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Freeze (2022)
An Accomplisment
I'm giving this film 9 stars. I rarely give out 9 stars. This may seem confusing to some people because I'm a harsh, but honest critic. Now, the be certain, this film has flaws. Many flaws. Those flaws have already been mentioned in other reviews and anyone who has seen a movie in their lifetime could point out Freeze's shortcomings instantly.
Yet, I'm giving Freeze 9 stars because of it's mere existence. Lots of people talk about writing a horror movie script, especially HP Lovecraft fans who would like to see more movies based on his fiction, but rarely does anyone actually attempt to write a script, let alone finish it.
Lots of people talk about producing a feature length film, and hardly anyone actually puts forth the effort to make it happen.
Hardly anyone who actually get a film produced can get that film in front of an audience. Any audience. Especially low budget films. And most low budget horror movies are claustrophobic, tired tales of people being chased by serial killers in the woods.
So to produce a film with a tiny crew that takes on a Lovecraftian story set in the Arctic is, quite frankly, incredible.
I don't know Charlie Steeds, or anyone else who made this film, but I will offer this advice should one of them come across this review. Charlie, your talent isn't as a director. Nor is it as a great cinematographer or writer for that matter. You, sir, are a producer. And you could be a producer that shakes the world. To have the motivation, drive, ambition, and guts to put together this movie and actually get it made is a feat that only those who have tried it themselves could ever appreciate.
For your next project, you need to embrace the role of producer. Pour over scripts until you find one that one cultivated by someone who understands story and dialog, and that personally moves you. Go recruit some fledgling director who has a talent for telling stories using the art of film. Go find a young, hungry cinematographer who is dying to show the world how they can paint with light (they're easy to recognize because they all have very strong opinions about prime lenses). Go find an art director who is passionate about building a color palette with costumes and props. And please, find a sound person who will insist on getting just the right mic placement, and a composer who is dying for the world to hear their music.
Build up this team, convey your dedication and enthusiasm. Get them caught up in a shared vision and others will naturally gravitate to you and your next project. If you can make Freeze with a skeleton crew, imagine what you could do with a team of people each dedicated to different aspects of the craft.
I hope to see more of your films in the future.
Resident Evil (2022)
Just Got Dumber
Started strong, and just kept getting dumber and dumber each episode. By the end, it was shockingly stupid. I watched all 8 episodes just to see bad it could get.
The Empty Man (2020)
Worth your time.
First it was The Descent, then it became Candyman, and then it was Angel Heart. Yet, it still worked.
Overall I liked it a lot. The ending was a little contrived and irked me a bit, but I can honestly say I had no idea where the next scene was going to take me.
If you're in the mood for a good horror film and not a gore-fest, watch this film. I hope to see more from this director soon.
Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
The Best of the Worst
This is 1980s schlock cinema at its finest. Bad dialog, bad acting, terrible audio, cheeseball special effects, plenty of gratuitous boobs and misogyny, a complete misunderstanding of both genetics and how gasoline works, all shot with a camera with one lens to choose from, and made with a sincerity of belief that everyone involved was making something truly great.
Love, Death & Robots: Jibaro (2022)
Incredible
I am a 48 year old cisgendered, heterosexual middle class white male who loves 90s action films and books about Eldritch horrors. And Jibaro is an animated short about a river siren told through interpretive dance without a single line of dialog. There is no reason I should like this film, and yet, I find it to be a stunning accomplishment. I cried at the end. It is a visceral experience I cannot explain. It is tragic, and sorrowful, and I would see an entire ballet production of it if I could.
Moonfall (2022)
Everything is Stupi
Everything is stupid. The entire movie is one big disappointment. The dialog is some of the worst. I have a hard time believing that someone actually wrote a script. People are places that don't make sense, do things that don't make sense, react to thing that don't make sense. It's like not one single time did the writers stop and ask themselves, if I were this character and this had happened to me, what would my logical next course of action be? It's as though the director took a talented pool of actors and just hoped their talent could make all the plot holes and nonsense go away.
I wasted money and time on this film that I will never get back.
Entangled (2019)
Sigh
I have hated movies in less time than the time I spent watching this movie before hating it. But I don't remember those movies because I've blocked them out of my head.
I came for the premise. I left because of the execution.
Shadow in the Cloud (2020)
WTF Did I Just Watch
One of the most bonkers movies ever. I can't decide if it's brilliant or moronic. Watch it for yourself and figure it out. Or don't. Hell if I know. Don't hold me responsible if you're brain cracks in half by the end.
Awake (2021)
Eh. Not the Worst
There are some awkward edits, and the symbolism is as subtle as a 747, but there are some tense moments and I wasn't sure how it was going to end.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
A Good Example
This is how you take an interesting concept for a 45 minute movie and stretch it out to 2 hours until the plot is paper thin and you've resorted to having musical sing alongs on spacewalks. Also, people who fall into arctic waters typically don't survive if you just put a wet coat on them and have them walk it off.
Eli (2019)
WTFFFBBQ
You know how some movies like The 6th Sense have that cool twist at the end to make it exciting and shocking? Someone must have thought that more twists meant more better, so they stuck as many twists into the third act as they could. I dare anyone who knows the ending to go back and explain why anything in the first act happens the way it does. You can't, because it's stupid.
Pyewacket (2017)
8 minute Horror Film Stretched to 90 minutes
50 years ago the Twilight Zone could have told this same story in 25 minutes.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Another Misfire
Undoubtedly the worst iteration of Lex Luthor in any format. Soundtrack, effects, melodrama all cranked up to 11 makes the entire experience exhausting. Warner Bros can't help putting flash and style above character and story...again.
Inhumans (2017)
An Achievement in Awfulness
Not being content with making the worst of the Netflix Marvel entries with Iron Fist, Scott Buck has soared to new heights by vomiting into this world the worst of the Marvel cinematic adaptations since Marvel first started producing movies and television in 2008.
Everything that could be ruined in this endeavor was ruined. Not a single ounce of redemption is to be found - from the absurd double-exposure flashback, to the dated 80s fight scenes, to the predictable and dull writing, to the misplaced and random techno music. My God, even the opening title sequence is amateurish and bland. I suffered through all 8 episodes of this scrap-pile out of sheer willpower and determination. After all, I had seen every Marvel movie multiple times, and every Marvel television show from Daredevil to Defenders, from Agent Carter to the most recent Runaways; there was no way I was going to let Inhumans break me, though it nearly did.
From the beginning, I had no investment in any of the characters. Everyone is rude, arrogant, unsympathetic, or, at best, just boring. This attitude didn't improve at all at any moment over the course of the series, and at no time did any character make a decision that could be construed as smart. Apparently the superior Inhuman gene comes with the drawback of being a complete idiot. 10-year-olds lost in the woods would make better decisions than these characters. Even if they were blind. Suffering from hypothermia. Near death. And on fire.
The fact that the heroes managed to stumble toward any kind of resolution is only a product of having been up against the dumbest, least threatening villain in all of cinematic history. How bad does the writing and directing have to be to make Ramsay Bolton seem like a lost, hopeless puppy.
Marvel's Inhumans makes me sad. It represents lost time, lost money, and a lost opportunity. I hope there's an epilogue - perhaps released as a webisode - in the near future. Something that wraps up any loose ends, like having a giant meteor streak through the sky and wipe out everything and every character left. Too bad I can never wipe out the memory of having seen the show in the first place.
The Demented (2013)
A predictably bad movie made even worse...
There are movies that have in-depth plots. There are movies that have interesting, complex characters. These films often make us contemplate our existence through obtuse themes that require introspection and careful pondering. And there are movies that are none of these things and yet still maintain a level of entertainment - visceral experiences that emote excitement, or fright, or romance, or comedy... perhaps even all four if we're lucky.
The Demented has none of these traits. It is devoid of any artistic originality. It is predictable and bland. Watching it makes me contemplate how much I value the hours I have left on this earth, and whether or not I should choose to go do something else right at this moment. But The Demented is a cheap zombie flick, and this fact alone forgives many sins.
The ending however, catapults this film past redemption. It makes me angry in ways that other things make me angry, like willful ignorance, 3rd world poverty, and excessive Facebook selfies. In the last few minutes of the film, just before the credits rolled, had there been a baby present, I would have punched he/she in the face. Had there been an invaluable painting handy, I would have smashed it into oblivion and declared art dead forever.
This is what you can look forward to if you decide to watch this film. Perhaps that's what you're after: a reason to be depressed and angry at the world. Perhaps you're manic and need a reason to not love yourself anymore. Then this is the film for you.
The After (2014)
Interesting Setup, Lazy Writing
Hardly anything the characters do make any sense.
- Oh, that guy's been shot in the gut... should we help him? Stop the bleeding maybe? Nah, it's a gut wound... he's already dead... because apparently we live in the 1800s and this is now the wild west????
- Let's escape out of the city, and I'll hang onto the back of this ambulance for NO REASON AT ALL!
- I'm so stressed out about the power outages and panicked people. Guess it's time to get naked and swim in a pool.
And how the characters overcome obstacles seems miraculous sometimes.
- Large crowd of people surrounding my ambulance, well, just hit the gas pedal and look! They're all gone now!
The writing is just lazy. I want the show to continue and I want to find out what's going on. However, if the writing continues to be this bad, then it doesn't bode well that the reveal will be anything special.
Ceremony (1994)
Pitiful... it's all I can say.
"The Ceremony" is nothing less than the cinematic adaptation of the wet sludge that pools as the bottom of landfill. Don't be fooled by the great looking screen grabs on the back of the box; the makers of "The Ceremony" apparently shot the fist four minutes on 35mm, then shot the rest of the film on 3/4" U-matic video... with a $10 Radio Shack microphone... that they probably stole. The "demon-angel" that is released into the world looks like an octogenarian that escaped from an nursing home who just wandered onto a film set. I will never get back the precious minutes spent watching college students blunder around a 2,000 square foot home like it was the Biltmore estate, lost in the dark and unable to accomplish the simple act of opening a door. It's a pitiful attempt. Not even fun-bad... not even bad-bad... just pitiful.