conductor is chatting with the engineer, and make mention of the fact that this is all a second chance for them, as their train "went down into that gulley with no chance of ever coming back".

This was a good try, and a worthy entry into the Hall of Almost Series'.

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs (1993–1994)

Sadly Extinct

[7/10 · 10 January 2004]

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs was the brainchild of black-and-white comics artist Mark Shultz. A longtime illustrator--and automobile enthusiast--Shultz hit upon unique idea: why not create a world in which humans inhabit a world side-by-side with dinosaurs?

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs was the result, and it was an immediate hit. The comic book series spawned trade paperback collections (published by the now-defunct Kitchen Sink Press) and a season of animated cartoons. All of the stories explored the new world through the eyes of Jack Tenrec, a garage mechanic and espouser of an obscure philosophy called Machinato Vitae (Machinery of Life). His constant companion is Hannah Dundee, a very capable woman who thinks Jack is a savage. His foil is an ogre of a woman named Scharnhorst, who wants to push human civilization forward at whatever the cost.

The stories worked because the people were realistic, but largely ignorant of their past. Only in the comic books did you get a hint of how this world came about (clue: think Jurassic Park on a global scale!), and even then it was never said outright, which gave the whole series an air of mystery.

So why didn't the series work? Probably because the series was too unique. Animated shows typically fall into one of three categories: slapstick (Loony Tunes), satire (The Simpsons), or adventure (X-Men). Cadillacs and Dinosaurs really didn't fit into any of these molds, and its underlying environmental message undoubtedly confused the cable and TV executives into thinking it was an "Educational Show" which to media moguls says, "No profit margin". Rather than try something new, the powers-that-be elected to scuttle the show.

As a final note, it's unknown what happened to the series' creator. Mark Shultz has literally dropped from sight, leaving the Cadillacs and Dinosaurs saga hanging on a precipice. In the final story, Hannah and friends have faked Tenrec's death in order to throw Scharnhorst (who has seized power in a coup) off his trail. To this day, there has been no word as to how this extraordinary tale will end! That is perhaps the biggest tragedy of all.

Mazes and Monsters (1982 TV Movie)

A Biased and Bigoted Drama

[5/10 · 2 January 2004]

While cinemtically well shot, this is a biased and bigoted drama which provided fodder for religious fundamentalists in their war against role-playing games.

The premise of the movie is simple: three college students play a role-playing game called Mazes and Monsters, an all-too-obvious ripoff of Dungeons & Dragons. When the game thins, one of the members hits on the not-so-original idea of taking the game to the next level, by dressing up and doing it live. One of the players, who's less mentally balanced than the rest, stays "in-character" when the game is over.

It's a simple schizophrenic mind-swap, and seems like Walter Mitty all over again. By following literary and character clues, his friends track the player (Tom Hanks) to New York City, and start looking for the Two Towers. In this post-9/11 world, the sight of the World Trade Towers being used in this story give it new meaning. The confrontation with Hanks' character, Robbie Wheeling, is a bit unnerving; a sign of Hanks' power, and a good hint of his future prowess in acting.

Sadly, this movie and its story were cited as Gospel by foes of Dungeons & Dragons, and role-playing games in general. The story was reinvented and twisted several times by religious fundamentalists in their crusade against D&D's maker, TSR, and its later parent corporation, Wizards of the Coast. Given that D$D is nearing its 30th anniversary, such animosity can only be called bigotry. It's also ironic when you consider that more people are killed yearly in the name of religion, than have ever been in the name of Mazes and Monsters!

Levity (2003)

A Quiet Ten!

[10/10 · 1 January 2004]

One of the greatest problems in Hollywood today is the misperception that for a movie to be a winner, you need gunfights, women in tight clothes, sexual innuendoes, and few dozen explosions. Levity has none of these, and it shines.

Billy Bob Thornton play Emmanuel Jordan, a man released from prison for killing a convenience store clerk. Jordan appears genuinely humbled by his experience, a man deeply in need of redemption: his eyes are sunken, his hair grown long, and one cannot help but think that all he needs to complete the look is a sackcloth and ashes on his forehead. Too many ex-convicts in films are leering madman, already planning their next caper. Even the character's name speaks of a spiritual role: Jordan means, "Descending"; Emmanuel means, "God is with us".

Pulled from the street by Miles Evans (Morgan Freeman), a tired preacher running a mission, Jordan begins his duties as a custodian, working with quiet efficiency. He also begins working on his redemption, following the steps laid out in a medieval manuscript. One of the steps involves giving back to the ones you've hurt. He seeks out Adele Easley, the sister of the teenager he killed and begins adding to her life. She is a single mother, struggling to correct the life of her son, whom she has named Abner, after her dead brother. Jordan also finds time to work with Sofia Mellinger (Kirsten Dunst), a teenager who seems to be self-destructing in front of his very eyes.

It's been said that when one takes a life, you remain one step removed from the rest of the humanity. That is the way Jordan looks and moves. Early in the film he is standing in an underground passage, and everyone else is moving around him. His eyes--which look convincingly haunted--stare at the jostling crowds with a numbness that leaves you chilled. Though the troubled youths he works with mock his sallow face, they themselves are living close to death themselves (gunshots and drive-bys riddle their conversations) but are unaware of its power or consequences. Jordan, sadder and wiser, struggles to make them aware the fragility of their lives; like the prophet he is named after, he has much wisdom to offer, but knows not how to give voice to it.

One of the great messages of this film is that appearances are deceiving. Sofia seems to be the happy-go-lucky teenager, but Jordan learns she is living in a soon-to-be foreclosed house, and has virtually nothing to her name. Adele, though beautiful, has more demons than her dead brother. Even Preacher Miles is hiding a wounded soul, and his final secret leaves you stunned. The cityscape itself (Montreal, Canada) seems shiny, but their is a cold texture beneath which deals mercilessly with its inhabitants.

Levity is a keeper, and should be seen by all. Like its message, the quiet cast hides much beneath its quiet exterior.

Futurama (1999– )

Playing the Futures Market!

[24 December 2003]

Although Matt Groening will long be remembered for the Simpsons (15 seasons and still funny!), Futurama is a playful poke at the future, which, sadly, never quite caught on. It should have, for all the elements which make a success are here!

Philip J. Fray is a young man who suffers a tragic accident, falling into a cryogenic tube which freezes him for 1,000 years. To the day, in the far future, he finds himself thawed out in the 30th century, to find that his new world isn't all that different: there is still crime, people doze off in front of the TV, and though aliens and robots are everywhere, the world is still livable.

Taking a job at Planet Express as delivery boy, Fry makes friends with a humorous variety of characters: Bender, the kleptomaniac robot; Leela, a starship captain who could be beautiful, save that she has only one eye; Hermes Conrad, a young Jamaican who is a strict bureaucrat (although he once limboed in the Olympics!); John Zoidberg, a wannabe-doctor whose alien species seems to be a cross between lobster and Hasidic Jew; and, Professor Farnsworth, who turns out to be Fry's many-times-removed great-nephew!

From falling in love with Leela (who rolls her eye at his attentions) to discovering that the interest in his checking account has made him a billionaire, Fry struggles to make sense of the future, and makes us laugh while he's doing it. Though not quite as dense as Homer, Fry shows romanticism for popular culture, while being completely unaware of what that is at the present time! He's the Everyman in all of us.

I tune in every night when Futurama plays on Cartoon Network, and wonder why the general public didn't find this as enjoyable as I. Perhaps it's because the world of Futurama isn't quite as sweeping as we imagine it should be. Dollars and cents are still the currency, the American flag is still recognizable, and though the cops shoot ray-guns there are still criminals to be caught. Perhaps the general public still believes in a future Utopia, and Futurama threatened to burst that bubble.

Regardless, this is still a comedic cartoon not to be missed!

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

The Trailer is Better Than the Film!

[1/10 · 23 December 2003]

This movie was a colossal waste of time. One would think with two such fine stars in the lead, there would be a good script to go with it, but no go!

Two con artists try to outdo each other by swindling people out of their money, but are taken in by a third party. Besides the questionable taste of the plot itself, the story is further tainted by poking fun at everything from people with disabilities to the charity of strangers, to love itself. Honesty and selflessness are thrown aside in a scurrilous rush to self-enrichment at the expense of other people's better nature.

I was actually sucked into this film by watching the trailer of Caine and Martin casually pushing a man off a pier while walking by, and thought this would be a rich tale of two misfits; perhaps something on the scale of _The Man Who Would Be King_. Nope. DRS is a tasteless bath in the art of fraud and grand theft, which, if you've ever been a victim, is no laughing matter.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

Humanity, At Last!

[13 December 2003]

This series is a remake of the failed series originally conceptualized by Glen Larson in the 1970s, and succeeds where Larson did not. The reason is simple: the people are Human.

Glen Larson's original concept built upon the idea perpetuated by Erich Von Danckian, that the human race on Earth was seeded by 'ancient astronauts'. To that end, he peppered his people with "telltales"; the fighter helmets looked like Egyptian headdresses, the planets were named after Astrological signs, the people had Classical names (Apollo, Athena, etc.). This remake doesn't altogether dismiss these concepts, but it doesn't rely heavily on them either. The focus of the story is rather on the emotional, flawed people themselves.

The story is elementally the same: a spacefaring civilization is wiped out in a Pearl Harbor-like attack by a race of androids. Fighting valiantly, the people congregate and flee into the stars hoping to find refuge. Larson's concept was allegedly based on the flight of the Israelites out of Egypt, but again, this telltale is not pressed; viewers are left to make their own comparisons. Also, the character of Adama (Edward Olmos) is less that of a savior, and more of a hardened military commander. Where Lorne Greene's Adama spoke with an almost priestly baritone, Olmos' voice is growling bass reminiscent of Patton.

Most intriguing is Rymer's revision of formerly male characters to female ones! Starbuck, the happy-go-lucky fighter pilot formerly played by Dirk Benedict, is now a woman, Lieutenant Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace (Katee Sackhoff). And this illustrates another strength: rather than using ethereal-sounding names, the characters have credible nom de guerres, with nicknames, much as real people do. Their relationships with each other are founded on admiration, angst, love and even sexual tension (it is only at the very end that we learn that Apollo and Starbuck were once lovers!).

Perhaps the most impressive is the revamped design of spacecraft. Borrowing a page from Babylon 5, the ships have vertical and lateral thrusters allowing for three-dimensional battle, rather than the aircraft-stlye of fighting which is ludicrous in empty space. The dogfights which in the original series had cheezy sound effects and smokey contrails (both impossible in a vacuum) are now largely silent, and show the effects of weightlessness The pilot's uniforms now visibly double as emergency spacesuits, and there is even talk of fuel capacities and the need for Faster-Than-Light drives on slower ships. In the old series such concepts were glossed over and even mixed up (a writer on Larson's original series confused "galaxy" with "solar system"!).

Nor are the mechanical Cylons the clunky robots (originally acted out by unemployed basketball players), but sleek androids who can visibly pass as humans--a necessity for stealth.

If I were to summarize the series it would be this: humanity over technology. This is a great necessity in science fiction, where the ultimate danger is "deus ex machina", "God out of the machine", the idea that all problems can be solved with superior technology. So many science fiction dramas fall into this problem, "Star Trek - The Next Generation", "Buck Rogers", "Voyager", the list is endless. I believe it was Roger Zelazny who said, "Science Fiction is a way of looking at the universe in terms of people and possibilities." The Battlestar Galactica does that, successfully. This in itself is surprising, because Battlestar writer Ronald D. Moore spent much of his career writing scripts for Star Trek, the Next Generation. One can only imagine how constricted he felt, expanding Roddenberry's space-borne Utopia. Perhaps he wishes now to show people as they really are!

In short, this version of Battlestar shows us humans who lie, cheat, steal, and even betray. And if Dr. Gaius Baltar (James Callis) is any example, these people have more to show us.

Legend (1985)

Mute It (You Miss Nothing)

[11 December 2003]

Every great director makes at least one turkey in their life, and this is Ridley Scott's. You can't help but watch _Legend_ because of the name, Ridley Scott. The man who gave us _Bladerunner_ and _1492: Conquest of Paradise_ has become the American version of Akira Kurosawa, a legend in his own time. Unfortunately, this movie flopped!

Not from lack of effort. Anyone familiar with the legend of the unicorn or the Fantasy genre can see that Scott was really trying. From blossoms in the wind, to the paradoxical power of the virgin, every part of the Fantasy concept is in place. But it never comes together.

Tom Cruise's performance as Jack seems halting and confused, while Mia Sara's Princess Lily is actually more interesting when she's evil--definitely not the proper role for the damsel-in-distress. Likewise Tim Curry never really gives his full effort as the villain. Lord of Darkness? He's more like the pinch hitter!

The worst thing about this movie is the stupid, petulant dialogue which is just horribly predictable. When I first saw this movie I found myself mouthing the various actor's lines an instant before they said them. There were no surprises, nothing that was unexpected. Even worse, some years later, I muted the sound when seeing the video, and missed nothing; not because I remembered, but because the words themselves are superfluous.

Ridley Scott was apparently attempting to show the inherent emptiness of fantasy itself--Yes, you can have a universe with fairies, elves, unicorns, but the same problems with good and evil will still be there; people will still war, and love, and kill, for inherently the same reasons. But, surely this point could have been made without such a travesty of film, couldn't it?

Stargate (1994)

Go Team!!

[9 December 2003]

Stargate (the Movie) regrettably falls into the category of what I call "Gung Ho" films: "Send our boys against those gol-darn aliens and we'll give 'em what for!"

The story starts out with some promise. Dr. Daniel Jackson (James Spader) is an down-and-out archaeologist who's trying to persuade the academic community that the pyramids and the Sphinx are much older than they appear. Regrettably, he's never learned the art of tact, and callously slays sacred cows by calling into question the findings of accredited historians while offering little substance of his own.

While leaving the lecture hall (which has emptied of his entire audience) he gets an invitation from a wealthy old woman, Catherine Langford (Viveca Lindfors) who invites him to work for her in a project which will "help you prove your theory is right".

Of course, Jackson proves just that, by solving a two-year-old riddle of a project involving an ancient artifact which has been dated at over 10,000 years (exactly how old Jackson says the Sphinx is). With Jackson's help, the artifact, called a Stargate) is activated, revealing a portal to another world.

Enter the know-it-all and universally paranoid military. Personified by Colonel Jack O'Neill (Kurt Russell) who's given [gasp!] secret orders and sent through the Stargate. On the other side, they find an ancient alien who has enslaved thousands of humans to mine a mysterious element which not only powers the Stargate but also a device which gives him immortality. The alien has taken the identity of the Egyptian god, Ra, and plans to destroy Earth. Of course, O'Neill and his boys manage to save the day and destroy Ra in a good ol' nuclear blast and free the slaves.

If I sound sarcastic, it's because at best, this movie is a rehash of a well-worn concept in science fiction: deus ex machina, the god out of the machine. Humans masquerading as gods armed with superior technology, is at the heart of a lot of bad science fiction. And despite the rah-rah nature of the movie, that's what this is about.

I'm not downgrading the fact that this movie kicked off a very successful show, I'm pointing out that at its heart Stargate didn't have a lot else to say. And for a film to have a lasting impact, it must ultimately ask a very difficult question which we--the viewers--are required to answer, and then justify. Stargate never did that.

It could have, though! When Jackson realized that O'Neill had brought an atomic bomb, he could have asked him why, and then heard about the death of the colonel's son. But director Roland Emmerich never allowed his characters to reach for their own humanity. They remained, at best, two-dimensional cutouts.

Likewise we were forced to accept the outright evil of Ra without ever hearing his side of the story.

Worst all are the glaring flaws in the story itself. For example, if Ra is such a tyrannical creature, who creates and maintains his technology? Such a vast amount of technology would surely require constant maintenance, to say nothing of a gigantic shipyard and hangar to maintain it. If he is a tyrant who trusts no one and rules by fear, who keeps his ship running in peak condition? Who can he trust?

More importantly, if the radioactive element (called Naquadah, in the series) is radioactive enough to set off O'Neill's geiger counters then where are the slave's protective clothing? Even a vast slave population such as we see in the movie would soon be dead from radiation poisoning after so much exposure. But this is never explained.

In the final analysis, Stargate is a simple "humans beat up on aliens" movie, no different from the director's later film, Indepdendence Day. Ironic that it should spawn a thoughtful series which has surpassed the original. But, the same thing happened with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised.

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985)

Hollywood Demonstrates Lack of Imagination...Again!

[5 December 2003]

Hollywood and its producers demonstrate their lack of imagination in this flat, predictable sci-fi drama.

At its heart, DARYL is merely a reworking of Pinnochio: an artificial lifeform who wishes to be a real boy. the story is twisted by throwing in a few power-hungry generals who want to turn the boy into a Terminator. To combat them, the androids creators are given moral consciences, which puts them in the role of Gepetto.

When the story drags, the director throws in a few ludicrous car chases and then tops it off with the theft of an SR-71.

Hollywood is famous for dusting off old stories and reworking them into 'new' creations. How sad that Carlo Collodi's classic story should be so casually mangled.

Moontrap (1988)

Soundtrack is the best part!

[6/10 · 2 December 2003]

This movie is what I call "Cheap Sci-Fi": a garage sale script, minimal special effects, and a great leap of faith to justify the story.

The premise is that there was a previous technological civilization on Earth (of course, this is never really explained), and they've left deadly robots on the moon. Not to be outdone, Earth sends a team of astronauts on a search and destroy mission.

Of course, the fact that it would be safer to leave them there, with the lunar gulf separating us is never mentioned! That would invalidate the whole movie, wouldn't it?

Jason & Ray (Koenig & Campbell) awaken a woman (Leigh Lombardi) in suspended animation whose role is wasted on a pointless T&A scene and the obligatory screams of fright. But don't despair, Koenig's real-life wife, Judy Levitt, shows up to save the plight of women on the screen by piloting a space shuttle, armed with missiles (did the producer have something against the peaceful uses of space?).

Most sad are the scientific errors which plague the script (be sure to click on the "goofs") and show that quick profits, not accuracy, were the driving force behind this flick.

Ironically enough, although the movie's a lost cause, the soundtrack by Joseph Lo Duca is superb, and a good premonition of his later work. Even more ironic is the fact that Lo Duca went on to write soundtracks for shows like Xena and Hercules, in which Bruce Campbell would have recurring roles.

Moontrap? Moon-trash would be a better title!

S.O.B. (1981)

Banal, Pointless, and Ultimately Sad

[1/10 · 26 November 2003]

It has often been said that Los Angeles is a world all its own, and SOB sets out to make that point. From the very opening scene, everyone is wrapped up in their own cocoon and cares nothing about what's happening around them.

In the very opening scene, a man is jogging on the beach and suffers a heart attack: people walk around him, and throughout the movie his faithful dog tries to get help for him, but no one pays any attention--they're too wrapped up in their own lives. Apparently Good Samaritans don't exist in Southern California!

A failing director has just premiered his latest movie starring Julie Andrews (probably her worst performance ever) which has bombed, and he tries several times to kill himself. When that doesn't work, he tries drowning his sorrows in dissipation, which gives him a stroke of inspiration on how to salvage his film. But even this is pointless, as his idea is to add darkness and degeneracy (in this film, there's already too much of it).

All through the movie I kept waiting for someone to show a spark of decency or true humor, but it never came! Ultimately I realized this was Blake Edwards' point: Hollywood cares only about success, and cash. Caring doesn't matter. What a joke!

If you're planning on seeing SOB, don't! There is not one redeeming feature in this film. If you want to see a movie about movies, see Scream 3, or, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Even John Landis' Into The Night is better fare!

And besides, I still feel sorry for the dog.

Galactica 1980 (1980)

Worse than "Robot Monster"

[4 November 2003]

This is quite possibly the worst TV series ever made. After Battlestar Galactica failed, ABC attempted a spinoff series using the premise of the Galactica finding Earth. With that concept in mind, they could have done anything! Instead, the decision was made to downgrade the viewing audience to 8-10 year-olds. In doing so, they committed three big mistakes:

1) It cost them the faithful viewers they already had.

2) The time-slot was inappropriate for such viewers, since most children would already be in bed.

3) Children who do watch TV science fiction wanted simple storylines with lots of action, which Galactica 1980 did not provide, thus alienating the ones who did tune in.

Compounding these problems was the loss of popular characters established in the previous series, moralizing scripts with thinly-veiled lectures on political correctness and environmentalism, and sloppy editing. There was also the problem (freuquently encountered in science fiction) of 'deus ex machina'; the god out of the machine--the idea that all problems can be solved with superior technology. This put the Galactican humans in the position of being moralizing gods trying to correct the wayward, Earth-bound humans. Either Executive Producer Glen Larson was unaware of this problem, or he didn't care about it, because nearly all scripts fell into this trap and never climbed out.

Universal has never released Galactica 1980 on either tape or DVD, and it's a good thing, because no one will buy or rent it. If you do, you'll be sorry! It is terrible!

The Man with One Red Shoe (1985)

A Poor Remake of A Great French Movie

[2/10 · 14 June 2003]

This movie is a textbook example of why movies shouldn't be remade! The original film, "Tall Blond Man With One Black Shoe", Starring Yves Robert, was the quintessential French film: light-hearted espionage with a hapless hero, and petty, scheming bureaucrats. None this translates well to American audiences, but rather than add American idiosyncracies or do things which the original filmmakers never had time or money to do, they simply rehashed the entire film. Pathetic.

Hanks is wasted as Richard Drew, a shy, unassuming violin player. His entire life is dull when compared to his French Predecessor. Yves Roberts' character, Pierre Richard, was quirky, but bold enough to carry on an extra-marital affair with his friend's wife (a true Frenchman!). Hanks outrightly refuses Paula (Carrie Fisher)'s hussy ways, clinging to American Puritan virtues! Likewise, Fisher is another wasted talent!

Perhaps the biggest waste of all is Jim Belushi. Unlike Jean Carmet's Maurice, who tries to stoically carry on despite being the target of French Intelligence services, Belushi's Morris (notice the Americanized characters?) stumbles through the film, totally unaware of what's going on around him; ready to kill Hanks in one scene, and then crawling to him for comfort in the next.

There are very few remakes of films which have been successful--but those that were achieved it by what can best be described as A Noble Contradiction: remaining faithful to the original story, while simultaneously moving in a different direction. Take "Heaven Can Wait", for example, a remake of "Here Comes Mr. Jordan". Were you aware that the first film--HCMJ--was in fact a remake of a stage play, titled "Heaven Can Wait"? You see? Warren Beatty (who both directed and starred) must have done his research. The core of the story is the same, but with intriguing differences.

But this was not done in "Man With One Red Shoe". The core of the story was the same, the names were virtually the same, but the characters were flat and lifeless. Take note, Hollywood. You blew it!

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (1979)

Major Production Goof!

[19 May 2003]

It's important to realize there are actually two versions of this film.

The first was the Theatrical Release, which had a few well-placed Hells and Damns, as well as a painful kick in Duke Butler(Tigerman)'s testicles during the obligatory he-man fight scene. There is also a special-effects bonanza near the end of the film, when a hologram from the Draconian Warlord appears to chastise Kane (Henry Silva) for launching the attack (and failing!) before his arrival.

All of these aforementioned scenes were cut out in the TV Release, to make room for commercials, and to appease network censors. Regrettable, but these things happen.

But it was the TV Release which became the commercially-released video-tape! This is a major production goof, and it reveals the studio's utter contempt for the audience! If they didn't care enough to release the better version, or even bother to see which one they had in their hands, then they obviously don't think much of those who would pay to see it! Sadly, such an attitude only hurts the studio's image when looking at the video. From Gil Gerard's obviously doctored speech, to the suddenly paralyzed state of Tigerman, one cannot escape the sense that this was not a work of love, but something created to pad a few pockets and fill a network time-slot. Feeding time for the animals, in the studio's eyes!

What a way to treat "The Original Space Man"!

Warlock Moon (1973)

Local Favorite...

[2/10 · 26 April 2003]

The premise of Warlock Moon is actually pretty simple: girl meets intriguing boy, boy courts her, takes her to a mysterious building, strange things happen, mystery becomes terrifying and then not so, and then ends in a scream. In effect, this is a Gothic Mystery!

Gothic stories always center around an old ruin or haunted building which acts as a center of mystery. The plot device serves to ratchet up the tension by challenging the heroine (sometimes a hero, but not often) to distinguish between what is real, and what is a result of their own nervousness. H.P. Lovecraft used the same sort of device in his famous horror stories. A proper Gothic creates its own atmosphere of mystery and creeping terror. Unlike a mystery, however, a Gothic tale also has an element of romance in it; if, however, the romance can survive the fear that ensues.

Warlock Moon fails, however, because the characters never really emerge from their cardboard-cutout status. It's hard to root for the heroine, Jenny McAllister, because you always want more from her. She foresees the poisoned drink, but never quite breaks free from the mysterious events surrounding her.

Compounding the problem is the stultifying pace of the film. Sometimes it seems as though the actors themselves are deliberately moving slowly so as to use up time blocks. It doesn't help that at times the picture seems to have a "frosted glass" effect on the fringes of the screen, adding to the Gothic feel of the movie.

Filmed in the small town of Livermore, California, the movie still has a bit of celebrity status in that community. When Warlock Moon had finished production, it had a Grand Opening show at the local Vine Theater. All the local residents including notables like the mayor made a great show of attending the premiere screening. Of course the film bombed, which made the event all the more enjoyable, sort of in the style of MST3K!

The setting for the film's climax was at an abandoned tuberculosis treatment facility, which burned down about ten years later. That area is now the site of Camp Arroyo, and is almost unrecognizable from the mysterious ruins shown in Warlock Moon.

A member of the Livermore Heritage Guild, a local historical society, is looking for a copy of Warlock Moon for posterity's sake. He has asked me to relay word to any other filmmakers that he's also looking forward to seeing a much better film made in Livermore.