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AKeeb
Reviews
Orion and the Dark (2024)
Not for kids
Thought it would be fun, but really it's not for kids - it will have far more appeal amongst teenagers and adults suffering from anxiety issues, as it seems to be fixated on those from the start.
My kids found it boring and wanted to watch something else after the first 15 minutes. I couldn't really disagree with them at all.
I can see why teenagers and adults may like it, as it is very verbose and addresses mental health issues a lot. Not sure why they do this in a kid's film though - the teens going through this will be keen to watch more adult films. Inside Out was far, far broader and entertaining as a result.
Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go (2021)
Disaster
My kid has been collecting the track master toys and was hoping for a new movie - he is horrified with this.
Hopefully it is just a spin off, but I am not sure of the point, as my boy loved the Thomas and Friends series from the age of 2.
PAW Patrol: The Movie (2021)
Brilliant
My son is a Paw Patrol fan, so I was hoping it would not let him down, but no fear there - it was brilliant.
The action was fantastic - the rescues were really very good - it was like the Dark Knight at times! The plot was wholesome and the pacing was perfect.
The boy is delighted - I loved it too - and we had a great time out at the cinema.
Butterbean's Café (2018)
Backwards
A group of girls have magic powers and use these to.... run a cafe and bake cakes.
The main concerns are dropping the muffins and how to look after customer's children when asked.
Add to that Kardashian style interviews, where the characters talk about their concerns... generally not having cakes ready on time or burning a donut.
Seems like something from the 1950s not 2020.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
A Great Disappointment
I loved the original films and the prequels were enjoyable, with some silly stuff thrown in.
Force Awakens was great fun, and Rogue One was ace.
I was really looking forward to this at the cinema and it just hit all the wrong notes from the first scene. The dialogue between Poe and Hux was excruciating, the attack on the Dreadnought made no sense, the Rose character who was basically a janitor suddenly became a pilot, the First Order turned into a bad farce and what the hell did they do with Luke and Rey?
Too many awful bits to mention. The only positives were Kylo Ren and the cinematography in the last part.
Saw it again just now and it is even worse on second viewing.
Fleabag (2016)
Excellent
I thought this would just be another banal BBC3 comedy - I give them all a go because there have been some gems. I wasn't too taken with the first or second episodes - they were more interesting than funny. The actress who plays the main character is brilliant, but it does take a little while to get used to breaking the third wall in all sorts of awkward moments.
By the fourth episode, because of the character development, I started to find it very funny - hilarious at times. It is odd, but I do think you need to know the characters in this to find the humour and also to feel the dramatic parts as well.
By the end, I have to say that this is the best new comedy I have seen in a long while.
Overall, brilliantly cast, brilliantly acted and very enjoyable to watch.
Mass Effect (2007)
Good for its time
The graphics are poor by today's standards. The sound is weak, although the voice acting it okay.
Whilst not technically linear, the structure of the game is very dull and the "quests" are very poorly written. Some of the dialogue is very lazy and it is rare to feel involved in the storyline without just checking the journal to see where to go next.
Intermittent crashing (when auto-save has done nothing for hours) and bland locations (design one room and multiply it by 20) complete the experience.
Not worth playing through - skip it.
Dus (2005)
Be very careful...
Please do not expect anything from this film. It starts fairly well, but after a few hours it gets pretty dull. There are only so many times you can watch men in suits with sunglasses walking towards the camera in slow motion looking moody. This was more like a screen test than a film.
The plot is a bit random - it steals bits from the Usual Suspects, Speed, Lethal Weapon 3 etc.
I must just give a special mention to the "Football" match at the end. The scenes are shot in an American football ground in the daytime. But, the action keeps cutting to highlights of an England friendly soccer match played in the evening and then back to the Canadian fans cheering. Ouch! Very poor.
The worst bit was probably the end, where all the character jumped around fighting kung fu style to try and stop two bombs (which when they go off are quite deflating) and .... SOMEONE DIES!!!!
Very moving.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
1 out of 10.
Fat Slags (2004)
You may decide to watch this to see just how bad it is. Don't waste your time.
I thought that I would watch this film as it was on TV, I like Viz and had an hour or two to kill.
I had also heard that the film was a bit of a train wreck and sometime films like that can be quite amusing in places.
I was wrong.
This is unwatchable.
One of the actresses was giggling and grinning all the way through no matter what her character was supposed to be doing. I think she was embarrassed and so she should be.
The other tried to fake an awful northern accent for an hour whilst starring like a mad woman.
Whoever wrote this has never read the comic strip and should be shot.
Drivel.
Zameer (2005)
Well...
The plot was ludicrous, and incidentally, had nothing to do with the intro - so don't be fooled.
The acting was laughable and I feel like I have had two hours stolen from my life.
I hated this film at the end.
Spoiler Warning
A college girl falls in love with her lecturer who has a fiancé. The college girl tricks him into marrying her and has a kid. He finds out it was a trick and dumps the college girl. He comes back 5 years later and finds she has died and the woman he was with at the start has adopted the kid. And named it after the college girl. Cue song.
Wahey!!!!
Avoid.
Like the plague.
Peep Show (2003)
Proper Ace
Outstanding - laugh out loud - comedy.
When you compare this to stuff like 3 non blondes, it is difficult to believe that they are allegedly in the same genre. BBC3 take note - this is what comedy is - it makes you L A U G H.
Very funny, characters are brilliant and it just gets better and better.
Along with Mighty Boosh, Nathan Barley and Dark Place, this is one to watch if you get a chance. Yes the Office is arguably the best, but these all run it close.
Season 4 please!
3 Non-Blondes (2003)
Pathetic
Here is what happened:
1) Head of BBC3 needs to make programmes aimed at different audience to BBC1 and BBC2 to keep licence and job.
2) Lenny Henry offers his unfunny friends up.
3) Head of BBC3 snaps them up, completely ignoring the fact that they are not funny.
Worst of all, it is arguably racist, as all the characters play up to bad stereotypes. If a white person did this kind of thing, there'd be uproar!
Trash.
Little Miss Jocelyn (2006)
Dire
If you have seen 3 Non Blondes, you know what to expect. Around 30 minutes too long, you won't even smile, let alone laugh, and the worse bit is, I pay for this with my licence fee. The canned laughter exacerbates matters, as it constantly reminds you that this is supposed to be comedy.
The main problem is the fact that whoever commissioned this was probably a white male. He did not find it funny. However, he thinks that black people will find it funny. This is how BBC3 works. Next week, we'll have an unfunny comedy written by a disabled person...
Rubbish - comedy is comedy whoever writes or performs it and this dross should have been cut off at first base.
Top Buzzer (2004)
Excellent
Very good comedy series; along with The Mighty Boosh, this is the best British comedy around at the moment - where's the second series?
The characters are very funny and the script is pretty sharp. I suspect that this will turn up on terrestrial in the middle of the night in a couple of years time, by which time all the cast will be off doing other things and won't be able to make a second series - shame.
Why did the BBC refuse to show it? Well, it is a strange one, because at the same that Top Buzzer was showing on MTV, the BBC were showing a programme called Ideal, which was also based around dealing drugs, although that was completely unfunny and, in my opinion, a miserable load of old rubbish, that relied upon the viewer finding the sight of pathetic human wreck Johnny Vegas trying to string a sentence together funny and entertaining.
No, I've never found that funny either.
So forget the BBC, and the fact that MTV are seemingly not going to commission a second series, catch this on DVD, it's completely ace!
10/10
Alien (1979)
Outdated
Unfortunately, although the suspense is good, the climax where the alien bursts out of Hurt's chest just doesn't work now. It is so obviously a glove puppet that it is more likely to make people laugh than scream. Likewise, when it runs away, it's blatantly the glove puppet being pulled along on wheels. After, the film is ruined.
In space no-one can hear you laugh!
See Aliens for a truly scary and exciting film that has not dated at all.
Psycho (1960)
Great, but the remakes even better.
Like I said, see the remake first. Hitchcock said that the reason he made Psycho in B/W was because it would have been too scary in colour. Although the acting of Perkins is slightly better than Vaughn, the remake is a scarier and therefore more effective film for todays audience.