mrtnn Reviews

Luster (2002)

Truly terrible gay genre film

[1/10 · 23 September 2009]

This film ran on the Sundance Channel last night, and after watching less than ten minutes of it, i knew I was in the presence of yet another poorly written, embarrassingly acted piece of TLA crap. This film had me groaning out loud at how poorly written the dialog is. It makes Kevin Smith films seem like Shakespeare...and I hate Kevin Smith.

If you are so starved for frontal nudity, I guess you could turn the sound off and get a few nice bodies to look at now and then. But I warn you, if the sound is on, you're going to be screaming at the screen.

Don't waste 90 minutes of your life on this mess. Rent "Shortbus" instead.

Protagonist (2007)

Like Errol Morris merged with Davey and Goliath puppets

[4/10 · 7 September 2008]

I was a big fan of Jessica Yu's previous film, "In The Realms Of The Unreal" about outsider artist Henry Darger. There she used animations of Darger's creepy outsider art drawings to great narrative effect.

Challenging herself to do the same with this film, she's incorporated four moderately interesting (and i do mean moderately) stories of four disparate men and tried to merge them into a 90 minute Greek tragedy with cheesy puppetry and Greek inspired title sequences: "CATHARSIS", "CERTAINTY", "CHARACTER", "COST", "DOUBT"....etc. I would've settled for just one "PRETENTIOUS". The puppets at times had me laughing out loud (Watch for the bank robbery sequence with the quivering shaking teller puppet. It belongs in Team America, World Police.

I much prefer the work of Errol Morris, whom I think Ms. Yu lifts heavily from.

Do yourself a favor, and rent a great film like "The Thin Blue Line" or "Gates Of Heaven" or "Standard Operating Procedure". This will seem pretty thin after those.

The Hammer (2007)

Don't Trust The Inflated Ratings

[1/10 · 16 August 2008]

This is really not a very good comedy. Although I have enjoyed watching Corolla as a comedian and on such Comedy Central shows as "The Man Show", this is a poorly assembled, no-surprise comedy.

I guess the real benchmark in a comedy is whether it makes you laugh or not. This one doesn't have much that even made the group I was watching it with laugh...or even grin.

There's no chemistry at all between Corolla and the female lead. A long, long, long scene at the La Brea Tar Pits just feels like the Woody Allen scene with Diane Keaton in the planetarium from "Manhattan". Redone.

I did enjoy the actor playing the Nicaraguan sidekick, but its not enough to recommend you wasting 91 minutes of time on this.

Sad to say I bought it from a clearance table at a video store. Something should have told me it was a turkey seeing the large stack of them for sale at $6.

You're funnier than this, Adam...I expected more.

One star.

Cassandra's Dream (2007)

Cassandra's Dream is Everyone Else's Nightmare

[2/10 · 8 August 2008]

Just when you thought Woody Allen had redeemed himself and ventured into some exciting new territory with "Match Point", we get a ridiculously-written, modernization of a Greek tragedy called "Cassandra's Dream".

Everything about the film seems stale. I felt bad that actors the level of Ewan MacGregor and Colin Farrell, who I'm sure were excited and revved up to be working with the legendary Woody Allen, instead ended up in this turd of a film.

Don't expect any surprises. It's strictly exactly-as-you'd-expect it, Screen writing 101.

The Philip Glass music is even bland. There are many long passages without any music at all, so I assume the conductor and musicians fell asleep in this dull, dull, dull film.

I'm a huge fan of Woody when he's working with a good script (e.g. The Purple Rose Of Cairo or Sweet and Low). This film has all the markings of "Hey, Soon Yi, let's hang around in London a few more months..I can quickly throw something else together."

The existential ramblings of Colin and Ewan at the end of this film will make you groan out loud. "The whole of human life is about violence...You're just shaken up, Terry because you're facing your own nature"...

Makes you long for the Woody that once wrote A. If all men are mortal and B. If Socrates is a man..then C. All men are Socrates.

That was writing. To paraphrase Truman Capote....Cassandra's Dream isn't writing...it's typing.

Pineapple Express (2008)

If Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan keep turning out junk like this...their 15 minutes of fame are up.

[1/10 · 6 August 2008]

I'm a big fan of most of Judd Apatow's efforts, and own a few of the earlier films directed by David Gordon Green. I think James Franco and Seth Rogen have proved themselves to be funny and decent actors in the past. So I went to the mid-day premiere of Pineapple Express today excited and full of enthusiasm.

To put it bluntly, this film is a mess. It tries, ever so hard, to merge a parody of action drug heist/corrupt cop/feuding drug lords films with a stoner comedy. And sad to say...NONE OF IT WORKS. You could have heard a pin drop in the theater I saw the film in. No one was laughing. The only sounds you heard were people moaning and sighing in exasperation at some of the endlessly stupid set pieces of the film.

Rosie Perez, Gary Cole, Ed Begley, Jr. and Nora Dunn all look like they'd rather be somewhere else.

The direction, cinematography, editing look like it were shot on a cell phone and edited on a laptop.

The "buddy/buddy" BFFF (Best F------ Friends Forever) dialogue is cringe inducing. Danny McBride is someone I think I can safely say I never want to see acting in another film. His character made my skin crawl.

I think you could compare this film to last year's HOT FUZZ. That film also was a mix-up of humor/action/character comedy. But it WORKED. It was riotously over-the-top, and full of great characters. This one has none of the laughs that that film had, and not a single character that you even cared about.

I bet I checked my watch over twenty times. Pineapple Express seemed four hours long.

Did I laugh..even once? Um..yeah...once, at a dumb hitchhiking gag by Franco.

You've been warned! Mike Myers must be breathing a sigh of relief...because this one is even worse than his Love Guru bomb.

Two Girls and a Guy (1997)

I Want to Have James Toback's Agent!

[1/10 · 1 July 2008]

After sitting through this god-awful 82-minute excuse of a film, and having previously wanted to gouge my eyes out after having watched another James Toback-directed mess called "When Will I Be Loved", I've come to the conclusion that he has the best agent in the world. How else can these horribly written, painfully-directed pieces of trash get made in the first place.

I like Robert Downey Jr., but perhaps being in this movie drove him to substance abuse.

Heather Graham has to be embarrassed about her zombified performance. Half the time the camera is on her she just is looking off in a daze.

Such a crappy script. Prepare yourself for Hollywood name-dropping galore (example: five minute meandering discussions on Denzel Washington's acting....etc.)

There's a great character in Joseph Heller's novel Catch-22 named Dunbar. He spends most of the time in the novel shooting skeet, which he abhors. When asked why he shoots skeet all the time if he hates it so much, he replies that it makes time CREEP by, and he'll have a longer life. Well....if you really want to feel time creep by, watch this film! I swear...the 82 minutes will feel longer than a 4 hour David Lean epic. It goes on and on and on and on...

I hope I never watch another James Toback film again. If I could give this NO STARS, I would.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007)

A beautiful, life-changing film

[10/10 · 27 June 2008]

I saw this movie on DVD two weeks ago, and simply cannot get it out of my mind. It is the amazing true story of a French magazine editor who suffers a major stroke and is left "locked in" to his physical body, unable to communicate or move with anything more than his eye.

I was moved beyond belief by this film. Granted, it is not for everyone, but I feel that the director, Julian Schnabel, has created a meaningful work of art that has much to say about what makes us human.

The direction is innovative, putting the viewer at first "inside" the paralyzed stroke victim. We "hear" his thoughts, and only see at first what he sees through the eye. It's claustrophobic, but necessary to build the empathy we need to get into this man's mind.

I will never forget this film.

Ten stars.

Spanish Fly (1998)

Bought this in a close out bin for $6. That's about $5.98 more than its worth.

[2/10 · 27 June 2008]

This is a very amateurish effort. There aren't that many auteurs out there who have the skills to take on writing, directing, and acting the lead role in a film. Daphne Kastner is NOT one of them. If you're looking for a spirited, fun, Spanish film, rent something joyously offbeat like Volver or Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown by Pedro Almodovar.

Steer clear of this drab, lifeless, and can I say it, borderline racist film. It just traffics in bad ethnic stereotypes.

And just as an aside, if you're renting it for the lurid cover or the provocative title, you're going to be disappointed.It's smarmy, not erotic.

Martin Donovan, an actor I loved in "The Opposite Of Sex" and many Hal Hartley films, is utterly wasted here. Then again, maybe ANYONE needs to be wasted to be submitted to this 91 minute waste of time.

Off the Map (2003)

Please pass the popcorn, and the Prozac

[4/10 · 22 June 2008]

It never fails to amaze me how people will give "9" or "10" ratings to very weak films. This movie is well-intentioned, with ONE great performance in it (Joan Allen's). When Joan Allen is on screen, the film's humanity comes through. Unfortunately, the movie is mortally wounded by a cute, precocious performance by Valentina De Angelis, one of the most self-aware, obnoxious child actresses I've ever seen. She RUINS this film.

If I had a daughter like Ms. De Angelis, I'd become a depressed catatonic like Sam Elliott's character, too.

Nice photography, not bad direction, passable soundtrack.

Shame about that Valentina De Angelis performance. Hand me another Prozac and some Gummi Bears, will ya?

4 stars.

Legend (1985)

If only Mystery Science Theater had lampooned this horrific film!

[1/10 · 20 June 2008]

I subjected myself to a viewing of the "Director's Cut" of Legend tonight. How I wish there were a MST3K version of it, because if there was ever a film deserving a skewering, this is it.

Costuming in many cases looks laughably, muppet-like, and cheap.

Tim Curry is the movie's only saving grace, but turn the sound off to avoid regurgitating at the campy, laughable dialog... "I offer you this rose, my princess..."

I love the hubcap assembly-line to bring light to darkness. Laugh out loud funny.

Much has been said about the rich set design/cinematography. Right.....if you get weepy and moved by this, you probably were also weepy playing with your "My Little Pony." This movie looks like VAN paintings. C H E E S Y.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Homophobic to the extreme.

[1/10 · 17 June 2008]

I've never been a big fan of Kevin Smith, but this film rates as low as they come. I don't think there's a five minute stretch throughout the entire film without a mean-spirited gay joke about oral or anal sex. Why the talented group of guest stars (including Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Will Ferrell, Chris Rock, George Carlin, etc.) agreed to be part of this mean-spirited mess is a mystery to me. Kevin Smith is reportedly "confused" as to why the gay world hates him. He donated $10,000 and made an apology to GLAAD after they voiced concern over the hatred and tone of this film. I guess if you're 12 you might find this infantile gay-bashing funny. I HATED it.

Lies and Alibis (2006)

Awful film

[1/10 · 3 February 2008]

There's a reason some films go "straight to video" instead of even making a brief attempt at theatrical release. This Steve Coogan mess is a perfect example. Let me save you ninety precious minutes of your life..skip this disaster.

Steve Coogan, Rebecca Ramos, James Marsden, John Leguizamo, Debi Mazar, James Brolin, Sam Elliott, Henry Rollins... A Great cast totally wasted on a dull, by-the-numbers plot. You have to wonder how such talented people signed on to such a weak project. One can only guess.

It's obvious most of the other comments are on solely to boost the rating of this atrocity. SKIP IT!

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio (2005)

OK, OK, We get the point. "Mom" good..."Dad" bad!

[2/10 · 24 August 2007]

Yet another highly rated film on IMDb that makes me realize people crave over-sentimental, simplified Hollywood "this movie is based on a real story" junk.

I'm a huge Julianne Moore fan (and loved her in The Hours and Far From Heaven, two much better films where she also explored the niche of the retro mom. Here the script left her without much to do.

Woody Harrelson's over-the-top, padded pot-bellied father is a performance that would better fit on Saturday Night Live. It's cartoonish and clumsy, and certainly doesn't help the film to achieve any kind of resonance.

Movies have tried this kind of glossy nostalgia about parents from the kid's eye view much better before. Compare this to Jean Shepherd's A Christmas Story. It seemed fresh and funny, also with voice over narration, but NOT with the jaw droppingly clumsy device of Julianne Moore walking through the film as "ghost mom". I was shaking my head in disbelief at the early scenes of Julianne Moore cuddling up to...Julianne Moore. Man, maybe it would have been ever better with THREE Julianne Moores! The ghost of Julianne Moore Past, The ghost of Julianne Moore PRESENT and the ghost of Julianne Moore YET TO COME.

I know i'll be chastised and vilified by all the previous posters who "loved" this film. But so be it. It was a painful 96 minutes, and if I can save a few people the rental fee, I've done my job. PASS ON THIS ONE. I'm sure Woody and Julianne have already buried it in their filmographies. There's a reason it disappeared fast...trust me.

Rat (2000)

Call the Exterminator and Kill This Film.

[2/10 · 6 May 2007]

I honestly can't explain why this movie got so many positive postings. It's dreadful. Great actors (Pete Postlewaite and Imelda Staunton) had to have signed onto this weak script for the cash, not the script. It was 91 minutes long. I got the idea (not much of one) in about 2 minutes. The remaining 89 minutes creep along, with barely a joke. I did watch the entire film, most of all because I was in a state of shock by how un-funny it was.

If you're looking for Jim Henson-like mouse/rat effects, rent "The Witches", which is about a million times more entertaining than this film, and contains clever mouse effects.

As for this film....

Go get a Guiness and watch something better.

Fast Food Fast Women (2000)

Movies like this give independent cinema a bad name

[2/10 · 3 May 2007]

Don't waste 90 minutes of your time on "Fast Food, Fast Women." It's annoyingly episodic script with three story lines patched together is laughably bad due to predictable writing, horrific acting, and even bad music. I found the anorexic main character upsetting to watch every time she was on screen. SHE needs the fast food.

Spend the 90 minutes you'd devote to this turkey doing something more exciting...like trimming your toenails. You'd have more entertainment value.

The only redeeming thing about this film is Louise Lasser, but she deserves much better than this tired script. It's as impotent as the elder guy she courts in the movie.

VIEWER BEWARE!

The Marine (2006)

Explosion. Explosion. Explosion. Explosion. Hey wait...there's no plot!

[1/10 · 27 March 2007]

The Marine is an example of what happens when the sensibility of Pro wrestling meets Hollywood. You get a sorry remake of "Die Hard" with John Cena trying to rescue his kidnapped wife from the clutches of diamond thief Robert Patrick (on an ever downward career spiral).

This is truly 90 minutes of your life that you'll want back. My idea of hell would be to have to sit through this film again.

The structure or plot? Forget it! It's more about ridiculous explosions, machine gun exchanges, flying cars exploding mid-air...you get the picture. I wish it had dialogue by the Zuckers or by the South Park duo...because this movie is so laughably bad it verges on self parody.

And bu the way...Forget the sales tool of the banner announcing that this is the DVD's "unrated" version...there's not even good skin on hand in this piece of dreck.

No Vacancy (1999)

Please give me this 83 minutes of my life back.

[1/10 · 31 January 2007]

No Vacancy is 83 minutes of bad writing, bad acting, and a fiasco of a film. This 1997 release, which I'm sure was a straight-to-DVD-budget-rack special, stars Christina Ricci (in her heaviest film appearance ever), Timothy Olyphant (of HBO's "Deadwood"), Lolita Davidovich (in a role so overacting you'll want to run from the room screaming at the sight of her herbal-masked face), and Robert Wagner. How the film attracted anyone to sign on to act in it escapes me. It's a true disaster.

Set in a motel of misfits, the movie's cross-cut edits and haphazard structure only serves to make it more annoying. I really regret every second of watching this mess.

Viewer beware! Watch a good Christina Ricci effort like "Opposite of Sex" and pass on this turkey. I squandered 83 minutes of my life. Save yours!!!

The Oh in Ohio (2006)

Parker Posey...you deserve better!

[3/10 · 14 January 2007]

What gives with the talented Parker Posey? She can make great films with incredible comic timing (example: her great work in Christopher Guest's films) and then barely make a dent with crappy roles in crappy films like "The Oh in Ohio". This movie, which is about a young woman's quest for the elusive orgasm, is pretty much the same territory explored in "ShortBus" this year, right down to the same joke involving accidental triggering of a vibrator. I bought this film used, and should have suspected that it was a turkey if it was being sold at rental stores a mere four weeks after its DVD release. Indeed it is a turkey. Whyt Liza Minnelli, Paul Rudd, and Heather Graham would even want to be part of this escapes me. Parker? Get a better agent...fast!

Shut Up and Kiss Me! (2004)

This is a truly terrible movie

[1/10 · 14 January 2007]

I'd rather watch paint dry than this movie. It is a comedy that never should have been made...for the simple reason that it isn't even remotely funny. The dialog is amateur. The characters dull, uninteresting, and the type of people you wouldn't want to spend ten seconds with. I can only suspect that the previously positive posted review of this film was posted by the film's producer or director!!! No one with any degree of intelligence would find anything to be amused by in this train wreck of a film. Save yourself the rental fee, and the experience of a 100 minute comedy without a laugh or even a gentle smile in it. Everyone involved with this embarrassment should be prevented from making other films. I purchased the movie used from a local rental shop, and it obviously won't be missed from their rental rack. The movie's stars (Christopher Barnes, Brad Rowe, Kristin Richardson and Burt Young) all look embarrassed and bored.